3

Janeway sat at the ready room desk, using the hours of their journey to Yintaka Minor for valuable research. She had reviewed all the information that Voyager's crew had compiled about the Yintakans during their first visit. In their logs, both Paris and Kim had likened the species to the Bajorans, technologically advanced, but still seeped in tradition and religion.

She was now going through Chakotay's logs. In his written record, she could hear his voice as she read the words, could hear his fascination with these people and their history and religion. Watching his video logs, she could not help but smile as he described his first meeting with Chief Minister Inacayal and the instant bond of respect they had felt for each other. "The chief minister seems to be an honest and compassionate leader of his people," Chakotay said, "the kind we so rarely encountered in the Delta Quadrant, but were grateful when we did."

He spoke of his excitement about visiting the sacred mountain. "The Yintakans are a deeply religious people," Chakotay said in one log. "But they don't worship a single god, or even a group of gods. Their beliefs are more similar to those of my own people; they believe that every living thing has a spirit and that those powerful spirits make their world move." Chakotay paused, and Janeway could see a peaceful smile on his features; he was remembering a beautiful place. "Their sacred mountain overlooks a beautiful waterfall. It is one of the most impressive places I have seen in all my travels. The legend of how their sacred place came to be is eerily similar to a legend I heard as a boy. I can still remember my grandfather telling me the story about a beautiful woman who sacrificed herself so that her love, and all those in her tribe, could live. She became the waterfall. Strange how the Yintakan legend about their waterfall is so similar."

He paused, seemingly lost in thought, before continuing. "It is hard to describe my experience on the Yintakans' sacred mountain. I was…" Suddenly, Chakotay stopped speaking. His eyes took on a faraway expression, as if he were no longer sitting at his desk recording the log. An entire minute passed before he seemed to snap out of it. For a moment, he looked disoriented. He blinked several times and finally said, "Computer, end log."

Janeway stared at the screen for a long moment. That was strange, she thought. "Computer," she ordered, "replay log from time index 0460." The log played back again with the same strange pause. Something happened on that mountain, she thought. Something he couldn't talk about for some reason, and I need to find out what it was. She tapped her comm badge. "Janeway to sickbay."

"The Doctor here."

"Is Captain Chakotay awake?"

"He is. I cannot sedate him anymore. The dosage of sedative required is too high and may cause further brain damage. We've created a private room for him in sickbay. I'm sure the captain would not want the crew to see him in this condition. The room is as private and as well equipped as his quarters would be. I think he'll be as comfortable as possible there, but I can still supervise him constantly."

"I see. What is his condition? Can I see him?"

"I wouldn't recommend it, Admiral. The captain is unstable at best. His behavior is unpredictable and you would be putting yourself at risk."

"Chakotay won't hurt me."

"He would never knowingly hurt you. But he may not know you, Admiral. He may believe you're someone else."

"I have to talk to him, Doctor. Something happened on that mountain and I have to know what it is."

"Very well, Admiral. However, I insist that security be standing by to intervene in case of an emergency."

"All right, Doctor. Janeway out." With a deep breath, she gathered herself and walked to sickbay. When she arrived, she saw that part of the main room had been quartered off with temporary walls. Two armed security personnel who Janeway did not recognize stood at attention outside the door to the private room.

"Admiral," the Doctor greeted her.

She gestured to the security guards. "Is this really necessary, Doctor?"

"The security guards are a cautionary measure, recommended by Starfleet procedure in cases like these."

Janeway sighed. "Of course."

"I'll be right here if you need me, Admiral," said the Doctor.

"Thank you, Doctor." She approached the security guards. "Excuse me, Ensign…?"

"Ensign Murphy, Ma'am."

"Ensign Murphy, 'ma'am' will do in a crunch, but I prefer 'admiral.'"

"Yes, Admiral." Still, Murphy hesitated to step aside. "I notice you're not armed. Security protocol dictates that…"

"I don't need a weapon to see Captain Chakotay, Ensign, and neither do you. Now, if you'll step aside?"

"Yes, Ma'am… Uh… Admiral." Awkwardly, the young man stepped out of her way.

The door opened and Janeway entered the room. It was a smaller version of crew quarters, and indeed felt just as private as Chakotay's quarters would have. There was a small living area with a couch and a chair, and in another corner there was a bed. It was dark inside, and she squinted as her eyes adjusted. "Chakotay?"

From the corner, she heard a low moan. "Go away."

"Chakotay, I need to talk to you."

"Go away, Kathryn. I don't want to hurt you."

"You're not going to hurt me. I just need to talk to you." There was only the sound of his heavy breathing. Her eyes had adjusted to the darkness, and she could see him now, crouched behind a sofa like a frightened animal. "Come on," she coaxed. "It's all right."
She saw his body relax, and cautiously, he stood, still keeping the couch between them.

"Kathryn," he rasped, "what's happening to me?"

She stepped towards him. "We're trying to figure that out. We think that something happened to you on Yintaka Minor. We're on our way back there now."

"Yintaka Minor," he echoed, as if trying to remember.

"Yes," she said, taking another step. "I want to talk to you about what happened there."

He closed his eyes, furrowing his brow. "I can't… I can't remember." He paused, looking directly at her for the first time since she had entered the room. "I'm so tired. So tired." He let go of the couch and stepped towards her, but stumbled, unable to support his own weight.

She extended her arms to him and rushed to his side, insinuating her shoulder under his to support him. "Come on," she said, "you need to lie down."

"No!" he exclaimed, struggling against her attempts to guide him towards the bed. "No sleep. Can't sleep."

"All right. Just sit." She led him to the couch, where he collapsed into the cushions. She ran her hand through his hair and cupped his cheek. "Tell me about Yintaka Minor."

He leaned back against the cushions and closed his eyes. "The Yintakans were friendly. They invited us to join them during their spring festival." He opened his eyes, the ghost of a smile on his lips. "You would love it there, Kathryn. It's lush, green. There's a beautiful lake in the center of the capitol, and a huge park with beautiful gardens. I kept thinking how much I wished you were there to share it with me."

She smiled and reached for his hand. "I'd like that. When this is all over, we can go there together."

He nodded. "Everyone enjoyed their time on Yintaka Minor. It was a good first contact."

"What happened next?"

"At the festival, I heard some of the Yintakans talking about their sacred mountain and their sky spirits. I was intrigued by the similarities to my own people's beliefs. The chief minister agreed to show me the sacred mountain the next day."

"And then what happened? What happened on the sacred mountain?"

"I've never seen anything like it. Being on that mountain, I felt closer to the spirits than I ever have before. The spirit talkers showed me… They showed me…"

"What did they show you?"

"There was a waterfall," Chakotay said, trying to remember.

"Yes. You spoke about the waterfall in your log, about a legend similar to one from your own people."

"The legend of the waterfall."

"What did the spirit talkers do at the waterfall?"

Chakotay pressed his eyes closed. He could remember the journey up the mountain and meeting the spirit talkers. He could remember going to the waterfall, but the next thing he could recall was being back on Voyager. He focused on the moment of his arrival at the waterfall. He remembered looking out at the beautiful view, the sound of the water crashing below him, the jagged cliffs surrounding him, the perfectly clear blue of the sky, the call of a bird somewhere in the distance. He remembered taking a deep breath of the fresh air and looking up. A sharp and intense pain shot through his head. The memory was obliterated by a blinding, white light.

Suddenly, Chakotay cried out and doubled over, as if in great pain. Janeway called his name, holding him by the shoulders, trying to make him look at her. "What's wrong?" He did not respond, instead clutching his head. "Janeway to the Doctor!"

Chakotay closed his eyes against the blinding light. When he opened them again, he was in a dimly lit cave. It took him a moment to get his bearings, but when he did, he realized he was in a Maquis camp. Someone was shouting, "Look out! They've found us."

"Arm yourselves!" Chakotay shouted, gesturing at his people to gather round the cave's entrance. No sooner had he drawn his weapon than the Starfleet troops were on them. One of the Starfleet officers ordered him to drop his weapon.

"You drop yours first!" Chakotay shouted.

"You know we can't do that," the Starfleet officer replied. "Drop your weapons!"

"No!"

A shot was fired; from where, he couldn't tell, and a melee broke out. There was shouting and fighting everywhere. The chaos quickly turned into hand-to-hand combat, and Chakotay found himself struggling with one of the Starfleet officers. His opponent was smaller than he, but quick, evading his strikes. Finally, he saw his opening and felt his fist connect with the Starfleet officer's gut.

Someone was shouting his name. "Chakotay! Chakotay!"

The voice was somehow familiar. "Kathryn?" Kathryn? Who was Kathryn? He didn't know anyone in the Maquis by that name. The room around him began to spin. The Starfleet invaders, his Maquis friends, the cave, it all became a blur.

"Captain," he heard a new voice say. "Captain, can you hear me?"

There was a blinding light and a sharp pain in his temple. He doubled over, wondering if he was going to be sick. He flailed, reaching out with one hand to find any solid object. Then he felt himself being lifted up and hauled away. There was a cold object pressed to his neck and the snap-hiss of a hypospray.

"Captain Chakotay, can you hear me?"

With difficulty, Chakotay forced his eyes open and found the EMH looming over him. "Doctor?"

"Do you know where you are?"

He looked around. "On Voyager. Sickbay." Furniture was overturned, and the room was a mess. Two armed security guards stood inside, looking at him cautiously. "What happened?"

"You don't remember?" the Doctor asked.

"I was… I thought I was somewhere else." His eyes searched the room again and widened in horror. "Spirits," he murmured. "Kathryn. What have I done?"

Janeway stood in another corner of the room being examined by a medic. She had a nasty cut on her forehead, and it looked like she'd been in a brawl. "I'm fine," she was insisting. "Excuse me." She brushed her way past the medic and approached the couch where the EMH was tending to Chakotay. She sat down next to him, and he recoiled. "How are you feeling?"

He was still staring at her in horror. He reached one hand towards her face but stopped short of touching her. "Did I do that?" he whispered.

"You weren't yourself," she replied gently. "You didn't know where you were. You didn't know who I was."

"I hurt you." Tears stung his eyes, and he looked away, unable to bear her compassion.

"It wasn't you," she assured him.

He buried his face in his hands. "What is happening to me?" he moaned. "Am I going crazy?"

"We'll get to the bottom of this, Chakotay," she said with more confidence than she felt. She rubbed his back. "We'll figure it out together, just like we always have. I promise."

Chakotay did not respond, and Janeway exchanged a glance with the Doctor. "The captain needs to rest now," the EMH said, "and you, Admiral, need to be treated for your injuries."

Janeway was going to argue, but the Doctor's expression told her any argument would be futile. She stroked Chakotay's back one more time. "Get some rest," she told him. "I'll be back soon."

After having been discharged from sickbay under the Doctor's typical orders to rest, Janeway sat in her quarters. She was having a hard time resting, however, and had given up on trying to sleep, ordering a cup of coffee instead. She kept seeing Chakotay's eyes. When he'd thought he'd been back in the Maquis, he'd looked manic, crazy. It took her back to Voyager's encounter with the aliens in Chaotic Space. She'd been worried about him then, but her concern for his well-being had been overshadowed by her worry for the safety of her ship and crew. Now, Voyager was in no danger; it was only Chakotay who was at risk. During his hallucination, he had been barely recognizable. She could still feel the sting of his hand as he'd hit her. She had called his name, but he hadn't heard her, hadn't even seen her. He'd seen something else, someone else. She was sure of that. The guilt, pain and torture she'd seen in his eyes when he'd realized what he'd done was proof enough. She was jolted from her thoughts by the door chime. "Come in."

B'Elanna entered. "Hi. I heard what happened. Are you okay?"

"I'm fine. Come in, B'Elanna. Would you like some coffee?"

"Thanks." Janeway poured a second cup and invited Torres to join her in the seating area. "How is Chakotay?" B'Elanna asked.

"He's…" Janeway didn't know what to tell Chakotay's oldest friend.

"I want the truth," B'Elanna insisted.

"He's frightened. He doesn't understand what's happening to him any more than we do."

"Did he really… Did he really hurt you?"

"He didn't know what he was doing. He didn't know it was me, same as he didn't realize it was Harry."

"Tom said you had to be treated for injuries."

"Just a few minor cuts and bruises. Nothing serious."

The women fell silent, sipping their coffee. Then B'Elanna asked, "What do you think caused this?"

"I'm not sure. But I think it has to do with something that happened on the Yintakan sacred mountain. I just don't know what. That's what I was trying to find out from Chakotay when he… When he started hallucinating again."

"Once we know the cause, the Doctor will find a cure," B'Elanna said.

There was another stretch of silence, longer than the first. Janeway took a sip of coffee and looked away from B'Elanna. There it was, in the back of her mind, the question she'd been avoiding, the one she was afraid to consider. Yet now it loomed in her consciousness, and she could not ignore it. B'Elanna sounded so certain that they'd learn the cause and find a cure. "What if he can't?"

"What?"

"What if the Doctor can't find a cure?"

B'Elanna was dumbfounded for a moment, not sure how to reply. Finally, she said, "I've known Chakotay longer than almost anyone who's still in my life. I don't know what I would do without him."

"What I can't…" Janeway started and then paused, forcing down the lump in her throat. "I can't imagine having to watch him slowly lose his mind. You should have seen him, B'Elanna, when he realized he'd hurt me and he couldn't even remember what had happened. If the Doctor can't find a cure, this will destroy Chakotay."

"He's strong," B'Elanna protested.

"He doesn't want to live like this."

"We can only take it one day at a time," B'Elanna said with an assurance she didn't feel, placing one hand on Janeway's shoulder.

"Right now, I have to believe that there is a cure and that somehow, we will find it."

Janeway's shoulders shuddered, and she took a deep breath. "Of course."

B'Elanna examined her friend and former captain, trying to figure out what to say. "I know you and Chakotay are close."

"We've barely seen each other in the last five years."

"You don't have to see someone in person to be close to them. We all saw the bond you had on Voyager."

Kathryn picked up her coffee and walked over to the window, her back to Torres. B'Elanna waited, sensing that the admiral would open up in her own time. After a long moment, Janeway spoke softly. "Not a day has gone by in the last five years when I haven't thought about Chakotay. I don't do it on purpose. If anything, I've tried to stop myself from thinking of him. Sometimes, it just seemed like remembering the good times we had, the closeness we shared, was too painful. Many times, I told myself it was time to move on, to stop thinking of him, to let him go. But whenever I started to do that, that was when he'd call, or I'd see him at some Starfleet function, and then I'd find that I didn't want to stop thinking of him, and that our connection remained as real and as deep as it always had been."

B'Elanna had never heard Kathryn Janeway speak so openly about something so deeply personal. The honesty and depth of emotion in the admiral's speech brought tears to her eyes. "That's beautiful. I'm honored you shared it with me."

"I've never put it into words before," Janeway said. "I don't know if I've ever fully admitted it to myself, much less anyone else."

"Why now?" B'Elanna asked.

"Because now I'm realizing that I may have to let him go. I may not have a choice."

Janeway's words echoed in B'Elanna's mind. Fear rising in her own heart, she stared at Janeway's back as the admiral's gaze remained on the stars. B'Elanna could only hope they would find a cure in time.