Chapter 3 - Where Do I Begin

Kate was dumbfounded. He remembered. She held onto his hand tighter as her face went through so many emotions. Her chin quivered the way it would when she would cry. Too many emotions had bombarded her in the day and they all were laid out in front of her with the three little words.

"Castle," she started and shook her head.

"Kate, talk to me…for once." She continued her grip on his hand, but one step away from ripping it out. "You said we're not over and I'm still here, so you have my attention."

Letting out a half laugh she sighed, "yes, you are." Kate let go, closing the blinds to the rising sun, and sat in the chair across the room, lowering the side of the bed where he could see her. Castle watched as she wringed her hands together like she did when she was nervous or scared. "I want to redo the conversation at my apartment, but you lying in a hospital bed concerns me."

Castle lay still and quiet. Beckett could tell he was rehashing the entire conversation by his eyes and when they opened, the pain was evident. She had hurt him way before the bullet. "At least if I get upset, I already am hooked up to these machines."

Kate glanced up and rolled her eyes. "Castle." He put up one hand to show he was done joking. She glanced outside and didn't see Martha or Alexis.

"They went for food, coffee." Castle answered as he watched Beckett. He felt he had been patient; he had done basically what she had wanted. He stayed behind her, he followed her around, and tried to lighten her days. He left, albeit he wish he hadn't, when he was told. Leaning back into the pillow, he winced but still couldn't compare the pain to when she threw him out.

Kate sat and stared into the wall on the other side of the room. She wondered what he was thinking. She tried unsuccessfully to open her mouth several times and nothing came out. Finally, she resolved to an ice breaker. "So, how are you feeling? It was nice finding out it was a better than it could have been."

Turning to face her slightly, he gazed at her. She's going to avoid it again, he thought. She even started it this time. "I was lucky, just a little damage to a typing arm, but it'll all heal."

Castle let the silence sit in the room. He still knew that he would have to let her do the talking this time around. The last thing he wanted to force her back into her shell, especially with everything that had gone on in the last few days. Feeling the pain in his arm intensify, he hit the medication button and fought through the desire to sleep.

She watched him as he hit the button for more pain meds. He wasn't just the author. He was her friend, smiling she thought him as her best friend outside of Lanie. And despite all the things she said to him, she admitted to herself she actually wanted to come to work to see what he would do, what he would say.

"I still want to see the funniest kid," she whispered as if to herself.

Castle turned, not sure he heard that right. "I can still be funny." He didn't see her glance up, but her small twitch to a smile told him he had. More time passed in silence as he watched her.

Kate stared at the floor. "You're right." Swallowing, she pressed her lips together and ran her hands through her hair. "I'm afraid. I push people away because I don't want them in the same column as my mom, my dad to a certain extent…Roy."

She looked up at Castle. Her face had whitened as if she was physically scared or sick from her thoughts. "I could've counted you in that group tonight." She shook her head and looked up at the ceiling, trying to find her breath. "So glad you have that blasted writer's vest, although you're going to need a new one."

She saw Castle try to laugh but stifle it. "Kate made a funny, or I have had too much of whatever that is," he pointed at the medicine bag.

"It's Kate now huh?" Castle almost amused at her needing to find words watched her being to pace. "The whole time I was looking into finding Lockwood, I was thinking about that fight."

Castle gazed at her as she strained through the conversation. "It was passionate. The Heat Rises poster even got it at home." Beckett turned quickly and stared at him in confusion. "I threw a drink at it and then mom walked in."

Beckett somewhat giggled. "I bet that was interesting conversation. What did she say?"

Castle watched as she still paced enough out of his reach without pulling a wire or causing more pain. "Something about a movie and time." He straightened up as the door opened and Kate fluffed her hair back some.

"Castle, your vitals are looking up. I guess Kate is taking care of you. I saw your family eating downstairs," Josh commented as he checked on some fluid bags and then Castle's pulse and breathing. Kate stood by as Castle gazed at her face. There was no expression, almost a sad blank look of disinterest.

"I think you'll be out of here in about 4-5 days depending on the stent's reaction. Dr. Baker will be back in the afternoon with a more thorough report." Josh hesitated and then smiled at Kate. "Have a good day."

She watched the glass door close and glanced back at Castle. "I have found that it's not going to work for us." Castle waited. "He said you said things in your sleep." Castle looked puzzled, but Kate went on. "But back to the other conversation, why are you so honest with me?"

Castle closed his eyes and sighed, grunting as he exhaled. He wanted her to talk this time. He had opened the conversation during the fight and she was still pushing away, but at least not leaving the room. Kate started toward the bed and he grabbed her hand before she could move away. "Because at least one of us should talk about it; talk about what we haven't. Now what did you have to tell me?"

Castle gripped her hand tighter as he saw her tears start to well up in her lids. He drew circles on the outside of her hand with his finger. He wanted to pull her up into him and hold her.

She barely smiled as small tears fell. Taking a calming breath, she started. "I want this so much it terrifies me. I want the breathlessness I felt when we kissed and the warmth I felt when I was freezing to death, the anger with myself for making you leave, but I can't take the pain of losing someone else." She shook her head. "Not you Rick. I can't lose you."

Beckett collapsed in the chair next to the bed with her head on the edge, just touching his hip. He couldn't move his arm, but ran his fingers through her hair as he heard her cry.

Castle continued his constant touch as he spoke. "Kate, I didn't want to see you here. I knew you didn't have a vest on. He would have killed you. You know where it hit me; he wouldn't have missed, and I would be burying the woman I love."

It stunned her he would drop it just like that. He loved her. He wasn't wanting to be just friends, or just talk about it; he loved her. She thought she felt her heart swell at the admittance. Kate lifted her head barely able to breath and shaking in his hands. "Rick, I ca…"

He put a finger over her mouth. Kate closed her mouth without saying anymore. "Shh," he wiped her cheeks as much as possible with one hand. "Rest; I'll still be here when you wake up." He watched her close her eyes and took as deep a breath as allowed. It was finally out in the open. It was a start.

Martha glanced in as the two just faced each other and saw the lines from Beckett's make up. Taking Alexis by the shoulders, Martha hugged her. "How about we leave a note at the desk and get a few hours sleep. I think Beckett can hold down the fort."

Alexis glanced in to see her dad running his fingers through Kate's hair as she cried. Seeing her dad nod and smile, they took the message as good news.

"Good morning Rick," she mumbled as Castle could feel her grip loosen and her body relax on the edge of the bed.

"Sleep well," he whispered and felt her squeeze his hand in response.

TBC (thanks for all the alerts and the few reviews. Keep it up!)