Title: Testing the Water
A/N- takes place after Undue Influence… but before Sneaking In.
Disclaimers: Not mine. Not at all.
Feedback: please oh please
Testing the Water
Chapter 3: The Deep End
Oh, God this has got to be the worst. It's like the actual confirmation; the knowledge that I truly am pregnant has triggered every stereotype I can imagine. Even the smell of coffee makes me nauseated, and there was no way this morning I was going to keep anything down. Just brushing my teeth was enough to make me gag, and all the horrible 'morning sickness all the time' stories my sister Deanna told me flooded into my head. I'm so totally wiped out from the day that I can hardly think straight.
Today was a gong show. The First Lady had a child care centre to open and an afternoon event with representatives from Women in the Arts and I've been operating on no food and about 25% of my brain cells. I've been drinking water and Gatorade (which I hate with a passion, but at least it has electrolytes in it), but the only solid food I've managed to keep down was a bowl of instant Cream of Wheat that I grabbed from the mess at around 11 AM.
According to my research morning sickness is an issue only for western civilizations. Some sources indicate it's a psychological thing… ambivalence leads to morning sickness, which leads to more ambivalence I suppose. Except I'm not feeling ambivalent… no really… I want this baby… our baby. It's just the change part I'm not very good with. I like to cruise along at a comfort level until something jolts me out of it.
Well, there's a pattern I can see over and over again in my life…. Kevin 'Freeride' Saunders… Josh and me….the Bartlet Whitehouse… Me and Josh….and here we are, being jolted, and I'm not really ready. I don't want things to change, and I know they're going to.
Oh God! We're going to have to talk about this, Josh and I. I mean really talk… and we're not good at that. We end up falling all over our words and our feelings… it's brutal really.
Josh isn't home until late tonight, and I'm so exhausted I crawl into bed as soon as I get home.
You know, last night I thought everything was alright. I thought we were okay. I mean we did what we usually do…. Physical contact…. Total acceptance everything is good. Body language…That's us.
But then this morning I get Josh going off the deep end… before we even have any kind of discussion he's phoning his mother to tell her… and it's not that I don't want to tell Judith… I do… I just thought we'd talk about it first. Maybe have a discussion about what would be best for us. Josh's mom, Judith…. She'll be happy no matter what. My parents on the other hand… that will be another story. I know Judith spreads guilt around like cream cheese on a bagel, but she's above board about it all. My mother is all about guilt by incompetence.
'Oh darling… I could have told you he didn't love you…. Oh Donna, how did I raise such a gullible child?...Oh sweetheart, there was no way you could finish that degree… Oh Donna, I'm sure you do your best, but it's really just a secretarial position isn't it.'
And now it will be 'Oh Donna, that's not a very good foundation for a marriage…' and in a way I guess she would be right.
I am so tired, and my head is spinning, and finally I have to get up and throw up and then cry for awhile…In a way I'm glad Josh isn't home because I really need to decompress here. We just need to have a bit of time to sort this out for ourselves, before we talk to other people. But everything today seems jangled, and I can't seem to get back in tune with myself, let alone with Josh.
My head is pounding and I get up again and take a couple of Tylenol and that puts me so out that I don't even hear Josh come in, I just feel him crawl into bed. I surface just enough to snuggle up to him, and feel his arms wrap around me. And I'm thinking we're okay… we're here together and it feels good. We can sort this out later.