Chapter 3

Jess knocked on the outer door to the small subterranean room and waited for the guard to let her in to see her patient.

The previous night she had found things to distract her. She'd been quiet at home and despite her room-mate asking her all sorts of questions about her first day at her new job, the young woman remained tight lipped. At 7.00 she went to a talk at the village hall by a local professor. Jess loved village life and she also loved the countryside she lived in. Botany had become something of a hobby for her and whenever she could, she would go out looking for flowers, plants, anything to take her mind off of her studies. Tonight she listened intently as Professor Petersen talked about the Ladies Slipper Orchid, a native to the area and very rare. It grew in only one small copse of trees within the Tosside Forrest and had been the subject of much study. The lecture over, Jess had made her way back home.

She'd thought about the curly haired man a lot – more than she felt she ought to considering he was a patient and she was supposed to be his carer. This disturbed Jess a great deal. Could she maintain her distance from him? Could she truly pick what was fact from what was a highly ordered psychosis? And how far was she supposed to go down Starsky's path before she pulled away? Just how far was she to go in order to gain his trust?

For most of that previous evening she'd worked through some of her text books, reading and re-reading some of the passages until her eyes were so tired that he words blended into one. At 3.00am her room-mate shook her awake gently and ordered her to bed so that by the time her alarm clock rang at 7.00 the next morning, she was bleary eyed and in need of coffee rather than her usual tea.

The door to the small room opened and Jess walked in to see Starsky sitting up, his back leant against the wall and his chin on his chest. His arms hung loosely at his sides, the hands still bandaged into fists. The bandages were grubby and looked as though they hadn't been changed in a long time. As the door clanged shut, the man on the bed jumped slightly and his eyes opened.

'Good morning' Jess said quietly, mindful that Starsky had been without human contact for some time.

'Mornin' he replied, his voice still rasping and hoarse.

'Do you mind if I come in to talk?'

Starsky shrugged his shoulders non-commitally. 'Why?'

'Dr Purnell thought it would aid your recovery.'

'I aint sick.'

'No? I believe you were in an accident? Your medical records say you were seriously hurt.'

'Not from an accident I wasn't'

Jess frowned. 'But the scars...?'

Starsky looked down and self consciously tried to pull his tee shirt further up, hiding the tips of the scars on his chest. 'From sumthin that happened a while ago' he muttered.

Jess made a mental note to talk about that later. She took another few steps into the room. 'Do you mind if I sit down?'

Again the shrug of the shoulders and again Jess' spine tingled.

'Who are you?' Starsky asked, his eyes finally fixing on hers.

She smiled. 'Shouldn't it be me asking you that question?'

'You read the file, so you think you know who I am.'

'Now that bothers me' Jess said quietly. 'Why would you say that?'

'That you think you know who I am? Coz I aint the only one in here who's bein' brainwashed.'

'I don't understand.'

Starsky snickered. 'You an' me both honey.'

Jess found herself staring into the deep, deep indigo blue eyes, seeing the sorrow and the frustration in them. She turned away, silently berating herself for having once again fallen under his man's spell.

'Let's start at the beginning shall we? I'm Jess. Jess Donnelly. I've been asked by Dr Purnell to be your carer whilst you're here. To be honest you're my first full time patient so um... maybe we should just take it nice and gently hmm?'

Starsky saw the tension in the woman's shoulders and the compassion in her eyes. He pulled himself up straighter and started to hold out a hand to shake hers. He withdrew it with a snicker when he remembered the bandages. How long had they been there? How long had he been there? 'Sorry, I...'

'Here, let me see if I can deal with those for you.' Jess leaned forwards and started to unfasten and unwrap the dirty linen from his hands. Eventually she had the right hand unwrapped and started on the left as Starsky gingerly flexed his fingers, hissing as movement returned to the cramped digits. His skin tingled with the return of the fresh air and his skin was dimpled with the impression of the tight bandages that had been bound around them. When Jess had freed the left hand too, he flexed both sets of fingers and gingerly rubbed at his tender skin.

'Thanks' he muttered, self consciously.

'Don't mention it. The notes said they had to take certain measures to stop you hurting yourself... or the guards. You won't erm...'

'Do anythin' stupid? No ma'am.' The shadow of a lop sided grin flashed across the rugged face and then passed as quickly as it had come. Jess settled herself onto the bed and tried to relax.

'So you aren't from around here?' she asked.

'Nope. Originally from Brooklyn but then I settled in...in... I went to live in...' The dark haired man put his head in his hands and scrubbed his fingers through his matted curls. 'I'm a cop. I work with Hutch in... Jesus! Fuckin' drugs. Can't...'

Jess put a hand out and rested it on Starsky's knee, feeling the tremors running through the man's body.

'It's ok. It's a natural side effect of the ECT. Dr Purnell is trying to rid you of the shadows in your mind so that you can focus on reality.'

Starsky snorted. 'Is that what the bastard told ya?'

'It's standard procedure for delus... your type of illness, yes.'

'My type of delusions huh? Is that what he told ya? Don't trust a word he says coz he's crazy?'

'You hate him, don't you?' Jess asked.

'Hate him? Why the hell shouldn't I?'

'He saved your life from the crash.'

Starsky shook his head. 'No crash. Well, there was a crash but apart from a couple'a broken bones I was ok. I need to find Hutch. He was with me when... the bastard has him. I need to know. I need to get outa here to find him.'

Jess watched her patient become steadily more agitated. His breath rate increased and a fine sheen of sweat broke out across his forehead. His hands balled into fists and for a moment the woman feared that Starsky might start to become violent. Instead, the brunet closed his eyes fighting for control as Jess inched off to the edge of the mattress.

Starsky's eyes opened and he stared at the ground. 'M'sorry' he muttered. 'I just need to...'

The mention of the fictitious Hutch allowed an opening for Jess to explore. She relaxed a little – if Starsky was indeed as violent as Purnell said, then surely he would have shown it right now. Instead though, Jess felt only loneliness and a great longing from her patient.

'Who's Hutch?' she asked.

Starsky froze. Should he trust her? Should he talk to this young woman about his partner? Matwick had convinced everyone else that Hutch was a figment of Starsky's imagination. Why should she be any different? He paused, considering for a moment, and glanced at the girl. Starsky liked what he saw. She seemed open and trusting and her hands, unwrapping his own from their confining bandages had been the first kind touch he'd felt in as long as he could remember. The cop made his decision.

'He's the man that your boss says is a figment of my imagination' Starsky rasped softly.

'And you disagree?'

Starsky sighed and looked away. 'Lady you don't forget your partner of 9 years. Ya don't forget the times we've watched each other's backs or the good and bad times we've shared. Hutch is real.' The brunet snickered. 'You couldn't make someone like Hutch up if ya tried.'

'But if you're feeling lonely, or scared maybe Hutch is the sort of person who, in your own mind, would give you some sort of escape?'

'Hutch is as real as you are. I swear it' Starsky said softly 'an' yeah, his memory makes me feel safe.'

'Where is he?'

'I don't know. My memory is patchy. I remember some things an' not others. But what I do remember is the gods honest truth ma'am.'

'Tell me what you remember and maybe we can take it from there.'

Starsky sighed. 'We were in England workin' a case – his case as it turned out. We'd got a great lead and we were followin' up on it when we saw a tail. Hutch was driving. The car we were in hit sumthin on the road or maybe we just couldn't make the turn. We spun out of control and ended up to our buts in freezin' water in the river. It's fuzzy from then on. I think I must've blacked out an' when I came around there were a bunch of flakes haulin' Hutch's ass outa the car. I tried to stop 'em but I was pinned. One of 'em hit me an' I blacked out again. When I came to I was here, with Ma... with your boss.'

Jess listened to Starsky's voice and watched her patient's body language. What he told her he obviously believed. There was none of the telltale signs of excess sweating or agitation and Starsky's eyes met Jess' without flickering or turning away. Whoever Hutch was – whoever Starsky believed him to be, to the brunet he was very real.

'You don't like Dr Purnell, do you?' Jess asked.

'Well that's an understatement.'

'It's not unusual for patients like yourself to become angry at their doctor.'

The brunet snickered. 'Patients like myself? You mean guys who're locked away in psychiatric hellholes? Head cases? Like me? Why not say it huh? You think I'm a fruitcake don't ya?'

'No...I...' Jess looked away, for some reason both confused and embarrassed. Starsky leaned forward and put out his left hand, gently raising Jess' chin until he could see her eyes. 'I aint crazy.'

'I never said...' Jess lost herself in the earnest indigo gaze before finally tearing her eyes away from Starsky's. She mentally shook herself. 'I never said you were' she said quietly. 'But you seem to hate Dr Purnell with a passion.'

'Hate him? For what he's done? Yeah, I hate the bastard.'

'Why? He's trying to make you well again.'

'He's tryin' to blank my memory coz he knows I could bring him down.'

Jess shook her head. 'You've lost me.'

'I know him and he...' Starsky's words were cut off by the door to his room being pushed open. Two guards and a nurse came in and Starsky flashed Jess a look of panic.

'Don't let 'em give me that' he snapped, seeing the syringe in the nurse's hand. 'Jess, please don't...'

The guards elbowed their way past Jess and pushed Starsky back onto the bunk. He fought with them, struggling to get away until one of them punched him in the stomach, knocking the wind out of the brunet's body. Jess jumped and looked away, sickened at the violence.

'Be careful. You don't need to do that' she shouted as the other guard used his knee in Starsky's stomach to keep the curly haired man down. The nurse plunged the needle of the syringe into Starsky's arm and the three men stood back as Starsky's eyes started to roll up. With an effort, the brunet focussed on Jess one last time.

'Help me' he managed to force out as the guards started to fasten his wrists to the edge of the bunk with leather restraints.

Jess felt the bile rising in her stomach and ran from the room leaving her patient to his dreams. She was sickened and felt powerless. Restraints were quite frequently used in mental facilities, but this degree of all out violence? As she ducked into the nearest restroom and fell to her knees in the nearest cubicle, Jess wondered whether she could do this job or whether she should tell Dr Purnell to get someone else better qualified to deal with the handsome man in room 320.