Part Two
A week after returning to Boston, Sydney and Alex still hadn't said more than two full sentences about her impromptu trip to Los Angeles. She didn't want to talk about it, he didn't want to know. It probably wasn't the best way to deal with the troublesome emotions brewing in both of them, but neither knew how to bring it up or what to say. So they went on with life as usual, getting caught up in their busy routines and acting as though nothing had changed.
But everything changed.
On Saturday night, they decided they needed some time together after the hectic work week. They did their usual - dinner and a movie - and all in all, it was a pleasant evening. Maybe we'll be okay, she thought to herself as they walked to their car, his hand on her waist. You're just adjusting to seeing Vaughn again. Things will be normal soon. You'll feel normal soon.
Once they arrived home, she turned back on her cell phone and noticed a missed call, recognising the number immediately. She no longer had it stored in her phone, and it wasn't even the same number as before, but she'd looked at the small piece of paper with his scribbled number more times than she cared to admit since she returned from Los Angeles. She glanced over at Alex and saw he was already absorbed in whatever he had found on the television. "I'm going to go change," she told him, pointing to the bedroom and waiting for his nod of acknowledgment before hurrying out of earshot to listen to the voicemail. What are you doing, Sydney? she asked herself for one moment. He let you go. You both decided this was best. You can't change the rules of the game! But as quickly as the thoughts came, she made them disappear. You're doing what's right, she realised. Even if Alex didn't see it that way, this was right. She took a deep breath and opened her voicemail to listen to his voice.
"Syd," he choked miserably. From just that one word, she knew he was crying. "Sydney, I...I'm not doing so well," he confessed through the tears. "I know it's unfair, and I know I shouldn't call you like this, but I don't know what to do. I'm so lost, Syd. Please, please, I know you probably don't want to talk to me, but I'm falling apart, and you're the only person...you're the only one, Syd. I don't have anyone else to call, but even if I did...I need you. I'm so sorry to do this to you, but I couldn't do it anymore. Please, Syd, I'm in Boston, and I need to see you. I'm not really supposed to drive, but I will if you'll please let me see you. I just need to talk. I really need this. Please, help me," he begged. She'd never heard him sound so broken, so desperate, even after everything she'd been through with him. He sounded at the very bottom of his rope and just barely clinging on. "I'll understand if you can't, but I need you," he said pleadingly. She heard him try to say more, but it was obvious he couldn't and hung up.
Oh God, what is happening here? she thought frantically.Where was Lauren? Why was he so torn apart? With only a moment's hesitation, she crept out to the back patio and dialled his cell phone number. He didn't answer, and her heart started racing even more than it already was. He probably shouldn't be flying so soon after his injuries, and he really shouldn't be getting so worked up right now. Feeling herself beginning to panic, she dialled his number again and prayed he would pick up this time.
Her prayers were answered. "Syd?" he asked weakly, sounding so lost and vulnerable she couldn't hold back her own tears.
"Yeah, it's me," she answered softly. "Where are you? Are you okay?"
"No," he answered miserably.
"What's wrong? Does everything feel okay?" she asked, concerned first about his physical condition.
"It hurts," he admitted.
"What hurts, Vaughn?" she prodded. "I'm going to help you, but you have to talk to me."
"My chest," he answered, obviously in pain. "It just hurts to breathe."
"Okay, just keep taking big breaths," she instructed. "What were you even thinking flying all the way here?"
"I had to, Syd," he answered.
"This is insane, Vaughn," she scolded. "How long have you even been out of the hospital? Your lung collapsed a week ago! Please, tell me you didn't come all the way here by yourself," she pleaded.
"There's no one," he choked. "I'm sorry, Syd. you don't have to come. I shouldn't have called, I shouldn't have-" he stopped, suddenly choked for air and panting heavily. Immediately feeling bad for reprimanding him when he was obviously in distress, she abandoned the inquisition in favour of soothing him.
"It's okay, I'm sorry. Just breathe, Vaughn," she instructed gently.
"I'm sorry," he apologised weakly when he got his breathing under control again. "There's no one..."
"There is now," she soothed. "Just tell me where you are, and I'll get there as soon as I can."
He managed to name the hotel and the room number, and thankfully, he'd picked a hotel not too far away from her house. She calmed him down enough to hang up and walked back inside, grateful to hear the sound of the television still on in the living room. Alex couldn't have heard any of their conversation, and hopefully, he wouldn't suspect anything. Vaughn's been back in my life a little over a week and I'm already lying to my husband, she thought wryly. But it didn't phase her. Something major was going on here, something Vaughn couldn't deal with alone or with Lauren. Whatever it was, she had to help him. She loved him too much to let him suffer, no matter what happened between them or how much time passed. Glancing at the clock, she saw it was almost ten and impulsively grabbed her duffel bag from the closet. Something told her they were in for a long night, and upset as he sounded, she didn't want to leave him alone. She tossed in sweats, a t-shirt, and a few other necessities and tried to look normal as she returned to her husband in the living room.
"You wanna find a movie or something?" he asked her without turning around.
"I can't," she answered. "Kelly just called me," she explained, naming one of her best friends here in Boston. She hated bringing someone else into it since it meant Kelly had to lie as well, but it was the only believable explanation.
"Is everything okay?" he asked in concern, turning off the television and turning around to look at her.
"Yeah, it'll be fine. She drank a little too much and started thinking about Jonathan. She's pretty upset, so she wanted me to come over. Do you mind?" she asked sweetly.
"No, of course not. She needs you. Go take care of her. I'm playing tennis with Steve tomorrow, and then we'll probably spend some time at the club with the guys, so I'll just see you tomorrow evening," he said amicably.
"Sounds great," she managed to smile. She kissed him on the cheek and bid him a good night before slipping outside and sighing in relief. In the car, she quickly dialled Kelly's number. "Kel, I need your help," she blurted as soon as her friend picked up the phone.
"Sydney?" Kelly asked in confusion. "What's wrong?"
"I'm so sorry to do this to you, but I'm kind of...using you as an alibi," she admitted sheepishly.
"Um, alright. For...?"
"It's a long story," she sighed. "Something's going on with Michael. He's here in Boston, and he really needs me. He sounded really bad, and I don't think I should leave him alone tonight."
"Sydney," her friend scolded. "Please tell me you're not really spending the night in a hotel room with your ex-boyfriend."
She cringed at the word, knowing "ex-boyfriend" couldn't even begin to describe her relationship with Vaughn. "Kelly, you don't understand. I have to. He just got out of the hospital. I'm worried he hurt himself coming all this way, and he wouldn't call me unless he was desperate. I can't just turn him away."
"Are you sure about this?" she asked warily.
"I'm sure. I have no idea what's going on with him, but he came to me. He needs me for some reason," she tried to explain, though her friend could probably never understand her very complex relationship.
"Okay, but please, just be careful," Kelly warned her. "What do you want me to do?"
"I just need you to cover for me if it comes up. It probably won't, but I told Alex you were upset about Jonathan and asked me to come over," she explained. "I'm really sorry to put you in this position, but I didn't know what else to do."
"Tell him the truth?"
"Kel, now just isn't the time. I'll tell him later. I really need to get to Michael right now," she answered. "Look, I need to go, but thank you for helping me out. I promise, it's just this one time."
"I'm holding you to that," her friend warned. "Just be smart tonight."
"I will," she promised before hanging up. Fifteen minutes later, she pulled into the parking lot of the hotel and grabbed her duffel bag out of the front seat. She hurried inside and rode the elevator up to the sixth floor to his room. "Vaughn?" she asked quietly as she knocked on the door. "I'm here. Can you let me in?"
She heard him shuffling around inside, probably having a little difficulty with the movement and still a little slow from his stay in the hospital. "Hi," he said raggedly as he swung the door open to let her inside.
"Oh Vaughn," she sighed, taking one look at his pale face and abandoning her bag. She grabbed his hand and carefully led him to the bed, helping him sit down and propping him up against the pillows. "Let me see your chest," she instructed softly, not even thinking as she helped him strip off his t-shirt. He moaned slightly in pain, leaning his head back against the wall as she checked his wound and surgical incision to make sure he hadn't reopened anything. "Doesn't look like you did too much damage. How's your breathing? Are you doing okay?" she asked in concern.
"Yeah," he nodded. "I'm fine. It just hurts."
"Did you take your medicine?" she asked. He nodded in confirmation, so she got up and found the wash cloths in the bathroom. She wet them with warm water and carried them back to the bed, gently placing them on his chest and pressing down carefully to relieve a little of the pain. His eyes fluttered closed, and she couldn't resist brushing her fingers through his messy hair as she moved the cloths around and flipped them over as they cooled. "Breathe," she whispered. "It's okay. You'll be okay." She continued raking back his hair while he breathed deeply, whispering soothing words as he grimaced in pain. When the cloths lost their warmth, she took them back to the bathroom and then helped him pull his shirt back on.
"Thank you," he whispered.
"You don't have to thank me," she shook her head. "I can't believe you came all this way, though. You almost died, Vaughn. You can't just jump right back into everything."
"I know, Syd," he admitted. "But I didn't know what else to do. You don't understand...you don't know how bad it was," he said tearfully. "I know I'm not allowed to need you, but I did...I do."
"You can need me," she countered gently. "I know we had an agreement, but when have we ever followed the rules? If you need me, I'm going to be there for you, no matter how long it's been or who we're with."
"I don't want to complicate your life," he whispered, gazing up at her with anguished green eyes.
"I'm more worried about you right now. I'll deal with my own life. Just tell me what's going on so I can try to do something to help you," she begged. She picked up his hand and squeezed it tightly, trying to make him understand she was here and not going anywhere until he felt better. "Tell me what happened, Vaughn," she whispered. "Whatever it is, we'll figure it out. We always do."
She continued to lightly stroke his hair while he stared down at the bed and gathered the courage to tell her what was on his mind. "What did Weiss tell you about my accident?" he finally asked.
"Not much," she shrugged. "He can't now that I'm not an agent. He said you were attacked and stabbed on a mission and that the team couldn't find you until it was almost too late."
"I don't go in the field anymore, Syd," he reminded her. "I haven't for a long time. Since before you even left."
"That's what I thought. I just assumed you went back for some reason. Are you saying this didn't happen on a mission?" she asked in confusion.
"No," he shook his head gravely. "I don't go on operations anymore. I was at home," he said quietly.
She bit her lip and squeezed his hand again. "They came into your home?" she asked in disbelief. "God, Vaughn, I'm so sorry," she murmured. "Why would someone be after you?" she asked. But then she had a horrible realisation. Feeling the colour drain out of her face, she looked up at him, silently praying her theory was wrong. "Oh my God. Was it about me? Did this happen because of me?"
"No," he shook his head immediately. "No, Syd, this wasn't your fault. Not at all. It was mine. I caused it."
"I don't understand. How was it your fault? Do you know who did this to you?"
"Yes," he nodded. "I know exactly who it was."
"Who?" she prodded.
"It was Lauren, Syd," he finally answered. "She stabbed me in the chest with a knife from our kitchen."
Shocked, Sydney could say nothing. She just gaped at him, struggling to believe the words. For a moment she thought he must be joking, but his face was deathly serious. "Lauren?" she choked. "Your wife tried to kill you?"
He nodded and dissolved into tears, dropping his head into his hands. She hesitated, unsure of what to do, and then finally curled up beside him and pulled him into her arms. She'd never seen him cry so much or so hard. She could feel the pain bleeding out of him and invading her own body as she held him and tried to soothe him. Her words seemed to do nothing, but he clung to her like she was his last tie to life. In that moment, the years between them disappeared. He was hers again, and she was his. The hurt, the anger, the grief...none of it mattered anymore. Right now there was only him and her, together, like they were meant to be. Her guilt for using Kelly and lying to Alex vanished, replaced by a sense of greater good by being here with this man who so desperately needed her. Alex could never need her like this, and Kelly could never be the friend Vaughn had always been. At the end of the day, Vaughn meant more to her than both of them. Believing anything else was deceiving herself. No matter what happened after tonight, she wouldn't ever turn her back on him again. His pain would always be her pain. His emotions would always be her emotions. They severed their relationship long ago, but some things didn't end, no matter how hard they tried. Their bond, their connection, was too deep for a little thing like marriage to other people to interfere.
He continued to cry for close to fifteen minutes, but she didn't mind his tears. The hurt overwhelmed her, but she could only rejoice he was here and he was safe. He almost died, but now he was here, with her, trusting her as he had always done. Nothing could make her feel so complete. "It's okay, Vaughn," she whispered as he began to calm just a little. The tears continued, and he still shook in her arms, but the cries grew a little softer now. "It'll be okay now."
"Syd," he choked in agony, clinging to her even tighter.
"I'm here, Vaughn," she murmured. "I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. You're safe."
"She betrayed me," he cried. "I married a traitor. I missed you so much and it hurt so bad, and I was stupid. I thought she could help me move on. She was so nice, and it felt so good to be wanted again. But it was all a trick. It was all lies. None of that was even real. I was so naive and oblivious. She never loved me, Syd. Never. Not in the beginning, not when I let you go and let you get married, not even after years and everything I sacrificed."
"Oh God," she breathed in absolute horror. No wonder he was falling apart. No wonder he was so destroyed. His entire world was built around a set of lies. Every decision he made, he made thinking of her and in the name of doing the right thing. And all for a traitor. "Oh my God. How long have you known? When did you find out?"
"A few weeks ago," he admitted.
"A few weeks?" she gasped. "And you stayed? You didn't get out of there?"
"I couldn't," he shook his head. "I wasn't allowed. They wouldn't let me. There was talk around the agency about a mole, and they started investigating. When the realised it was Lauren, they thought...they thought I was working with her, Syd. They thought she'd gotten to me after you...after you disappeared. They actually thought she convinced me to join her side. I was in 'questioning' for three days. But that's bulls. You know what I was," he spat bitterly. "I was a prisoner. Everyone treated me like...like her. I know I screwed everything up, but I swear, Syd, I was loyal. I never knowingly did anything to betray the agency...to betray you. I swear I didn't know what she was."
"Of course not," she soothed. "God, I can't believe they would ever question you like that. I would never suspect you, Vaughn," she swore. "I know you're loyal. Whatever she did, it wasn't your fault."
"That's not what they thought," he scoffed. "When they finally cleared me, I had to go through a thousand psych evals to find out what she'd done to me. Then they told me I had to go back to her and help them bring her in."
"What!" she cried in disbelief.
"They said it was my duty."
"I'll kill them," she hissed angrily, beginning to see red. He'd been through enough. They never should have made him go back. "I can't believe that. Was my dad a part of this?"
"Of course," he laughed humourlessly. "He was the one who pushed it. I married her, so it was my responsibility to fix it."
"No, Vaughn," she shook her head. "That's ridiculous. I can't believe he did that. He should have known better. God, of all people! He should understand!"
"It's okay, Syd," he tried to calm her. "He's right. It was my fault. I let her get access to everything. Not on purpose, but I did. I didn't want to go back, and I tried to refuse, but he said they needed me on the inside. Leaving her during the investigation would be too suspicious even though our marriage was a joke anyway," he laughed again. "I guess that's part of my punishment for being such an idiot."
"You are not an idiot," she countered. "You were hurting and vulnerable. She preyed on that, Vaughn. You didn't deserve any of this. You've suffered more than enough. She took your pain and twisted it around...that could happen to anyone."
"It's not just that," he shook his head. "She messed with my head, Syd. She did things to me. I don't know the full extent, but she was brainwashing me from the start. I have to believe I never would have let you go if she wasn't screwing with me. Looking back on it now, I know it was my biggest mistake. Bigger than marrying her."
"Don't think about that right now," she murmured.
"I have to," he protested. "I gave up everything, and for what? For a sham of a marriage, a woman that didn't love me, a traitor. If I hadn't let her get to me, I never would have been able to move on from you. I wouldn't have been married when you came back. We would be together now. I know we would, Syd. I was so in love with you. That was all I wanted. She kept us apart. All of this...it's because of her, because I was stupid enough to say yes the first time."
"Stop," she commanded. "You have to stop. This isn't your fault. Stop torturing yourself. This was part of their plan all along. You couldn't help it. I told you before...I never blamed you for what happened between us."
"But I could have fixed it, Syd," he protested tearfully. "When you came to me that day...I thought I was doing the honourable thing, but I was really helping the enemy. I knew letting go of you would be the hardest thing I ever did, but I thought I was doing it for a reason."
"You were," she insisted. "You're a good man. You were doing the right thing. We agreed it was for the best, Vaughn. We couldn't have known how things would turn out, not then."
"Yeah, and now I just have nothing," he said quietly. "My honour is gone. My wife is out there somewhere, probably trying to figure out how to kill me. And I'm here where I don't even deserve to be."
"That's not true," she protested, her tears falling into his hair as she wrapped her arms around him. "You didn't ruin us, Vaughn. It was never your fault. You're not any less of a person because of her. You're still you."
"But I let you go. I let you go to him. I know it's not fair to just crawl back to you, but my life...you were the only thing that ever made any sense. I just wanted to feel that one more time."
"Shh," she whispered, alarmed by his fatalistic talk. "I'm glad you're here. I'm so glad you came to me. I just wish you called me as soon as you found out. I wouldn't have let you go back to her," she swore.
"I wanted to," he said quietly. "All I wanted was to sit with you and hear you tell me I'd be okay."
"You know I would have. I would have been on the first flight out. Why didn't you?" she asked softly. "Why didn't you call? Why didn't you come?"
"Because I love you," he whispered solemnly. "I never stopped. I didn't want you to think I was just crawling back to you because she was gone. I wanted to make you believe you were always the one I wanted. And after everything I put you through, I didn't - don't - deserve your comfort."
"Stop," she commanded again. "Don't say things like that."
"But it's true. I love you, Syd," he told her again. "And I gave you up for the woman that helped take you from me in the first place."
"It's not your fault, Vaughn," she insisted once more, desperate to make him believe. "You can't blame yourself for any of this."
"I should have seen through it," he argued. "I shouldn't have tried to move past you. I should have known it wouldn't really be possible. When I found out she was Covenant, I didn't even care about what she did to me. I wanted her to die for what she did to you, and that was the only reason I even cared about anything. But I guess I got sloppy," he shrugged. "She realised I knew the truth. She told me she was going on a business trip, and then I got up in the middle of the night, walked into the kitchen to get some water, and she stabbed me."
"Oh God, Vaughn," she breathed in horror.
"I gave up everything," he whispered in agony. "I gave up everything out of some misguided sense of duty to her, and she stabbed me in the chest and left me to die on the kitchen floor. And the thing is, I wanted to. Weiss was supposed to come by in the morning, and I really just wanted to be dead by then."
"You don't mean that," she whispered.
"I do, Syd. It would have been better that way."
"Don't say that," she ordered. "It's not true."
"Yes, it is," he argued. "I saw you there when I woke up, and God...I wanted to live again. It was worth it to have another chance to see you. But what am I supposed to do now? There's nothing for me in LA, but what is there anywhere else? I guess I can go back to the CIA, but for what? To seek revenge until she finally kills me? You did the right thing," he sighed. "You quit and got away."
"You can do that, too, Vaughn," she insisted. "You're right; there's nothing for you in Los Angeles. So go somewhere else. Get a job at Langley or find a new job. Forget about her."
"How?" he asked miserably.
"I don't know," she answered honestly. "But I know you have to try."
"Why?" he challenged. "Why does it matter?"
"Because you matter," she answered simply. "Why do you think I went to LA? Why do you think I'm here now?"
"I don't know," he shrugged.
"Because I need you to be okay. When Weiss called me, I was terrified. I felt it. I swear, I felt it," she said quietly. "Something felt off earlier in the day, and as soon as I heard his voice, I knew why. Because of you. Because something happened and you were hurting. Nothing mattered but getting to you. It was my anniversary, Vaughn. My one year anniversary, and I left my husband so I could get to you. Does that sound like you don't matter? Does that sound like you're not needed? You are. You are, Vaughn. If nothing else, I need you, and I'm so glad you're still alive."
He said nothing, but she felt him shaking again with silent sobs. "I miss you, Sydney," he cried after a few minutes.
"Shh," she soothed. "It's okay. I'm here now. I promise, you'll be okay."
"Don't leave," he pleaded. "Please, don't leave me again. I can't do this. I'm so tired."
"Sleep," she whispered. "I won't leave you. I'll be here. Just try to sleep now. I'm not going anywhere," she promised, wrapping her arms more tightly around him. "Sleep," she whispered. She continued holding him as he cried himself to sleep, slackening her hold only when she was convinced he wouldn't wake up. Cautiously, she eased them down beneath the covers and made sure he was warm enough. Even then, she couldn't bring herself to get up and change into more comfortable clothes. It had been so long since he slept in her arms or vice versa, and she didn't want to give up even a second. "I love you," she whispered. He didn't hear her, didn't stir, but he finally looked peaceful and pain-free. For now, it was enough.
The next morning she woke up before him and reluctantly climbed out of bed. She found no evidence of food in his room at any point, so she quietly slipped on her shoes, grabbed his key card off the nightstand, and crept outside to search for breakfast. She instinctively grabbed his favourite foods from the hotel breakfast and carried the food back upstairs. When she walked back inside, he was out of bed and pacing the room. "Syd," he sighed in relief.
"Sit back down," she instructed.
"You weren't here," he said quietly as he complied and sat down in bed again. "You
scared me."
"Sorry, I was just grabbing food from downstairs," she explained. "When was the last time you ate?" she asked pointedly. He looked away and didn't answer. "That's what I thought," she said wryly. "You need to eat."
"You don't have to do this, Syd," he protested as he accepted a bagel.
"I know. I want to. I want to help you, Vaughn. I want to do whatever it takes to get you through this. Now eat," she ordered.
He chuckled a little and obeyed, and they ate breakfast together in silence. Afterwards, she made him take off his shirt again so she could check the wounds and bandages on his chest. Thankfully he'd been rational enough to bring the supplies with him, so she replaced the bandages and made sure he took all the medicine he was supposed to. Now that morning had come, she knew she couldn't stay here. As much as she wanted to, she had another life to return to. She didn't want to think about it, so she fussed over him instead.
"Are you leaving?" he finally asked.
"Vaughn," she sighed.
"Are you leaving?" he asked again.
"You know I have to," she answered quietly. "Alex..."
"Yeah, I know," he nodded painfully. "I'm glad he takes care of you. I'm glad you're happy. You deserve that, Syd. I'm sorry for interfering."
"Vaughn," she breathed, biting her lip and shaking her head as she tried not to cry. "I still love you," she confessed, feeling the weight on her chest finally lift a little as she admitted the truth she'd tried to conceal for so long. "I'm not saying goodbye to you, not again."
"What do you mean?" he asked quietly.
"I don't know exactly. But I'll see you again. And anytime, day or night, for any reason...call me."
He nodded, and they sat in silence again for another few minutes, trying to delay the inevitable. "You know what I wish?" he blurted suddenly. "I wish we could fix that night. I just want to go back in time and make that night never happen.I want everything to be the way it was supposed to be. You and me in Santa Barbara for the weekend. I had everything planned out so perfectly. It was going to be incredible. Our first real vacation together. I would do anything, anything, to go back and make it happen."
"I would, too," she agreed quietly.
"But we can't, can we?" he laughed bitterly.
"No," she shook her head. "No, we can't."
"I guess you should go now," he said dully.
She nodded and rose, staring down at him sitting there on the bed so broken and confused. "I meant what I said," she whispered. "Anytime. It's not goodbye. I'm not saying goodbye to you again." She leaned over and cupped his face in her hands, pressing a long, sweet kiss to his forehead. "Don't forget," she whispered. She allowed her lips to linger a few more seconds, and then she gathered all of the will she possessed and walked out, closing the door behind her.
TBC