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The next morning, upon waking, Quinn spent a second anticipating having to get a start on studying for that biology test, except then they remembered were they were. Quinn almost felt relieved, but then they remembered they'd seen a man die last night and it made it a little hard to be relieved about anything.
The Salazar's had taken Alicia's room last night. Alicia shared with her brother. Quinn, Hye and Eliza slept in Chris' room.
At the window, Quinn watched Travis roll the trash bin out to the edge of the driveway. They saw the blood stain on the rolled-up rug before he tucked it under the lid. One of the neighbours was taking out their own trash. The exchange of nods between the two men was uncomfortable and forced.
"What do you see?" Hye whispered.
Quinn jumped and looked at the floor on end of Chris' bed. Their mother yawned and peered up at them, one eye open and her small toes sticking out at the end of the blanket.
"Nothing, Mom. Go back to sleep."
Hye sat up. Quinn rolled their eyes and pushed away from the wall, tossed a water bottle so it would land on the blanket at Hye's feet.
"Drink."
"When did you get so bossy?" Hye asked, unwinding the lid.
When you started stuttering Beaten Housewife again. Quinn held their tongue, shrugged. "Sorry."
Hye drank, but then her eyes fell to Quinn's chest... "What is that?"
Quinn looked down when they felt something warm and wet start to spread. They saw the wriggle in their breast pocket and the dark stain growing under it. A little of it was red. "Oh, f – udge!"
Hye's eyes, which were dark brown and epicanthal and identical to Quinn's, widened. "You brought Newt?!"
Quinn scrambled to undo the button and a small gecko zapped up to their collarbones, holding on for dear life. A trail of pee and blood followed her. Quinn grabbed her. "Quick, Mom, hand me something!"
Hye struggled, but found a jar on the bedside. It had enough space for a gecko, sort of, well, if geckos were supposed to be kept in jars that is –which they were not.
"Quinn Chŏn!"
"Oh, gosh. She dropped her tail."
"Wha..." Eliza was awake now. "What's going on?"
"Mom," Quinn insisted, and felt like crying. "Gimmie!" She did, and Quinn placed the tail-less gecko into the glass jar, left the lid on but not totally sealed and placed it on the dresser. "Stupid gecko peed on me."
"Gecko?" Eliza murmured, rubbing her headache. Her mascara was smudged.
"Why the hell did you bring her?!" Hye ordered.
"I couldn't leave her at home! There was a riot! Those people would've kidnapped her!"
"You brought her here?!" Chris was awake now, too, laughing.
"Shut up," Quinn hissed, grimacing at the wet patch on their chest. "God, I left her in the sink to pee for ages last night and she still– ugh!" They bit back a curse. "Darn you, Isaac Newton!"
"What is wrong with you, Quinn?!"
"I'm sorry! But she would've died!"
"She already dropped her tail!"
"What's going on?!" Travis burst in.
"Oh God," Quinn moaned, cheeks shining and tears welling. Chris was sitting back, smirking.
"Are you hurt?"
"No, no." Quinn could see Nick and Madison poking their heads into the room too. "I'm fine. It's Newt."
"What happened?" Madison asked.
"Quinn brought Newt – that's what," Hye grumbled. "Gosh, Travis, I'm so sorry."
"You brought a newt?" Nick asked. He sounded curious, like he might laugh, but like he was exhausted at the same time.
"She's not a newt," Quinn said. "She's a gecko. She's just called Newt."
"Travis," Hye said. "I'm so sorry. I'll make h—" Quinn cut her off.
"Mom, I'm not leaving her!"
"This isn't up for discussion."
They kept bickering, Travis and Madison chiming in to try to settle the argument. Eliza stayed out of it. Chris was laughing. He took the jar and stared at the curious little yellow and purple spotty creature inside. She wasn't bleeding too much, and Quinn had read about what to do if your gecko dropped a tail, but it still made them feel terrible.
"Hey, Newt," Chris mumbled.
"Put her down!"
"I was just looking."
"She's terrified," Eliza hissed.
Quinn pulled the little amputated tail out of their pocket and stared at it. It thrashed like it was alive. Hye gagged and left the room.
"I used to have hamsters," Nick said after a while. He'd said it rather softly, but somehow everybody heard him over the arguing and the noise of Hye gagging outside. His finger was raised and his eyebrows were up under his matted fringe. For some reason, Nick reminded Quinn of Willy Wonka from that movie with Jonny Depp. But like a drug-addict, grubby, younger version. Willy Wonka before he found his chocolate factory. He looked at his mother. "Little Boo and Pooba? Remember, Mom?" He made little cupped shapes with his hands (apparently this meant 'obvious hamster shape' to Nick). "When they died we put the cage up in the attic. Pretty sure it's still there now. Right, Mom?"
Madison's mouth was open and Nick wandered off to find it even though she hadn't said anything. Travis and Madison left after him. Hye returned to tend to Newt's wound and told Quinn to wash the pee off of them. Eliza said something about breakfast and packing and left to go downstairs, too.
Quinn showered and threw their clothes in the wash basket next to the sink. They caught their reflection in the mirror and smirked at the birthmark on their shoulder that had always looked like a cat's face in the middle of climax, but didn't spend a lot of time looking at much else; which was a difference from usual. Some days, Quinn would look at their reflection and feel okay about what they saw. They'd run their palms over their chest and groin, thinking, Yeah, I'm supposed to be this way. But then, other days, they'd do the same and think, No. No, this isn't me. Then, some days, rare days, Quinn could just not look, and think, I'm pretty sure I just exist... as Quinn.
For the first time in a while, this seemed to be one of those days.
They left the bathroom, picking at the acne on their back and itching the eczema on their inner elbows and knees.
"Quinn," Madison said. Quinn had just made it into Chris' room, ducking behind the door. They let Madison inside when she gestured. Quinn's hair was wet and they pulled their towel around their shoulders a little more. Chris was somewhere in the house. Madison passed Quinn a set of folded clothes, brushing a lock of blond behind her ear. She sniffed. "You can borrow some of Alicia's clothes, if you want."
"Um, thanks?" they said.
Madison's eyes travelled down to the gap between Quinn's towel and blinked. "Oh. Oh! God, I'm sorry." She groaned. Quinn didn't know what to do. Madison sounded like she might cry. "I thought you were a girl."
Quinn sort of just shrugged and smiled politely.
"W – wait..." Madison squinted at their chest. Quinn tightened their grip on the towel. Madison looked up, frazzled. She'd been having a rough time lately, Quinn knew, so they felt guilty giving her a hard time. "Are... Aren't you?"
"I'm n..."
"Maddy," Chris said, and stepped around her into the room. "They're fine. Thanks."
Madison looked like she didn't know if that meant for her to take the clothes back or leave them there, and then she looked like she didn't know if he meant 'they' the clothes or 'they' the person, so, in the end, she threw her hands up and left the room, telling them both to hurry up and get ready.
Chris flopped into his bed, still in his pyjamas, ignoring the scowl Quinn was giving him.
"I was only gonna say non-binary."
"Yeah," Chris moaned, "then she would have asked more questions, and before you know it, I'd have to lie here and listen to you rant on and on about gender for the thousandth time in my life."
"Jesus." Quinn grimaced. "You don't have to be a bitch about it."
Chris scoffed.
"It's not like I want to talk about it." Quinn could feel their cheeks flushing. They looked through Alicia's hand-me-downs. They understood Madison confusion over their chest; Quinn had developed a bad eating habit a few years ago, right around the time their father died, and so the little extra bulk remaining on their body still looked pretty curvy—Quinn didn't mind it. "And for the record, the times I have talked about it, you're usually stood up... or getting your head flushed in a toilet."
"It's usually your head too, Quinn."
"Touché."
"It's amazing you managed to keep talking with a mouthful of toilet water at all."
Quinn grinned, even though the experience had been far less amusing. It had only happened once, but Quinn was tired of getting called by uneducated assholes. If they were going to get bullied for something, the damn bullies could at least get their material right.
Chris groaned into his pillow, apparently not ready to wake up yet. Quinn checked he wasn't looking and began to dry them-self, anxiously peering at a very small-looking Newt on the dresser next to them.
"What do you need?" Chris asked.
"A new gecko tail and both genitals," Quinn mumbled, putting their glasses on, "or neither genitals." Chris grumbled something Quinn couldn't be bothered to translate into regular English, so they answered properly: "Can I have some jeans, and underwear? Maybe a hoodie, too?"
Chris pointed at his wardrobe. "I don't care."
Quinn smiled. "Perfect."
Quinn's talent was catching insects. Ever since they were a kid, they found them fascinating. They'd snatch up worms and beetles and butterflies, make ants' nests in jars and build snail farms. Once they acquired Newt, the skill finally became useful.
They'd caught a cricket against the window downstairs and dropped it into the hamster ball Nick had provided. Newt, who had stopped bleeding and was recuperating from her limb-loss, apparently had enough energy to keep crawling through the wires in the cage Nick'd given them, and so the only thing that would hold her was the ball. Quinn liked stroking her little nails when they poked out of the thin plastic slits, but other than the fact that it was a hamster ball, it was the best they had.
They watched Newt eye up her prey, then lurch forward, grabbing it in her mouth with a soft crunch. Newt made this face when she was eating. She looked goofy and like she was the happiest creature alive, her eyes wide and black and shiny. Crunch, crunch, crunch!
"I'm really sorry about your tail," Quinn whispered. "It'll grow back... and, sure, it might look a little weird, but, it was better than the alternative, right?"
Newt ate. Crunch, crunch –swallow– lick, lick. She turned her tiny head up to look at them.
"I'll get you more," Quinn smiled. "Promise."
The gecko was part of a class project in ninth grade. The school was going to throw her away once they were done at the end of the semester, so Quinn and Chris devised a plan. Quinn liked making plans. But it was Chris who always had the balls to execute them, and by default, Quinn was always his side-kick. After the last day of school ended, they hid in the auditorium and waited for all the students and teachers to go and it was just the cleaners doing their job. Seeing it clear, the teenagers snuck over to the science department, used the keys Chris'd stolen from the janitor, then snuck inside and grabbed Newt (who was called Miss. Spot at the time), replacing her with a dead rat Quinn had spotted outside by chance. They ran for it, the tiny creature zipped up in Chris' coat pocket.
Newt was kind of used to pocket travel.
Anyway, Eliza was both furious and proud of them both when they brought the school project home that evening. She grounded Chris and Hye, too, confined Quinn to the house for a whole weekend. Still, unlike Eliza, when Quinn brought out the 'she'll die without us' card to their mother, Hye couldn't say no.
Nick crossed the landing, glancing down at Quinn who was crouched with the gecko ball in their hands.
"Nice shoes."
Quinn's eyes snapped up, surprised that Nick meant it. "Um. Thanks."
They'd were wearing Alicia's old sneakers—they were black and white striped with pink flowers. Nick went downstairs, looking distracted; fidgeting and clenching his jaw and fists. Quinn was pretty sure he still hadn't showered.
Downstairs, Madison immediately pushed a plate of toast into Quinn's hands. They saw the blood stain on the living room wall, but looked away quickly, crossing into the kitchen with Newt under their arm. They placed the plate and ball on the table and sat opposite Daniel, who looked especially young for an old man that morning. Chris was sitting to Quinn's left.
"Quinn," Madison grimaced, "not on the table, please."
"Sorry." They put the ball of gecko on the floor and held it still with their feet, watching while Daniel gave Chris a lesson about the rifle he'd used to kill Peter last night. Quinn shivered and looked away, thinking, Guns are dumb anyway.
"These barrels have a cylinder, or a choke," Daniel said. "For wider spread of the ammo." He thanked Madison when she poured him coffee. She didn't seem to have a problem with the lesson. Ofelia was tending to Griselda upstairs. Quinn figured the Salazar's would stay here while the rest of them left for the dessert. "This is the break." Daniel snapped the rifle open, showed Chris something inside. "You load here." Quinn kind of lent over a little to see, too, but pretended to be biting into their jelly toast. Daniel took out two shells one at a time and told Chris what make they were. Snapped the rifle back together with a crunch, then said, "Use it to stop something."
Alright, that was pretty cool.
Daniel glanced at Quinn when he caught the curve in their lips. Quinn dropped the expression, cleared their throat, and bit a large bite out of their slice of toast. Daniel smiled the littlest bit in approval, then turned back to Chris. Quinn's eyes only widened when the –FUCKING LOADED– weapon was handed over to the boy. Chris grinned the same way he did in the riot before all the shit went down. Quinn wasn't really sure if they wanted to see what shit could go down from this. But Travis walked in before they could be any more of a dork about it.
"Feeling better?" Daniel asked him; Travis hadn't exactly enjoyed burying Peter's corps that morning.
"What the hell're you doing?"
"He's just showing me the gun, Dad."
"Finish packing the car," Travis ordered.
"It's not a big deal."
"Chris." The boy's head lifted form the rifle barrel. He was so irritated he didn't even frown. "Go..."
He did, and again, by side-kick default, Quinn went with him, collecting the Isaac Newton Ball in the process.
It only took another ten minutes for the cars to be loaded and for everybody to almost be ready to go. Chris, Eliza and Travis were taking the truck, while Madison, Nick, Alicia, Hye and Quinn were taking Madison's car. Madison had given Quinn a plastic bowl to rest the hamster ball in so that, for one, it would stop the thing from rolling around, and two, it would stop... animal excrements from leaking all over the place. Quinn wasn't sure if they needed to apologise more or thank her more, so kind of did both.
Hye was in the house taking her insulin shot. Travis was checking they got everything. Madison got into the car, tossing her bag down by where Hye's feet would go, and rested her arm on the open window. She sighed. Quinn realised she must've been saying goodbye to home. Quinn realised that they never really got a chance to do that them-self.
In less depressing news, but far more uncomfortable, Nick was pissing Quinn off. He was staring at them. They could see him frowning. Once, already, Alicia, who was sitting on Quinn's other side, had told him to knock it off. He hadn't answered, just kept staring. Quinn was about a second close to barking at him what his problem was before he turned to his mother and spoke...
"I need a couple more."
Madison startled, took a breath, and shook her head.
"Mom."
She acted like she hadn't heard him, adjusting the mirror.
"Please?" Nick asked.
She got the small white tablets out of her bag and handed them to him. Nick looked embarrassed, but Quinn did their best to ignore what was happening. They knew about Nick's addiction, and they'd heard him throwing up early in the morning from withdrawal.
"Is that all we have?" Nick suddenly leant forward to look, pushing Quinn to the side. Their kneese pressed against Alicia's knees and she grimaced. Newt ran circuits in the ball. Alicia saw this happen, yelped, and got out of the car all together, hissing through her teeth as she slammed the door and marched back to the house.
"Alicia!" Madison said.
"I have to pee!"
Madison sighed. Quinn apologised under their breath.
"It's okay. She's just having a rough time—"
"Mom..." Nick hadn't moved up yet. "Where is the rest?"
"I gave it to Griselda," Madison answered. Nick sat back. Quinn could stop leaning against their seat-belt. The quiet was achy and tiring. Nick's voice almost made them startle.
"Why?"
"She needs it," Madison answered.
"Mom," Nick said, "she's a stranger."
"She's in pain."
"So am I." Quinn heard the catch in his voice, saw the grind in his jaw and the well in his eyes.
"I know," Madison said, turning to him. "I'm gonna help."
"I don't need you, Mom," he said. "I need my medicine."
"Alicia!" Travis shouted. Madison beeped the horn. "C'mon, we're going!"
She closed the front door. That morning she was wearing short shorts and a red tank top, a flannel tied around her waist, and her hair was smoother since it had lost that I was just attacked by a crazy old lady look. A set of earphones dangled from her ear.
"I heard you."
"Let's go."
"I had to pee."
Quinn was starting to think their own family was pretty normal compared to these people. Alicia took a seat next to Quinn again, yanking her seat-belt and buckling herself in. Quinn tensed when they saw her glaring at the reptile in their lap, and then almost flinched when her eyes shot up to their face too, and stayed there.
What is it with this family and staring?!
Of course, Quinn knew the answer: It's you. You're the weird one, remember?
Helicopters buzzed overhead, travelling across the city outskirts. Quinn wanted to stick their head out the window and watch them, like Nick was doing, but settled for listening instead since they were in the middle of him and Alicia. Travis and his truck led the way, Madison following just behind. Quinn knew why the blanket looking thing looked so wet now. In the light, they could see that it was a deflated bouncy castle, and that it was covered in blood.
They drove through the neighbourhood. Ahead, in the truck, Quinn saw Eliza rest her head on Chris' shoulder and smirked because they knew Chris knew they could see him. Still, Quinn looked away to spare Chris' pride. They looked at their lap, bit their fingernails, and played with the hem of the borrowed sweater.
"Patrick?"
Their head popped up at Madison's yell. They looked, saw the old guy with a suitcase heading towards his home.
"Patrick, wait!" He didn't hear her. "No, no, no, no." Madison turned left instead of right, the opposite way Travis had just turned. Nobody said anything. They all knew what she was doing. Regardless, it didn't stop Quinn's heart from threatening to detonate right there in their chest. Madison parked in front of Patrick's car and jumped out quickly—Hye had to finish pulling up the handbrake.
Alicia followed her mom when she ran for the house, and when Quinn saw Chris, Travis and Eliza running, too, they pushed Newt's ball onto Nick's lap and muttered for him to hold her, then clambered out. They ran with them through the back gates, saw the Japanese garden plants and ornaments, but nothing could have prepared them for what they saw when they all rounded the corner.
Patrick and his wife were about to embrace, only Susan's teeth were bared, and Patrick was oblivious.
A gunshot went off, and Quinn leapt out of their skin. They all saw the explosion of blood and brain matter. They all watched Patrick and Susan collapse to the ground. Patrick screamed. Before they could think, people in camouflage, yelling through megaphones, stormed into the back yard.
It seemed that ignoring it was a useful trait as of late. It was the evening. Any dead (or infected) bodies were getting moved away by the military people—those camo guys with guns who blew a hole in Susan's head. Quinn had gotten into another fight with their mom. Something stupid about shoes. All the questions the military were throwing around, all the things they were being told to do, Hye's patience was running thin and Quinn didn't need to have her frustration taken out on them, so, in the spirit of ignoring it, Quinn left the house to catch more crickets.
This was somehow becoming like self-help to them. Newt was currently back in Madison's house camping out in a fruit bowl that Quinn was allowed to put dirt in, and an A&W root-beer bottle lid full of water. The dark blue glass sides were steep enough that she couldn't climb out of it, and if she tried she would simply slide down again into the dirt. It was definitely better than a hamster wheel, at least, although Quinn decided to keep it anyway—it was funny watching Newt try to move it.
They'd caught two crickets so far, and they were crouched in long grass around the side of somebody's house, which only occurred to them as odd when they noticed a little girl watching them from her bedroom window. As Quinn passed, she waved her toy doll at them. They waved back.
They were going to walk away but ducked back down when they heard something coming. Their heart raced. But it was just Nick. He crept around the side of the house and Quinn narrowed their eyes, watching him try a window, then try the next. Both were locked. He had a screw driver. He was going to use it. But then he noticed the little girl in the window. Quinn moved. Nick jumped out of his skin and put his fists up, then relaxed.
"Holy—Jesus, Q!"
Quinn looked him up and down. Nick clutched his heart, panting.
"You shouldn't be creeping around like that."
"Says you," Quinn replied.
At this, the young man crossed his arms and leaned back against the wall behind him, smirking. "You gonna tell?"
Quinn shrugged.
"Come on," Nick said, "please?"
Again, shrug. "I don't care."
"Cool." Quinn was going to walk away but Nick called them back. "Hey, uh, so I noticed... Chris' calling you—"
"Yeah," they said. "Uh, I'm..."
"Yeah... You're... what, exactly?"
Quinn narrowed their eyes at him. Nick squinted back. As much as Chris liked to joke, this conversation was rare and awkwardly succinct whenever it was forced into practice. Quinn never knew how to go about it. Even after the last few years of being sure. The strangest thing about knowing who you were was that it never felt like so much of a big deal in your own head as it did in someone else's.
"Uh, don't worry. Later, Nick," they rushed, walking away with the wriggling crickets in their hand.
Notes
Meet, Newt. The 'squirm in their chest'.
Thank you Andy for the right words about the thrashing tale xD
As always,
Happy reading.