After a long day of hand feeding, small steps to head outside and finding ways to distract herself, Maria curled up beside John sleeping body. Tracing designs on his bare chest and feeling the sleeping Ace at their feet, she tried to concentrate on John's breathing to help lull her back to sleep. Earlier, she had been fast sleep until she jumped awake from a dream that startled her, but didn't wake either of them.
So, here she was. Listening to John's soft snoring and feeling him breathing under her hand, one of his arms had moved around her shoulders unconsciously. It made her smile at the feel of his hand on her upper back and rested her cheek on his chest.
When John had returned from work that evening, he had treated her to some special wine he had picked up on the way home and it helped her relax while John took over the care of Ace for the evening. Sitting on the couch and watching John crush and mix the two different foods together, it made her smile as he baby talked Ace into eating the food from the spoon. She swore Ace glanced at her with a look of, "is he for real?" as John seemed to enjoyed himself and oblivious to the glancing Ace was giving to Maria.
Maybe John should hand feed him more often, Maria smiled to herself as he rolled over in his sleep and draped his other arm over her. Hearing a whining sound by their feet, Maria raised her head as far as she could and could see Ace's reason to complain - one of John's feet had moved and laid on top of Ace's muzzle. Lifting his graying muzzle, Ace rested it on top of his leg ankle and sighed. Laying her head back down, Maria nuzzled closer to John and just laid there with her thoughts. Ace is old, I know that - everyone knows that. He struggles to walk, stand and even doing his business. I know he's struggling with everything that used to be simple for him...what am I going to do? She sighed heavily to steady her emotions as they started to rise in her throat. Easy, girl. You start crying and John's going to wake up. You don't want him to, right? He worked a long, hard day and he deserves to just sleep. If Ace is struggling to get up tomorrow morning, you know you are going to have to make a decision to slow down or stop his pain, right? She shifted her arms so one was draped over John's waist while her other folded up near her chest and it quickly wiped the rising tears from her eyes.
You know what you're going to have to do, right?
---------------------------------
Rising early that morning to make breakfast, Maria felt like she was in a fuzzy daze as she started up the coffee maker and turned on the stove. Pulling out a plastic wrapping that held turkey bacon, she took deep breathes and continued to glance over at her cordless phone, knowing who she wanted to call. Scrambling the eggs and pouring them onto the pan, she listened for the alarm clock that had been set to get John up. A few minutes past as the alarm sounded and she could hear John slowly getting up and heading in for a shower. Smiling to herself as Ace ever so slowly emerged from the bed room and sat down beside her, she could see he was loosing the fight with old age. His head was low and his breathing seemed forced as he started to pant.
Reaching a free hand down as she flipped the bacon, she gently stroked the top of his head and released a long sigh. "I know, buddy. Just a little longer now," She looked down at him and looked into his dark eyes. "I promise."
Moving the cooked breakfast onto plates and placing them on the table, Maria felt arms wrap around her waist and lips connecting to her neck. "Morning, sweetie," he smiled warmly as she leaned back against him. "How you doing?"
"Alright, I guess, but I'm not sure about Ace." Their eyes moved to look at him, Ace's eyes staring at them as if he understood what she was thinking. "At this rate, I know what I'm going to have to do, though."
"What ever you have to do, love, I'll support you." John smiled down at her sadly as his fingers gently caressed her cheek. "I can also see you made breakfast. What did you make this morning?"
"Eggs, turkey bacon, toast, and coffee - a healthy breakfast at most." She nodded firmly as they both sat down at the table. "But, back to Ace...I think I know what I have to do for him."
John's eyes watch and observed her carefully, knowing fully what she meant. After she had watched her former partner, Alex, die painfully after he was shot by a sexual predator, Maria had held a silent vow to herself that she would not let Ace suffer that. Slowly chewing and swallowing his toast, John inwardly sighed as he reached across the table and took a hold of her hand. "When are you going to call the vet?"
"Late in the morning. I want it to be the earliest as possible so Ace doesn't have to wait," Maria's green eyes were downcast and her fingers moved to grip his hand. "There's a part of me that doesn't want to call him, but another part of me just wants to end it so he's not suffering any more and staring at me with those terrible eyes." She looked down and stared at him as he fell asleep beside her, his muzzle resting on her bare foot.
"Not to mention you need some rest, too," While she had thought he had been asleep last night, he was fully awake and had heard her fighting the tears that had threatened to fall. Moving his fingers to his were linked with hers, John watched her as she ate slowly while working on his food as well. Moments later and after a quick trip back to the bathroom to brush, John leaned back in his chair and tilted his head to look at her face. "Would you like me to stay home?"
"No, you have to go in, but I can call when I get an appointment for him." Standing to place the dishes into the sink, a pair of hands took a hold of her shoulders and turned her around. Wrapping his arms around her, John held her tightly to his chest and allowed her cry against him and release all the stress she had been holding in. Feeling her pull her head away from his chest, John allowed her to brush her lips against his as a hand slipped to the back of his neck, pulling him closer.
Aware of how much time he had left before he had to get going, John moved a hand to caress her cheek and slowly pulled away. Using his fingers to wipe away her tears, John sadly whispered, "I have to get going, baby. What ever appointment you get, call me and I'll come right back, okay?"
Closing her eyes and nodding, John pulled her into a tight hug and hoped her a better day, no matter what happened. "Thanks," Maria gave him a forced smile as he checked his Glock, making sure it was secure before giving her a quick kiss. "Have a good shift, okay."
"I will," he replied softly as he shut the door behind him, regrettably leaving Maria behind to deal with the decision.
---------------------------
Distracting herself by washing the dishes, Maria didn't really notice she had been scrubbing the same plate for five minutes, until the phone started to ring. Jumping and dropping the plate to the floor, Maria mentally cursed herself as she waited for the answering machine to pick it up.
"Maria Frank, this is Dr. Jones from the vet's office, coming to check in on Ace's condition..."
Perfect timing, Maria bitterly kicked herself as she rushed to pick up the phone. "Perfect timing, Jones."
"Really? How's he doing today?"
"Not all that great. Listen...I have decided on the decision to stop his pain," She paused as she took in a deep breath. "before it gets any worse."
"Oh, dear." She heard him sigh over the line. "Well, what I can do is make an appointment for later this afternoon and you can decide where we should do it."
Slowly sinking down to sit at the table, Maria rested her forehead in her hand and took in a deep breath. Looking up at the clock and seeing it was ten minutes to three in the afternoon, she pinched the bridge of her nose and begged for her headache to go away. For this awful drama to just go away. "Later this afternoon is good and I would rather have it done here instead of at your office. I...want him to be around what he knows, Doc."
"I understand, Maria. How about around five? I can come over at that time, get him comfortable and we can go as slow as possible so we don't cause him more pain."
Swallowing hard to keep her emotions in check, Maria let out a barely audible "okay" before hanging up and sinking to the floor, her fingers moving to stroke through Ace's neck fur. "I'm so sorry, Ace. I really am, old man," She looked over at him and stared into is dark eyes. Resting his head on her thigh, Ace let out a sigh along with a groan. Moving her eyes to look at her phone, she knew John had to be called, but something was stopping her. She felt numb from grief and just couldn't find the nerve to press the numbers of John's cell. Shaking her head, she reached for her cell phone instead and pressed only speed dial instead of the seven was answered after four rings - something that was normal when he was at work
"Maria? Everything okay?"John's voice was low in volume, but she could hear him loud and clear.
"The vet had called earlier and we worked out an appointment for five," She felt her throat go tight and the sigh on the other line showed her John could tell the difference between her normal tone over her emotional tone. "I had said I wanted it to be done here in the apartment and not at the office."
"Okay, babe. Well, let me talk to Cragen for a few minutes and I'll be home shortly."
Maria let out a long sigh and tilted her head back and stared up at the ceiling. "Okay then...I'll see you soon. I love you, John."
"And I love you, too."
Hearing him close the phone, Maria wrapped her arms around Ace and held him close while he slept. His dry nose was cracked and his breathing was sounding forced again, even while he was on medication for his discomfort. Closer her eyes to help counter her rising headache from constant crying, she lost track of the time while she sat with Ace, running her fingers over his body and took in his body shape. She wanted to remember what he looked like, even with all the pictures she had of him, she wanted to remember this moment in time and what he looked and felt like.
Lifted her head when a hand touched her cheek, Maria hastily wiped away the tears that had fallen. "Hey, um..." Composing herself by taking deep breathes, she flash a small smile as if to show she was all right, but John could tell she wasn't. "I didn't hear you come in."
"It didn't seem like you did since I said your name twice, babe." He held his hand out for her to take and pulled her to her unsteady feet. Lifting her tear stained face to look at him, he gently cupped her face and watched as she leaned into his touch. "You look like you want something, love."
"Yeah...a decent meal, a full night sleep and a shower," she whispered, her eyes closing and opening slowly. Sighing and pulling away from his hand, Maria sat down at the table and looked up at him with sad eyes. "But...I can't leave him alone right now. Not with the vet comin' to...," She stopped and couldn't continue.
Moving forward and kneeling down to look in her face, John placed his hand gently on her knee and tilted his head to look in her face. "I'm here for you, Maria. You understand me, right?" She nodded and placed her hand over his. "I know this is hard, baby. Ace knows you love him and knows you are trying hard to keep him comfortable."
She took a deep breath to steady her now heavy breathing and released it slowly, as she gazed down at John from the bottom of her glasses. He knew when she did that, she was slipping into cop mode and keeping her emotions in check - it was her going through the stages of grief. He had seen this a many times, during moments of the year when she would remember back to when her parents had died - her mother pulled the trigger on her father before taking her own life. "Can I admit something to you?"
"Absolutely," John firmly nodded, keeping his voice at a calm tone.
"Why do I feel like I'm playing God? I just decided the fate of my dog and now...I can't see him not being around me." She lowered her eyes and her shoulders slumped. "I feel confused about all this."
"You're trying to do what's best for him, Maria. Do you want to postpone the vet visit? I can call him right now and tell him-"
"No," She cut him off, her hand moving to caress his cheek. "No, it's alright. He's coming in a few hours so he has some time to spend with us." She looked down at the aging dog, who had rested his large head on her foot, his dark eyes staring up at her. Reaching down to pet him, a sad smile tugged at her lips. "I just can't let him pain continue, you know?"
From John's expression, he knew and understood.
To be continued...