Star Warz
Episode [Biohazard]:
Resident Hilarity
In the last thrilling episode, our star-studded couple entered the role-playing world of Final Fantasy VI in search of their stolen children. Through their trials they faced locals, xenophobic cactaurs, montages, and a meeting with an old enemy, along with a totally outrageous plot to boot! With the assistance of 16-bit Squall, the couple managed to infiltrate Kefka's floating continent, where they bore witness to the summoning of the universe's most powerful being: Lavos. Despite the death of Squall, the two heroes, along with their unhatched kin, defeated the combined evil and the fusion monstrosity that was Lavka.
However, due to an inconvenient wormhole, the family was separated once again as they landed in another strange world. We now return to where we left off: right after our lovers see the obstacle-ridden road before them…
(Turn to dark forest from last episode)
Sylvia: This is just great! After all we've been through and there's even more nonsense to put up with! D**n that Contractor!
Squishy: Now honey, no need to be upset. It's just a bunch of empty-looking houses and eerie noises. I bet it isn't so bad. We can't just immediately assume the worse with every new place we go to.
Sylvia: Yeah, you're right. I'm just so stressed from all we've just been through, only for us to lose our kids again. I had them in my arms, you know? Holding them once again, feeling their little lives.
Squishy: I know, I know. (Pats Sylvia) Come on. Let's get out of these woods.
(They move past some trees before immediately stepping out onto a wide road)
Squishy: Huh, that was quick enough. Um, you had time to calm down?
Sylvia: I did, thank you. Guess we just move forward and hope for the best, huh?
Squishy: Yep. But we should always stay cautious. Let's go.
(They start walking. A fog rolls in, and appearing from the mist is a title)
Star Warz:
Chronicles of the Eggs
Part 3
Resident Hilarity
(They continue walking down the spooky nighttime road. Owls are heard along with the call of crows)
Sylvia: Squishy, this place is starting to get spookier.
Squishy: Now, now, we can't let a foreboding atmosphere make this trek any more annoying than needs to be.
(They catch sight of an old, two story wooden house with a dim light inside)
Sylvia: Ohhhh boy… Must we?
Squishy: We better. Maybe whoever's inside could tell us about that castle, and perhaps where we are exactly.
Sylvia: But I have a feeling it won't play out like that.
Squishy: Yeah, pretty much.
(They go to the house, up the porch and stop at the door. Squishy tenderly grabs the door knob, slowly turns it and finds the door unlocked. They open it slowly and step in. They go down a short hall to their left and creep to the right. Before them is a large room with a table, kitchen and stairwell. A person is hunched over the fireplace, tending the flames. The couple slowly approach)
Squishy: Uh, excuse me, sir?
(The person stands up and turns around to be revealed as a man with a dirty-looking face, shaggy beard, simple villager clothing and looking somewhat Hispanic. Sylvia is off-put by such an appearance)
Squishy: Uhh… We were wondering if you knew how to reach that castle over in the distance? Or maybe tell us where we are?
Man: (In serious-sounding Spanish) Hey! You got a huge piece of string sticking out of your robes. It's totally hideous!
Squishy: (Not understanding) Okay okay! No need to get testy! Come on Sylvia, let's leave.
(As they start to leave, the man turns around and bends down to pick up an axe, then)
Sylvia: Squishy look out!
Squishy: Wha-!?
(Leaps away from the man's axe swing. The two back against a wall)
Man: (Still in Spanish) Hold still! I'll get that string for you. You'll look fabulous once it's gone!
Sylvia: OH GOD HE'S GOING TO KILL US SQUISHY WHAT DO WE DO!?
(Squishy looks around frantically as the man approaches with the raised axe. Squishy spots a table holding a handgun, a machete, a hand grenade and a bowl of fruit. He grabs a banana from said bowl, eats it and throws the peel. The Spaniard steps on it, slips and breaks his neck from the fall)
Sylvia: Alright Squishy, you did it! (Noticing something) Ew! There's a huge piece of string sticking out of your robes.
Squishy: Oh, really?
(Plucks off string. There is a sound of an approaching motor. They stand tense as we switch to outside, where we see a run-down truck drive up. Some villagers get out of it)
Woman: (Still Spanish) Those strangers unintentionally killed our haberdasher.
Driver: (S.S.) In this country, that means war!
(They bust out farming utensils like axes and pitchforks and approach the house. Inside)
Sylvia: Not good. What do we do now?
Squishy: Well, considering the table of weapons just inexplicably vanished, we best run for it. To the back window!
(They rush off. From outside we see them jump out a window)
Both: AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!
(Pull back to show them lying flat a foot below the window on the ground. They get up and move along the side, pressed against the wall near the front. We see the villagers disappear into the house. The couple then move out. Inside the house)
Woman: Aha! A long piece of string. The infidel of fashion shan't be far. (Forgot: They're still speaking Spanish)
Driver: (Picking up peel) Potassium: Rupert's one weakness.
Guy: (From upstairs) They aren't here!
Driver: That ain't right. Where else could they be?
(An engine can be heard starting up)
Woman: The truck! It can't be!
Guy: Charge!
(They rush out. Outside they get out on the porch and stand around in time to see their track tear down the road)
Driver: Ahhhhhh, son of a b***h! (Throws down peel, which then pops out a pin) Ah for fu-
(There's a huge blast that takes out the group. Turn to our estranged couple tearing down the road in their stolen ride. After a short while the truck slows down and comes to a complete stand still)
Sylvia: Why are you stopping!? GO!
Squishy: I can't! The orange crates and the pedal is gone. This only happens when we enter a new area.
Sylvia: New area? What are you talking about?
Squishy: I figured out where we are. I hate to say this, but we're in a Resident Evil game. There's no free ride in this world.
Sylvia: Wait, you mean we're in Zombieville? Ohhh, d**n it!
Squishy: But there hasn't been a zombie yet: just crazy villagers. So if we just move calmly and cautiously, we should be able to reach that tower with little hassle.
Sylvia: Alright. Then let's hoof it.
(They get out and start walking. After much spooky scrolling and creepy atmosphere, the two reach the edge of a village. Just as they start to enter, moving shadows appear before them)
Squishy: Schmit! More of 'em. Duck in that house!
(They enter a nearby house. From outside, we see them sneak up to a window looking out toward the center of town. From their viewpoint we see a huge gathering of villagers dancing to a merry gig around a huge bonfire)
Sylvia: What are they doing?
Squishy: I'm not quite sure, but it appears to be… some kind of primitive music number.
(We go into a music number where all the villagers start dancing to the "Monster Mash". Throughout the song various undead, rabid dogs and other oddballs pop up during the song. There's even a scene where two bandaged grandmas engage in a break dance match. Back inside the house)
Sylvia: Okay… This is the most f***ed-up world yet.
(A guy walks up behind them)
Guy: (In Span) Excuse me! What the f*** are you doing in my-
(Being startled by his voice, Sylvia spins around and roundhouse kicks his head clean off, causing the body to fall into a heap)
Squishy: Sylvia! What was that for?
Sylvia: He freakin' scared me!
Squishy: But that was a bit overkill. He wasn't even armed.
Sylvia: I don't care! I can't stay relaxed in a creepy village full of dancing dogs and break-dancing grannies! That's just too f***ing weird for me at this point!
Squishy: Keep your voice down! You don't know if any of them can hear us.
Sylvia: (Deep breath) I'm sorry. I'm just so freakin' tired of all this! Our kids getting kidnapped, avoiding death regularly, that clown-a** Kefka and now this. (Heap starts to move) I just want it all to end so we can go back to living out a quiet parenthood. I don't want our children to be in a messed-up place like this. (Heap rises)
Squishy: Now, now, now, it's okay. I'm pretty stressed too. We just have to be careful for now. We can't let anything happen to us until we get out of here. We just need to hold out a little longer.
(The headless body is now standing)
Sylvia: Yeah, you're right. For our kids.
Body: uuuurrrrr…
(The two get startled)
Sylvia: What was that?
Body: mmmmmurrrrrr…
(They turn around to see the headless body. Suddenly it starts twitching and wigging out, until bursting from its neck comes a fleshy, pulsating, tentacle abomination of God. With a slimy organic texture and a single creepy yellow eye, it pulsates while swinging a bony saw tentacle and excreting yellow fluid from different parts of it)
Thing: UuuUrrAAeeeGaHHpurrkHaFlibbaaYaaabAaa!
Both:AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! OMG OMG! !
(They blow out a wall of the house as they sprint off screaming in terror. Turn back to the creature, who bows over slightly)
Thing: Ohhh, me so ronely…
(Turn to center of village, where our screaming couple runs into the middle of the the celebration, only to stop, realizing what they have done. All goes silent and serious as the piercing looks of the villagers stare at them)
Man: (Spanish) Who are these strangers?
Woman: (Spanish) What exactly is that lizard thing?
(Show the thing from earlier run onto the scene with arms stretched out)
Thing: Wait! No leave! Me wuv yous!
(Gets kicked into bonfire by a villager)
Man: (Span) They have seen our true forms.
Woman: (Again) And they have interrupted our uninterruptable celebration.
(Show driver from earlier all blown to s**t, hobbling into the area on a crutch with him all bloody, bruised and deformed)
Driver: (You guessed it) Those b****rds even killed the village tailor!
Man: (You know the drill) So these punks think we're not good enough for well-made clothing? Bah!
Woman: (Sigh) These interlopers must pay for their crimes!
Man2: (Zzzz) Yeah! Punish them!
Kid: (Zzzzzzzz) Punish!
Guy: (…) Punish the infidels of Allah! (Villagers all look at him) Uh, I mean, the interlopers!
(The villagers continue their angry rabble before the confused couple. Then they quiet down and start to murmur as they all look off in one direction)
Woman: El Capitaine...
Man: El Capitaine.
Kid: El Capitaine.
Driver: El Capitaine.
Cow: That one guy.
(We then see a huge trench-coated figure stomping through the crowd in the direction of the couple. We then see the couple slowly looking up at the being creating the huge shadow that now overtook them. The figure then stops, where we are then shown the hideously deformed face of Nemesis from Resident Evil 3)
Syvlia: What… the h**l is that?
Squishy: Something that takes a lot more than a roundhouse kick to kill…
(The mutated behemoth raises his arms as though preparing to speak)
Nemesis: STARS. (Translated) Tonight, our sacred village has been desecrated by the presence of these strangers. (Normal) STARS. (Translated) For years, our community has been one of purity and tradition among our neighbors. (Normal) STARS. (Translated) But to allow outsiders to subvert our way of life is highly unacceptable. So… (Normal and pointing toward couple) STAAAAARS! (Translated) The interlopers must die!
(There are resounding cheers from the villagers)
Kid: (Span) Oh boy! A lynching! It's been so long!
Woman: (Span) I'll get the rope!
Man: (Span) I'll get me axe!
Driver: (Span) I'll just die from exhaustion. (Collapses)
Sylvia: This doesn't sound good.
(Group converges on them)
Squishy: I think it's time to play our chase card.
Sylvia: Our what?
Squishy: Just follow my lead. (Sticks arm out) Look over there: A three-legged goat in heat!
(All the villagers turn around in search of this goat. Then the couple dash off as the mob realizes the ploy)
Woman: (Span) Hey! How dare they make suggestive assumptions!
Nemesis: STAAARS! (Translation) After them!
(Cut to a Benny Hill-style montage where the couple run all about the village while being chased by the villagers to "Yakity Sax". They go through doors, windows, over roofs, switch places, and get more pursuers such as villagers in their underwear and a guy in a gorilla suit, as well as some scantily-clad bimbos. At one point the gorilla guy is alone and then gets mauled by wolves. After an hour of chasing, we see our tired couple running through some woods with a huge crowd following 50 yards behind them)
Sylvia: (Pant, pant) Oh… give up already!
(Soon they reach a small cabin where they rush in and close the door. After some barricading, they slide against the door and slump to the floor, pooped)
Squishy: Dern... (Huff Huff) This is too much…
Sylvia: So now what?
Squishy: Well, after a few more seconds, I'll look out the window to see how screwed we really are.
Sylvia: Okay, whatever…
(After some resting Squishy looks out a window)
Squishy: Ah snap, they're bringing reinforcements.
(Sylvia joins him. Outside is the crowd of villagers and some trucks. Hopping from the trucks are people in black and red robes wielding crossbows, maces, and huge sickles)
Sylvia: Who are these clowns?
Squishy: Zealots. Yeah, this place has its own deadly cult.
(The barricaded door starts banging)
Sylvia: Great, now they want in! What do we do?
(Squishy looks around)
Squishy: Ooh! Here's something! (Goes over to a typewriter) We'll use this typewriter to save our game, so that if we die a horrible death, we should come back here with some lessons learned.
Sylvia: Haven't been able to test that up to now, but do it anyway!
(After some seconds, Squishy bangs his fist on the device)
Squishy: Crap! This is an old generation typewriter!
Sylvia: Meaning?
Squishy: Meaning we need an ink ribbon to save a game, and there isn't one in this place! The whole place is all next-gen except for this hunk of junk!
Sylvia: Now that's just dumb. (The barricade starts falling apart) Eek! They're coming through!
Squishy: And that's our only way out! I've got to think of something quick! (After some tense thinking) I know! Sylvia, move that barricade pile.
Sylvia: Are you crazy!? Why should I do that!
Squishy: Call me crazy, yes, but it's the only shot we got. Now trust me!
(Turn to outside where the angry mob calms a bit when the door is unlatched)
Squishy: RUUUUUNNN!
(Busting through the door is Sylvia with Squishy on her back. While running through the crowd, Squishy clubs back attackers with the typewriter)
Squishy: The good thing about these typewriters, (Whams a guy's face) they're entirely indestructible. YeeHAW!
(Goes about bashing and yipping. At some point he drops the typewriter and they just run for it. Soon they reach a small bunker and again lock themselves inside)
Sylvia: Wow… That was highly unorthodox.
Squishy: Yeah, but I dropped it. Now we're defenseless again.
(They rest for a bit, then Squishy checks the window)
Squishy: Man, it's like freakin' Woodstock out there!
Sylvia: Say what?
(She looks out. Then we get an aerial view of a ginormous gathering of villagers, zealots and other persons. In the middle of all this is a huge stage that's playing soppy hippie rock music. On the stage is a man in worn out 60's clothes with a mike jigging about. Then when yelling at a high point of the music his head explodes, revealing a hideous centipede parasite wearing shades and bling, which results in the crowd going wild. Back in the bunker)
Sylvia: Okay, now I'm officially FREAKED OUT! How the h**l are we going to get outta here?
Squishy: Well, let's look at what we got. Hmm… Other than the window and door, this room is wholly bare. No guns, no axes, no typewriters, not even a wooden plank.
Sylvia: Meaning we're screwed.
Squishy: Naw. I still have one item that could help us. I snagged it from Mario World; thought it could come in handy. (Pulls out Power Star)
Sylvia: You've had THAT all this time!?
Squishy: Yeah, but I only had one, so I as waiting for a dire situation like this. Plus, it'd have made a nifty souvenir.
Sylvia: Well it won't make much of a souvenir if we're dead, so use it already!
Squishy: Okay, okay, but we have to be reasonable about it.
Sylvia: Reasonable? It's a freakin' invincibility power-up! Why must we be reasonable!?
Squishy: To explain it bluntly, I can't use it.
Sylvia: Why?
Squishy: Because though I'll be impervious, I won't leave much room for you to follow while I bulldoze ahead.
Sylvia: ...Meaning the back again?
Squishy: Meaning the back again. Now let's blow!
(Some seconds later we see villagers fly as a glowing, sparkling Sylvia plows through the crowd with Squishy riding and the star music playing. After a while)
Squishy: You're running out of Star Power! Quick, do the Fandango!
(She stops and then poses as Spanish horns start blaring. She then starts grooving and pushing through the ranks)
Sylvia: Hey, it's actually working!
Squishy: Yeah, now slide on over to that bunker!
(They yet again barricade themselves into a more militaristic housing. This time, there's even more angry persons waiting outside. Inside)
Sylvia: So what now?
Squishy: (Takes a quick peek out the door's peep hole) Geez woo-eeze! It's like the million-man march of the undead out there!
Sylvia: So based on that reaction of yours, I can assume that we're seriously boned.
Squishy: Yeah, looks like it. At least the door is pretty sturdy, and this thick concrete should keep them back until the commando zombies arrive.
Sylvia: Commando zombies!?
Squishy: Yeah, it's a pretty bad, screwy place to be, alright.
Sylvia: Just terrific! We're stuck here in this stupid bunker, surrounded by the municipal county of Deadville, stuck with all this dust and dirt and cobwebs and grenades and flares and guns and- (Stops)
Squishy: What, did you just say?
(They turn and look at the back, and lo and behold, there's a massive smorgasbord of armaments and gun racks and explosives. Guns, rockets and bombs all gleam with a fresh polish as holy music plays. After some more staring and drooling)
Squishy: Dios mio… There is a God in this God-forsaken land!
Sylvia: Less talking more stocking!
(Dives into the gun pile. Outside, the ganados continue standing restlessly. The mayor Nemesis is seen waving his ginormous arm, signaling some commandos to bring in a huge ram. As they start pounding the door we see clips of the couple loading up on all weapons with tons of clicks and holstering. Outside, after banging again, the door pushes out slowly with a metallic creak. After some deliberation, the grotesque mayor sends in a man with a burlap sack on his head wielding a chainsaw. The man revs it up and rushes in, yelling and waving it around. Then there's a huge fire burst as the guy goes flying out and lands 10 yards out in the crowd, dead. As the door closes on its own, it bursts open again, and in a flash the couple flies over the crowd and lands in the middle of the congregation, crouching and drawing their guns. Each one is ridiculously loaded down with all sorts of guns, knives, bombs and ammo belts. Sylvia is wearing green camo pants, a white halter top, a red bandana and wearing black camo paint under her eyes. Squishy has donned a red trenchcoat and is wearing a white wig. They stand off as music plays, the ganados surrounding them)
Squishy: So, you ready for this?
Sylvia: I was born ready.
Squishy: There is a chance one of us could die.
Sylvia: That'd make this showdown a little more thrilling.
Squishy: Now now, we've got kids to rescue, so did yourself too lost in the excitement.
Sylvia: You're right. Well, see you back in the middle.
Squishy: Sure. Love you, sweetie.
Sylvia: Love you too.
(They leap into the fray and unleash a crate of supreme whoop-a**! To wild rock, Squishy goes all Devil May Cry with twin pistols as he pops all sorts of undead left, right and up while doing all sorts of sick-nasty tricks. Sylvia unloads a shotgun on a bunch of undead before using it as a club along, with a regular pistol. Squishy takes a machete and runs around chopping off legs before leaping back, twirling and firing down upon the fallen enemies. Sylvia does some flips through the crowd, kicking and stabbing people before going back to guns. Some more killing later Squishy goes slo-mo and does a John Wu, flying sideways through the air and unloading two TMPs into the masses. Back to Sylvia, who continues shooting with a handgun until she runs empty)
Sylvia: Aw snap.
(A villager runs at her. Then she throws out her arm, simultaneously releasing the ammo slot so that the magazine flies out and hits the villager in the head and bounces back. Then she throws out a fresh clip which bounces off the old clip, sending it back into the guy's head. The fresh clip locks hard into the gun and Sylvia shoots so that the returning clip gets hit, causing it to shoot forward and bust a hole through the guy's head in a bloody mess)
Sylvia: Peachy.
(Continues shooting. Then someone in a knight suit stomps in, brandishing a long sword and going for Squishy, swinging it like crazy)
Squishy: (After dodging a swipe) Whoa!
(He continues to leap back from the advancing blade. Then after a high swing, Squishy balances atop the broad side of the blade and kicks off the knight's head. Afterwards a hideous caterpillar parasite bursts from the empty hole, screeching and spewing bile)
Squishy: Holy s**t!
(The blade is dropped and the suit lumbers after the Jawa with raised arms. After missing a grab, Squishy rolls between its legs, picks up the sword and back slashes to slice off the parasite, resulting in the suit falling apart. Then the little man goes about pulling off tricks and slicing up all kinds of assaulters. Then he stops for a bit)
Squishy: Yo Sylvy! Catch!
(He throws it to Sylvia, who catches it and spins to cut a bloody circle around her. Then she goes on slashing for a bit before impaling a cultist through the chest. But Sylvia can't shake him loose, and the enemies draw near. She then goes to kicking and smacking everyone with the hindered blade. Next she starts spinning with it, and while doing so she draws a grenade, pulls the pin, sticks it into the impaled guy's mouth, and then throws the sword into a crowd, soon followed by a blast that clears that small patch)
Squishy: Yeah! You go, girl!
Sylvia: Squishy look out!
(Crazy villagers come running after Squishy. He fumbles for a big handgun and quickly fires. There's a boom and the recoil throws Squishy back a few yards. Quickly recovering, he finds that three villagers in a line have had their upper torsos blown off. A little stunned, Squishy looks down at the gun to see the engraving "Handcannon" on the stock)
Squishy: Oh f**k yeah!
(Gleefully goes about shooting, getting tossed by the recoil each time. Turn to Sylvi,a who's unloading a Chicago Typewriter unto the masses. At one point she shoots down some guys on a ladder in sequence. After running empty she pulls out a bow and fires 5 arrows at a time. When those run out, she throws a flash grenade that blows and blinds several villagers, whom she proceeds to snap their necks one by one. There's even more mass mayhem, slashing, killing and exploding for a bit, until the couple jump back into the middle of a greatly thinned-out crowd)
Sylvia: So… Is this when it gets easier?
(Turn to a hulking fat man in army clothes and swinging around a HUGE Gatling gun)
Squishy: Not yet.
(The fat guy readies his gat as the two disperse. Then the guy fires off a vicious volley in a sweeping motion after Squishy. The Jawa leaps onto and over the heads of some of the people, who later fall to the hail of bullets. Sylvia tries popping a few handgun rounds but runs from the return fire. The two find cover behind a large tree)
Sylvia: Man! This guy's got some constitution. We might have to get some real fire power on him.
Squishy: Right! We only got one shot so let's do it. One two three BREAK!
(They rush from cover. They jump and duck and spin in different directions from the mad gatler. Eventually Sylvia throws a knife into the guy's eye so he's left stumbling. Then Squishy leaps as Sylvy pulls out a rocket launcher)
Sylvia: Make it count!
(She tosses it and Squishy catches it as he back kick flips off some villager. In slo-mo he aims upside-down and fires at the gatler, creating a huge explosion that obliterates everything within a 4 foot radius. The two reunite amidst the field of dying, bleeding, crawling, stumbling and dead ganados)
Sylvia: Is this it? Is it finally over
(Then chainsaw-wielding grannies, garradors, evil wolfs and crows appear. Then many of the bodies arise, bursting with Plagas from their necks as they stumble towards the middle, along with the reinforcements)
Squishy: (Looking at Sylvy) You just had to say that, didn't you?
Sylvia: Well, que sera, sera. Catch you later.
(Leaps off. Squishy sighs loudly and also leaps off. Then we're treated to a long montage of them battling more and more of the evil horde, employing such crazy methods as dual chainsaws, wolverine reversals and parasite squashing. The fighting gets more and more intense with more and more shooting. At long last there is death and silence, with the exception of the tired, panting couple. After some waiting, they straighten up)
Sylvia: Now is it over?
(All the corpses melt into yellow, puss-like goo)
Squishy: Now it is.
?: STAAAARS!
(Lumbering into sight is the ever-hideous Nemesis)
Squishy: Oh what the f**k!?
Sylvia: When does this ever end!
(Nemesis poses and beckons them)
Squishy: Come on, honey, we can do this. We just gotta believe.
(A beanie hat pops onto his head. Then the two separate and rush the beast. They try kicking and shooting, but he dodges and returns with massive swings. This exchange continues until the couple get smacked back and land before the bunker. As they get up, they witness Nemesis pulling out a large rocket launcher, which he aims at them)
Squishy: Oh s**t.
(He fires and the two jump away. The rocket hits the bunker and there's a ginormous fireball as all remaining ammo in the bunker goes off at once. Debris and burning bits fly everywhere. After a time, we see Squishy lying on the ground and slowly elbowing himself up, coughing. He spots Sylvia some yards away, lying still)
Squishy: Sylvia! SYLVIA!
(Then we hear stomping as Squishy sees Nemesis coming at him)
Nemesis: STARS…. (Translation) Now you die...
(Squishy crawls backwards desperately, then spots the Handcannon lying nearby. He continues crawling back and reaching for the gun as the behemoth stomps closer. He finally grabs the gun and cocks it as Nemesis reaches out for him. Then Squishy draws the gun on him)
Squishy: Buenas noches... El Banjo. (Good night... The Bathroom)
(He fires. There's a boom as we see Nemesis' head separate and fly through the air in slo-mo. The head lands some distance away, followed by the hulk man collapsing. Squishy drops the gun and lowers his head in immense relief. After listening to the burning embers a bit, he gets up and runs over to Sylvia)
Squishy: Sylvia! Wake up, please!
(After some shaking, she shifts and slowly gets up)
Sylvia: Ughhhh, my head… What happened?
Squishy: Sylvia! Oh thank god you're alright! (Hugs her) I thought you were dead!
Sylvia: Sorry to have worried. What happened to the bondage freak?
Squishy: He's dead. Things are finally quiet here.
Sylvia: Thank goodness. I was getting tired of all that over-the-top action.
Squishy: Yeah. Let's just locate the kids and get outta-
?: Uuugghhhherrraaaa…
(They turn to see the Nemesis corpse shifting about. Then the arms start pushing it up off the ground)
Sylvia: You have got to be kidding me.
(They both get up quickly. The headless body stands straight up slowly and just stands with its back to them. Then it turns to reveal a regular man's head with bushy gray hair, a gray mustache and glasses, practically engulfed by the immense coat)
Sylvia: What the-?
Squishy: Geraldo Riveria? What the f**k are you doing here?
Geraldo: Ohhh, I got tired of people criticizing me in the US, so I came here to find some respect. While wandering around these woods I found this suit, and when I wore it for warmth against the cold, some villagers found me. They took me for a god and did whatever I told them. I managed to make a very well-organized community despite them being controlled by parasites. I had at long last found a place where everyone loves me and respects me and worships me, which is all I ever really wanted. Then you guys showed up and killed everyone. And to top it all off, you ruined my costume. It's just not fair! (Starts to cry and whine) You guys are so mean and everyone picks on me! No one listens to me and they should. At least in Iraq my meatshields listened to me, and were always being replaced with new guys! This place is one big meany! Call Fox network and get my fanning boy: I'm going back to the desert! You're all such big mean JERKS!
(Runs off stomping and crying like a little girl. Back to our confused couple)
Squishy: Well… That was odd.
Sylvia: Poor guy. All he ever wanted was love and respect, though he was being a f**king wuss about it.
Squishy: Yeah, I guess. Now where were we? Ah yes… (Falls to ground exhausted)
Sylvia: Good idea, dear.
(She follows suit. After some rest and medicinal sprays later, the two get back up)
Sylvia: So where are we exactly?
(Squishy pulls out the binoculars and sees the tower from earlier some distance away)
Squishy: Huh, seems we're a bit closer now.
Sylvia: Uh, not by much. Check this out.
(Squishy joins her to find a wooden sign with two names and opposite arrows. One points toward "Cult Village" and the other leads to "Salazar's Castle 4 mi")
Squishy: Great, Salazar's place. I just knew it.
Sylvia: And I don't feel like walking anymore. Any ideas?
Squishy: No, but I do have a comment: What's that over there?
(Turn to a gnarled tree where two black-robed cultists are tied up hanging from some branches. There's a note that Sylvia pulls down)
Sylvia: "These two have hereby been sentenced to public humiliation for their unending insults about my size and their allegations against my sanity. I ain't crazy, mortals! May this be a reminder to all my loyal followers to never defy my will, no matter how little it is! Ramón Salazar: Messiah. P.S. I shall have sex with you yet, Ms. Wong! You've got to run out of mace at some point my dear!" Who is this wacko?
Squishy: Harmless, really, but listen to this: I know a neat way to use these guys for our journey.
Sylvia: Yeah? What is it?
Squishy: Just help me and I'll show you, heh heh heh.
(Some time later we're presented with a dirt slope lined with trees. Then speeding down through the mud is the couple standing atop the two cultists like snowboards. Set to Kill Bill's "Green Hornet" we turn to a small checkpoint crawling with villagers. Soon the two come into view, and as they close in, Squishy raises two handguns)
Squishy: Alright. Spin me, baby!
(Sylvia gives Squishy a good twist, sending him into a whirlwind. As they go through the area, Squishy wildly fires in all directions, taking out many dudes. Soon they zoom out of the checkpoint with a drove of commandos after them. The two look back and pop a few rounds as they speed and bounce over many obstacles. Soon they reach a dirt ramp and leap off it in slo-mo. As they fly through the air, a huge alligator and Del Lago leap from the lake below and eat their rides. They leap off just in time and fly over the woods before descending into a clearing full of Los Gigantes. Upon landing, they dodge and weave amidst the ogres, while smacking their heads a bit. Then they mount one large one and gouge its eyes out. The beast then goes on a crazed rampage, smashing everything around it including its fellow freaks. Eventually the couple manage to rein some control over it and direct it towards the nearby tower. Some time later we see a blockade of various ganados. But there is a rumbling and then they see the wailing behemoth rushing toward them. They flee as the monster clears the barricade and bashes even more things in its wake. It continues to bust through encampments and lookout towers as the couple ride atop it. At some point, we finally see the base of the immense tower with the flattened surrounding forest signaling the giant's rampage. The creature enters the clearing before the tower and runs further towards it)
Squishy: We're almost there! Ready the explosives!
Sylvia: Right!
(They pull out boxes of TNT taken from the fallen lookout towers. Now show a warning sign that's squashed by the Gigante. Seconds later, the beast steps on a land mine, obliterating its leg. As it falls forward, the two toss the explosives at the ground. Once the freak hits the ground, there's an immense explosion that fills up the entire clearing. High above, we see the two shooting upwards due to using the monster's body as a springboard. After some ascending, they draw grappling guns and fire up at the tower apex. The hooks latch onto the top, and the two swing and hit the side. They then start walking up the tower side, pulling at the ropes. After some time, the tower starts to shake)
Sylvia: What's that?
(Then bursting from the tower comes two very large, long, organic tentacles with eyes and emitting an ear-piercing screech as it flails around. The couple disperse and swing about the wall as the tentacles swipe everywhere. After some dodging and ducking, a tentacle snares and traps Sylvia's cord. Squishy catches her in time while simultaneously pulling out some red grenades. He swings from one end to the next, throwing grenades in the holes the tentacles came from. There are bursts of flame coming from the holes, causing the tentacles to writhe and screech. One pulls back in, but the other goes limp and then falls out with a burnt stump at the other end. The two continue the ascent. At last they crawl onto the flat tower top and lay a bit before getting back up)
Squishy: At last, we're here.
(They look out across the summit to see their bouncing eggs atop some steps)
Both: The kids! (They rush over)
?: I wouldn't do that if I were you. (They stop) You could knock them over in your excitement.
(A tall figure walks between the couple and the eggs. It is a tall man in a black leather jacket and black clothes, wearing sunglasses, with slick blonde hair that gleams before the large full moon hanging above them. He turns to them and stops)
Sylvia: Who are you?
Squishy: Albert Wesker: head researcher of the Umbrella Corporation.
Wesker: Former head researcher. I'm more... freelance, in my current studies. But I'm surprised you knew even that much about me. I'm flattered, though I'm at a loss as to who you are, exactly.
Squishy: (Readying self) What're you doing here? This is RE4: you're not supposed to appear in this scenario!
Wesker: Normally that would be true, but I made an exception when I heard about these extraordinary eggs.
Sylvia: What about the eggs?
Wesker: Well, it's something of a long story. When these eggs appeared, that lickspittle Salazar first discovered them. When he attempted to utilize them for his own personal gain, his boss Saddler came by and had him eliminated. After a while, I dropped in and killed him while he was performing one of his superfluous rituals. As I was tearing him limb by grotesque limb with my bare hands, he was kind enough to inform me of the powerful nature of these eggs, and how he was going to inject them with Plaga cells to unleash their full potential, while also making them his pawns in the process.
Squishy: And did he do it?
Wesker: I don't know. I stomped his head in before he could tell me. But I do know this: those eggs are indeed powerful. I sensed their inner strength.
Sylvia: Sensed it? Since when do skinny punks like you sense power, huh? In a low-budget 70's kung-fu movie?
(In a flash, Wesker palm shoves forward at insane speed and blows away a stone turret a good distance from the tower, mere inches close to Sylvy. He recomposes himself)
Wesker: For your information, she-thing, people can sense power when they themselves exert great power, such as myself.
Squishy: So what's your point?
Wesker: My point, insipid one, is that I'm going to take these eggs with me. Even unhatched, they show great potential in becoming mighty warriors. Warriors whose genes we can replicate and use to create a weapon far more powerful and effective than the G-virus has ever done. And thus, I will have free reign in cleansing this world, free of any true opposition. Plus, the addition of Las Plagas wouldn't be such a bad idea, either. I injected myself with a few eggs, and already I feel stronger and more flexible than ever before. This could make a fine addition to our research, as well as our arsenal.
Sylvia: I did not want to know about you being more flexible.
Squishy: I'd say that would be a bad idea. I mean, you can't really understand the controlling effect of Plagas just by looking at it.
Wesker: No, but I'm about to experience it. And since I was stronger than Saddler without them, I should be able to control and manipulate it through sheer force of will. And I'll make sure to give these little treasures the same treatment.
Sylvia: Like h*** you will; those eggs stay with us!
Wesker: Really? Was that a threat?
Squishy: No. It was a promise! (They stance)
Wesker: Heh, ever so cliché. Much like my persistently foolhardy foe Chris. Alright, I accept your challenge. Just let me stretch a bit.
(He goes about cracking his knuckles and working his neck. Then he starts dislocating and relocating limbs, and bending at extreme angles which unsettle the couple. Then he straightens up)
Wesker: Now then, (Puts up dukes) bring it!
(They stand off for a bit, then Wesker rushes them. He makes powerful swings and kicks while zipping across the place. The two barely manage to fend off his attacks. At one point, Squishy leaps high in the air, and Wesker kicks a stone turret right at him. He deflects it back, but Wesker leaps, jumps off the flying turret and unleashes midair attacks that Squishy blocks repeatedly. Then Sylvia appears, grabs Wesker's arm and tries to throw him, but ends up being reversed and she gets thrown at the tower top. She lands hard, but leaps away just as Wesker smashes her resting with a devastating meteoric punch. Then Sylvia starts attacking, but Wesker backs away and dodges all hits with one arm. Squishy appears and crouches behind Wesker so that he steps back into him and loses balance. Then Sylvy follows up with a roundhouse kick that hits the right side of Wesker's head and part of his sunglasses in glorious slo-mo. Then he's flying and spinning back before crashing and skidding on the hard stone. He gets back up panting, a little blood coming from his right cheek. The right part of his sunglasses have a cracked hole in the upper corner. He stands straight)
Wesker: Exactly what is it about these eggs that you would fight and expend your lives for? Is it the power?
Sylvia: No! It's not power. It's because-
Squishy: They're our kids!
Sylvia: Yes! It's hard to believe, but we are husband and wife. A couple who has looked past our physical differences and found love in each other.
Squishy: Those eggs are further proof of the love and devotion we share. For too long we have fought just to get them back, only to lose them again. The road was long and hard, but we'll keep running it until we get them back!
Sylvia: Because we want to raise them in a good world full of wonder and understanding, a world in which they can grow and live without fear of being despised or manipulated by others.
Squishy: And there's no way we're going to let you turn them into guinea pigs for your sick experiments!
(After some silence)
Wesker: Kids? Your, children?
(After a bit he starts to chuckle, and then outright laugh for a good while, tears forming in his eyes. Then)
Wesker: Woooh! Sorry, sorry, please excuse me, but... you, sir, are one desperate horn dog. And you, "miss", are an even more desperate c**t. It's just, man, it's hard to believe a midget and a lizard getting jiggy with it to make "these" (Points to eggs). Then you spout the most saccharine drivel imaginable about raising them with love and tolerance. Hoo boy, I mean, just imagine how retarded they will be, physically and mentally. Honestly, who could ever accept something as abominable as those?
Sylvia: You shut the f**k up right now!
Wesker: No, no, I prefer to continue talking. Heh heh heh…. (Breathes in) Now that I have a better understanding of their heritage, I might not want your precious little children after all. Sure, they're innately powerful, but with such a malignant genetic make-up, they may be too unstable to put to use. I bet it'll cost more to keep them alive then to weaponize and sell them. Though I sincerely doubt anybody would be desperate enough to want some handicapped, crossbred freaks.
Squishy: You got one big mouth loaded with all sorts of irritating s**t, don't ya? Now get out of our way and give us the eggs since you don't want them.
Wesker: Oh, but I'm afraid I can't do that.
Sylvia: And why not, pencil d**k?
Wesker: Because I can't allow such abominations to roam this or any other planet. As the one to bring balance to this filthy world, I cannot let their existences besmirch my pure design. Which is why I shall have them exterminated personally.
Squishy: You'll have to go through us first!
Wesker: Really? Well, that's convenient. (Takes off glasses slowly) Because then I can reunite your whole precious family in death. (After glasses are gone, he quickly opens his eyes to reveal a heavy red glow) Now wouldn't that be nice?
(He groans and clutches his chest as he bends over. An internal growling is heard as he starts to spasm all over. Then his back bursts into a messy array of spikes spewing yellow pus from every crevice. He pulls back and yells as the transformation continues. His head stretches out as his ground shadow contorts and twists. His right arm bursts in a long tentacle, and his left breaks apart to form a grotesque, three-clawed hand. Clothes shred and more unholy sounds are made as the shadow grows to cover our bewildered couple. An eyeball pops open in the thing's chest as we pull back to see the creation as some kind of grotesque, slimy and deformed monstrosity, like a nightmarish version of Aquilla from Godzilla. It lets off a mighty reptilian roar that shakes the very foundation of the tower)
Sylvia: (Stunned and bug-eyed) Sooooooooooo… What do we do now?
Squishy: (Also stunned) Uhhhhhh….. Fight?
Sylvia: If it has to be done.
(They leap away as the beast slams the tentacle between them and gives off another roar. The two run circles around the monster as it lashes out with the tentacle and swipes with the claw. The two draw guns and try shooting the eyeball in the chest, but they can't get in a good hit. At one point, the beast leaps very high in the air and comes crashing down in hopes of squashing the couple, but they swiftly dodge the slow-coming ground pound. This exchange continues until the beast stands before Sylvia. It swipes its tentacle, knocking away her gun, then backlashes her so that she's thrown hard against a stone turret. Then Squishy runs over yelling, but gets picked up by the claw. While being crushed, he draws a knife and stabs the arm, resulting in him also being thrown hard against the turret next to Sylvia. The beast gives off a triumphant roar, then stomps toward the fallen couple. We turn to the eggs, which have now started wobbling and bouncing and squeaking as if forming a strategy. Back to the monster, an egg hits it hard on the side of its head, and bounces away and back onto the ground. It shakes about as if taunting while the creature regains itself and raises its tentacle. The lone egg leaps away and rolls to a turret after the appendage crashes down. Upon stopping, the egg hops into the middle and stands off with the creature. Rock music plays as the two strafe each other, with lightning flashes filling the air. One flash shows a silhouette of what may become of the egg. The two leap at each other and break out the absurd kung-fu. Meanwhile, the other two eggs go to their parents and nudge them awake. They get up, startled)
Squishy: Huh? Kids? What about Franken-Wesker?
Sylvia: Look!
(They see the one egg still fighting the abomination, all Gung-Ho and flashy-like. Back to the stunned parents)
Squishy: I don't believe it. I mean, Bowser and Lavos were something, but god**n that egg can fly.
(Back to the fight, the combatants break away and stand off. The egg is all wobbly as though tired)
Sylvia: What're gonna do? Our little baby can't last forever!
Squishy: Don't worry! In any Resident Evil, a resolution for an intense final boss always presents itself at the last possible moment. We just have to wait.
(There is the sound of a helicopter that the two look around for it. Then a rocket launcher lands on the ground near them)
Brad: Guys! Use the rockets! Use it on that thing! I'm leaving cause I'm still chicken s**t! BYEEEEEE!
(The helicopter goes away)
Squishy: (To Sylvia) See? Told ya.
(He runs for and grabs the rocket as Sylvia yells at the egg)
Sylvia: Get out of the way!
(The egg leaps back to them as Squishy steadies himself and fires. The scene of the rocket speeding for the beast repeats three times, and then a thud and steady roar is heard. We see that the monster has grabbed the still-burning rocket mere inches from its chest, then it holds it to its side and gives a deep chuckle. Suddenly, Sylvia is seen shouting "Keeee-yaaa!" and delivers a devastating kick in the nuts which is put on repeat three times. The monster simultaneously gives a scrunched-up, pained look and crushes the rocket with its claw. A huge fireball erupts, big enough to be seen for miles. Once the dust settles, we see everyone is safe and back together. Except for Wesker, obviously)
Squishy: It's over. It's finally over.
Sylvia: Yeah. It's been quite a rush.
Squishy: An exhausting rush at that. But now we have the kids back, safe and sound. Let's just rest a bit.
(Plops to the ground as Sylvia follows suit, cradling the eggs. After some quiet, tender relaxation)
?: Wait wait a second! Hold it right there!
(The couple spring back up as, from above, The Contractor descends and hovers over them)
Cont.: Seems you two are more bothersome when your parental instincts kick in.
Squishy: What're you talking about?
Cont.: Peh! Isn't it obvious that all this has been my brilliant scheme to get rid of you two?
(The two give him a blank look)
Squishy: We figured that practically at the start.
Sylvia: So painfully transparent.
Cont: Oh, uhhh, right. But even so I'm still gonna lay out my brilliant scheming process so you just grin and bear it! So anyway, my brilliant scheme in ridding you two: Starts out with a little egg-napping courtesy of Bowser and my wormhole. While you were scampering through the Mushroom Kingdom, I went over to FFVI to tell Kefka about the eggs because I knew Bowser wouldn't be able to handle you guys. I then sat back waiting for that clown-a** to take you out, but apparently he got stupid and fused with Lavos. So I had that little vortex appear and set to this place. Then I went to "inform" Wesker of this fabulous prize waiting atop this tower. However, you guys were d**n persistent enough to just about obliterate this whole area. Tis a dern shame for all those Plagas to fall before such a freaked-up couple. (Shakes head)
Sylvia: What is your deal, anyway? Revenge over us making a fool out of you? You totally deserved it for the way you tried manipulating me into killing Squishy, or having him kill me. I mean, honestly, this is beyond spiteful. It's just plain sad.
Cont.: NO IT'S NOT! You humiliated me at one of my great loves: guitar dueling! It's a wound that shall always fester and never heal! NEVER! And I wanted to set an example for all those who would ever consider defying their maker! Yet, those freak kids of yours make it possible for you to keep defying my will, meaning they'll be an even bigger thorn in my side when they grow up! And only now do I realize that if you want the job done, you have to do it yourself. Which is why…
(Twirls and poofs and lands before them dressed like an Eminem knock-off and carrying a boom box)
Cont: I'm gonna rap yall to death with my illin' white bread rhymes, yo. Check it!
(He readies to push a button)
?: Not so fast, Contractor-san!
Cont: Huh?
(They look up to see 4 Japanese executives descend in a sparkling light)
?: We'd like to have a word with you.
(The Contractor gasps real loudly and falls to his knees gawking at the men)
Cont: S-Shigeru Miyamoto….? Hironobu S-s-Sakaguchi….? Keiji Inafune….? (Gasps again) Keiichi Yano!
Sylvia: Who's that?
Cont: Ignorant cretins! How can you not recognize…. The Man who created Gitaroo Man.
(A bright halo glows around the fourth man's head as an immaculate chorus plays out)
Cont: You're… you're all really here….
(Squeals like a girl and starts bowing like mad)
Cont: I'm not worthy! I'm not worthy! You honor me with your presences! Have mercy on this lowly artist that sullies your godly eyes!
Miyamoto: Please rise, Contractor. Your greetings are wholly accepted.
Cont: Thank you, thank you my liege! (Quickly stands up in a flutter) So my masters, what brings you to this grim place?
Inafune: Enough! We are not your masters, so stop groveling and show some dignity towards us. You shall address us as Mister or sir.
Cont: I'm sorry, sir. It's just that, your talents are far-reaching in the gaming world due to their massive influence.
Sakaguchi: Yes, yes, we understand your admiration toward our works, and we appreciated how you used our games in your universe as a sign of respect and compliment towards us. However, we don't appreciate how you use our works for vile means.
(They close in on him)
Cont.: W-what do you mean?
Yano: You brought great shame to us with your methods in using our creations.
Miyamoto: You almost ruined a world of innocence and joy with your fiendish desires.
Sakaguchi: You nearly destroyed a classic for your pursuits.
Inafune: You made a real mess out of this place.
Yano: You used my music in the proliferation of evil.
Sakaguchi: And you did it all to destroy one small, innocent family that never deserved to be bothered in the first place.
Cont: But, but how can you say that? I mean, I left Inafune's and Yano-san's games alone.
Inafune: True, but I came here on behalf of the creator of Resident Evil, since you don't really know him.
Yano: And the fact still remains that you made quite a mess in the gaming world.
Cont: Me!? I didn't do anything! It was those two who did all the breaking and the messing and the killing and the destroying and all the copyright infringement! (Points accusingly at couple) Cast your judgment on them!
Miyamoto: That may be true, but we tend to favor the underdogs in these kinds of situations.
Sakaguchi: And they only did it because you drove them here, by stealing away their children no less. A most shameful display.
Yano: You are a very bad man, Mr. Contractor. One who hates family and has no regard to the stability of the gaming world.
Cont: B-b-but I-I-I would never-
Miyamoto: Which is why, for your punishment, you shall bear the wrath that only a worn-out game franchise can deliver. Keiji! Do it!
Inafune: (Sticking out arms) Tornado TONION!
(From the air drops a large, round, orange robot with remote arms and feet that lands with a great thud that shakes the whole tower)
Cont: AAAAAAHHH! Eastern-European robo onion!
Tonion: (In a boisterous accent) Hey there, little man. Shake your thing for me so I can see what you got.
(Goes after Contractor. Contractor screams and runs away, jumping off the tower. After the long fall he hits the ground face down, but gets up and runs off as Tonion crashes down and bounces after him. They dash away into the moon set and disappear. Back on top of the tower, the game makers float close to the couple, who ready themselves)
Yano: Please lower your guards, fair Squishy and even-fairer Sylvia. We're not here to punish you.
Miyamoto: Yes. We wish to commend you for all you have done. You dived headlong into unknown worlds with not hesitation, but determination.
Sakaguchi: You faced numerous obstacles and overcame them tirelessly.
Inafune: You met with unholy terrors and incredible odds, but you took them on and came out victorious each and ever time.
Yano: You conveyed my message of "music soothing the savage beast", and you used it in the pursuit of love. Though, you really didn't do any of that for this particular venture...
Miyamoto: That aside, all of your acts were done so that you can be reunited with the children you love so dearly, and who have been through so much. For these things, you have our deepest praise.
(They bow in unison)
Squishy: Gee, I don't think it was that big a deal.
Sylvia: Oh, come on. I think accepting the praise of gaming gods is alright for now.
Inafune: Indeed. You have deserved this honor, as well as your much-needed rest.
(The three eggs bounce into view)
Sakaguchi: Ah, and these must be your children. Still unhatched, I see.
Yano: Yet they did an excellent job helping out their parents in tough battles. Fine children, indeed.
Miyamoto: But such things can be strenuous for an egg. Mind if we look them over, fair parents?
Squishy: Uhhhh…. You alright with that, dear?
Sylvia: Sure, go ahead. You seem nice enough.
Miyamoto: Thank you. It won't take but a minute.
(They collect the eggs and pass them around, examining them. They turn them over while murmuring, nodding and discussing. They return the eggs)
Sylvia: So, they're okay?
Inafune: Alas, they are not. They have been injected with Plaga serum.
Both: Say what!?
Inafune: Tis true, and they've had it long enough so that medication can't kill it. Upon hatching, they will burst forth with mangled appendages, exposed organs and all sorts of assorted pus-related things that no blessed God would consider making.
(Sylvia is shocked and turns white)
Yano: But that's not to say they were any better off without it. Oh, no-siree-Bob.
Miyamoto: Yes, the ways of heredity in your realm mainly work within its own species. Thus, the crossing of such mixed genes will result in a tangled mess of great deformity, decreased life span, and vast retardation.
Sakaguchi: It'll exact so great a toll on their being that you'll spend more time keeping them from choking on their own feet than raising them as normal children. It's sad, really. Such grand potential ruined by the irrevocable consequences of reckless cross-breeding.
(Squishy faints, and Sylvia quickly tends to him despite her ashen complexion)
Miyamoto: But we are generous, sweet couple.
Yano: Quite. Which is why we're willing to cure your kin of all these ailments.
(Squishy sits right up)
Squishy: Really!?
Sylvia: Truly!?
Sakaguchi: That, and then some. You two have been through so much and faced many hardships to get these children back safely.
Inafune: Plus, it wouldn't do our hearts any good to have told you such terrible news without doing something about it.
Miyamoto: So consider this as both a reward, and an apology, towards all you have accomplished in your trials. Squishy. Sylvia. Please accept this gift from the Game Magi.
(The 4 stick out their arms and cause the eggs to rise into the air. The eggs then float in place and are soon filled and surrounded by sparkling, cleansing light. After a while, there is a great flash, and everything goes quiet. The eggs float down into the arms of the parents)
Miyamoto: Your children are now clean of all Plaga strains and genetic handicaps. They shall live on as normal living beings. See that you raise them to be as wonderful, strong, and courageous as yourselves.
Yano: And we altered them a bit so that they will combine your physical attributes in a neat mixture. I'm sure you'll be pleased by the results.
Squishy: Well, thanks a lot.
Inafune: Sure thing. Oh! And we still have one thing left to give you.
Miyamoto: That's right! A final parting gift.
(With a wave of his hand, a starlit path appears leading into the sky)
Miyamoto: This pathway will take you back to your home universe. A much nicer and less abrupt approach than any wormhole.
Squishy: That's just awesome! We can go home! (Turns to the 4) We greatly thank you for what you have done for us, and a big domo arigato at that.
(The couple bow)
Miyamoto: Of course, of course. But it is time for you to go. Return to the realm from whence you came.
Sakaguchi: Go on to raise your family with our blessing.
Inafune: Good luck, and if that Contractor gives you crap, slap him for me.
Yano: Rock on and stay true to yourselves always, you two.
Squishy: Thanks, and we will! (To Sylvia) So… Up for another ride?
Sylvia: Sure, why the heck not?
(Squishy gets on her back, and they ride off with the eggs bouncing in line behind them. Then we're treated to a Super Mario World-style ending, where the couple and their kin move in place to sliding backgrounds of all the places they've been to as the credits play to the credit music of SMW. This goes on until things go black and the music stops. Then we turn to Jawa Home, where the Jedi and Steezy are lounging around. The Jedi are wearing bandages on parts of their body from their trip through the mine field)
Jo: Ahhh freak, my elbow still frickin' hurts. So, anyone else still sore?
Will: Yup.
Sara: Definitely.
Cope: Like you wouldn't believe.
Jo: Good. For a second there I thought I was the only one suffering.
Anna: To keep our minds off our respective levels of agony, I'll just remind us that it's been a day since Squishy and Sylvia gave us the slip. So Steezy, got any communications from them that you're holding out on us?
Steezy: Nope. Heard nothing since they left the hanger. Totally sucks, you know, getting left behind like that despite being family.
Sara: I hope they're alright, wherever they are.
Cope: I'll say this: when they get back, I'm smacking Squishy up and down this station for leading us into the mine field.
Anna: Alex, please be considerate. Let him explain himself first, at least. After he does, then I'll join you.
Cope: I'd like that. Certainly would reduce the amount of strain I'll have to put in my butt-kicking leg.
(Suddenly a blue portal appears above them. The three eggs drop down and land in a line, followed by their parents, and the closing of the portal)
Sara: Squishy!
Steezy: Sis!
Anna: Where the freak have you been!? And what's with those clothes?
Squishy: It's a really long story, believe me.
Sylvia: Squishy, look!
(They quiet as the eggs start to wobble. They start cracking and then break. Three small lizards pop out from the two side ones, and a lizard dressed in a Jawa robe pops from the middle one. They land, give a twirl then pose, making baby noises. Then the others cheer in a still frame with them. End credits music resumes, and we're given a rundown of all the enemies encountered in this trilogy. Plenty of the pictures are silly, while some are disturbing. After that we get a simple white "The End" against a black screen. Then a Japanese head pops in)
Miyamoto: Wait, there's more! Hit it, boys!
(Turn to a blackened screen. A spotlight comes on, and we see Squishy and Mario in it. Then uplifting music plays and the two do a graceful dance. Then the rock kicks in, and a huge stage appears, filled with the cast of FFVI and RE4 either dancing like crazy or playing "Heavy Mario Land". Characters of the Mushroom Kingdom and Sylvia also join the crazy celebration and get jiggy with it. It is a happy time for all!)
THE END
"YAAAAAAAAHHH! I'll get you yet, Squishy and Sylvia! Someday!"
"Come back, My Little Man!"
"Stay the F*** Away from Me!"