Chapter Three
They left the pub behind, giving Mandy two hours to pack her things and leave town. Though it wasn't far to Ianto's flat, they took the SUV, riding in a silence filled with anxious anticipation. Ianto let them into his small flat, hoping it was relatively presentable until he stepped inside, glanced around the disorganized mess, and suddenly didn't care. Jack was behind him, shutting the door, and before the other man could take his coat off, Ianto turned and stepped toward him, pressing him backward with a long, hard kiss against the wall. After a small grunt of surprise, Jack returned the kiss with passion, his arms coming up to pull Ianto tight against him.
"I have wanted to do that for so long," Jack murmured when they broke apart. He ran his fingers along Ianto's jaw. "I had no idea it was you though, until the night I brought you home from the Beacons. And after that I thought I'd never have the chance."
Ianto stepped back, unable to meet Jack's eyes when he knew he had hurt the other man last time Jack had been there. "I'm sorry," he said. "That night…I was so confused, so scared…I didn't realize…"
"It's okay," Jack said with a shrug and a small smile. "You were right, in a way. We have a hell of a history together. It's like the universe is playing a cruel joke or something."
Ianto smiled as he gazed at the floor. "That's exactly what I thought," he said. "But maybe it knows what it's doing after all."
"With us?" Jack shook his head, laughing softly through his nose. "No, I think it's still messing with us. Or with me, at least." He grew very serious, and Ianto could sense his nervousness through the bond. Running a hand through his hair, Jack glanced around, as if wondering what to do next, where to go. Ianto felt his stomach drop, fearing that Jack had changed his mind and wasn't interested anymore, not after he'd been rejected the last time he'd been to Ianto's flat. The thought terrified him, and he saw Jack frown as the feeling resonated between them.
"Do you want some coffee?" Ianto blurted, hoping to diffuse the uncomfortable tension that was hanging in the air. "Or…er…" He tried to think of what else he had, but drew a blank.
"Something stronger, perhaps?" Jack suggested.
"I've got that," Ianto replied, turning toward his tiny kitchen and calling over his shoulder. "You can throw your coat on the sofa, if you like."
Stepping into the kitchen, he automatically grabbed two coffee mugs from the first cabinet, then grabbed a bottle of whiskey from another. He'd poured a generous helping into each before he realized what he'd done. With shaking hands, he leaned against the counter, taking deep breaths. Something was wrong. He felt it—his instincts were screaming at him, that something was wrong, and it had nothing to do with Mandy and the Savior.
Jack didn't want to be with him after all.
"It's not that I don't want to be with you, because I do," Jack said softly behind him. Ianto whirled.
"Are you reading my mind?" he asked. Jack shook his head, glanced around, and sat down at the tall table tucked into the corner. Ianto grabbed the mugs and joined him.
"Sorry, I automatically went for the coffee mugs," he murmured as he sat down. Jack smiled and took a sip.
"This is exactly what I need right now, no matter what kind of glass it's in."
Ianto took a long sip of his drink, enjoying the slow burn of it down his throat. Cupping his hands around the mug as if it were really a cup of coffee keeping him warm, he steeled himself for a difficult conversation.
"How did you know what I was thinking?" he asked first.
"I could feel your doubt, your fear," Jack replied. "And see it in your face. I'd be thinking the same thing, if I were you."
"You said it's not that you don't want to be with me," Ianto said. "But there is clearly more to that statement."
Jack took a deep breath. "I do," he said, his voice barely working. He cleared his throat and met Ianto's eyes before looking away. "I do want this. Ever since I found out it was you…and even before…but I can't. I can't be with you."
Ianto felt his heart start racing and took another drink, trying to stay calm. "Is it because of what I said that night? Because of our past, our history together? Or is it something else I've done?"
"No!" Jack reached over and took Ianto's hand, holding tight, as if trying to ground himself. "It has nothing to do with you, with anything that's happened between us. That's all in the past, at least for me. It's…complicated."
"Tell me, then," Ianto replied. "Tell me why it's complicated, when this—" he tapped his head, indicating their renewed soul bond, "—is telling me it's not."
"Because this—" Jack tapped his temple as well "—is not safe. It's not safe for you, Ianto, and I can't do this to you, especially when you never had a choice."
"A choice?" Ianto asked. "It's not about choice, and in some ways, that's the beauty of it. But why isn't it safe? Is it because of my blackouts?"
Jack nodded slowly.
"You know what they are," Ianto said. "If you're going to end this, I'd like to know why. What causes them?"
Jack shook his head and took a sip of his drink. "You really don't want to know. But I think if you maintain the bond with me, you'll keep having blackouts. What if it happens while you're chasing an alien? Using your gun? Talking to the Queen? I couldn't live with that, knowing something could happen to you because of me."
Ianto sat back and crossed his arms over his chest. He stared at his knees, trying to keep his temper in check, but it was made worse by the determination he could sense from Jack. Blowing out a long breath in frustration, he finally glanced back up at Jack.
"This thing, this bond between us…like you said, we didn't have a choice. But I'd like to have a choice in whether or not we pursue it. And I can't make that choice if I don't have all the facts. I have blackouts directly connected to the bond disappearing. If it's not connected to you time-traveling, then what is it? I've never heard of such a thing, and I've looked for years! If you know what it is, maybe we can fix it together."
Jack knocked back his drink with a bitter laugh. He stood and poured himself more, took another sip, then paced in the tiny kitchen. "You can't fix this—I don't know if anyone on Earth can."
Ianto felt a stab of anger, that Jack had written him—and them—off so completely. Jack stopped and looked at him sadly. "I'm not exaggerating," he said. "This is…Ianto, you wouldn't want to be with me if you knew. You'd run as fast as you can."
Ianto stood up and faced him. "Is that what you think? That I'm so shallow as to run from a spot of relationship trouble? Maybe you're right, and I'm a bloody coward when it comes to facing real life and that's why I refused to let Lisa go, but I'd at least like the damn choice!"
Jack's jaw set, and Ianto was almost certain that Jack would never tell him, that he would never know why it couldn't be. Finally, Jack set his feet apart, arms crossed as if protecting his heart, and stared at the floor. "Fine. Every time you have a blackout, I die." He looked up to find Ianto watching him with confusion.
"What do you mean, you die?"
Jack huffed and looked away. "I can't actually die," he said. "Except I do. And then I come back. So I can't die for real. Forever. I always come back."
"What?" Ianto whispered, a sense of numbness creeping into his chest. "I don't understand."
"I don't understand myself," Jack replied. "But a long time ago, I was killed. I was fighting the Daleks, actually. I was exterminated." His voice turned bitter on the last word. "But something happened to me, and I came back. And ever since then, I keep coming back. Every time."
"Every time?" Ianto asked, feeling sick.
"Shoot me, stab me, burn me, run me through with a javelin—every time. I die, I heal, I wake up, and carry on." He closed his eyes. "And it is a living hell the likes of which I wouldn't wish on anyone."
Ianto sank back onto his chair, stunned at Jack's revelation. And yet…so many things started to make sense, things the team had always wondered about Jack, things Ianto had seen in the archives.
"If you can't die," Ianto said quietly, "you're much older than you look, aren't you?"
"Let's just say I could be your great grandfather several times over," Jack replied. "And if the age difference isn't enough to give you the heebie-jeebies, then the blackouts should. Every time I die, the bond disappears. I'm dead, but you feel it happen and black out. It probably doesn't break completely, because I always come back, so the bond reappears, and then it all happens again. That's why it's too dangerous," he said again.
Ianto nodded slowly. "I think I understand, but…god, Jack." He looked up, tried to catch Jack's eye. "That's horrible, that's…well, it's unfathomable, what you go through, what you've suffered."
Jack swallowed thickly and joined him at the table. He reached across and gripped Ianto's hand tightly. "And that's why I can't watch you suffer it too," he said. "When I first came here, I thought I would never meet my soulmate. I was so far out of my time, it seemed impossible. Year after year went by, without forming a bond, and everyone I loved was lost to me. So, I eventually stopped hoping and told myself it wasn't meant to happen. And then I started to feel the bond, ten years ago, and I couldn't believe it…yet it terrified me, knowing that even if I found them, I'd lose them one day, like I had lost everyone else I loved."
"Because you won't die, but they…I…" Ianto trailed off, unable to imagine how much loss Jack had suffered. "I'm sorry," he whispered.
"Don't be," Jack told him. "It's not your fault. It's the universe laughing at me and only me. I'm sorry it picked you."
"No, I don't believe that," Ianto said. "There must be some reason, something we can do, some way to—"
"To die?" Jack asked, raising an eyebrow. "Believe me, I have tried everything. Nothing sticks."
Ianto sat back, putting his hands in his lap. "How can you be so cavalier about it?" he asked.
"Because I've been hanging around here for over a hundred years, not dying," Jack snapped, then apologized before falling silent. Ianto didn't know what to say, but Jack continued. "You asked about time travel…I used to travel through time. When I first died and came back, fighting the Daleks, I was hundreds of years in the future, millions of miles from here. I had no idea what had happened—I still don't—but I thought I might find someone who could help me here, on Earth."
Ianto snorted. "In Cardiff?"
"He uses the Rift to refuel his ship," Jack said. "But I jumped back too early, and I got stuck here, and I still haven't found him."
"So there might be a way to help you?" Ianto asked. "You could have a normal life?"
Jack shrugged. "I don't think my life ever was or ever will be normal, but yes, I'm hoping he might be able to tell me what happened, why I'm like this. Maybe even fix it." He took a deep breath. "Which is another reason why we can't…even though I want to so badly…but when I find this man, I will go with him. I have to find answers."
"You mean, you'll leave Earth?" Ianto asked, knowing Jack meant more than simply leaving Torchwood, leaving Cardiff. When Jack nodded, Ianto asked the question he didn't want to ask. "When?"
"I don't know," Jack said softly. "But it will be this century, and soon."
He took a deep breath. "Will you come back?"
Jack's silence was his answer, and Ianto knew there would be no changing Jack's mind—from leaving, from returning, or from being together in spite of all the obstacles. It made sense, in a Shakespearean kind of way: Ianto would continue to have blackouts whenever Jack died and came back. One day he would die, leaving Jack alone, unless Jack left before then to find his answers, and when Jack left, the bond would completely break when he time traveled. The blackouts Ianto had experienced for years were nothing compared to the excruciating feeling of the bond completely snapping when Jack had been thrown through the Savior's portal. Why would either one of them want to put the other through the inevitable loss one day, let alone suffer the blackouts and fear and guilt they brought with them until then?
The thought of losing the person he was supposed to spend his life with hurt, though. It did indeed seem like the universe was being cruel in first taking Lisa, and now Jack. He hadn't had a chance to get to know Jack, or experience the full realization of the animoré bond, but Ianto already felt like he was losing a part of himself. It was unfair, and Ianto wanted to rage at the world for giving and taking so much from him already.
"If we…" He cleared his throat, surprised at how rough his voice was. Jack regarded him with his own heartbroken look, and Ianto felt the same sadness from Jack, tucked into the corner of his mind. He couldn't imagine losing the feeling of his animoré forever. "If we don't do this…" He pointed between them, "…then what about this?" He tapped his head and waited.
Jack sat down across from him once more. "I know how to block it," he began.
"You did that after you left, last time you were here," Ianto said, and Jack nodded.
"You seemed pretty clear about not wanting it, so yes, I blocked it as best as I could. I've obviously never had to do it before, and it's been years since I first learned the technique, but I could block in again."
"What happens when you die?" Ianto asked.
"I'm not sure," Jack replied. "You might still blackout, or you might not even notice."
"And when you leave? If you time-travel?" Ianto knew the answer, but still had to ask.
Jack looked pained. "Then it breaks," he said. "Painfully."
Ianto pressed his lips together. "It was worse than any blackout I've had. If I'm driving or chasing a Weevil, I could be a dead man."
"I don't know what else to do," Jack said helplessly, staring at him.
"We could break it now," Ianto suggested, hating the words as soon as they were out of his mouth. "There are techniques…" He trailed off as Jack's eyes widened and he sat back in shock.
"Could you?" he asked, his voice rough. "Could you do that, willingly?"
Ianto considered his answer: he could be ruthless, but when it came to this, he doubted the ability to compartmentalize his life would be helpful. Bad enough when the bond slowly dissolved after one partner died; to willingly sever a soul bond was almost unheard of. The shock of a willing break most often resulted in long-term mental health and relationship issues. It was exceptionally rare that anyone ever choose to break the bond and not be with their soulmate, and few of those stories had a happy ending
"No," he said softly. He shook his head, and Jack sat forward, reaching across the table for his hand. "No, I don't think I could. But I don't know if I can stand knowing what we could have together and not having it, or knowing that someday it will break completely when you leave."
They were silent for a long moment. Jack's thumb idly traced back and forth along Ianto's hand; it was soothing, and Ianto liked it. He wanted it—Jack's touch, Jack's kiss, everything. Yes, he wanted it, but he couldn't have it, and he knew Jack felt the flood of heartache and disappointment when he sighed, squeezed Ianto's hand, and stood up.
"I'm sorry," he said. "I don't want to do this, but I have to. I'll block it for now, and when I have to go… I'll try to let you know, although it might be very sudden."
He closed his eyes, and Ianto felt Jack's presence begin to drift away, leaving him empty once more. It was a cold, empty pocket of nothing in the corner of his mind where his animoré had once been, and it was painful, knowing it would remain that way. He stood up before Jack, hands in his pockets. "So what now?"
"We carry on," Jack replied. His opened his eyes, and they looked sad and tired. "As best as we can. It won't be easy."
Ianto shrugged. "It's Torchwood," he said, offering a small smile. "I'll miss it, though."
"Me too," Jack replied with his own crooked smile, his voice catching.
"And I'll really miss…the chance to try it out," Ianto continued. "To know what it could have been."
Jack stepped closer to him and pulled him into a warm embrace. "I will too. I have been waiting for so long, and now…now it's like it never happened. I'm still alone."
Ianto turned his head toward Jack's. "You're not alone, Jack. I'm still here." He pressed his lips to Jack's, intending it to be a quick, chaste kiss, but instead Jack hesitated only a moment before pulling him close and kissing him back. It was a passionate kiss, filled with sadness and longing, and Ianto understood exactly what Jack had meant when he'd said it could have been great. It could have been amazing, to be together both physically and emotionally. Yet all too soon they were stepping apart, because they couldn't. It wasn't meant to be after all.
"I should go," Jack murmured, then turned toward the door. He grabbed his coat and flung it around his shoulders before coming back to Ianto for another kiss. When he stopped, he apologized one last time. "I am so sorry," he whispered.
"I know," Ianto replied, and found he had nothing more to say. What else was there? That was it: it was over before it had started. Jack could not be his soulmate, so they were nothing more than boss and employee, maybe friends. Never more. He watched as Jack nodded, let himself out, and pulled the door shut behind him.
And he wondered once again if he'd made the right choice, not fighting for more. But deep down he knew it would only lead to pain and heartbreak.
Author's Note:
This is why the story exploded into several more chapters. I was all set to give them a happy ending here when Jack went all self-sacrificial. I could not in good conscience see any way to not let Jack be Jack: he may want it, but he sees too much danger in it for Ianto due to the blackouts, as well as himself. It's funny how little control authors have over their stories sometimes. In trying to stay true to Jack and Ianto's character, I signed myself up for a much longer tale. Yet there is hope: we know Ianto's character is persistent in pushing Jack and getting what he wants…particularly when it comes to stopwatches. And we know they eventually both throw caution to the wind. Thank you for still reading!