He emailed Joey. He emailed Andie. He worked for Danny and it was an incredible learning experience. He talked to Dawson, Jen and Jack almost every day. He was happy to see everyone and they were actually happy to see him. "It's not like I'd trade what I had for being on land near them, but it's nice," he said to Gretchen.

Gretchen patted him on the arm. "That's sweet, get off my bed."

"Are you going to bed now?"

"Yes and you should, too, you're still getting up at 3 am," she said.

He was settled in his sleeping bag, eyes closed when Gretchen said, "You've only been back two weeks so I'm not going to mention that what you've said to everyone about what happened is incredibly edited."

"But you will tell Dawson every time I have a nightmare," he said. "Which has been once."

"It's been twice. Twice in two weeks. You used to sleep like a rock," she said.

"I'm adjusting to being on land again," he said. "Please stop worrying."

"Never gonna happen," Gretchen said.

He and Joey had two long phone calls where they just watched movies together and talked about everything and nothing at all that weekend.

"Come up here next weekend," Joey said.

"Okay," Pacey said.

"And this time we will have sex," Joey said.

They didn't. Joey came out of the bathroom and sat on the bed across from him. "Maybe you could just power through," Joey said.

"I can't, Jo. I actually can't stay hard when every fiber of your being is screaming you don't want me to touch you," he said. "Why would you want me to?"

"I just want to get it over with," she said. "I feel like if I just do it, then things will go back to normal."

He reached out and she took his hand. "You know that won't ever happen," Pacey said. "Back to whatever you think is normal. It wouldn't, I mean, our normal was three years ago when I was apparently fat and bloated."

"You weren't fat or bloated," Joey said, smiling. "But you wore those huge hawaiian shirts and baggy pants."

"See? Growth." He laid back on the bed. "God, I love your bed."

"You love any bed," she said.

"You know if you just want to get it over with, there's other penises out there," he said.

"It's not like that, Pacey," she said. She got under the covers next to him.

"Joey, I haven't said I love you to you to anyone since you," Pacey said. "So believe me, I'm happy to do whatever you need, but, like, are we back together? Are we dating? If we're not, if we're just friends, that's cool, too."

"Pacey," she said. She kissed his cheek. "I think we're more back together than just friends. But you're right, we should figure this out. I'm sorry if you feel like I was just using you."

"I didn't think that at all," he said. "I don't. Just, you know, stop putting so much pressure on yourself to be something you can't be and I don't think you even want to be."

"I want to be sexually active," Joey said. "I'm tired of him winning."

"You survived," Pacey said. "You're winning."

He slept like a baby in her awesome bed. When they woke up, he went down on her until she came, he counted that as his greatest accomplishment of the weekend.

Joey said, "I promise I've been talking to someone, okay? I do talk, and I talk, people give me advice, I listen, you don't have to be my therapist."

"I'd be a shitty therapist. I think you're brilliant," Pacey said. "I'd give you bad advice."

"I don't think you would," she said. She kissed him goodbye.

Xxx

Jen said, "Pacey, I want to counsel you for a paper, okay?"

"Absolutely not," Pacey said. "Hey, you talk to Joey, right?"

"According to the girl code, I can't repeat anything she's said," Jen said. "But you're doing fine."

"I feel like we kinda jumped into this sex quest without talking about who we are to each other now and I tried to bring it up but I think I just made her feel bad," Pacey said. He stretched out on Jen's bed. "Lindley, please please, let me stay here tonight. Let me sleep in your luxurious bed."

"Don't you have work tomorrow? At 4 am?"

"No, it's Friday night, I don't have work tomorrow at all," he said.

"As long as you promise not to make any moves on me," she said.

"I won't, I won't, I won't. I want a bed, Jen," Pacey said.

"Is your tattoo the latitude and longitude of Capeside?"

"Yup," Pacey said. "You're the best, by the way."

"Why did you get a tattoo?"

He looked at her. "Are you trying to sneaky analyze me for your paper?"

"I'm trying to analyze you but just because I like you," Jen said.

"I got a tattoo because I wanted something permanent on my body that I chose to put there. So yes, it was related to my being stabbed, are you happy now?" He smiled and rolled on his side. "Man, I could fall asleep right now."

"I would tuck you in," Jen said. "Actually I can give you the whole bed, and go over to Jack's."

"I don't want to kick you out," Pacey said. He couldn't keep his eyes open, getting to be in a comfortable bed was like Ambien to him.

"You're not," she said. She kissed his cheek and he fell asleep.

Of course, because he was at Jen's, he had a nightmare. He sat up and tried to slow his breathing. Jen had come back and was in the bed next to him. She said, "Pacey."

He laid back down and turned away from her. He said, "Do you remember Abby Morgan?"

"Oh, God, yes," Jen said, and laughing in a burst.

"When I got stabbed and I was calling for help on the radio, bleeding to what I was pretty sure was my death, I had a hallucination that Abby Morgan came in. We bantered a little about hell, whether she was in hell, she called me a loser."

"That sounds like Abby," Jen said. In a few years Jen was going to call that her therapist voice.

"The very last thing I really remember before waking up in the hospital was begging her not to leave. I really, I swear she sat down next to me and said, Fine, totally put out and complained about the blood on her shoes," he said. "If you repeat this I will end you and I will get away with it."

"Because you're a white male," Jen said.

"I'll say I do have PTSD, too," he said.

"So your nightmares are about Abby?"

"Yes, that's very insightful of you," he said. "I'm being thrown off the yacht and drowning and then Abby's there, dragging me down with her or stabbing me or both."

"Minds are weird," Jen said. "Really, Pacey, they are. Half the time we're not even sure how medication works the way it works. Not really."

"I didn't have any nightmares before I moved here," Pacey said. "Not since I left the hospital."

"It's probably seeing all of us, something in your brain got ticked to the on position and it's processing, it's working out things because you see us, you remember Abby, you remember being frightened and traumatized," Jen said. "Or you're just nuts."

"Every day at work I cut with the same kind of knife he used, doesn't bother me in the slightest. But I see you guys and I can't sleep," he said. "I think the path to sanity is clear."

"If you stop hanging out with me, whose bed will you crash in?" She squeezed his shoulder.

"Okay, fine," he said. "We can keep hanging out."

The next weekend, Gretchen sweetly offered to stay with one of her friends for the low, low price of $50. "If you have sex on my bed, change the sheets. In fact, just change the sheets Sunday," she said.

"I'm telling Joey you charged me $50," he said.

"She'll salute my entrepreneurial spirit," Gretchen said.

Joey said, "Wow, your place is small. They have apartments in New York that aren't the size of a shoebox, right?"

"I've heard about them, but I've never actually seen one," Pacey said.

He made her lunch, since after 5 weeks, he'd definitely learned enough to make something special. Sort of special, maybe. It was better than anything she usually got, she swore.

She said, "Do you mind if I study a little? I need to write, too."

"Do you mind if I nap on Gretchen's lovely bed? Cause I really love beds," Pacey said.

"Your addiction to mattresses is a little disturbing," Joey said.

"I acknowledge I have a problem," he said. "Step 2 after I wake up."

Joey woke him by getting in bed with him. She kissed him. He said, "Did you write?"

"500 words that are totally worthless," she said. "I have a train trip tomorrow to try again. I always write well on the train."

"Okay, good," he said.

They made out and got naked. He said, "I remember this one night, I think it was March, back in Capeside? Senior year and Bessie let you sleep over for some insane reason, and you got up in the middle of the night and there you were in the moonlight. You were always so beautiful."

"You were always so kind," she said. "God, why did Bessie let me spend the night? We were obviously having sex. You had your own place."

"With Gretchen," he said. "Dawson's parents never let him stay over."

"I guess she thought I would just have sex anyway?"

"But you wouldn't have, I mean, it's not like you would have snuck out," he said.

"We would have just done it in the afternoon after school," she said.

"Which we did anyway," Pacey said. "You're still beautiful."

"Thank you," she said.

She finally made it through, lowering herself onto him, moving as he thrust up. He came, and she got off of him. He said, "You didn't come."

"It's fine, Pacey, it was still wonderful." She kissed him. "Let's get some sleep."

They both woke up at 3 am. "Our sleep schedules are going to be so fucked," Pacey said.

They had sex again, Joey on top again, and this time she came.

They were laying together in the darkness when he said, "I know you're crying."

"I do that sometimes, it's not personal," she said. "It is personal, actually having sex is this great thing for me and at this point in my life, I cry at everything, even good things."

"Are we gonna date now?"

"I thought we were," she said. "I know it's stupid, but I honestly fell for you all over again, right around the time you said that thing about being gassy because we had Thai food."

"That was actually true," he said. He ran his hand down her bare back. He loved her so much.

"But it's just so you, making me laugh and making sure I didn't have to feel bad." She sighed. "I wanted to be someone you actually could date which is why I was so focused on the sex thing."

"If we didn't have sex for years, and all we did was hold hands because that's what you felt comfortable with, you would still be someone I could date and would be happy to date," he said.

"That's a lot to expect of someone," she said. "I mean, I underestimated you. Jen told me that."

"So I can say my girlfriend when I talk about you?"

"Of course," she said. "I already call you my boyfriend."

"If I didn't love my job, I'd move up to Boston in a heartbeat. I bet I could find an apartment with room for a bed, too," he said.

She laughed a little at that. "Pacey, don't move for me. I'm planning to move here after graduation, actually. I was, before you came back."

He said, "Why don't you ever ask me what happened to me? Everyone else does."

She sighed again. "Because I already know. Your dad called me right after they notified him. He was really worried about you. He called me the next day and told me you were going to be okay and said if I wanted to call you, you would probably appreciate it. But I didn't call you. I felt guilty about that. I still feel guilty about it. But I don't ask you because you manifestly don't want to talk about it."

"It's okay you didn't call," he said.

"No, I don't think so," she said. "But we've both been assholes, so let's just call it even."

He took her with Sunday afternoon before she had to go back so he could buy himself a bicycle. "Turns out I'm taller than Gretchen," he said.

Joey said, "You don't say. Do you really bike everywhere? Is that how you're staying in shape?"

"I joined a boxing gym about two blocks from our shoebox," he said, looking over the bikes on display. "Honestly, all the objectification and Pacey you're so in shape comments really weigh on me, so I feel I have to live up to this ideal."

"It's like you're experiencing what it's like to be woman, only to a very very miniscule degree," Joey said. "I'll still take out out in public if you're not as much a specimen of male goodness."

"As much," he said. "What margin are we talking about? Can I start eating donuts again?"

"Since when don't you eat donuts?"

Pacey turned and smiled at her. "I stopped when I left Capeside, nothing was really gonna measure up."

"You can't be serious," Joey said. "You haven't a donut the whole time you've been living here in New York City?"

"I know, it's weird," he said. "No one takes me to donut places and everyone already relies on me to cook in my circle of friends."

"We're leaving now," Joey said. She marched him to a bakery where they did indeed have donuts.

The next weekend he went up to Boston. Joey insisted he wasn't going to cook once. "I like to cook," he said.

"Yeah, no," Joey said. "Weekend off."

She barely slept that night, waking up and tossing and turning. He watched her until after midnight when he said, "I can sleep on the couch. If it's me that's freaking you out."

"It's not you specifically," Joey said.

"Don't worry," he said. "The couch prepares me better to go back to my floor."

When she finally woke up the next morning, she was in a foul mood. "I'm sorry I'm such a freak," she said.

"You're not a freak, you don't need to apologize, and I just wish you'd feel more comfortable telling me when you need me to back away and get out," he said. "I won't be upset."

She gave him a skeptical look. He said, "I mean it."

He tried to think of a way to make her smile. Like she could read his mind, she did. "I can tell when you're doing that," she said. "Trying to make me feel better."

"I'm pretty transparent, I guess," he said.

"It's a good look for you," she said. "I'm going to pass along some Jen advice she mentioned to me."

"If she said anything about my night with her -" Joey glared at him. "My completely platonic night."

Joey nodded and smiled. "You do have a mattress addiction. You'd probably sleep with Dawson or Jack at the drop of a hat."

"Are you kidding? Dawson has that weird loft contraption in his dorm room and I don't want to be anywhere near that thing when it finally collapses. Very bad carpentry," he said.

"Jen says you should probably tell someone what happened to you," Joey said.

He sighed. "Of course she thinks that."

"You could tell me if you want," Joey said.

"I don't," he said. "You already have enough bad memories."

"I'm not fragile," Joey said, her voice harsh. "I can take it."

"I didn't say you couldn't," he said. "I know you're not fragile. I said I don't want to add the pile you already have because it's a big pile not because you can't handle it."

"Okay," she said. "Think about it, okay?"

He promised.