Many people who have come to know me: friends or near friends…they like to make fun of my soberness and gloom. Mostly because I do not smile nor joke. I do, of course, smile, but they fail to acknowledge them, or even look for them. I guess they have a right to comment. But mind you quite often this happens in places of men. Locked away in their drinks and pleasures that barely even last, so they must further indulge in it until they are drooling on the tables or muttering nonsense.

I find it odd they expect an elf to find happiness in the same pleasures that they do, and be glad about it, when our ways of finding fulfillment and happiness are quite different. When relating to an elf to a lesser man.

Set me in a place of elven make, a simple garden, or a good book…well, I would be quite happy. A good joke even may bring a laugh out of me, if it is good enough…Ah, or even a good memory.

I find a lot more joy spending time with my horse than certain people I encounter.

Perhaps I do not express myself enough that they want me to. A shame, a loss, on my part, but I am too weary to put much effort into that change. It would be different if I were truly cold to the core…I do not want to think I am thus. But alas, that is one of the faces I will only show to a person if they have earned that reception.

I am reserved by nature…that is just how I was brought up, and influences while my mind was still developing only enforced it. I ought to be ashamed that I become afraid at times when interacting with people, especially ones who can do serious harm to me (I have experienced enough physical damage to sustain me for centuries). Or the fear of losing friends.

They commend some for saying they are fearless, and laugh at the face of danger…It is almost arrogant. And I want to believe I know what arrogance is: the Noldor are quite known for that bad trait. A little fear will not kill you, and facing that fear is even stronger than if you had none to begin with.

Even then…sometimes it is just better to walk away from a fight than to react and to let it get bloody.

A tough lesson to learn for one of the deep-elves, even the art of patience, but I have learned it over the ages: many times over.

The hard way.

Year 105 of the First Age; near Nargothrond…

I can hear some of the taller elves gossiping about me again. I am getting quite tired of the words they say. It took a long time to get enlisted in the ranks. Why did it take so long: because they found me unworthy, hardly worthy to even be a Noldo to begin with.

I am not full grown yet, I still have little under a decade for that…but the sergeants, commanders, and all those people higher rank in the army have seen elflings of larger stature and broader build at my age. I was not one of them, and that has gotten me to be called "the laiquendë", given my physical similarities to the green-elves. And it was not a compliment.

I already know they would not like their name to be used in such a crude manner. I would go hide in a tree to escape their anger if I ever was in that situation…I respect them too much.

My shoulders tense as I hear another rude comment. I want to look at my uncles for help, but that would be weak. Noldor do not hide behind their stronger as a barrier…they do their own thing.

We are ruthless.

I am caught by both my shoulders…to my luck to the elves that were saying things about me. I bite my tongue very hard. I do not want to say anything…I do not want to say anything...

"You never will be in the front lines, boy, even when you pass the training."

One of them whispers so none other could hear, "We will make sure you will not."

That does it. I have worked too hard for this to be ridiculed, even threatened to never pass. To be stuck at home doing nothing but sit and read.

I am glad that I had my metal boots on instead of the light scouting gear that is often worn. I wore the metal more often to help strengthen me: to push my limit…And I stomped on both their feet.

I do not care if it was childish. They bloody deserved it. And I grin smugly as they yelp in pain and back off.

But they retaliate…

"You want to play it like this, now? Well, then we will play it that way too."

It all is chaos now. I cannot tell what is happening clearly, except my hair is being pulled, and I am being hit, and in my own self-defense I scratch, bite, and kick.

A command to stop: in a hard, commander voice. The others stop…but my nerves are so high; I hate it so much, this feeling. I probably could kill anyone if they touch me. I will have control over this!

Finally, I look and see our troop-leader staring at all of us with disapproval, and the ellon starts to speak in a dark voice, "Shame on you all for behaving like the Fëanorians, I would think we are better than that! Attacking another elf is a serious offense, worthy enough of a death sentence…"

I know I paled just now. I am glad that we are just children still…But it was not just playful wrestling…we were seriously going to hurt each other, if given the chance.

"Who started this?"

Of course, my adversaries point at me. Who else would they point? Themselves? They even looked like they kept their marbles. I do not look like I did. Now I feel afraid, and even more angry, now that the troop-leader walked up to me and stared me down from his imposing height. Why did I have to be short?

"What instigated you to harm your fellow guards?"

I should keep my mouth shut…I should keep my mouth shut…No, I cannot do it anymore. It all has been boiling inside me, I cannot hold it anymore, "They harass me often, sir." I say bitterly and very sourly; venom in my voice, "Often they threaten me, often they ridicule me. How else should I respond?" I cannot stop…the gate has been opened, "They crossed the line…I have come too far to be treated thus. Especially by you and all the others of higher rank."

It all goes quiet, and the leader looked a bit offended at my words. Well, it is true, and I do not care. I am tired of this…

"I believe you." He said slowly, briefly looking at my attackers, who now have also gone pale, "But it seems your tongue is a bit too wild to speak thus to your superiors, child." He looks at all of us, "All of you will be put on probation, as a warning, and you will do the most unwanted jobs for the next two weeks…Further insolence will be dealt with."

The last words were practically hissed, and the others run away. I do not know what to think, so I stay. He never gave the order to leave…

He gives me a piercing glare; now I run for it. Please, great Eru, do not let me run into my enemies again. My prayer is answered…as I run into my uncle, Aridhor, who gets a grip on me firmly by the shoulders.

I want to hide, I want to hide so badly…Why is he here? I look up slowly, and I feel comfortable with him to speak of the reasons of my anger. Of course, my hopes are shattered at the look of disapproval. Since I am still angry, now I shoot it at him with an irate expression.

"You should not have acted the way you did, sapling."

"I will not stand idle about it anymore! I cannot! I will not survive if I do!"

"Oh, you will not survive if you keep being angry about things." He tugs on my arm, "Now, I will be your guard-"

I resist, both physically and mentally, "I will not submit to anyone anymore!" I hiss, "I will not!"

"Taurglîr-"

"Nay!"

Aridhor now scowls, "You are making this far more difficult than it needs to be." It happened so quickly…much to my embarrassment and humiliation I was now swung over his shoulders like an elfling of seventeen! "Behave younger than you are, then I will play the game as well, elfling."

I know that me pounding and kicking will not get me anywhere, my uncles are quite strong when dealing with these kinds of situations. I hate that they are so skilled at it, so my effort to escape will be futile. I need to let it out, desperately…so I bury my face into his shoulder and just scream.

I sit in a corner, tired and spent from my emotional outbursts. And the bruises from the fight, I can feel them now. I am so ashamed of what I have done…

I had one of the talks with my other uncle, Undómion. Both are known as the ravens in their regiment. I begin to wonder if they are specifically chosen to deal with unruly soldiers. They bicker and wrestle with each other often anyway, when no one is looking, or when Aridhor does something Undómion gets supremely annoyed by that he has to punch something, or someone.

Of course, the difference between their rivalries and the one I was just in is because it is civil. No one ever gets unduly harmed.

They are both my probation guards…they granted me the small mercy of recovering from my hurts before going to work. I just want to sleep, but I cannot.

Especially when there are footsteps coming…and it is ada.

No…I do not want him to look at me like this. I am a disgrace to our race already.

I hide my face in my arms. I can feel his gaze. Now I can sense he is very close to me, standing before me in fact.

"Look at me."

No, I do not want to.

'Your barricades still need to be worked on, my son.' Not the ósanwë… 'Stop blocking us out; look at me.'

Reluctantly I looked up. Respect for your elders. That is one of the most important things in life. I keep silent though as I watch ada, whose face is kept carefully neutral.

He notes my silence, "They told me what happened…I think you were well informed of the dangers you were putting yourself in when joining the ranks."

"They should not be saying, no, threatening me about never moving forward." I speak finally, though the bitterness is back.

"I agree about that, sapling…though returning the evil with evil will not make it go away."

I recall the part where they did come upon me, with more force…just because I tried to get them to go away. I say nothing again.

Ada had waited for a response, so he sighs when I did not give it to him, "It is a curse we are all bound to, I am afraid. Implemented in our minds it is second nature to us…We can only try: with effort, to escape that pit."

"So I should just let them do what they please?" I snap again. Big mistake.

Ada frowns at my attitude and with coolness he answers, "I know you are frustrated and angered by this, but unleash upon something that cannot be affected by it." He said that effectively, and sulkily I obey by trying to contain myself again, "Our people are divided enough…further division will not help us."

I tune him out at this point…I cannot bring myself to care.

A few moments later, I see Ada get up from his crouched position, and he looks down at me. More disappointment, maybe even hurt was on his face, "Alright then, elfling…since it seems you do not wish to see the greater scale, I shall scale it down for you: by not reacting, you may have only suffered hurt from their words. Eventually, perhaps, the officers would have noticed their cruelty and done something about it, and you would not have needed to be punished. Your opponents hopefully would have stopped…" He shook his head, "Do not feed the fire. You will only burn down the house and surrounding trees by joining the animosity." Ada leaves.

My brows furrow as I start to think about it. Today's events will linger in my mind and heart for a while. But for now, I just want to sleep. I need the energy for what I have coming for me for the next two weeks…

Being patient must get easier as you get older. I still struggle with keeping my mouth shut and even keeping myself from doing regrettable things. That is something that plagues all races, sadly, so I am not exclusive in this fight of control. Whether people choose to keep their wits about them is not my place to know…

I of course did make my way up in the ranks, and even gained a few loyal comrades when we were scouting the borders and on the battlefield. We watched each other's backs. I am thankful for the friends I have made in this present age.

I do not think I would be alive without them.

A/N Alright, so far this is linear, as is the next chapter. But that may change, eventually. Sequence of events just happen to have it this way.