A/N: Sorry for the delay. Was caught up with work and writing letters to my brother in Marine Bootcamp. Spoilers for season 1 and 2.

…...

Message from Dean:

Sorry for the wait mis Deanamigos! Yours truly was caught on some really strange case with a succubus…it was a lot of fun…ahem…terrible to get through, and I had to take some time off to recover, i.e. get a series of booster shots. But that's okay, Sammy came out in one piece though, and I'm sure the little bitch is gloating about it…

Take from last chapter:

Elusivepoet: Lots of good info on vamps! I'll have to find a way to get ahold of some dead mans blood and a machete! Any tips on how to get into a morgue or a funeral home for the blood?

Well before I answer your inquiry Poet, I need to ask you a question. Can you act?

Sometimes posing as a Fed or local reporter (though I would stick with the Fed) can get you access whereas a regular Joe Smoe wouldn't. Easily get yourself in there, ask the coroner or Med Examiner to go get something, and once they're gone, look in a nearby fridge, find a jar filled with red goo, and then bada bing bada boom you're good to go.

Or if you really want to do it the hard way and by surreptitiously sneaking in at night: first, locate a nerd and hack yourself into the security system and cut off the alarms. Afterwards, stroll right on in and grab you some!

Good luck and have fun breaking the law Poet! ;)

Alright now on to lesson three: Demons.

A.K.A. Whiny bitches!

And this is where you're going to have to resort back to the warnings in chapter one. These babies aren't easy to take down, so you're gonna need that salt, angry Latin skills, and a marker.

"…they are black eyed freaks for sure!" –P.P.G

Girl, you got it!

Again these guys are no picnic…more like a blizzard in the tropics. They're weird, badass, sassy, and annoying. And, once more, they tend to look just like us. Only the difference being they do have solid black eyes, and with a flick of the wrist they can fold your bony ass like a human origami.

Yes, that means they have mystical powers.

Wow, that came out cornier than I thought. Hmmm….

Demons, to Professor Langdon it, originally begin as humans. Oh who would ever guess! Meaning they're spirits…spirits who have gone to Hell and back—

-Intermission: Yes, to those who turn a deaf ear to the preaching maniacs, Hell is an otherworldly plain that does exist…and it sucks. Do good, because it's not fun frying up like a Shish-ka-bob and tuning the "smoking body" melody.

—Basically the fathomless pit of evil, Hellfire, and roasting human marshmallows, cook these spirits so well done, they become evil, and angry. So when –or if- they escape from the devil's playpen, well guess what? They want some fun…starting with us.

So look out, because their idea of fun isn't Disneyworld and a nice cocktail!

No, they'll probably skin your wife alive and lock your in kids in a car trunk on a hundred degree day while they cash out all of your bank accounts and live the high life. Seriously.

And how they do that is…by possessing you.

Yup, ghost possession 101. Do you remember the Shining?

Well…it's kinda like that.

Technically demons are ghosts…ghosts that need an attitude adjustment. Physically, they come off as an enormous black cloud, that reeks and shits out sulphur (which stinks like rotting eggs, so it's kinda hard to miss it), and jumps you by sliding down your throat. Nasty image, I know. I can't guarantee that it'll be completely pain-free, but usually it's a lot less gruesome than Emily Rose.

I can't really describe to you what it's like, but according to Sammy, when a person is being possessed, they feel like they're asleep for a long time –until the demon wakes the soul up inside and torments him or her by showing what it's doing with their body, ergo kill someone. You try watching yourself slit somebody's throat and have no power in stopping it. Yeah, it's no cakewalk, that's for sure. Demons try to blend in with humans as much as possible, but eventually their bad habits and plans for destruction sneak through.

But hey, look on the bright side. Their mischievous tendencies light up like a Las Vegas beacon for hunters. Winning!

The first ever possession that happened to our little family was our Dad. For a while, Sam and I had no idea that he was possessed –the bastard was that good in blending in. Only it was lucky that I knew my dad in and out, and some of the words he said felt totally off. It wasn't long before it was revealed the demon had jumped his bones, and boy was that an ass-kicking I'll never forget. And not even a year later, my brother. It took me a little while longer to figure out that Sam was possessed too, but as they say: Late is better than Never.

Now if I were to account all the times Sam and I have met these fugly bitches…this thing would end up being longer than War and Peace. And that first page I read was boring enough! So let's not do that, shall we? Let's just get to the meat and potatoes of this lesson.

Typically the signs to look out for those who are possessed are:

….well, obviously, if their eyes turn black.

But that's not totally true. Demons do have class systems; and usually ones higher up on the Richter Scale have different colored corneas. For instance, the demon bastard that killed our mother and introduced us into this shit-hole of a life; his eyes were yellow. Can't miss that!

Other badass demons we've messed with in our life, their eyes were white. And let me tell you, you don't want to cross them either. Just play ignorant and be on your merry way. Though by the time you reach a yard or so, you're already dead. They can do that, FYI! Zap your ass from several yards away? You betcha.

The lesser demons will have the black eyes, or if they're in sales: red. Warning, watch out for those suckers! These demons like to play the "Trading Souls" game. They typically seek out the depressed or socially challenged. So if I were you, take some "Zoloft", get friends, or go on a dating site, because these guys will try every trick out of the book to coerce you into selling your soul.

They'll make you think that selling your soul is just the cherry at the top of the chocolate Fondu station…when, really, you'll get a small taste of the high life for a good ten years (if you're lucky) and then its time to pay up.

And by pay up, I mean the contract is terminated by you mauled to death by a vicious, invisible Fido and your soul dragged to the hotbox for eternity.

Speaking from experience, I'm not kidding. Only thank God…ahem, I should say Castiel, I received a Get-Out-Of-Jail free card. More on that in the next lesson.

…..also, you should look out for any unusual personality change, but only in the more extreme.

No, I don't mean the conflicting love triangle between the kid you have a crush on and your best friend. It'll be more like if your crush is a care-free loving person and then suddenly goes off the deep end, like, say, goes on a murder spree.

Changes like that usually indicate a demon.

Just remember they do this for kicks, so there is no "negotiating" with them. You got that Kevin Spacey? But you can so get them back.

Now it's time for weapon detail.

First and foremost you need Salt. (Yep, remember the condiment in chapter one.) As I've said, these guys are like Ghosts and, believe it or not, salt repels spirits. Make a line of salt along your windowsills, around your doors, and it will keep them at bay (…of course, IRON works too!). They CANNOT cross over them, no matter how much they try. Plus, I hear that they do make certain Pepper Sprays out of Sodium molecules. Ha, that'll teach the bitch. Spray them with it and they'll back off quick as if you just called out "I have the Plague".

However, they are sneaky. So it might be best to keep a canister of Holy Water on you. This stuff hurts like fuck if you're a Hell Bitch. Holy Water is and always has been a way of testing whether someone is a demon. Remember the tests the boys performed on the unsuspecting date in Lost Boys? Hey, it may not have worked on a vamp, but it sure does with a demon. Or you can always just let slip "Christo". It means "Christ" in Latin, and a demon will either flinch or their eyes blacken.

Best have that Holy Water available if you do that, otherwise you're in deep shit at that particular moment if the demon reveals itself.

Alright, now if you do happen to cross a demon, don't panic. This is where you'll need a good pair of running shoes and a marker.

Have you ever heard of something called the "Key of Solomon"?

No?

That's okay, I figured as much.

The Key of Solomon, or as my surrogate father Bobby Singer would say, is a "Satanic Roach Motel". Demons check in, but they don't check out. In Laymen's terms, it's a "Devils Trap". This is a unique symbol made in the form of a Pentagram -with distinct markings and sigils inside.

[Insert Drawing Here]

You draw this puppy under a floormat, above a door on the ceiling, under a car (my personal favorite), anywhere you can think of that's less conspicuous; and once a demon crosses into one, they're completely and totally STUCK! No getting out, unless you damage the lines. Inside this Hebrew-original pictogram, the demons' powers are innocuous. They can't harm you (unless it's the bigger guys), but you can harm them.

Plus, you might want to draw some form of the little design on your body. It can save you from possession. Either a trinket or charm will work. But if you want to go with the safer and cooler way: get it tattooed. Just like a condom, it's 99.99 % effective.

Take it easy. Don't go drawing little pentagrams everywhere including the sidewalks –you don't want to get the neighbors talking. But also you don't want to tip these guys off, because they can break the line before they step into them once they're aware. Or if they're badass like Meg, they can conjure up some hidden mojo and break the line from inside.

So once you've captured your demon, it's time to send their sorry ass back to Hell. This is where you'll need your spiffy Latin skills. In order to do the job properly, you have to read off a certain passage –correctly, which means pronunciation. This passage also contains the power to draw the spirit out of the body and send them out of this realm and into the next. But you've gotta do it quick, otherwise they'll get pissed, and find a way to snap your neck in under 0.3 seconds. Okay? No pressure!

Here, read off this, and you'll be A-Okay:

Exorcizamus te, omnis immundus spiritus omnis satanica potestas, omnis incursio infernalis adversarii, omnis legio, omnis congregatio et secta diabolica.

Humiliare sub potenti manu dei, contremiscue et effuge, invocato a nobis sancto et terribili nomine, quem inferi tremunt Ut inimicos sanctae.

Ecclesiae humiliare dignere, te rogamus, audi nos.

It's a mouth full for sure. And the first time you read through it, it'll sound more like you've got peanut-butter stuck in your molars, but have no fear my friends. That's why they have Hooked on Phonics!

You have to keep in mind you don't want your demon hanging around inside the magic circle for too long. So it's wise to have mastered that tongue-twister before you trap one. Because if you fail, and they escape? …well, need I go on?

You get the gist, right? Pulled Pork will look a lot better than you at that present time. ;)

Alright, to close the lesson for the day, let's make sure you have your Salt, your on-hand Latin tutor, the "Key of Solomon" postered on your wall, a nifty demon metal-detector, and a pair of good running shoes; and you're set!

Good luck

Oh and one more thing:

Madebyme: I'd love to see that bravado slip for a second, for us a see a glimmer of what's underneath that game-face!

Dear M:

In this day and age, it's not beneficial to me if I let that bravado slip. Don't you think I've cried enough? *smiley face*

Next Lesson: Angels…. Dicks!