Hallo all, hope you had a good Valentine's day. I went and saw 50 Shades with some friends. It was alright, quite funny when picturing Edward Cullen and Bella Swan as the characters. Just a reminder, the subject of self harm is going to be throughout this story and it starts in this chapter. This subject can be quite hard on people and if you're uncomfortable with the subject, please don't continue reading! I do not want this is be a trigger for anymore. Later in this story Hermione will get help for this problem and if any one of you is struggling with this problem, you should get help soon. As a struggling self harmer for six years, I've been there. The good times, the bad times, the painful ones. But it does get better.
~Rowling owns this wonderful world we all wish we lived in~
The month of August passes by quickly. September 1st was the next day and I'm running around the house, making sure everyone's things are in order. It's not that I was afraid I'd forget something, I was just afraid they would.
"Hermione! We packed for Hogwarts just fine when you weren't around." Ginny laughs. Ginny, Ron, and Harry were sitting in the drawing room, near the fire. Ron and Harry were playing Wizard's Chess and Ginny kept looking over Harry's shoulder. Trying to get him to win.
"Stop cheating!" Ron whines as Ginny convinces Harry to move his piece a certain way. I glance into the room, look around frantically, and then back out. "Hermione! Come in and sit with us!" Ron calls for me. I bite my lip, knowing if I don't, he'll get angry.
"But guys, I feel like we're missing something! Did you all pack your-" Before I could even ask, they all bellow a "Yes!" towards me. I frown but accept my defeat and sit next to Ron on the floor. He smiles and rests a hand on my knee, squeezing it a bit too hard. I bite my lip to prevent myself from cringing.
Who was this Hermione I had become? I wonder. I never used to be this way. I was never so dependent on everyone around me. Sure there were times when I was afraid, but then I'd rationalize and realize there was nothing to be truly afraid of. So why? Why did I become this scared and timid girl. I was eighteen, no longer a child. By wizard law, I was an adult, so why had I gone backwards instead of forwards?
I'm lying on my back. The floor beneath me is neither hard nor soft, It's just there. To my left there's a giant window letting in the faint sunlight from outside. At my feet there are bystanders standing there. Watching. An older woman with black hair stares at me with a blank expression. A younger male stands next to her. He had pale blonde hair, and even paler skin, A pain suddenly emerges on my left forearm and I cry out. Tears sting my eyes and my voice echoes, bouncing off the walls of the once quiet room. A thin woman sits on top of me, holding me down. Screaming horrible words at me, calling me unmentionable names. I cry harder but no one is there to save me. No one.
That night I stare and face my mirror. The Weasley's and Harry had already said goodnight, we'd have an early morning tomorrow. But I could not sleep, woken up by nightmares of that day at Malfoy Manor. I cringe now, just thinking about it.
In the mirror, I am paler than normal. Which is strange since it was the end of summer. But my pale skin is stretched across thin arms and legs. I was losing more weight: From stress, from nerves, from being too tired to want to leave my bed. Take your pick. Without my shirt hiding away my skin, I pass my fingertips over my collarbones, my hip bones, my ribcage. I was nearly a walking skeleton. Would I ever be better?
Stupid little mudblood, Bellatrix Lestrange spits in my face as she carves into my skin. Stupid ungrateful girl, Ron mutters as he shakes me harder. I flinch. Never had I felt so alone.
Harry had Ginny. Ginny had Harry. My parents were still off in Australia and I didn't even know where to start looking for them. And Ron, Ron was already part of the problem. So why couldn't I just break things off with him? He needs you Hermione. He's gone through so much. He is still going through so much. These are the things my reflection tells me. I frown but nod my head. Agreeing with the sullen girl staring back at me.
But what about me? I'm hurting too. These are the things I ask the mirror.
The girl smiles, very small. Just a quick flick of the corner of her mouth. And she picks up the thin razor blade that was hidden between the pages of her favorite book. A muggle book. A book wizards would never think to touch. You know what to do. You let yourself control the pain. The girl in the mirror is smart. So much smarter than the same girl standing in front of it. I inhale and exhale.
Touching the skin above my right hip, I run my fingers along the lines already marring my skin. The silvery scars, the scabby recent cuts. With the razor, I open up my flesh. Like I have done so many times already.
"Wake up, Hermione. Wake up." I could hear my name being called, a gentle hand shaking me awake lightly. I awake with a start, pulling the blankets up to my chest. Afraid the blood had seeped through, afraid someone would see what I did. Opening my eyes I see a veil of red hair, a pair of concerned brown eyes. Ginny.
"Sorry if I frightened you." She frowns. She takes a step back as I sit up.
"What time is it?" I ask as I rub the sleep from my eyes.
"Late!" Ginny says as if she had just remembered the reason she came into my room. Shit. I hop out of bed, letting Ginny know I'll only be a minute. She nods and leaves. When the door shuts behind her, I lock it. Pulling out a pair of faded jeans, I slip them on and tuck the bottoms into my boots. Lifting off my night shirt, I toss it to the ground and examine my skin.
Above my hip, blood had smeared and crusted over. It was a mess and I hastily clean it up, bandaging it quickly. Throwing on a simple t-shirt, I pull my jacket on over that and manage to get my hair into a decent bun on the top of my head. I didn't look too terrible. Just tired, but I was always tired.
I leave the comforts of my bedroom behind and head downstairs towards the kitchen. "There she is!" Harry grins at me as I slip onto the bench.
"Sorry! I didn't sleep well last night." I say quickly grabbing a piece of toast with jam.
Ron looks concerned, I try not to cringe. "Why?" I shrug as I bite into the toast.
"Not too sure. Probably a combination of nightmares and being nervous about today." I force a laugh and hope the subject will drop. I hated talking about my nightmares, no matter who I was talking to. It works since he doesn't say anything more. The group of us sit in a comfortable silence for a few moments until I jump up.
"Come on! We don't want to be late. Let's go!" With every move I make, pain sears up my side. I ignore it though. Just like I always ignored the pain from my arms.
Our belongings were already in the drawing room so we all head over to our things and take a hold of them. "Bye Kreacher!" We all yell out.
"Please keep the house in order!" Harry calls.
"Be nice to George!" I remind the house elf.
"Don't touch my room!" Ron groans.
"We'll miss you!" Ginny giggles, so she wasn't left out. Kreacher moseys into the room, looking nearly relieved that we were leaving. I didn't blame him, we were a rowdy bunch at times. It was part of our charm, at least that's what I tried to tell myself.
And with that, the group of us apparate to King's Cross Station.
Platform 9 ¾, it was strange to be back but still so wonderful. Ron, Harry, and I find a compartment quickly. Ginny says she'd see us later, kisses Harry a quick peck on the lips, and goes off to find her friends.
I look out the window, watching young students saying their goodbyes to their parents. I missed when life was so simple, before Hogwarts and magic. "You okay 'Mione?" Harry's voice fills the room. I look away from the window.
I smile. "Just remembering our first years." I laugh. "We never had it easy, did we?"
"You were such a snob." Ron laughs, retelling and mimicking my voice when we first met on the Hogwarts train seven years ago. I stick my tongue out at him.
"Uhm, let's not forget who was a git to me and made me so upset I spent my entire day in the girl's lavatory!" I exclaim.
Harry cringes. "Oh, geez. Remember when I stuck my want up that troll's nose?" We laugh and reminisce as the train pulls away.
"A school year without worrying about Voldemort threats, games that could kill us, and soul sucking dementors. I surely hope it isn't too boring." I laugh. Ron moves his bag, unintentionally hitting the night old cuts on my skin. For you Hermione, it won't be.