Ch 3. Hot And Dry (Ashley's Fire)

I rap on the door again. I know she's there. I can hear her breathing. I rap again. I'm hesitant to speak. I don't want to frighten her. She is not my enemy ship. She is my Daphne.

"Spencer," I say with a crackle. I know she's standing there. I can feel her heart beat. Coursing out a rhythm. It's popping fast. I rap a little louder. "Spencer honey." I say.
I wish I knew what she was feeling. I wish she would open the door to me. Did her blood boil when I said it? Mine did.

"Spencer, open the door please." I whine, "I want to see you." I do. I really want to be on the other side. Inside your purgatory. In side your agony. One I created, or at least fueled.

But it is not my place to push. So I stand here.

I stand with my fists clenched. Teeth gritted. Gritted, because I don't trust to open my mouth. I don't trust my open mouth. Or the wind that would gush from it. Pushing this distance forward.

My heart is pounding. A tiger trapped in a cage. It wants so to bleed for you. But I cant make you let it.

But I want to try.

I crack on the door. "Spencer," barely a whisper. Let me be your Apollo.

I hear the door unlock. First the sliding lock. Then the dead bolt. They lock again. Rage streams through my body. I hear the sliding lock undo again, and then the dead bolt. And they lock once more. A spark in me ignites as I hear the ritual for a third time.

I want to explode. Yell out all the things I'm sorry for. To place a mask on her face and rush her away from the toxic fumes. But I just stand. I am no lion. Merely a salamander. I am no where and she is everything. She is trapped. The room has long since flashed over. I wasn't there. How could I have been so stupid? I danced with the devil and all I have is hell to pay.

Don't flee from me. Punish me, Pandora, for stealing but do not let her flee. Dancing shadows play across the screen in my minds eye. My thievery. A plaguing demon. I stole from you. You're precious time. And now I stand alone. Embers dying. I want to be in with you. No longer standing out side the blaze. My souls rhythm is a crackle and pop. I hold my breath. Open your door to me.

My souls inferno rages as I hear her shutter from the other side. For the forth time the doors unlock. All is still.

I can no longer sense her. I cant hear her breathing. I cant feel her pulse against the wooden door.

I place a hand on the handle. Take a deep breath and turn.

There is a burning in my eyes and in my throat. She is an angel. Sitting slightly turned away from the door. Facing the hearth. I fight back the tears hard.

She's broken. Did I break her? I'm not sure. I mean, I surely didn't help. I wasn't there when she needed me. I ran away like a woodland creature from the brush fire. Fairy tales and happy endings over.

I let her down.

I walked slowly across the room. Everything is different than I remember. Slightly more organized. Perfect straight patterns triangles and squares.

I sit across from her. She says nothing. Fidgets. Pokes at the flames. Pokes at my heart. I want to grab her hold her. Tell her everything. But I cant move.

The tension in the room is growing to volcanic proportions. I know she wants to speak. Ask me why I'm here. Yell at me maybe. The red in her face turns to green and then blue.

I don't know if its anger or relief or sickness. Whatever it is, it's intense.

What am I doing here? I don't even know myself. Why did I come? The heat of the moment told me it was a good idea. Now I'm here I can't leave. Gods know I've done that enough to last a life time.

The cats got my tongue and all I can do is look at her. Long for her. She moves suddenly and it startles me out of my thoughts.

"Would you like a glass of water?" She asks. "You're throat must be getting dry from all the things you'll never say."

Where's she going?

Do I follow her?

The bedroom.

In the bedroom.

I cant go in there.

I don't want to.

Too many memories.

She slams the door, again drawing me from my mind.

Why am I still sitting here?

I sigh. Slump back in my chair. Watch the tiny embers die in to nothingness. Black soot resting on the red brick.

A breeze blows in, chills me, breaths final life in the remaining embers. And I remember our first night here.

"Spencer are you sure we cant wait for the landlord to come?"

"Yes."

"I think he'd be better equipped to do this."

"Hun your doing just fine. You just brush around and put the crap in a bucket."

"But Spencer its dirty."

"Well Ash it is a chimney." I remember her giggling. Me throwing last seasons muck at her.

"You would think," I remember the discontent in my voice, "they would have cleaned this thing out last spring."

"Is it that bad?" She had called from the bedroom. Somehow, she was unpacking clothes while I was unpacking grime.

"Spencer, it's like a black hole in here. Do I really have to do this today?"

"Well, you don't have too. Of course, we don't have to curl up by a fire and watch All About Eve."

I huffed at the suggestion.

"Singing in the Rain?" She asked. I remember grumbling at the thought. "What'd you say babe I couldn't hear you?"

She came bouncing out of the bedroom wearing nothing but a silk red shirt and black boxers. I remember getting dizzy, but not knowing if it was from the fumes or her.

"You know," she said whipping my face, "We could just watch Lady and the Tramp."

I playfully smacked her with the rag on my shoulder. She squealed and ran to the kitchen.

"Clean that up babe, and I'll put the popcorn on the stove."

"Why did I get put on soot duty?"

"Cause you don't know how to organize the closet. And grime looks better on you."

"Oh that's it Ms. Carlin," I remember running into the kitchen and chasing her around the table.

"Ash, Ash" she pleaded, laughter mixed with fear. But a safe fear. It made sense to me.

"No Ash, I just had a shower."

"Well you're going to need another one by the time I'm done with you."

"Ash, your making a mess."

"You're a mess."

"Nu uh!"

"Uh huh!" I chased her to the living room. She had kept running. I was too slow. She barricaded herself in the bedroom. Locking the door behind her.

"I'm not letting you in until you're finished brooding over the fireplace."