Will (Chapter 3)
When I began falling for Jane, I never imagined there could ever be anything more than friendship between us. I knew that if Jane ever began to look at me the way I did her, an epic battle of Jane's will would ensue; an epic battle that would result in her denying herself the happiness of being with someone like me. What I didn't imagine was that my own will would enter the equation as well. What I wanted from Jane allowed me the saint-like patience to wait for it.
…
"Isles," I answered.
"Maur, you got a second?" Jane's voice was something I longed to hear throughout the day. If we weren't working a case and didn't see each other, I'd find myself wishing she would call.
"Of course, where are you?" I asked, hoping close by.
"At my desk. I didn't want to disturb you if you were working on something," Jane responded.
Something that never ceased to amaze me about Jane was how considerate she was. I first noticed it with Frost. When he couldn't handle a crime scene, Jane would find something else for him to do and announce as much so that he didn't have to ask.
"You wouldn't be disturbing me, Jane, but if you must know, I'm not working on anything at the moment."
"Were you looking at shoes again?" Jane inquired with the hint of flirting that was ever present in our conversations.
"Get down here," I huffed.
Click.
Jane was on her way. It wouldn't take Jane long to ride the elevator to the lab, just long enough for me to consider what was really behind my 'get down here' statement. It wasn't simply a way of getting Jane to stop teasing me about my interest in shoes. I wanted to see Jane. I wanted more than that, but when I told Jane I would be here when she was ready, I meant precisely that. I will be here if and when Jane gives in to her stalwart will. I was hoping for when rather than if.
"Hey," Jane said while leaning against my office doorway.
"Hi, Jane," I said as I admired her tall, dark frame. I blushed a bit when I noticed she was watching me look her up and down. "Did you have a question about a case?"
"Oh…umm…no," Jane stammered.
Jane was many things, confident among them, yet around me she didn't have to be. It had taken some time for Jane to realize she could show that she was vulnerable, scared, and at times as insecure as the rest of us. I couldn't tell if in this moment she was being insecure, wanting to speak to me personally, not professionally, or both.
"Jane?" I questioned.
"May I come in?"
When I nodded, Jane walked in and closed the door behind her. That simple act caused my heart to begin a rapid ascent. We rarely required the privacy of a closed door while at work. In the bullpen where Jane's desk sat, we would speak in hushed tones if we didn't want the other detectives to hear us. In my office, no one could hear us to begin with.
"What you said, about me being ready," Jane began as she walked closer to my desk.
"Yes?" I couldn't believe we were having this discussion so soon. When I told her I'd be here when she was ready, I expected it to take a great deal of time. It had been mere days.
"I…I'm not," Jane said. Jane sat at the edge of my desk, just inches from where I was in my chair.
"Oh," I uttered. Jane's admission slowed my heart rate considerably.
"Can I ask…" Jane started as she placed her hand gently on my right shoulder, our eyes never losing contact. "…Does this mean that you are?"
"I am ready for whatever you are willing to give even if that is simply the friendship we have," I answered.
"You would be okay with that?" Jane asked.
Jane's eyes were pleading with mine for further explanation. I could sense her hesitance and thought I may have heard a tinge of disappointment in her voice. I reached my hand up to place it over her hand that was still resting on my shoulder.
"If I'm honest with you, I may scare you away," I said gently.
"I'm not going anywhere, Maur."
"I am ready for whatever you are willing to give. If that is the friendship we already have and that is all you can give, I would have to be okay with that because I want you in my life," I said, never taking my eyes off Jane's.
"But?"
"I want more," I whispered, dropping my eyes to my lap.
"Please look at me," Jane pleaded. I couldn't resist, I needed to know if this could be something or if Jane's will would continue to deny her the ability to be happy.
"I do, too. I'm just not ready."