I was ranting in a rage as I complained to Dave, Jay and Bob who can't stop laughing. "If it wasn't you, you would admit it was funny."
"It's not funny. "You know why it happened? Karma you don't hit on drunken girls. It's not right."
"Why did you even let her drive in the first place?"
I huffed "Because I wasn't thinking straight. You got me so revved up about" I lower my voice and whisper "having sex" returning to my normal voice "that I didn't use my brain. They explode with laughter. "Keep laughing, because this is over."
"Easy. No it's not. We just need a new approach. How about... and I know this sounds crazy... we set him up with girls that haven't been drinking heavily?" I was beginning to think that Dave was the sensible one out of all the guys I worked with.
"I want to meet a nice girl. Maybe even someone I actually like. I am not an animal. I do not want to prey on people. I want to find someone who will like me for who I am."
"First of all I think that's a mistake but if that's what you want, then we are gonna have to make some changes with you, some real changes." Jay took me out during lunch to in his words 'prep me for what is to come'
We went to the hair salon where I got my hair layered and feathered to give it a bit more volume, I bought make-up and was shown how to apply it. A bikini wax... we won't go there, I even got a whole new wardrobe with some savings.
Jay, Dave and I were walking to get coffees. "You look good Spencer" a compliment indeed from Jay.
"Yeah better than good, oddly good" Dave chimes in.
"Now you need just to learn how to talk to women."
I get nervous and I lock up. I never know what to say." I sighed I might of changed my look but I can't change me.
"The key is, you don't say anything, make them talk. Ask them questions."
"What if they ask me a question?"
"Then answer their question with a question, it makes you seem mysterious. You talk too much about yourself, you look needy. Put them on the spot."
We walk past a pretty blonde in her mid-twenties staring at me through the window but when I look at her she blushes and returns to putting books on a shelf.
Dave gave me a nudge "Go give it a test run."
I go inside and approach the blonde woman looking at her badge, which says Beth on it. She turns and sees me. "Can I help you?"
I take a deep breath question with question "I don't know. Can you?"
She smiles "Are you looking for something?"
I try to maintain my cool exterior even though I was nervous as hell "Is there something I should be looking for?"
She is instantly put on the spot for the first time in my life I actually have the upper hand. "We got a lot of great new books in. It depends on what you like?"
"What do you like?"
"Me? I don't know." She shrugged "To tell you the truth, I don't read much. So I can recommend a book but I would just be... bullshitting."
"Well thanks for not bullshitting me...?" I pause for her name.
"Beth. And what's your name?"
"It's Spencer."
She smiles "Don't tell on me, Spencer"
"I won't unless you want to be told on?"
I grin and walk out of the bookshop the other following behind me they clearly snuck in to listen.
"That was incredible it felt good, not having to talk much. I like her but... she can't be the one. Cause it will be bad with the first one. What if I want to... make her my girlfriend? She won't do that if it's... terrible." I sigh
"Now she wants a girlfriend? I like this. We're making some progress boys!"
-x-
I'm cleaning up my apartment when the doorbell rings I answer the door to see Dave on the other side. I couldn't hide my shocked face I mean how he would find out where I lived.
"It's on the staff list at work. What, you're not going to invite me in?"
I step to the side letting him and his large plastic bag he is carrying through.
"I just came by because I was thinking it seems like you have kind of shut yourself down... sexually speaking and I wanted to help you open yourself up again." He shook the bag at me.
"I don't know. I am not into that."
"What? No. Are you serious?" he reached into the bag I was unsure what he was going to pull out to my relief it was just a DVD. "I just brought some movies and stuff over that I thought would help you... re-energize that side of yourself." He put the DVD's in my hands one by one telling me the titles and which ones were good for what and what happened.
I started to zone out as more and more DVD's came out of the bag "This is good, huh?"
To be honest I didn't know what to say I was just really uncomfortable I took the DVDs off the table and hand them back to Dave. "I think you should go now. I am getting very uncomfortable."
"Spencer you are like all of these little collectibles you save" he goes into my workout room taking down a limited edition Faith doll still in its packaging. "You are all sealed up, in the original packaging. You've never let your true self out."
He opens up the box much to my dismay "You are not supposed to open that!"
"Yes you are, so you can play with it don't wind up like dolly here. You stay in the box too long and you'll shut people out"
He leaves the apartment and I close the door on him not wanting to listen any more.
I plonked down onto the couch letting my eyes close thinking back to how it came to this.
-x-
Jay, Bob, Dave and I were walking from our cars to the restaurant they told me to meet them at, I see the huge banner hanging on the building which says, "Welcome Speed Daters."
"Speed dating? I don't know guys"
It's just like regular dating, but you eliminate all of the fat like the talking and the waiting for the lights to come on to see if she's good looking."
"You get two minutes with each girl. You meet twenty girls in forty five minutes. It would take you a year to meet that many women."
"I'm scared. I don't do well under pressure." I sigh thinking back to senior year.
"Just do what I told you to do. Ask them questions. Put them on the spot. You have a better chance of getting them to like you if they are feeling awkward and insecure about themselves. When it's over you tell them which girls you like, they tell you if any of those girls want to get to know you better. And if there are any matches you guys exchange phone numbers or emails. I'm not sure."
"Do you think this will work?"
"Any girl who does this must be desperate, so you're in with a chance. We'll be over at the bar"
I sit down at a table nervously listen to the instructions then the buzzer goes off and the nightmare starts.
"Hi, my name is Spencer. What's your name?" I say robotically.
"My last girlfriend was a cheating asshole. I hope you're not like that."
"I don't think I am."
"I am just sick of the bullshit."
The buzzer goes off and she disappears, she was a bitter one I hope they're not all like that.
Now I find myself talking to a woman with tons of scary looking tattoos.
"I find tattoos to be beautiful. I like art."
"I guess you could say I am addicted. Girls like to kiss me, but they get really into kissing Satan." She reveals a tattoo of the devil on her upper chest.
Oh dear god this is worse than I thought it would be the rest of the women just flashed by.
The next girl sits down. "Do you like oral sex?"
"By oral do you mean... phone sex?" I raised an eyebrow
Buzzer.
A bible loving girl sat down "I guess I love Jesus. I don't not love him."
Buzzer.
"I think I am kind. I am not mean. Oh, you want me to be mean?" I shrugged this was getting me nowhere.
Buzzer.
I think marijuana is fine. If you like it. I am not a regular smoker. I smoked it two times, about eleven years ago. Actually someone forced me to smoke it. By force."
Buzzer.
"No, I have not had sex with two girls at the same time. Not two."
Buzzer.
"I don't care if you have been to prison. As long as you learned your lesson."
Buzzer.
"I like to cuddle. I think."
Buzzer.
"Do I snore? I don't know. How would you know?"
Buzzer.
"I like riding bikes. I ride my bike to work. I don't have a car."
The woman gets up and leaves.
"Are you okay?" I ask genuinely concerned
Buzzer.
"I don't hit people, even if they do like it. I would feel weird about that. But I am not judging."
Final buzzer.
The guys are walking to their cars and I'm walking my bike along with them.
"That was a good group. Eleven had big boobs. Four had good boobs and five had small boobs. Overall a nice turnout, what did you think, Spence?"
I can barely talk I'm so flustered from the experience. "That was... too much. Too fast. Very fast. Didn't like it, I'm gonna go home."
-x-