Everyone's Not Dead. It'd Be Silly If Everyone Were Dead.
A Ragican Fanfic
By Winnebagels
Chapter 3 – Nottingham
*Hollow, Rage, Peace, Fred, and Henry walk into Nottingham, only to find it overrun by alien soldiers and battle mechs. They stick to the shadows and sneak into the nearest unlocked building. A voice calls out to them from the darkness.*
Larry – Who's there? Don't try looting. My gun is cocked and ready to blow at any second.
Rage – Hehe that's what he said.
Hollow – Well of course that's what he said dingus. We all just heard him say it.
Rage – No I meant it like a sex thing.
Hollow – Oh
Rage – Yeah
Hollow – It wasn't really funny.
Rage – Fuck you man at least I'm trying to lighten the mood.
Hollow – I don't think we need to lighten the mood, I think we need to stop running in and out of dangerous situations.
Rage – I'm Hollow. I'm always serious. I don't laugh at funny things. I only speak in monotone.
Larry – I don't know what's going on here but if you lot could leave my house now so I don't have to shoot you, that'd be splendid.
Hollow – One second buddy. Shut up Josh. I'm calming. I can show emotion if I want to.
Larry – You have three seconds to get out of my house.
Rage – Yeah you have great range, the range of serious "I'm playing Dota" voice to slightly more serious "I'm failing at Dota" voice.
Larry – 3
Hollow – You're an asshole.
Larry – 2
Rage – An asshole with pitch and tone.
Larry – 1
Evanz – Rage! Hollow! Its ok Larry you can put the gun down, I know these guys. Jesus am I happy to see you two! It's me Evanz! Peace! Fred! Random new guy! You're here too!
*Larry begrudgingly puts the rifle down on the kitchen table and heads back into the living room.*
Henry – It's Henry. My name is Henry.
Hollow – Evanz! What are you doing here man? You don't live in Nottingham. Do you?
Peace – Really? I could've sworn it was Harry.
Rage – He lives in Wales.
Henry – It can be Harry if you want it to be Harry. Do you want it to be Harry?
Hollow – No he used to live in Wales. Now he lives, somewhere else.
Peace – I don't really care one way or the other.
Rage – Really? Where do you go to get your sheep fix man? God the cold sweats must be unbearable.
Henry – Oh ok.
Evanz – Fuck you too Rage. No Hollow I don't live in Nottingham. And no Rage I don't diddle sheep.
Peace – Good talk though.
Rage – The first step to curing your addiction is to admit that you have a problem.
Henry – Yeah! Good talk Henry!
Hollow – Hahaha I am so sorry Evanz.
Fred – What's going on?
Evanz – Yeah I can tell.
Henry – Nothing! Nothing and no one!
Hollow – So you still didn't answer me. What are you doing in Nottingham?
Evanz – Well you know my Ni No Kuni Let's Play?
Hollow – Yeah…yeah totally. I love that one so sooo much. It's uh really really great. Right Josh? Isn't it just the best?
Rage – What's the best? Game Of Thrones? Yeah it's amazing. But I'm done with the spoilers I promise. Just don't hit me again. It stings.
Hollow – No I meant Evanz's Ninny Kunny Let's Play. You know that one that we watch all the time?
Rage – Oh, oh yeah. That Nine Counties thing is my shit.
Evanz – You don't watch my videos do you?
Hollow – No.
Rage – I didn't even know you were on YouTube.
Evanz – I hate all of you.
Rage – You're a you.
Hollow – So wait, what's your Dragon's Dogma Let's Play got to do with you being in Nottingham?
Evanz – It's not my Dragon's Dogma – Never mind it's not worth explaining. Well basically it got to the point where only two or three people were watching per video so I decided it'd be easier to just go to their houses and play through the rest of it with them, one-on-one.
Hollow – Wait what?
Evanz – That way I can upload more Skate 3 content.
Rage – Seems like a lot of work to me. You should've just left them there with the lingering half promise that you'll get around to it again once everything settles down.
Hollow – Am I seriously the only one who has a healthy relationship with their fan base?
*Henry rubs his hands across Peace's face.*
Peace – I don't know what you're on about.
*Rage puts the plush doll of him in his minecraft skin back into his shirt pocket.*
Rage – Look it helps me sleep at night ok? Get off my back!
Fred – I don't have any fans.
Hollow – Disgusting, the lot of you. So Evanz you really mean to tell me that you're just sitting here in the middle of an alien apocalypse giving a personalized play through of a game to a complete stranger?
Evanz – Well sometimes I get on #livingchat too.
Peace – They're still on?
Evanz – Oh you know that lot. It's going to take more than an alien invasion to kill chat.
Peace – Apparently.
Hollow – Can you at least leave? We're making our way to London.
Fred – What's a living chat?
Evanz – Yeah we're just on the last level. It'd go a lot faster but I only play in twenty-minute bursts out of habit. One more night oughta do it. Depending on if I get the last ten wand upgrades or not.
Peace – It's a stream thing. You wouldn't understand.
Hollow – Fine. We'll stay the night here. Does your sub at least have any food?
Henry – I understand! Henry understands!
Evanz – Yeah almost all of my subs are closet hoarders. So there's loads. Feel free to help yourselves.
Fred – Good for you Henry.
Hollow - Fantastic! Does he have any Early Grey? Or does he just have chamomile?
Henry – I wasn't talking to you Peace stealer!
Evanz – Oh sorry Hollow, Larry doesn't have any tea. He's allergic.
Hollow – Allergic? What to tea? No way in Hell. That cheap lying bastard.
Rage – Actually Hollow it's totally possible to be allergic to tea. Trust me, I went to uni.
Hollow – Take your uni and shove it up your ass.
Rage – Woah Hollow you ok there man?
Hollow – No I'm not ok. I haven't had tea since we went to get breakfast. After you woke up. At 4 in the afternoon.
Rage – No I woke up at 3. I just didn't get out of bed until 4.
Evanz – Hahah oh my God Rage you're so lazy.
Rage – Hey I need sleep if I'm going to keep this face absolutely flawless.
Peace – Right well good luck with that.
Rage – Shut up man.
Henry – No you shut up. I'll cut you.
Evanz – Cool it guys. Fighting isn't going to get us anywhere.
Rage – No you know what, I'm getting tired of him and his incessant fanboying. Bring it you creep.
Peace – You're only mad because he's not fanboying over you.
Rage – So what? I'm still tired of it.
*Rage and Henry pick up knives from the kitchen counter and begin to circle each other.*
Larry – HEY EVANZ! CAN YOU COME BACK HERE?
*Rage lunges at Henry.*
Evanz – YEAH LARRY I'LL BE RIGHT THERE. Hollow you're in charge.
*Henry blocks the advance and side swipes Rage's legs.*
Hollow – No. Tea.
*Rage trips up and starts to fall.*
Evanz – What's the problem Larry?
*Rage flails wildly and catches the nape of Henry's shirt, pulling it down as he goes.*
Larry – I'm just confused is all. Why are we fighting Esther? I thought she was one of the good guys.
*Henry slams his head against the kitchen counter.*
Evanz – Well it's late game so a lot of the twists and turns are finally coming to light. For instance, it's revealed that Mr. Drippy was brokenhearted for the whole game and the only reason we didn't notice it was because of his incredibly debilitating speech impediment. That's why almost all of the advice he ever gave us was completely worthless. Also Swaine is The White Witch's soul mate. That's why nobody ever gets her jokes. It makes perfect sense really.
*Henry rolls off of the kitchen counter and falls into a heap on the ground, his nose broken and his face bloodied.*
Larry – yeah ok but that still doesn't tell me why we're beating up Esther. Is she working for Shadar or something?
*Rage pins Henry to the linoleum floor.*
Evanz – Oh no it's nothing that forgivable. She likes Philip. That guy's a complete douche.
*Rage drives his knee into Henry's ribcage.*
Larry – But she's never said anything good about Philip.
*Henry punches Rage as hard as he can in the testicles.*
Evanz – And she's never said anything bad about him either. Once you get done teaching her a lesson try casting gateway. If you're ever stuck in a boss battle, just cast gateway and it'll work itself out.
*Rage slides to the side, squeaking in anguish.*
Larry – Wow! That worked like a charm! A permanent increase of 5,000 more manna for all teammates! Good call Evanz! You have definitely just earned yourself a rating of "pretty ok, lolz" for this play through.
*Henry leans over Rage, holding his knife at Rage's throat.*
Evanz – Score!
*Henry looks up at Peace, awaiting gladiatorial verdict.*
Peace – meh
Rage – Dude!
*Henry smiles from ear to bloody ear.*
Rage – Hollow! Hollow handle it! Quick!
Hollow - …allergic to tea…bollox…that man's a detriment to society…
Rage – Holllowwww!
*A flash of light rocks the building and knocks the sense back into Hollow.*
Hollow – Shit they must be bombing again. Henry get off of the man baby. Everybody out of the house. We're on the move. Evanz? Larry? You coming with?
Evanz – Sure! We're going to see Fluke right?
Hollow – …yeah. And running for our lives.
Evanz – Sounds like fun! Larry you coming?
Larry – Na I think I'm just gonna stay here and finish the game.
*Another flash of light burns a hole through the ceiling.*
Evanz – Can't say that I blame you. It's a pretty great story arc. Just remember to press attack some of the times and press defend some of the other times.
*The fire that started on the kitchen floor quickly spreads to the living room curtains.*
Larry – Look at you with all the insider strategies. You know if I had to pick one word to describe you, it'd be "professional". And if I had to pick a second word to describe you it'd be "hair". But the third word I'd pick would definitely be "loyal".
*The living room curtains are ablaze and fall onto the couch where Larry is sitting.*
Evanz – Well you know, you subs mean a lot to me.
*Evanz closes and locks the door behind him.*
Hollow – Alright where to?
Evanz – Well I already borrowed Larry's keys so I'm sure he won't mind if we borrow his car too.
Hollow – Great!
Rage – And I borrowed his gun. Quick, guess who I am.
*Rage spin jumps in the air screaming "360 no scope" until he hits the ground with his face.*
Hollow – An asshole?
Evanz – A virgin?
Peace – A maniac?
Henry – Haha good one Peace.
Fred – A big stupid jerkface?
Rage – Close. I was a COD player.
Hollow – Good for you.
Peace – You come up with that all by yourself?
Evanz – What's wrong with COD players?
Fred – Hey guys?
Peace – Not now Fred we're making fun of Rage.
Henry – And you smell bad. Not like vanilla. Peace smells like vanilla. Not you!
Fred – No offense but this is a little more urgent.
*A squadron of alien foot soldiers stands in front of them. Eyeing them wearily.*
Hollow – Quick Josh throw me the rifle. I can lay down a suppressing fire until we can move back behind this building.
Rage – Fuck you man get your own.
Peace – That doesn't even sound like you Hollow.
Hollow – I'm Batman.
Evanz – Batman doesn't use guns.
Hollow – I'm Batman who uses guns.
Henry – I'll do it. I'll take them on.
Rage – Yeah let Henry do it.
Peace – No Humphrey! It's too dangerous.
Rage – You've got to cut the cord some day Peace. Let baby birdy fly. Far away from me. Forever. Hurry before he changes his mind.
Henry – You're my hero Peace. Never forget me.
*Henry wipes the blood from his mouth and twirls both kitchen knives in his hands. He hums "How Could This Happen To Me" as he charges full tilt at the alien soldiers.*
Hollow – Shit son. That's intense.
Fred – I think he's tearing that guy's jugular out with that other guy's teeth.
Evanz – Oh God why is pissing on them a valid battle tactic?
Peace – I didn't even know bone broke that way.
Rage – psshaw I took out a battle mech yesterday. A whole battle mech. You guys really should've seen it when I took out that battle mech.
Evanz – Jesus that is not where hands go. THAT IS NOT WHERE HANDS GO!
Hollow – Should we, should we go? I mean I don't want to be an asshole about it but that kid scares me.
Peace – You've got a point there. Alright. BYE CHARLIE! THANKS FOR SAVING US AND JUNK! YOU'RE A GREAT FAN! DON'T WORRY I'LL CALL YOU! So where's that car of yours Evanz?
Evanz – It's just around the back. Oh God oh God I can see the heart still beating in his hands. I think I'm going to be sick.
*Rage, Hollow, Evanz, Fred, and Peace walk around the raging inferno of Larry's apartment to the garage. Evanz gets to his knees and loses his lunch in the rose bushes.*
Rage – Shit is that a Citreon? I don't wanna get in a Citreon.
Hollow – And why not?
Rage – It's a French car. It'll surrender halfway there.
Hollow – You're such an asshole Josh.
Rage – C'mon everyone's dying of laughter in their minds right now.
Peace – Ha. Ha. Ha.
*Evanz wipes the sick off of his face.*
Evanz – Shotgun. Dibs. Called it.
Hollow – Ok but I'm driving.
Peace – You drive like an old lady. I'd get there way faster.
Hollow – Well I guess it's too bad you didn't call driving then isn't it Peace?
Rage – You both drive like week old bear shit. Be a good boy Evanz and hand the keys to papa Rage.
Fred – I call not the trunk.
*Evanz gives the key over to Hollow with one hand and flips off Rage with the other.*
Hollow – Thanks Evanz.
Fred – Seriously guys I'm not spending another road trip in the trunk.
Rage – Real mature Evanz.
Evanz – Haha you're welcome.
Fred – It always smells like death and onions in the trunk
Rage – Can I at least pick the music?
Hollow – NO!
Rage – You never let me do anything fun.
Fred – Guys?
*Hollow, Evanz, Rage, Peace, and Fred pile into the Citreon DS. Rage volunteers Fred to ride in the trunk so that there's more room for the rifle. Hollow pulls out of the garage to the sounds of a now distant war cry and the whir of a battle mech's mounted machine gun.*