Author: Rebecca
Title: Before it's too late.
Rating: Rated M
Pairing: Bella and Edward. No vampires. AU
Disclaimer: See first parts.
AN: Oh-kay, here goes the next chapter.
iluv..twilight2: Yes, Edward thinks Bella cheated on him, and yes, the 'she' she's referring to is indeed Kate… as for the rest, everything will be clearer soon, but yeah, let's just say, communication is not Edward and Bella's strong suit! That's for sure! Thanks for the review! (sorry for the typo on your name but I don't know why, the board keep eating part of it every time I try to correct it :? I just don't get it!)
Jctypes: You're definitely on the right track, and Edward's relationship with Kate will be explained very soon! Things might not be as they looked like though! That's all I'm going to say for now! Thanks for reviewing as well!
LovelyLovelyLovely, hmm, who says she did anything, lol No, kidding, she might have done something, but like for Edward's relationship with Kate, things might be different than what they can look like at first glance! Thanks for reviewing this chapter, too! Hope you'll like this one as well, even if you might hate me by the end of it… but no worries, I'll make everything right… eventually!
Enjoy!
Chapter two
Twenty three minutes. He was already twenty three minutes late, Bella told herself as she looked for the umpteenth time at her watch.
Why wasn't she even surprised, huh?
What? Did she really think that just because he hadn't seen his daughter in three days it would be any different this time and he would make an effort to be here on time?
Yeah, sure… he had obviously things more important to do this morning than that, she thought once more, remembering the possibilities that not surprisingly all included his bleached siliconed bimbo.
Like always, she had tried to be more reasonable and not let the anger consume her. She had tried to find him every kind of excuses that wouldn't make him look like a 'bastard' who didn't seem to care about what he was doing to his daughter, but when she had seen her child, her face nearly glued to the window so that she wouldn't miss his arrival and her smile gradually fading because she didn't see him yet, it had definitely been more than she could take.
The little girl had been ready for what seemed like hours to her, and so she couldn't understand why her father wasn't there yet, and that was the instant Bella had felt like really killing him. Janelle didn't deserve to be kept waiting like this. Just like she didn't deserve to have to reconsider her position in her father's life and wonder if he hadn't forgotten about her, like Bella had heard her ask.
In all objectivity Bella knew that Edward could never forget about his daughter, he definitely loved her too much for that, but god, couldn't he see that his behavior was hurting her? She was too young to have to go through this and too young to understand it.
She hadn't stopped thinking about that ever since she had heard the question, and though she knew that Janelle wouldn't even remember having asked it once she would actually see her father, and even less resent him or anything, she couldn't be so forgiving herself, not when she had to witness her daughter's confused feelings firsthand.
And of course that didn't bode well for their imminent meeting. She wouldn't be surprised if they fought once more. That seemed to be the only thing they were able to do lately anyway, she reminded herself and already braced herself for what she knew was coming. And yet that didn't mean she liked it.
It had taken her some convincing but once she had promised her that she would call her as soon as Edward would be here, she had finally managed to make Janelle move from her spot behind the window, and she could only smile now as she saw her playing and talking with her dolls like nothing at all had happened.
It still impressed her though, to see that capacity she had to forget so easily about everything that could have upset her a minute ago when she should be used to it by now since after all, as far as she remembered, Janelle had always been that way. She wished she could be like that, too, sometimes, it would definitely make her life easier, she mused as she quietly closed the door to her daughter's bedroom and made her way downstairs, wondering what she could do with her time herself for now.
It didn't take her long to find the answer to that question though, when she reached the end of the stairs and saw what was waiting for her just in front of her.
The hallway opened directly over the living room, the two spaces being only separated by an arcade-type wall, and so it was kind of difficult to not see the mess that was that room. There were toys everywhere and knowing her daughter, it would require too much patience out of her to convince her to collect them up and bring them back upstairs, so there was no discussing who would have to do it if she didn't.
Well, at least it would occupy her mind until her dear husband finally decided to make an appearance, wouldn't it? she thought as she grabbed the large plastic box that served to keep the different playthings and started to fill it.
In the end, she actually occupied herself so well and she was so absorbed in her thoughts, that she didn't even hear the car parking in the driveway when Edward finally arrived, nor did she hear him entering noiselessly.
Reaching the door, Edward didn't even bother to knock or ring. He never did, he and Bella having decided from the beginning that it would be better that way so Janelle wouldn't really realize that her father wasn't living there any longer, and so he directly entered the house, ready to call out to Bella or his daughter, when he was stopped dead on his tracks as soon as he closed the door behind him and chanced a look in the lounge on his right.
'Holy cow' he exclaimed to himself, though the words didn't actually escape his mouth. 'What was she doing? Trying to kill him?'
There, her back turned to him and wearing nothing more than one of her very tight leggings and a blue top he didn't recognize yet, stood Bella bent at the waist and consequently giving him a very clear view of her perfect rear, as she was apparently busy picking up Janelle's toys that were scattered everywhere on the floor.
Guess he would have to thank his daughter for being so messy later for once, huh? he found himself thinking briefly as his eyes trained on her rounded bottom and he involuntarily licked his now very dry lips.
Yet all thoughts of her or of anything else left his mind the instant Bella moved a little closer and he caught the particular whiff that floated in the air. Vanilla and strawberry, oh, dear Lord.
Memories hitting him full force the second it reached his nostrils, an image of Bella pressed against the shower tile wall with him behind her thrusting into her tight body, with the mixed scent of strawberry and sex surrounding them everywhere, all of a sudden popped inside his head and he had to nearly bite his lip to the blood to stop himself from charging forward, or just groaning out loud.
Oh, god, how he wished he could just grab her hips in his hands and bring her to him and just…
"Uh… Hi!" abruptly pulled out of his reverie, Edward coughed and awkwardly said when Bella unexpectedly turned around and he realized that she had caught him staring at her. Or more precisely at her behind.
Not that the sight of her front was any less perturbing. Jeez, where had she gotten that top from?
Must be Janelle's, he concluded when he eyed the material that barely concealed her full breasts, because there was simply no way that teeny tight thing could be meant for an adult. No, simply no frigging way. And please, she didn't really think that she could go out for her run with only that on, right? For heaven's sake, if he concentrated enough he was sure that he could even see her nipples through that thing and her bra, and clearly distinguish the light brown color of their areolas.
But maybe he shouldn't concentrate so much, should he? Yeah, right, now go tell that to his eyes!
Oh, boy, couldn't he be more obvious? he suddenly thought as he heard Bella clear her throat and he finally brought his gaze up to her face.
She only stared at him during a few seconds, an eyebrow raised and without saying a word, but Edward was sure that his face wouldn't have been redder if his own daughter had caught him doing something he definitely shouldn't have. Not the best way to start this visit, wasn't it?
"You're late!" Bella eventually said for all greeting, wondering briefly if she was imagining things or if he had really been checking her out.
Yeah, sure, like that could happen now.
However that was quickly forgotten when she paid a little more attention to him and not to what he had been doing, her heart giving a not so unexpected start at the sight.
Good lord, why did he always have to look so hot and gorgeous? she thought as she took in his dark jeans, his white shirt, that did nothing to hide the well-defined chest that she knew lied beneath, and his leather jacket. Why was he even wearing that jacket when they were in May if it weren't to torture her, huh? She so knew that he was doing it on purpose just to remind her of what she had lost, it couldn't be any other way. She didn't even think he had looked that good when they were together. Well, obviously the separation suited him just fine, didn't it?
Unaware of her current thoughts, Edward looked at her wearily and sighed, all the excitation he had felt a minute ago draining from his body the instant he realized that this would definitely be one of those days where everything he did, or said, would only irritate her and lead to the same: another fight.
God, he was so tired of those, so tired of fighting with her and regretting it afterwards. Why couldn't they just have a normal conversation for once in a while, without cries, shouts or inevitably creating another scene? Was it too much to ask of them to be able to do so each time they saw each other, and not only when they were in Janelle's presence and they only behaved and stopped being at each other's throats for her sake?
Sometimes he thought it would be better if they didn't see each other at all or if he didn't come for a while, but then he thought about Janelle and he knew he couldn't survive without seeing her, or if he had to be apart from her for too long. Truth be told, he wasn't sure he could survive without seeing Bella either, but at least with Janelle he still had a choice in the matter. She was his daughter and he knew full well that no matter how much they could disagree on all the rest, Bella would never take that from him and she would never forbid him from seeing his child. Just like he knew she would always be more than happy to see him.
Some other times he also couldn't help but wonder where they would be now, he and Bella, if they hadn't had Janelle. At times it seemed to him that the only thing that still tied them together now was their daughter, so he thought it was legitimate to wonder if Bella would not completely refuse to see him if she weren't there. Would she still speak to him? Would they still be married despite the circumstances? Or would she just have already started over with her life, with someone else, if it weren't for their child? To be honest, even after all this time he wasn't sure yet about the answer to that question, but just thinking that she could have cast him away without a second thought if they had been the only ones involved was definitely too painful for him to consider it too frequently. That, and the fact that he didn't even know where he would be right now himself if it weren't for the love and comfort that having his daughter in his life brought him daily. He would have lost it a long time ago, certainly the minute he had lost Bella in fact, if it weren't for her. But he guessed that now was definitely not the time to dwell on that, not with the way Bella was looking at him right now.
"Don't start… I just got caught up in a… " Edward tried to pacify and tell her that he had been caught in a traffic jam in the way, to top everything else of course, but he quickly understood that Bella wouldn't have any of it this morning. So fight it would be. Yippee, just what he needed.
"Look, I don't care… save it, okay!" she stopped him and mumbled probably more harshly than she intended it to be, but she was really finding it too hard to deal with him considering the way he still made her feel each and every time she saw him, even after all this years and moreover so soon after her dream.
The more she avoided looking at him or talking to him then, the sooner she would forget about it or how good he had felt in her arms again even if it wasn't real, but she knew that to be able to do so she needed to put as much distance as possible between the two of them. Not that there wasn't enough already, but being on the defensive and appearing emotionally detached was the only way she knew right now.
"Janelle… come down, honey… your father is here!" she then called out, loud enough to be sure to be heard.
Almost right away, they heard a childish squeal and the sound of footfalls rushing down the stairs, and Bella couldn't help feeling a little jealous when she saw Edward's face literally lighting up at the sight of their running daughter.
How long had it been since he had looked at her that way, with such love and exaltation in his eyes, with such a brilliant and sincere smile on his lips? She couldn't even remember, all she knew was that it had been an awfully long time since she had seen his eyes hungrily roam her face like she was the most beautiful or precious thing in the world to him. And if she hadn't realized how much she missed it before, she definitely did now.
"Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!" Janelle shrieked as soon as she saw her father and without thinking about it twice, hurled herself into his arms.
"Hey, sweetie!… oh, god, I missed you!" Edward picked her up right away and holding her tightly to him, he twirled around with her in his arms, so happy to finally see his baby girl again. Above all, the feel of her in his embrace made him momentarily forget about Bella's reaction a minute ago and how it had stung to hear her say she didn't care, and he could only thank God for the short reprieve. "I missed you soooo much!" he then repeated and involuntarily locked eyes with his wife as he voiced the words again, only to close them instinctively when she looked away the instant they made contact. You would think that after all this time he would be used to having her rejecting him in any way, but no, it still hurt like hell.
She certainly didn't care about that either, but sometimes he really wished she could only know how much he missed her, too. Each time he had to go away, it was pure torture to not see them both, even if it was only for a few days.
He loved his job really, he loved the thrill it gave him, and he loved being able to visit so many different cities, too. He didn't even mind that much the long hours of work most of the time, or the ones he spent in planes or in his car, but if there was one thing that he definitely hated about it, it was this: the fact that he always had to leave them both behind. He had hated it when he was still with them, he hated it all the more now since it cut even more his time with them.
"Miss'd you too!" his daughter wrapped her arms around his neck as tight as she could and kissed his cheek.
"Not more than I did, I'm sure!" he insisted playfully as he showered her face with little kisses that had her writhing in his arms.
No, she could certainly not miss him more than he missed her. She was all he had now. All that was left of Bella and him, of their once great love, and he cherished her all the more for that.
"Daddy, stop… you're all bristly!" Janelle complained as she pushed his face away, but she couldn't help giggling nonetheless at the same time.
"I know… didn't have time to shave this morning!… I'm sorry, but I promise I'll do better next time!" he admitted and then tenderly ruffled her hair.
He knew how his daughter didn't like it when he was 'all bristly' as she said, but it had been that or being even more late and with the way Bella had greeted him as it was, he didn't even want to imagine what she would have done then. Maybe she would have tried to kill him on the spot as soon as he would have crossed the threshold, it wouldn't even have surprised him.
"Is that for me?" Janelle demanded next as she tried to turn around in his arms and get a glimpse of the bag she had seen in his hands before greeting him, but that he was now involuntarily hiding behind her back.
"Of course… who else would it be for otherwise, huh?" Edward said, and holding her up against his hip with one arm now, he brought the bag in front of her and let her look inside, pleased when he saw her eyes blink first and then open up as wide as saucers.
"ALVIIIIN! YES!" she screamed as she saw the big plush all red and beige chipmunk, and then immediately encircled her arms around her father's neck again, shrieking happily for all she was worth.
The bag had looked huge before, but now that she could see what was inside she understood why. She was sure that her father had to have picked the biggest stuffed animal of the whole shop, there was no doubt in her mind.
"Do you like it?" Edward asked, though with the way she was practically cutting his air supply he pretty much knew the answer.
"Yes… thank you sooooooooo much… you're the best of the best of the bestest, daddy!" she beamed in thanks and kissed his cheek repeatedly and soundly.
Like it? She loved it. She loved it all the more actually since she didn't have it before and had been asking for it ever since the movie had been released. And now she could join him to all the other animals that adorned her room. Simba, Nala, Pumba, Winnie the Pooh, Tiger, Eeyore, Nemo and all the others. In fact she had so many already that she would certainly not be able to draw a list without seeing them all again first.
"You're welcome… I'm glad you like it!… but you'll have to wait until tonight to play with it."
"Why? Are we going now?" she questioned as she saw her mother take the bag from her father when he handed it to her and place it on the couch in the living room for now.
Tonight wouldn't come soon enough. She wanted to put him with the others and introduce him to her friends. She was sure they would get along just fine. Too bad it was a school day and she had to leave. But mommy would take care of him in the meantime, she knew that.
"Not yet, sweetie… I think we have a little problem to solve first!" Edward told her, looking at her with a little smile.
"What?"
"Your shoes… you're wearing two different shoes, sweetheart!" he informed, wondering if she had really not realized that fact, or if she knew and she just didn't care.
As far as he was concerned that was probably one of the first things he had noticed when he had seen her. Which wasn't really surprising considering that the shoes were not only different in color but clearly in shape, too. However one look at her face now and the way she instinctively nibbled her bottom lip and he had all the answer he needed. She definitely knew.
Janelle had really hoped that her parents wouldn't notice the difference, but obviously it hadn't been enough. She had tried but she couldn't find the two blue ones, the ones she wanted to wear with her blue sundress and therefore she had thought it would be okay to put one of her black tennis with one of the blue. Dark blue and black, that was almost the same color, wasn't it? At least it was for her, but her father didn't seem to think so.
"I don't find the other blue one!" she eventually told him with a cute little pout that had his heart melting.
"Have you looked under your bed, honey… or under mine?" Bella provided before Edward could speak again, sure that that was where the other one had to be.
Knowing her daughter, she certainly had looked once in her closet and then left it at that when she couldn't find the shoe. She wasn't really one to like to complicate things, so she would even less when all she could think about was seeing her father again.
Of course almost right away she saw the little girl shake her head, confirming she had been right, but she missed how Edward perceptibly winced when she said 'mine', talking about what he still considered as their bed no matter what.
Go on, why don't you twist the knife in the wound some more, will you? I didn't get enough the first time around!
"No!" Janelle admitted as Edward lowered her to the floor again.
"Well, go and look then… but hurry back before I start missing you again!" Edward gently ordered with a smile as he pushed her in the direction of the stairs.
He couldn't help biting his lip to stop himself from saying something in front of his daughter though, when he heard Bella all but snort audibly next to him. "What?" he turned to her and asked in a sigh as soon as Janelle was out of sight.
"You missed her so much that you weren't even able to arrive sooner so that you could spend some more time with her." she accused unruffled, knowing how much Janelle had wanted those few precious moments she could have with her father before going to school but how now with him being so late, all she would have was the short car journey. Definitely not enough in her book considering, that their girl hadn't seen him in more than three days with him being away for another of his business trips. If that was the truth of course.
"Will you just stop, dammit, Bella!… I was just late… do we have to go through this every time it happens?" Edward retorted, understanding where she was coming from, but refusing to make a big scene out of it.
He knew that he could certainly not spend as much time with his daughter right now as he had first planned but he had every intention to make up for it, and no later than tonight after school. Yet, listening to her it sounded like he had done it on purpose, or worse didn't even care. Didn't she know by now that if he could he would spend all his days with his baby girl and not mind about anything else? Besides, if she was going to make a scene each and every time he was late, she had something else coming because Edward perfectly knew it was not the first time he was and it would certainly not be the last.
"We wouldn't have to, if you were able to read your watch and be here on time!" she countered sternly, refusing to admit, even to herself why she was so upset right at that moment. Why she was always kind of upset with him every time she saw him in fact.
But of course, her being in this state didn't help Edward to stay calm either.
"Well… I would be here on time every frigging morning if you hadn't thrown me out of the house to begin with!" he bit out, losing a little bit more of his composure with each passing second.
Why couldn't she just leave it alone? Oh, yeah, he knew why, that would be too easy for 'Miss I always do everything so perfectly'.
Oh, but maybe he should tell her, too, that his fucking watch was still somewhere in the house. Probably under her damn bed as well, he snorted inwardly. But she wouldn't like that, would she?
"Oh, now it's gonna be my fault!" Bella stated incredulously, not believing he was using that to justify his actions. God only knew what he had been doing to make himself late, but now he was going to take it out on her? No frigging way!
"Who else's then?" he scoffed, like that was the most normal or logical thing in the world. And to him it was, because they certainly wouldn't have to go through all those arrangements and trouble to be able to both spend as much time as possible with Janelle without disrupting her equilibrium, or at least the least possible, if she hadn't decided she wanted some space first. Yeah, some space, sure, what she wanted was to be free to do what pleased her again, that was what this was all about. Who did she think she was kidding?
"First of all… I didn't throw you out of the house… I-I thought it would be best for… b-both of us to have some time to decide what we really wanted to do… and… it was supposed to be a temporary situation, you know that!" she contradicted, even if the words sounded stupid now voiced out loud.
If she was really honest she could admit that she had only hoped it would be enough to arrange their problems, because she couldn't see anything else to do. So she had stupidly deluded herself into believing that some time away from each other would have made him realize what he could lose and that she and Janelle were the most important people in his life and all that mattered to him in the end, and then that it would have maybe been enough to make him reconsider his relationship with his dear secretary. And if he had, she would have certainly forgiven him, just like she knew that despite everything, she still probably would now if he asked her to take him back and forget about the past -how weak could someone be, huh? Yeah, she knew- but obviously she had been all wrong, because Edward didn't seem to want to make things right any more now than he had back then.
Janelle might be more important than anyone else to him, there was no doubt as far as she was concerned, but she wasn't, not anymore, she had learned that the hard way.
"Yeah, sure… seven months, Bella… are seven months not enough for you to know what you want?" he replied, his tone quite more brittle than he wanted it, but if there was one topic they should better not enter right now, it was definitely this one.
A temporary situation to Edward was a few days, maybe a week, but definitely not seven months. Not seven months waiting for the other shoe to drop and the moment when she would stop playing with him and decide that it was finally definitive, while praying at the same time that it would never happen.
What she wanted? What a fucking joke! Bella thought. What she wanted was certainly not to share her husband with some blonde bimbo who thought she was the center of the universe and who walked the world like she owned it, while destroying families on her way without the slightest shame or remorse. No, what she wanted hadn't mattered in a long time, so why would that change now?
"I can't believe you… how can you look at me straight in the eye and act like I am the problem here?… you know why I did what I did, Edward!" she charged back angrily, forgetting for a moment that her daughter would be here any minute now and that she could walk in on them fighting.
"Nope, I must have forgotten about that part, because I have absolutely no idea anymore why you do the things you do!… you know I never asked for this, it was your idea not mine… so don't try to put the blame on me now, because I'm sure as hell we could have worked it out differently!"
"Of course we could have… wouldn't that have been just convenient for you?… that way you could have your cake and eat it… now it's such a shame Bad Bella didn't see it your way, huh? Do you want me to flagellate myself for having been so mean?" she intoned, sarcasm dripping from every word and only serving to unnerve Edward even more.
"God, when did you become such a bitch, Bella?" he hissed, running out of patience and looking at her like he couldn't quite believe that this woman in front of him was the same he had loved almost all his life.
When had she become so bitter and why? Where was the woman who couldn't stand it when they just as much as started raising their voices at each other, and always did her best to avoid any conflict with anyone, and particularly with him? This was definitively not the woman he had married.
"Maybe when I realized you have to be one to catch your own husband's interest!" she threw back, her eyes glazing furiously and daring him to find anything to respond to that.
If someone in his close acquaintances deserved the bitch title it was definitely not her. But maybe he was too blinded by love already to see that.
"What the hell are you talking about now?" Edward gritted out as he ran a frustrated hand through his hair, feeling like it wouldn't be long before he would just tear it out completely.
She really drove him crazy some times, always speaking in riddles or talking about things she was obviously the only one to understand. All he got out of that was painful headaches when he tried to figure out what she was meaning.
"Like you don't know, Edward!" Bella challenged acidly and held her ground.
"I don't… y-you're not making any sense… you've not made any sense to me for the last year anyway, why am I still wasting my time trying to understand you or your motives?" Edward was downright looking at her like she had grown a second head now, feeling more and more lost with the conversation.
See, what was he saying, huh? Boy, today the headache was going to come even more quickly.
He was so going to kick Jasper's ass for making him late. If he hadn't, he was sure they wouldn't be arguing like they were right now.
"Me and my motives? Me and my…" Bella all but cried out, finally having reached her limit. Anger blinding her, she finally lost the last shred of control she had on her emotions and let everything go, making months of pent-up feelings finally explode. Why did she keep doing this, anyway? It was obviously so not worth it. "You know what, you're right!… why do we even bother anymore, Edward?… this is not working… so why don't we stop pretending, huh?" she returned, matching his tone, only maybe a little more angrily even.
"What is that supposed to mean?" Edward's head snapped back to her and he asked harshly, dreading the answer and yet at the same time, almost sure of what was coming. This was it, wasn't it?
Dammit, why hadn't he just kept his mouth shut and just let her talk all she wanted without answering? Why had he even come at all?
"I want a divorce!" she blurted out, the words leaving her mouth before she could stop them or even really realize their impact herself.
There, she had said it. She had said it out loud, hadn't she?
Oh, god, was it normal that it hurt so much?
Staring back at Edward, she had all the confirmation she needed. He had obviously heard her. Yet this wasn't exactly how she thought he would react. He really looked… surprised? Shocked maybe even.
But what did he expect? That she would just stay aside and let him ruin her life and her daughter's any longer. She deserved better than that and so did their child.
However shocked was still a mild way to put what Edward was really going through. In fact he felt like she had just struck him a blow in the stomach and like all the air had suddenly left his body, and for a few seconds he just blinked and looked at her incredulously, like he was still trying to process what she had just said, or wasn't even quite sure he had really heard her right.
"Is… is that really what you want?" he asked, cringing inwardly right away when he realized how croaked his voice sounded even to his own ears.
Way to go, Cullen, why don't you beg her to take your sorry ass back when you're at it, he scolded himself, hating to feel so desperate and hopeless in front of her at that moment. It wasn't as if he hadn't seen it coming, right? The strange thing was that he hadn't heard about that sooner actually. So why did it hurt so much nonetheless? Why did it feel like she had just ripped his heart right out of his chest and stomped mercilessly on it?
'No, god, no!' Bella kept repeating to herself. 'NO!'
That was actually the last thing she wanted, but what could she do when he was obviously not willing to cooperate, when he had obviously given up on them a long time ago?
"I think it-it would be best! We're not g-going anywhere like this!" she finally conceded, her voice trembling slightly and not daring to look at him, since she knew she would just take everything back and plead with him to not listen to her if she just as much as met his eyes. But she wasn't going to demean herself before him again. If that wasn't what he wanted ultimately, he would have to prove her so.
"Best for whom?" he demanded to know, because this was certainly not best for him or for their daughter.
"Best for everyone… even you can admit we can't go on like that, Edward! It's just not…"
"You mean you can't!" he accused hotly, on the verge of losing it any second now, and then continued even more forcefully. "What is it? Am I tying you down, Isabella?… is there somewhere else you'd like to be… someone else you would like to be married to instead and I am spoiling your plans?" he spat out, unable to stop himself, feeling anger boiling in his veins now.
He had often wondered how he would react once she would finally say it, huh? Well, here went the answer and it was definitely not a pretty sight.
Sure it could be childish and purely jealousy talking but she could keep dreaming if she thought he was going to make things easy for her. If she wanted a divorce so badly, if she so wanted to get rid of him, she would have to fight him for it. And he was the lawyer so she could just start and get prepared for the battle of her life.
"Don't you dare try and turn the tables on me now, Edward… " Bella retorted, outraged that he could insinuate she had been the one to lead them down this path.
The nerve of him, when he was the one who had destroyed their marriage and all the faith and trust she could have in him.
And yet strangely, what really hurt her the most wasn't even that, but the fact that he had used her full name to address her. Never in the near eleven years they had been together, had he called her anything but Bella. Until now, and really it stung. More than she could have imagined.
But if she thought he couldn't hurt her more, she was wrong. She had not even recovered from that one, that he dealt her another blow. This one a million times more painful if that was possible.
"Well, I'm not the one who's eager to spread them to every asshole who just as much as looks my way!" Edward finally exploded before what he took as misplaced indignation.
One look at her. That was all he needed, one look and he instantly regretted the words, knowing that that was probably the last thing he should have said, but it was already too late to take them back.
A suffocating silence fell upon them the second they were out, and for what seemed like eternity neither said another word, instead both just staying there their gaze locked with the other's.
Bella gaped at him, feeling the air leave her in a whoosh and her heart jumping in her chest, so high in fact that for a second she expected it to end lodged in her throat, which maybe could have explained why she suddenly seemed unable to breathe.
She could honestly say that she had suffered a lot since she had discovered his infidelity, there was no saying so, yet she was sure at that instant that if he had slapped her across the face or kicked her repeatedly and mercilessly, he would have probably not succeeded in hurting her more right then, and even with the best will in the world, she couldn't have masked her emotions any longer even if she wanted.
The hurt and pain Edward saw reflected in her eyes at that moment almost knocked him back, and he knew he had definitely gone too far. No matter what she did or not, no matter how much he should hate her for all she was putting him through, he just couldn't bear the thought of hurting her in any way. He never could, and probably never would, and knowing that he was the one to put it there right now just tore his heart apart.
He was ready to apologize to her when he heard another voice interrupting them and if it hadn't been enough before, it made him regret having lost control like this even more when he realized that his daughter had been standing a few feet away.
Hopefully though, she wouldn't have understood his words and she wouldn't realize just what a bastard her father could be sometimes, he thought disgustedly.
"Hey, we don't yell in this house!" Janelle unexpectedly broke the silence and their staring contest and Bella turned just in time to see her on the last step of the stairs, her tiny fists on her hips and frowning at her parents.
How many times had her mommy and her daddy told her that that was one of the things they didn't want her to do in the house, and look at them now!
Besides, her father usually never yelled and so when he did, it really scared her and she didn't like it at all.
Swallowing hard, Bella cursed herself for having imposed this on her daughter and then immediately tried to compose herself and bring her heart rate back to normal to be able to answer to her.
"We're not yelling, sweetie… we were just… talking a little too loudly!" she lied, swearing inwardly that this was the last time she would let Edward get the best out of her and she would lose control like this in front of her. "Come here, honey!" she then called to her, seeing that one of her shoe lace, the one from the shoe she had obviously finally found, wasn't tied correctly.
"Mommy, why you crying?" Janelle immediately noticed when she joined her, and instinctively she reached out to wipe away with her little thumb the silent tear that had managed to escape Bella's eye.
"I'm not… I-I just… got something into my eye and it stings a little but don't worry! Go with Daddy now… you're going to be even more late!" Bella lied once more as she arranged the lace, not having realized herself that her efforts to keep the tears at bay hadn't been all that successful, or at least not as much as she would have wanted them to.
"Maybe daddy can make it all better?" Janelle answered in all her innocence, her gaze not leaving her mother, scared that something could be wrong with her mommy and liking even less to think that she could just be hurt in any way.
The statement was laced with so much concern and yet made so naturally that it would have brought Bella down to her knees if she hadn't been already kneeling in front of her, and her throat worked spasmodically as she tried to conceal a sob. Oh, dear Lord, what was she supposed to answer to that?
Janelle eventually tore her eyes away from her mommy just long enough to look hopefully at her father, remembering that when she had a booboo herself her daddy always knew what to do to make it right, but she frowned again as she took in his rigid stance and saw that his eyes were closed now, his hands were tightly fisted at his side and that he seemed to be in pain himself. A pain she didn't understand down from her five years old. A pain she didn't realize she had involuntarily caused.
Hearing his daughter saying that he could make it better for Bella with so much hope and trust in her voice, when he perfectly knew he was the cause of her pain to begin with, was just the last straw for Edward and he felt how his legs wobbled under him and threatened to make him go down at his daughter's feet himself.
Hating himself so much at that moment, he had to resist the urge to just flee out of the house and never come back again, provided that he would never inflict any kind of hurt to any of his girls ever again. But selfishly, the tremendous fear of losing them both for good that gripped at his heart and the knowledge that he just couldn't survive without them ran deeper and stronger at that instant than any other feeling and was fortunately enough to keep him in place.
Until he had to hear Bella's answer at least.
"No… no one can now, honey… it's gonna have to pass on its own!" she just whispered, doing her best to keep smiling and not alarm her daughter even more, yet sure that the little girl could perfectly pick up on her distress.
For someone so young Janelle had a sense of things that went way beyond her age, and there was no doubt in Bella's mind that she understood that something was wrong with her, even if Bella was telling her exactly the opposite. Just like she had understood almost right away that her father didn't have to leave them because, with his work and all his business trips, it would be better for him if he went to live at her aunt's place for a little while since it was closer to his office and to the airport, though of course he would soon come back home again and she didn't need to worry, like they had told her to justify their separation.
No, Bella hadn't even been surprised when Janelle had asked her a few weeks later if she was going to have two houses now and a second mommy and second daddy, like Lisa Chase after her parents had gotten a 'dimorce' like she had called it.
She remembered clearly having promised herself that day that she wouldn't let her daughter go through this if she could work it out differently, and look where they were now. A few words thrown in anger, a few cries, a lot of loss of control, and her fate was sealed.
"Bella… I'm so-…" Edward, silent spectator to their exchange until now, finally took a tentative step to her, wishing more than anything that he could swallow the words back or at least make her understand how sorry he was for what he had just said, but she didn't let him go any further.
"Don't even try!" she glared at him and warned before dropping her gaze back to their daughter. "I will be there waiting for you when you finish school this afternoon. And grandma will pick you up at lunch time, okay!" she said sweetly, needing to concentrate on anything but him.
If she only looked at him for a little too long right now, she knew she wouldn't be able to control herself any longer and would just let the pain consume her and therefore cry her eyes out, and there was simply no way she would let him see more than she already knew she had, how much he had hurt her.
"Yeah… and Daddy is gonna buy me a new movie this afte'noon and he's gonna come and see it with us later! Right, mommy? It's today, huh?" Janelle questioned hopefully, remembering how her father had promised her that as soon as he would be back, he would buy her whatever it was she wanted and how when she had told her mother that what she actually wanted was a new DVD, she had assured her that they would all watch it together when he would return.
"Sure, sunshine… tonight daddy's gonna see that new movie with you!" Bella answered, smoothing her daughter's hair back affectionately, like what she was asking of her was no big deal and she could actually envision herself being in Edward's presence so soon after what had just happened without any problem, but Edward didn't miss the fact that she hadn't included herself in their plans like Janelle had, and his heart constricted painfully once more, knowing it was his fault. "Go now… I love you, Jay!" Bella added as she pecked her daughter's lips like she did every morning or every other time she had to leave her, and then hugged her briefly.
"Love you, too, mommy!" the little girl answered with a bright smile, though she kept looking her mother directly in the eye, like she was still trying to make sure everything was really alright.
A second later, apparently satisfied with what she found there, she stepped closer to her father, ready to leave, but then stopped when she saw that he had yet to move or even look at her. Her gaze went back and forth between her two parents then and she grimaced slightly, not understanding what was happening now. Hadn't her mother said they were late? Then why was her father not moving and why was he looking at her mother like time had suddenly frozen around him?
Not even realizing when his daughter slipped her tiny hand in his, Edward stood still in front of Bella, just dying to reach out to her and comfort her, or just beg her to forgive him, but he refrained himself, sure that Bella would just reject him if he even tried. And how could she not after what he had just done?
They would have to talk about this later though, he promised himself, because there was simply no way he could let things take an even uglier turn than what they had just done, and that was what was bound to happen if they didn't talk. But enough was enough, this had to stop.
God, how could he even have let this happen? How could he have let things go this far? They had fought a lot these past months, but never to the point of downright insulting each other. Somehow they had always managed to be civil to the other but this was really different. He knew he had crossed a line and she had no reason to forgive him for being so mean to her, but god, just the thought that she could hate him now was just too much for him to bear.
If really they had to make their separation official, he didn't want it to happen this way and quite ironically, he realized that what he was thinking just now, after having witnessed firsthand how much they could hurt each other, was in total contradiction with what he had been so sure he wanted, or had wanted to do not ten minutes ago. When at that moment he had almost sworn he would make her life a living hell before letting her getting away with this easily, now he would say yes to everything she wanted, to everything she asked for as long as he wouldn't have to see the same pain in her eyes again, and just as long as she would still let him see their daughter. He would learn to live without her if he had to, if really there weren't any other solution, but he would not let her hate him. Yet that didn't mean he would have to like it, because god, how it hurt to finally have to let her go.
Bella looked up briefly when she saw that Edward wasn't leaving and during a fraction of second, she could have almost sworn that she could see tears shimmering in his eyes, but she dismissed the thought almost right away, thinking that it was only her own that were blurring her vision and making her see things that weren't there.
Why would he cry anyway? Wasn't this what he wanted? At least now he was free to start over with the one he really loved, she was setting him free finally since he was too coward to do it himself, breaking her heart in the process, but she was doing him, them a favor. Shouldn't he be happy then that his loveless and meaningless marriage was finally over?
"Goodbye, Bella!" Edward whispered in the end and followed his daughter's lead when he realized he had no choice but to leave. However, the words were uttered so softly and yet so brokenly that Bella wasn't even sure he had really spoken to her.
"Yeah, bye!" she answered back nonetheless but obstinately refused to look up at him now. Instead she smiled down at Janelle who with her free hand had opened the door and was now waving goodbye at her.
She stepped out behind them and waved back until Edward had Janelle securely settled on her seat in the back of his jeep and he finally pulled off of the driveway, and though her eyes remained constantly on her daughter's face, she didn't miss how Edward's seemed to strain on her as he left her alone on the porch. She bravely smiled all the time, more for Janelle's sake than because she really felt like it, but her smile faltered progressively with each passing second and she thanked God when they were finally out of sight, probably feeling happy for the first time in her life to see her daughter leave.
As she entered back, the oppressing silence filled the room once more and she felt like her house was slowly but surely closing in on her, making it almost impossible for her to breathe.
"I'm not the one who's eager to spread them to every asshole who just as much as looks my way!" his voice resonated over and over, the words playing around in her head, mocking her mercilessly, and not sure she would be able to stand up on her two feet for much longer, she leant against the door for support.
God, was that really how he saw her now? Like one of those girls who whored around, looking for any opportunity to get some?
Was this really where their relationship stood after eleven years, what was left of it? Had he really completely forgotten who she was after only being apart from her for seven months, and was that the only opinion of her he had now? If that was really the case all the time she had spent with him was really not worth it, and he was definitely not the man she had always thought he was. No, he was so not worth it. But then, why did she care so much about what he could think of her, and why did it hurt so much?
In a last attempt to control herself, she pressed her fist into her mouth and bit into it with all the strength she could muster, hoping it would be enough to quell the painful cry that threatened to escape her lips, but unfortunately it only made the tears come faster.
No, god, no! She wouldn't cry over him again, she wouldn't shed anymore tears, she swore as she took long and deep breaths in a desperate attempt to calm herself down, but even that didn't seem to help any.
God, what would she do now? And what would she say to Janelle? What did you tell your five years old little girl who thought the world of her father in a situation like that? 'Honey, your father loves you, but I'm not enough for him… that and he hates me so much that he thinks I could betray our love just because he did so'?
She was not going to be able to do this. She just couldn't.
Unexpectedly her gloomy thoughts were interrupted by the ringing of the phone and though she was glad for the momentary reprieve, she hesitated before going to pick it up. Maybe she should just let the answering machine take it, she considered briefly before hearing her mother's voice resonating into her living room.
Great, just what she needed, she almost cursed as she made her way to the phone, knowing full well that her mother knew she didn't work until much later this morning and therefore wouldn't stop calling until she would have her on line. Ever since their last serious conversation, she hadn't stopped bugging her one way or another anyway. Well, she would be satisfied and proud for once, she had finally done exactly what she wanted.
"Mom?… hello!" she said, trying to keep a normal voice as she finally answered.
"Bella?… god, what took you so long?… I thought you weren't home!" Renée Swan almost instantly complained into the phone when she finally heard her daughter.
"I am… I was just going to go for a run when you called!" Bella lied to justify herself, even if she knew that after her argument with Edward she wouldn't have the heart to go anywhere, not even for a run, the only thing that usually helped her sorting out her thoughts. But her mother certainly didn't need to know that, right?
"Oh… okay!" her mother just replied, knowing that that was her daughter's way to deal with all the tension and stress she was feeling lately. "How are you, honey?" she then added when she realized that Bella was obviously not going to be very cooperative and she would have to do all the talking once more, or at least enough to pull the words out of her.
"I'm fine, Mom… I talked to you not two days ago! Nothing new!" Bella answered indifferently, not liking more today than any other day how her mother always seemed to be on her back.
She should certainly thank God once more for being here in Los Angeles while her mother was still in Forks, because she didn't know if she would have been able to see her on a daily occurrence and not snap at her regularly. She loved her mother dearly but she was really not helping her lately. Not with the way she kept pushing her in some direction and smothering her.
"And how is my granddaughter?… is she still home?" she asked, hoping she would be, so she could maybe actually converse with someone who would be willing and happy to talk to her.
She knew Bella didn't like when she stuck her nose in her life, but she was her only daughter and she really didn't like the turn her life had taken, and god, she was so tired of seeing her taking the blows without protesting, or letting Edward treat her like a simple doormat. When would she stand up for herself and say enough?
If Charlie, her own husband, had done to her what Edward had done to Bella, she would have kicked him down the curb and gotten rid of him a long time ago, but her Bella was a romantic at heart who believed in soul mates and eternal love and therefore letting go of the one she had always thought was her everything, was like letting go of a part of herself and something she just couldn't envision. Not as long as there was still even just the slightest glimmer of hope in her heart, however insignificant it could be.
"She's fine, too… and no, she's not here… she just left with… she left to school!" Bella started before stopping mid-sentence and changing her phrasing, knowing full well where this conversation was going to end otherwise. They always ended pretty much the same way anyway every time his name was mentioned now.
"With Edward!" Renée finished for her, the disgust not at all concealed from her voice.
"Yes, with Edward, Mom… he's still her father, no matter what… and he loves Janelle more than anything in the world… just as much as she does!" Bella replied, immediately on the defensive.
Whatever the problems they had were, there was absolutely no doubt in her mind about that. Edward loved their daughter wholeheartedly and he would give his life for her without the slightest hesitation, whether her mother was ready to believe or admit it or not. What happened between them was their problem and it didn't affect at all his relationship with her or the way he felt about her, so why would she do anything to change or compromise that? Granted he was late or away on business trips just too often to her liking and she knew that in some way it bothered Janelle because it often reduced her time with him and she didn't understand why, but beside that he was the best father she could have wished for her child. He was just not the perfect husband she had thought he was.
"He loves her so much that he ruined your marriage and her family without any regret or remorse…" Renée all but snorted, but was almost immediately interrupted by Bella who really couldn't go through this with her right now. Not after her altercation with Edward. That was actually the last thing in the world she needed.
"Mom, stop, please… don't start, I don't have the strength to go through this with you again! Not now!" she expelled a long suffering sigh and said wearily. Would she ever stop with Edward and all her grievances against him, and leave her alone?
And to say that her mother was still one of Edward's most fervent supporters not even two years ago, singing his praises right and left and claiming to whoever was willing to hear it that he was the best son-in-law she could have wished for. Bella couldn't even remember herself how many times she had heard her say how perfect he was, or how good he was for her and so on and so forth, and now each time she just as much as uttered his name it was as if she was having her teeth pulled out all at once or she was resisting the urge to throw up. Boy, how quickly she could change her mind.
"I'm only stating the truth, Bella… when are you going to open your eyes, sweetie?… Edward Cullen doesn't deserve you, and he certainly doesn't deserve the way you keep defending him every time we talk about him!… You and Edward, honey… you were just not meant to be, regardless of everything we thought!"
"I'm not defending him… and…" Bella started, before realizing herself that that was certainly what she was doing nonetheless, even when she had no reason to keep doing it anymore. More importantly, how could she even be thinking about defending him with the way he had just treated her? Was she really that pathetic? "Look, forget it… it doesn't matter anymore anyway! It's all over!"
"What do you mean?… Bella? What are you not telling me?" Renée inquired, sure by the tone of Bella's voice that she was missing something.
"There is no more Edward and I! It-It's… it's over!" Bella announced defeated, her voice cracking some more this time as she whispered the words into the receiver.
"Bella?"
"I told him… I-I asked… I asked him for a divorce!" she elaborated, trying to ignore the burning sensation in her chest and what she was sure could only be the bleeding of her heart, as she heard herself utter that word once more.
"Oh… god… I-I'm so sorry, honey!" Renée said after a brief hesitation, still somewhat clearly caught off guard by the statement.
She had really not thought that Bella would be able to take that last step one day, she knew all too well just how much Bella still loved Edward and hoped for a reconciliation, and therefore she could only imagine how much it must have cost her to finally admit, mainly to herself, that this was her only alternative and that it was time to put an end to her situation. Was she not thinking not even five minutes ago that Bella would never let go of her soul mate? How wrong she had been.
However she didn't really have time to dwell on that point, before she heard Bella's now somewhat angry voice again.
"Are you?… Really?" Bella attacked skeptically, perfectly aware of what her mother really thought. Like she hadn't made that clear on many occasions ever since she had told her what had happened with Edward. "Isn't this what you've wanted all along?… you've certainly not tried to hide the fact that you wanted me to do just that… well, be glad, mom, I did it… but you know what… it doesn't make me feel better for all that."
"Bella, sweetie, you know that's not true… I've never wanted you to go through this or to suffer this way… I really wish it could have ended differently!" Renée told her sincerely this time, even if she also knew that Bella had certainly taken the right decision.
No matter how badly it hurt right now, she would definitely be better off without a cheating husband in the long run, though at the same time she couldn't help thinking that this was not fair. Bella really didn't deserve that, not when the only thing she had ever done was to love and support her husband in every way possible and in every situation.
"I-I wish that, too, mommy… I wish that so much!" Bella croaked, finally realizing that this was really it. That this was the end and that nothing would ever be the same after that. Edward Cullen and Bella Swan were over. End of the love story.
"Shh… honey, it's gonna be alright! I promise, it's gonna be alright." Renée closed her eyes in pain as she heard her daughter calling her 'mommy' probably without even realizing it, the use of that word she hadn't pronounced in years showing her even more just how lost and helpless she had to be feeling.
"M-Mom… I lost him… oh, god, I-I really l-lost him this time!" Bella broke down achingly, her voice trembling with each word she said as she finally lost the fight and let go of the tears she had so valiantly managed to hold back until then.
Reality and all its implications came crashing down on her with such force at that moment that she felt like she would never be able to recover and feel whole again, and as she eventually collapsed on the floor under the weight of her agonizing grief, heart wrenching sobs and cries carried over the line, tearing apart her mother's heart.
'You lost him a long time ago, sweetie', Renée thought, her own eyes welling up with hot, angry tears as she witnessed her daughter's incommensurable distress. But she knew that was the last thing Bella needed to hear right now, and so instead she held her tongue and whispered soothing and comforting words to her daughter.
A daughter who was miles away, while she was here wishing more than anything that she could cross the distance and just take her into her arms to comfort her and take her pain away, like she used to do when Bella was still her little baby girl and something was wrong, and when all she needed back then was to be in her motherly embrace to feel better.
Yet she couldn't, and Renée Swan sobbed herself, never having felt so powerless in her whole life before, as she cursed the day they let Edward Cullen enter their lives so easily and regretted more than anything not having been able to see the true nature of the man behind the Prince Charming's face.
TBC…