we're back for another exciting chapter of stupid horror cliches. i was planning on updating falling from grace first, but with a family member dying and my friend being re-admitted to the psych ward, i needed something to raise my spirits. if they're not really funny, im sorry, i did the best i could think of at the time.
takuya: do you need a hug?
me: *raises eyebrow* from you?
takuya: well, theres no one else around
me: *spots an electric fence* i'll take the fence! *runs over to it and gets electrocuted*
takuya: you'd rather pick an electric fence over me?
me: yup, it gives me a rush! oh yeah! feel the buuuuuuuurn!!!!!!
takuya: -_-;
disclaimer: i do not own digimon, or the movies/movie killers that i am using for this parody. if i did, id be pretty damn rich.....
20 Stupid Horror Movie Cliches
Chapter 3
cliche number 5- Excessive Bravery
Someone goes into a creepy environment to check out a sound or movement: If you hear something that sounds like an undead corpse dragging an axe across the floor, common sense dictates that you head in the opposite direction.
Me: Alright, since Takuya is the most prone to doing this, he will be the moron looking for the sound. Zoe and Tommy will be trying to stop him from going. Wondering where the others are? Well, Kouji's getting ready, for he is in the next cliche. And I locked Kouichi and J.P. in a broom closet cuz they tried to steal $20 from me. Next time, don't get caught, you idiots! Start the scene, Gogglehead!
Takuya: *hears random strange noise* Wow, I wonder what that could be! Hey, wait a minute! You didn't tell us what psycho would be around.
Me: Yeah, I decided not to spoil it this time. You guys can figure it out on your own. I'll give an explanation who it is once you find who it is.
Takuya: -_-; Great....Well, I'm off to find out!
Zoe: No, Takuya! It's too dangerous.
Takuya: There's two paths. Let's take a look at them.
[Shows two paths, one on the left, one on the right. The one on the left has a nicely groomed forest with flowers, a hot tub, a pizza joint, and a neon sign that says 'Live'. The one on the right has a bunch of dead trees, a path of blood, a corpse hanging by its neck from one of the trees, and a sign that reads 'Die'. The one on the right also had the strange noise coming from it.]
Takuya: Well, the one on the right looks much safer. Follow me! *skips down the path*
Zoe: Takuya! Did you not read the big sign that said 'Die'? *runs after him* Takuya!
Tommy: And to think that I was going to live to see my next birthday..... *sighs and follows them, scribbling a make-shift will on a napkin*
Zoe: Are you crazy?! There's a damn corpse in the tree!
Takuya: Oh, it's just a prop. The blood and organs hanging out of it are completely fake.
Zoe: Stop! *grabs him around the waist* I don't wanna die!
Tommy: *to himself* And my video games will go to my cousin, and my t.v. will go to my friend, and my bed will go to my dog....
Zoe: *helplessly hangs onto Takuya as he continues to walk down the path* Please, stop! We're gonna die, you stupid bastard! Aren't you afraid for your life?!
Takuya: I'm not scared of anything! Not even the troll that keeps stealing my socks!
Tommy: *to himself* And my clothes will go to the Salvation Army...except for my awesome white suit... I wanna be buried in that. I want my iPod to be buried with me, too....
Takuya: *notices a bloody axe* Wow, some idiot tried to open a bottle of ketchup with an axe.
Zoe: That's blood! *grabs a hold of his shirt*
Takuya: Is not! It's ketchup. It just looks like blood. *continues walking, causing his shirt to rip off completely*
Random girl's voice: Please help me! He's killing me!
Zoe and Tommy: O_O; Oh, shit!
Takuya: Pipe down, random girl! No one wants to hear about your problems!
Random girl's voice: I'm dying!
Takuya: You need to hook up with my friend, Kouji. You can be emo together.
Zoe: She's not being emo, you half-wit! She's being killed!
Takuya: Oh, she's just being a drama queen.
Zoe: Takuya, stop being stupid! *grabs onto the waistband of his pants and tries to stop him*
Takuya: *continues walking so his pants rip off* Is it just me, or did it get breezy all of a sudden?
Zoe: O_O; I hate my life....And I hate Takuya.....
Tommy: Then why are you making out with him in this picture? *holds up a picture of Takuya and Zoe on a couch, making out*
Zoe: Where'd you get that?!
Tommy: Uh....internet?
Zoe: *looks around, then takes a five out of Takuya's pants pocket, which she is still holding* Give me the pic, and never speak of it again.
Tommy: *shugs* Okay. *takes the money and smiles to himself* Good thing I still have the negatives....
Zoe: What was that?
Tommy: Nothing.
Takuya: *had been too off in his own world to even know about the picture* I think we're getting closer to that sound!
Random girl's voice: It's too late for me! But you still have time to get out! Hurry!
Takuya: Don't tell me what to do! Damn, controlling bitch....
Zoe: If we make it out alive, remind me to kill you.....
Takuya: Ha, I can't even remember what I had for breakfast.....
Everyone: *hears strange noise again, followed by a raspy voice*
Raspy voice: It's your turn now!
Zoe: *clings onto Takuya* Can we please get outta here? I'm really freaked out right now.
Takuya: Don't worry, Zoe. I won't let anything happen to you. Besides, I brought this. *pulls out a tube that says 'Monster Repellent'.*
Tommy: What the heck is that?
Takuya: I ordered it one night while I was watching infomercials. It keeps ghosts, monsters, zombies, vampires, werewolves, aliens, and telemarketers away. And it only cost me three easy payments of $79.99. ^_^
Zoe: You bring the term 'idiot' to a whole new level.
Takuya: Nuh-uh! Now I'm safe from all harm! *sprays himself with it, then fails to notice that the fake label falls off, revealing 'Bug Repellent'*
Raspy voice: Come on, I said it's your turn!
Takuya: This way! *runs down the path* I'm coming down the path, you maniac! Hahahahahahahaha!
Zoe and Tommy: No, you idiot! *run after him*
Takuya: *sees Freddy Krueger sitting around a campfire surrounded by a bunch of doll heads* ......What the fuck?
Freddy: *to one of the doll heads* Come on, it's your turn! I picked the last campfire song! Now it's your turn!
Everyone: O_O;
Me: *out of nowhere* Hello! Found our guest I see. ^_^
Freddy: *to everyone* I borrowed these from Chucky, because I needed company. But they suck! They don't talk to me, just like the last girl I went out with! *to dolls* Come on, you assholes! What, are you too good for me?!
Tommy: So who is this guy?
Me: He's the dude from A Nightmare on Elm Street. He was a fan of molesting and murdering children. Angry parents weren't too happy with him killing their children, so they decided to burn him to death. He is all burnt and gross-looking, and wears a fedore (a type of hat) and a christmas striped sweater. He usually only shows up in dreams, but I decided to let him out for his camp-out.
Everyone: O_O; You let a child murderer loose?!
Me: Yeah, so? What's it to ya?
Everyone: *looks at each other and runs off*
Me: Don't know what their problem is. *takes Freddy's metal clawed glove and sticks marshmallows on it, then proceeds to roast them over the fire*
The End
cliche number 6- Helpless victims
Victims throw up their hands and scream as the killer approaches: Apparently, if you're not the star, you just let the bad guy kill you without so much as a safety whistle or pepper spray. This might've worked with swooning starlets in the '40's, but nowadays, you have to expect that someone will at least pull out some Tae Bo moves.
Me: Okay, Kouji. You will be acting out this cliche, so you can quit whining.
Kouji: Sure, give me the one where the person just stands there and waits to die. *rolls eyes* Just great....
Me: I brought along someone who might make you feel more at home with your emo-ness.
Kouji: Who?
Me: Pinhead, from Hellraiser. ^_^ The most emo-looking movie killer of all. He's the leather-clad dead dude with the pins sticking out of his head. He comes with a nifty puzzle box, then kills the person who opened it. He usually has a few side-kicks tagging along with him, but he's the worst one to deal with. Chains are his specialty, whether he wants to restrain you or simply tear your limbs and skin off, he is not one to be messed with.
Kouji: I can't believe you're just gonna let him kill me....
Me: You won't actually die, emo-boy. It'll just look like you died.
Kouji: Okay...So, do I just stand here and wait?
Me: *buys a hot dog from a street vendor* Yup. And I'll be close by if anything goes wrong.
Kouji: What do you mean 'if'?
Me: *ignores the question and runs off in pursuit of ketchup* I'll use the ketchup they found in the woods!
Kouji: *waits a few minutes, then notices Pinhead coming down the street*
Pinhead: I'm coming for you......
Kouji: *throws his hands into the air and screams like a girl* Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!
Pinhead: *stops into a convenience store*
Kouji: What the fuck......? *waits five minutes* Where is he?
Pinhead: *walks out of store with a pepsi* The man who sold this to me shall burn in Hell for not having Coca-Cola!
Kouji: ......Oh, shit. I gotta start screaming again. Aaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Pinhead: *stops into two stores down*
Kouji: *eyebrow twitches* What the fuck is he doing now?! *waits another fifteen minutes*
Pinhead: *comes out of store with a blackberry phone* Out of service range?! What kind of evil will not give me service?!
Kouji: Okay, let's try this again. Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!
Pinhead: *walks up to Kouji, but then turns around and goes into the bakery for a cookie* Can't condemn you to hell on an empty stomach.
Kouji: Oh, for cryin' out loud! *notices a hobo holding a sign that says 'The End Is Near!', then steals it and writes 'Help!' on the other side using a sharpie*
Me: What are you doing?
Kouji: Waiting. *holds sign up with one hand, then uses his free hand to read a book while sitting down on a random chair that popped outta nowhere*
Pinhead: *comes out of bakery twenty minutes later with a bag of cookies* That asshole, Freddy Krueger, is always holding up the damn line...
Kouji: *looks up* You ready yet?
Pinhead: *doesn't reply, but attacks him with chains and hooks*
Kouji: *pinned between two buildings, the hooks embedded into his skin* Owwwwwwww! Let me go, ya damn emo bastard!
Pinhead: *eyebrow twitches* Emo?! You're one to talk, you little weirdo! Now I shall rip you apart! *kills Kouji*
Me: *spits out hot dog* Oh, shit! That wasn't supposed to happen! You were supposed to just make it look like you killed him.
Pinhead: Oh....oops.....Gotta go! *runs off with his cookies, soda, and iPod*
Me: *kicks Kouji's corpse* That ain't good.
Kouichi: *out of nowhere* My brother is dead?!
Me: How did you get outta the closet?
Kouichi: J.P. ate the door and we got out. But Kouji's dead, and it's all your fault!
Me: Don't worry. I'll hop into my time machine and go back in time before he was killed. Okay?
Kouichi: Uh...okay....
Me: *looks at energy meter on time machine* Oh, I gotta let it charge for an hour before I go. Or I'll be stuck in the past forever!
Kouichi: But what about my brother?!
Me: He ain't going anywhere.... *sits in Kouji's seat and reads his book*
Kouichi: I hate you....
Me: I know. ^_^
The End
okay, kouji's dead. but dont worry, he'll be back! muahahahaha! stay tuned for the next chapter and next two cliches. and i should have the next chapter of falling from grace out tomorrow. sorry about the wait, guys. i hoped you liked this chapter so let me know what you think. laterz