Elliot sat against the wall on the floor of Maureen's bedroom. Tear tracts that hadn't had the time to dry yet ran down his cheeks. He brought his knees to his chest, nearly shaking as waves of emotional pain crashed over him.
The funeral would start in an hour. He was dressed in his black suit with an untied tie around his neck. He had tried to tie it, but his hands had been shaking too much.
I can't do this. How does anyone expect me to?
His chest began to shake as new tears streamed down his face. He dropped his head back against the wall and closed his eyes.
The doorbell rang downstairs, but he made no move to get it. He knew it was Cragen, coming to pick him up for the funeral. The captain had offered to go with him, to offer his support, and Elliot had gratefully accepted, He knew he wouldn't be able to do it alone.
I can't go.
He wasn't ready for this. He wasn't ready to leave the confines of the bright purple bedroom and watch the people that mattered most to him be buried in the ground, with tombstones, flowers… It was too real. Too finite.
"Elliot?" The door creaked open a moment later. The captain entered. "What are you doing in here?"
He shook his head. "I can't do this. I can't go."
Cragen sat down beside him, silent for a moment. "Why not?"
Elliot wiped away the tears on his face. "It hurts too much. I can't do it."
"I know it hurts." Cragen placed a hand on his shoulder. "But you can do this. I know you can."
"I'm not this strong." He whispered, "I'm not strong enough to… to bury my daughters… my wife…"
His chest began to shake once more as he tried to control his sobs.
"It'll be alright. I'll be right next to you the whole time. If it gets to be too much, we'll go. I promise."
They're my family. I owe it to them to at least show up.
Elliot took a deep breath, and nodded reluctantly. "Alright."
Cragen helped him up, dusted him off, and tied his tie. "C'mon."
They walked down to the car together. The ride to the church only lasted about twenty minutes, but it seemed to go by much faster than the detective wanted it to. The closer they got, the deeper his heart sunk; there wasn't much he wouldn't rather do.
The car parked in the lot of the church, and Cragen got out, but Elliot was frozen. He stared at the large stone building, pain welling up in his chest.
You made it this far. Get out of the car; you can do this.
I can't go in there.
He jumped as the captain opened his door. "C'mon."
That afternoon was one that he would rather forget. Cragen sat beside him the entire time, silently offering support, but it didn't make a difference. At first, his pain was silent; he cried no tears. However, as soon as they reached the cemetery and he saw the names of his family on tombstones, it was like the dam broke. Tears streamed down his face. When the service ended, several people approached to offer him comfort, from both his side of the family and Kathy's. He attempted to wipe the tears away, but more just replaced them.
Finally, only he and Cragen remained at the gravesite. Elliot stood in front of the three stones, his shoulders shaking as tears ran down his face. He dropped his face into his hands and sobs shook his body. Cragen placed a hand on his shoulder, and squeezed gently.
"It's going to be alright, son." He said.
"How?" Elliot asked, scrubbing his face. "How in the hell is everything going to be alright?"
"It may not seem like it now, but this pain won't last forever. You just have to hang in there now."
Elliot wiped away the new tears that had formed as Cragen gently guided him back to the car. "Let's get you out of here."
"How about some lunch?" Cragen asked as they pulled out of the cemetery, knowing that Elliot hadn't been eating nearly enough over the past few days.
He couldn't imagine eating; he doubted he would be able to keep anything down. "I'm not very hungry. I just want to go home."
The captain nodded and gave him a reassuring smile. "Alright."
When they reached the house, Elliot got out slowly, and turned back towards Cragen. "Thanks, Cap'n."
The older man nodded. "Of course. You know I'm always here if you want to talk. Are you sure you don't want some company for a while?"
"I'm sure." Elliot said. "I'd like to be alone right now. Thank you though."
Cragen nodded. "Take care of yourself then."
The detective closed the door and headed into the house. He watched the black sedan pull away from the house, then turned to the empty living room. It seemed so strange… so empty.
The kitchen was dark as well. Elliot dropped into one of the chairs, and his head fell into his hands. He stared down at the wood grains of the table.
"I-I'm scared. I don't want to die."
It was overwhelming. He jumped to his feet, flinging the chair halfway across the room. He slammed his fists against the cabinet behind him over and over; he couldn't get Maureen's face out of his head… she had been so small, so young, and so scared. None of the three deserved what happened to them.
All of his strength flowed out of him, and he collapsed against the counter. He didn't even have the strength to cry anymore. Instead, he leaned back against the counter, drew his knees against his chest and dropped his head into his folded arms. He was starting to feel numb; the emotions that were overwhelming him a few moments ago were starting to make him feel numb.
His eyelids were growing increasingly heavy. He hadn't been sleeping as much as he should have, and he was exhausted to the point where he didn't even think he could make it to the bedroom upstairs. Instead, he managed to stand, stumble to the couch and collapse onto the cushions.
That night, he was too exhausted to even dream.