Chapter 3: Withdrawal
Tired, Logan closed the door; glad to be finally home, safe in his own four walls, far away from meetings, boring conversations or temptations. With a sigh of utter relief, he poured himself a double scotch and downed it.
Oh yeah, that was what he had needed.
Pouring himself another drink, he went over to his couch and sat down, heavily. Taking another long sip, he put his glass beside him and leaned back, closing his eyes.
And the day had started so well. He had finished his first big business deal that would bring the Huntzberger Media Corporation millions of dollars by opening up the firm to the internet…making sure the Huntzberger Group will be a big part of the ecommerce. He and his team had worked hard and relentless on bringing that deal home and today, the final negotiations had been made and the contract had been signed. Damn, the rush he had had while signing the documents had been almost indescribable, hardly believing that this was his deal, all his own efforts that now would be a great benefit for the firm. Nothing could have ruined the day.
Or so he had thought.
Before he had agreed to go celebrate this success with his team.
Scowling, he grabbed his drink to take another long swallow, the smooth liquid suddenly tasting bitter.
His phone rang. Rory. Hesitating, he slowly reached for the phone and finally took the call. He wasn't sure if it was wise to take it and perhaps risk everything that was important to him. But he needed to hear her voice. Needed to talk to her.
"Hey," he answered, trying to sound as cheerful as he had been before he had agreed to go out and celebrate.
"What's wrong?" Of course, she wasn't fooled, not even for a second. He should have known it.
"Nothing," he still tried to avoid her.
No such luck. "Logan."
This time, he just sighed. He didn't want to talk about it. He couldn't. Not without risking his relationship with her. Or at least damaging it.
"Logan, please, talk to me," she pleaded quietly.
He shook his head. "Rory..."
"You said it yourself, Logan. This will only work if we don't stop talking to each other," she insisted. "Now tell me. What happened? You were so happy earlier when we talked that you were downright giddy."
For a moment, he contemplated refusing an answer yet again, but then he finally gave in. She was right. He guessed, for the long term it was better to speak up now, admit what had happened this night.
"The team and I went out to celebrate," he said, a bit shortly.
"Okay... Why not after all? You guys deserved it after all the effort you put into that deal," she replied slowly.
"We went to eat in one of those expensive but really good French restaurants. Then we moved over to a bar. It was great at first," he simply continued. "It's been a while since I was last out, celebrating, not since leaving the States, really." Leaving you, he thought, but didn't say it out loud.
"And then?" she wanted to know.
He sighed. "Then this woman came on to me. Offered me a drink, letting me have a nice view of her cleavage." Why the hell was he telling this Rory? Was he crazy?
"Oh..." Rory slowly said. "I see." Her voice chilled. "And you slept with her," she stated tonelessly.
His head snapped up as his eyes widened. "What? Fuck, no, Rory! What do you think of me? Of course I didn't sleep with her!" he protested vehemently. Given their history he should probably not take offense that she automatically jumped to such conclusions, it still hurt though. He really had thought that they were past this by now. "I'd never cheat on you, Ace. Not again," he said with slight hesitation. Even after all that time he still didn't feel like he had cheated on Rory. But he knew her opinion on this matter only too well. After all, he had almost lost her over that. He shook his head. "I love you. I'm not risking losing you again that easily, Rory."
He could hear her deep, relieved sigh. "Then where's the problem? If you didn't sleep with her..."
"It's not that, Ace," he sighed. "It's just - Well, you know, when she made her move on me, she pressed herself at me, trying to kiss me. I pushed her away, naturally, but..."
When he didn't continue, Rory urged him on. "But what?"
Logan took another sip, and then mumbled: "My body sort of reacted to the proximity of that girl."
Silence. Then: "Reacted? In what way?" she demanded to know.
"I... well, you see... I..." he broke off, shaking his head at his own embarrassment.
"What, Logan? And since when are you so prissy about this?" Rory asked, puzzled.
"I got a hard on, okay?" he snapped. "You happy now?"
Once again, heavy silence.
"Oh," she finally said.
Just that. Nothing else.
Sitting up, Logan ruffled his hair, nervous. "Please say something, Ace."
"I don't know what to say, Logan," she sighed, an edge in her voice he hated. "What do you want me to say? Great for you? Too bad? This happens?"
"I don't know," he relented, again running his hand through his hair. Why had he even picked up the phone? Why had he been so stupid to talk to her about this, of all people? He should never have said anything. Nothing really had happened after all. And still... he had this strange urge to come completely clean with Rory and she deserved an explanation. "Look, Ace, there's something you need to know… this woman, I never felt even the slightest interest in her. Not in anyone else. I get hit on, sometimes, but it does nothing to me other than make me miss you more. Tonight... I... I didn't get a hard on because of her - it's just been so long, Rory, and damn it, I miss having sex. Then tonight suddenly, there was this female body getting all close and I just, reacted. But nothing happened, I swear. I declined her offer and then took off and came home."
"But then why are you so upset over this, Logan?" Rory insisted. "This isn't like you."
No, this was not him. He wasn't sure why this had upset him so much. Why he was so disgusted over the whole incident. "It's just… I don't want you to doubt me, Ace. I want you to trust me. You know we don't have the best history in that regard and with me so far away, I guess I just don't want you to jump to conclusions that could threaten our relationship," he slowly said, trying to put in words what he was feeling. "I love you, Rory, and the only one I want to be with is you. Really. You've got to believe me here."
She didn't answer immediately, leaving Logan in a small hell. "Who says I don't believe you, Logan?" she finally asked.
He frowned. "No one… It's just with what had happened in the past and now this..."
Rory sighed. "Okay, Logan, let's get something straight here, what happened in the past is just that, the past. You've changed since then, I've changed and most importantly, our relationship has changed big time since then. Before we broke up, we were just a normal young couple, being together for the moment but both of us not overly committed to go long term. That changed once we got back together. Our relationship has been deepening, evolving, right?"
Logan nodded halfheartedly. "Yeah, but then..."
"I know, I know, the bridesmaids... Look, I'll never be happy about them; it will always sting a little to know that you went and did all these girls right after we separated. But..." she broke off for a moment, searching for words. "I believe that you really thought we were broken up. And knowing you, I think I can even understand a little bit why you went and had sex with those girls. But it's not important anymore, I know that. When you had that accident..." her voice trailed off, thick with emotion.
"Rory," he murmured, soothingly.
She took a deep breath. "When I got the call from Finn and Colin... when I raced to New York to get to you and they made me wait and wait, not telling me anything and having no idea if you were even alive... I... I..." she needed another moment before she could continue and Logan gripped his phone, hard. Times like these were the most unbearable to be so far away from her. "I realized that no matter what, I love you. Actually, I've already realized that a bit earlier, but in the face of possibly losing you for good, I grew aware of just how deep my feelings for you are and how much you've already become a vital part of my life. I'm not sure I want to live without you ever. Or even can live without you at all," she added quietly.
"Rory..." It was his turn to have a voice thick with emotions.
But Rory interrupted him before he could say anything else. "No, let me finish this, please. We never talked about this, but I think you should know this. Then, when you came home from the hospital, you were so - different. You were so much calmer. So much more settled. So much more content. And I fell harder in love with you more than ever. I know you want to be in London no more than I want you to be there. Yet you went and made the best thing out of it, a good thing almost. Do you realize that we talk more now than we ever did before, not just bantering and flirt talk, but real talk, like this one?" she asked. "Before, you always were a bit closed off, even with me. But now, you're so open, Logan, and you have no idea how much I appreciate that. I have the feeling that I can talk with you about anything, everything and I know you're there to listen if I need you to, even with you being on another continent. We are so open with one another that you can talk to me about another woman turning you on." She snorted. "Now, that's perhaps not exactly what I like to hear, but I'm still glad that you've told me. And for the record, I do believe you that it's just been a simple reaction and nothing else."
"Really?" he asked doubtfully. There was more he had to say, much, much more, but he'd come to that later on. First things first.
"Really," she assured impatiently, and then chuckled. "You seem to forget that I'm your girlfriend. No one knows better than I do just how reactive that body of yours is, Huntzberger."
"But..."
"But what? So you had a hard on after a hot girl got all close to you. After not having had sex in over three months. Jeez, I know I'm a bit prude, but I do know that you're just a guy after all. As long as nothing else happened, I can live with that," she told him. "And I do believe that nothing else happened. Because I trust you, Logan. And because I know that you love me and that once you commit yourself to something, you stick to it and you have committed yourself to me, to us. You've proved that a few times now, especially with the rocket you gave me."
He swallowed and closed his eyes. God... he didn't deserve this girl. But he'd be damned if he ever let her go again. For her, for this, he would fight to death, he knew that without doubt.
"Logan? You still there?" Rory called out.
He took a deep, deep breath. "Yeah, Ace, I'm here. I love you."
"I know," she replied quietly.
"And what you just told me, it means a lot to me, especially that you trust me this much," he continued.
"You left me no choice," she simply answered.
"I don't think many would agree with you on that, especially not your friends and family," he contradicted her.
"Maybe. But then, they don't know you. Not the real you. They never did," she said. "If they did, they wouldn't doubt you either."
Logan shook his head. "I'm not so sure about that."
"But I am," Rory stated firmly. "Now stop dwelling in self doubts. That's not you either. I fell for you because of your unbelievable self confidence that definitely borders on arrogance among other things. So please knock it off, okay, Huntzberger?"
He laughed and shook his head. "You're something else, Ace."
"Now you're fishing for compliments," was her dry reply.
He smiled. "Busted."
"Of course," she said confidently. "So are we finished with this conversation now?"
Logan straightened. "In a minute. First, there are some things that I want to tell you."
"Logan, that's not necessary. I told you..." She must have rolled her eyes, he just knew it.
Shaking his head, he interrupted her. "No, Ace, it's not about that. You've just said a few things that I would like to comment on. You're right, we never really talked about that time and I need you to know a few things from my side now."
"Okay," she slowly said.
"First of all, the bridesmaids. Yes, I still don't think I cheated on you because in my book, we were broken up. But, that's not what I want to talk about. I want you to understand why I did that," he said, then broke-off, searching for words. This wasn't easy. "When we had that fight and were over, it hurt, Rory. It really hurt badly. And I had trouble believing that it could hurt so much. I had never realized that you have warmed you way into my heart and that losing you after only a short time together would have such an impact on me, messing me up like it did. I never dealt with pain, Rory. I couldn't deal with it, I wanted it to stop. So I thought that I'd simply so back to my old ways, back to meaningless sex where my heart would never be hurt ever again. The thing is, it didn't work. I said yes to the first girl who offered herself to me. One of Honor's stupid friends at a prep meeting for the wedding…and I slept with her. And it was awful. Simply awful. But, I didn't understand, I thought it must have been the girl. So I went to the next one. It was even worse. And, worse again when I tried it with yet another girl. With the last one, it didn't work at all. I finally had to admit to myself that it wasn't the girls, but it was me. I realized that is sucked because I didn't really want to be with any of them, didn't want to have sex with any of them, let alone for any of them to touch me…that all I really wanted was you. Simply you. I wanted my Ace back. I wanted our relationship back and I wanted to be able to make love to you again. Oh yeah, I finally realized why everything was so much better with you, Rory." He smiled ruefully. "It's probably not the best way to realize that I am in love with you, but that's how it happened. I stopped sleeping around even stopped going out and instead I thought of ways to get you back. Then I heard that you were going back to Yale. And I came chasing after you, pestering you, until you agreed to give me another chance to be with you.
Silence.
"Ace? You still with me?" he finally asked worried. Perhaps he shouldn't have been so frank, so candid.
"Yeah, I'm here. It's just a bit …startling to hear the whole story," Rory answered with hesitation.
"I'm sorry," he sighed. "I knew you wouldn't like the details, but you deserved an explanation. I realized pretty soon how stupid I was to go sleeping around like that. And I knew if you ever learned of that that I would be in trouble. That's why I never said a word in the beginning. And once we were back together for good, I more or less forgot about them anyway. I really had no idea that those stupid girls would go and tell you all about our one night stands or I would have warned you. I didn't want you to know at all, but if you had to, I definitely would have told you myself and not have you found out the way you did. I'm really sorry for that."
"I know," she sighed to his relief. "It took a while, but I realized eventually that you really hadn't remembered those girls anymore. Your history with girls never was very bright. You just were like that with them."
"It's not something I'm proud of, Rory. But, I have you now, so I hopefully never have to go back to those ways." Logan sighed. "I was so glad when you came back home with me, after you learned of the bridesmaids," he then continued, thinking it was best to just move on and not dwell too long on those damn bridesmaids. "But then you were so cold, so distant. You closed me off completely and I didn't know what to do. I tried to get through to you, but you turned me down each time. Please never do that to me again, Ace. I can deal with you being spitting mad, but you just giving me the cold shoulder? That's not something I know how to deal with. So I avoided it by burying myself in the planning of our last LDB event. When I left for South America, I just wanted to get away for a while, clear my head. And when I made that jump it was also sort of a childish way to spite you, because I knew you didn't want me to take that jump. But I never thought that anything could actually happen. Really not. Or I would never have gone through with it."
"You better not," she muffled.
"When I realized that something was wrong when I couldn't open the damn parachute... I got the scare of my life. And in those few seconds when I fell to what seemed to be my certain death, there was only one thought I had…you, Rory. I was so sorry for everything that happened, so sorry for disappointing you." He was quiet for a moment…thinking back to that fall…everything happening so fast and at the same time feeling like a lifetime had gone by in those few seconds. Suddenly restless, he got up and started to pace. "Then I managed to open the parachute and all I could think of then was… if I survived, I just wanted to resolve our problems and get past them. That's how far I came before I hit the ground and everything went black." Once again he broke off, trying to give an accurate description of the blur of events that occurred. "I don't know exactly what happened next, mostly because I was out of it. But, I still knew that at one point that you were there, waiting for me to wake up. I don't know how …it's not as if I heard you talking or could feel you holding my hand or something like that… I just knew you were there. And it was with this knowledge that I stopped drifting and started fighting to wake up in order to come back to you."
"Oh Logan..."
"And once I was awake, I didn't care about seeing anyone but you. Finn, Colin, Honor, my parents…they didn't matter, only you," he told her simply, walking into his bedroom. "You said I was more settled and content after my accident and it's true. It's cliché, but it is true…something like that happens, in the face of death so to speak, you get your priorities pretty straight. And while I didn't exactly regret my life so far, I did become aware that there are only two things in my life that are important to me for the future: one, I realized that I do want the newspaper business for me. It's not just that I was born into it, I like it. I love to be at the pulse of the world, I love to write and I love to be in the thick of the news business. Before you came along, I forgot about this completely under the pressure of my family but your enthusiasm for journalism was kind of infectious, contagious and I started to remember the thrill of this business that I always loved."
His restlessness dissipating, he sat down on his bed.
"I'm glad to hear that. Because it would be a shame for you to not be in the news business. You're a natural for it," Rory said, her voice trying to go for normal, but Logan wasn't fooled. He could hear the held back emotion in it. "You... you said there were two things?" she asked then, almost timidly.
He smiled, reaching over to pull open the top drawer of his night table. "You, Rory. Simply you. And you're way at the top of that very short list."
She needed a moment to answer, but when she did, her voice was very soft and full of emotion and love. "Good to know that we're on the same page then."
"Yeah," he answered quietly, nodding, and stared at the small black velvet box in his hand, stroking over it. He sure hoped it. Even though he knew that he probably was already a page ahead of her. But he hoped with all his being that she wasn't far behind and would soon catch up with him.
"I guess we should have talked about this sooner after all, huh? It sure would have saved me some doubts," she sighed after another long moment of silence which said a lot.
Logan shrugged. "I think we weren't ready before." Then he frowned. "And what doubts?"
"Oh, nothing, really. It's just that after you've left I wasn't so sure where exactly we stood, I mean if we were still together or not and so on. Not until I got the real meaning of the rocket," she replied, waving it away.
He mulled over that for a moment, then shook his head. "I knew you didn't get it right away when I called you from the airport. You just were too vague about it," he said, smiling, and put the box back into the drawer, closing it carefully. "And your call later sure ratted you out."
"Yeah well, the important thing is that I did get it after all, don't you think so too?" She didn't wait for an answer. "So... now tell me what you're wearing."
His thoughts came to a complete stop. "What?"
"That's how people usually start phone sex, don't they? They want to know what the other is wearing," she just said pragmatically though. "So what are you wearing? Not too much I hope. Because I'm stark naked and as you said, it's been a long time. I'm not in the mood for slow and sensual. I need fast, hard and mind blowing."
Jesus!
"Phone sex?" he managed to gargle as he shifted uncomfortably as his body reacted immediately to her voice and the images it provided him with.
"Yep," she told him confidently once again though. "I can't have you walking around London having a hard on every time a girl gets too close to you, now can I? They could get the wrong idea with time. Now, the way I see it, you're obviously in withdrawal. While we can't do the real deal, nobody says I can't give you a little bit of methadone so to speak. So phone sex it is. I'm new to this, but I'm sure you can help me along if I get stuck, can't you?" she asked innocently. Too innocently. Damn this girl. But God, he loved her. "Now where was I? Oh yeah! So, I hope you're out of your jacket already because I'm going to rip your shirt off your body now so I can touch that nice chest of yours and attack your nipples with my mouth. Careful though, I'll use my teeth just a little bit."
"Jesus," he breathed and closed his eyes.
"Ah, you like that, don't you?" she teased, her voice suddenly all deep, silky and sexy. "Then you'll like even more that I'm unbuckling your belt right now to get rid of those offending pants. Too bad you didn't go commando today. I need you, now, and all this just takes too much time."
"Rory," he groaned and hastily did just what she had told him and got rid of his pants and underwear, they were getting too tight and uncomfortable with each syllable she breathed into his ear.
God, no way this was her first time on the phone.
Not that he complained.
Not at all.
TBC!
(Author's Note: A big thank you to everyone who reviewed! You make my day and give me just the right inspiration to continue writing. And I corrected the time difference. Sorry about that, I counted something wrong there - not to mention that Switzerland's an hour ahead of London. As promised, here the third chapter. Logan's a bit of a drama queen, but I really think that given his history with Rory, he'd be a bit nervous about her learning of what had happened in that bar. And finally a talk about his accident. I can't believe that they never gave us a real good talk about it! Anyway, hope you enjoyed it at Chapter 4's coming up soon as well.)