The door slammed open and a large man walked in. He was huge, with a huge beard and long hair. The giant wore rags and a Metallica T-shirt. Uncle Jesus walked up to the man and said "Bitch I'll shoot ya". Jesus readied his musket and braced himself for combat.
The giant pulled out his pimp cane and pointed it at Jesus.
"Ballus Implodus" the giant said.
A flashing light emerged from the cane and Jesus let out a loud scream. The scream was long and painful as Jesus put his hands over his crotch and fell. The musket fell down and was picked up by the giant.
"Sorry bout tat" the giant said. "Im Hagrid te scuul principal. You mus be Arry" Hagrid said "releasus" and Harry's bonds were freed.
Harry stared at Hagrid. He then said "What happened to Jesus?"
"I used a spell t impode his balls" the giant Hagrid said. "painful isn it? Well im ere t tell ya something". Hagrid took a deep breath, then "YER A MOTHERFOCKIN WIZARD ARRY!"
Harry was shocked at the revelation. He didn't understand what he was. "Im, a…a…a… what?"
"Yer a fockin wizard" Hagrid shouted.
Harry didn't believe Hagrid. After all, tall men were liars. "No I'm just Harry."
"Well, jus Arry, yer a wizard whos gonna go t Wogharts, do spells n shit, fock n owl n meet gingers"
A tear escaped Harry's eye. He didn't want this to happen. Befriending a ginger is a sin. But a minute later, Harry had to accept the truth. He was a wizard and there was nothing to stop it.
Hagrid went inside his coat and pulled out a box. "ere e go Arry"
Harry grabbed the box and opened it. Inside was a dead kitten and a note that read "Happy Birthday Harry". Harry smiled because this was his first gift in his life. "Thanks Hagrid" was all Harry could say.
Harry sat down to play with the kitten while Jesus got up. Jesus staggered to Hagrid and waved his arms around. "Bich I cut ye" Jesus said to hagrid.
Hagrid pointed his pimp cane at Jesus "Youareais turdis"
Jesus fell to the floor as he turned into a man sized feces. Hagrid pulled Harry away from shit Jesus. They went to the door. Hagrid stopped at the door to tell Harry something. "Ememb'r ow Jesus told ya yer parets died fom a car crah?"
"Yep" replied Harry
Hagrid had a long pause "Well yer parets were killt by a dar wizrd named Vadermort. N yer parets also had big arseholes cuz o Vady" Hagrid winked at Harry. "Wanna go t Diagional Dragon Alley with me?"
"Yes" Harry said happily.
Hagrid pulled out his cloak and gave Harry a part of his cloak. "Grab me cloak Arry"
"Ok" Harry said and he grabbed Hagrids cloak