Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note, Takeshi Obata does. If I owned Death Note, Misa would have had access to hammer space. Anything else I make reference to is not owned by me either, but it'd spoil the fun if I listed them all here.
Episode the Third: Deal or No Deal
Matsuda: "Ok let's review what we've got so far. So far we've received over nine thousand calls, most of them were asking us if our refrigerator was running, but we did receive 14 calls from people claiming to have seen Kira. They gave us detailed reports and from their description we've determined that Kira is about 7-8 feet tall, extremely hairy, elusive, and lives in the forests of Canada."
Soichiro: "That's Bigfoot, you dumbass. So then we have no leads whatsoever. What do we know about the victims."
Aizawa: "The victims, that is all Japanese prisoners dying of acute head Asplosion, were all killed between 11 PM and 2 AM, the majority between 11PM and 12AM and 1:30 and 2AM."
L: "Based off that information it is possible that Kira is a…"
And then the computer froze.
L: "Damn Windows Vista! More convenient my ass."
L unplugged his computer and after running the mandatory scandisk continued.
L: "It is possible that Kira is an Adult Swim watcher. This would suggest that he is in the 14-25 age range. Also, the high concentration of kills between 11 and 12 suggests that he is tired of their constant whoring of Futurama and Family Guy. The concentration between 1:30 and 2AM suggests that he dislikes Inuyasha, but not enough to simply go to sleep sooner. Based off that information I conclude that Kira is male and an anime lover. He also probably wants to become a god. All in all we can conclude that he is very immature and childish on many levels. This is only a theory, but do not doubt the power of otaku, they may be incapable of bathing at conventions, but we must consider all possibilities."
Soichiro: "Thank you L. Is there anything else anyone would like to say?"
Matsuda: "Umm, I don't mean to give credit to Kira, but the number of crimes around the world is decreasing, is what he's doing really that bad?"
L: "Matsuda please approach my computer, I want to talk to you."
Matsuda complied and when he got near the computer Watari slapped him, knocking Matsuda to the floor.
L: "Kira is bad, and I can't have you lowering the IQ of this investigation team, from now on any time I feel you are saying something needlessly stupid, I'm going to electrocute you."
Watari pulled out a remote control and taped an electrode to Matsuda's leg.
L: "Don't even think about trying to remove it, it's taped to your leg hairs, and that really hurts."
Watari pressed a button on his remote control and Matsuda convulsed as the electricity ran through him.
Matsuda: "AHHHH, it hurts, save me Stephen Hawking, please I beg you."
L: "Now that we know that works, that's all for today, dismissed."
Afterwards Matsuda bought coffee for Soichiro and went to apologize for his boneheadedness in the meeting.
Matsuda: "Chief I'm sorry, I didn't mean for it to sound like I was supporting Kira."
Soichiro: "Don't apologize, your stupidity lessons the seriousness of the group, we'd go crazy if we didn't have you to laugh at, in fact…"
Soichiro pulled out a remote control and electrocuted Matsuda, causing him to spill hot coffee all over himself.
Matsuda: "AHHHH, it burns, both inside and outside, why do you have a remote?"
Soichiro: "Oh man, I'm so glad L decided to let the chief investigators in on the fun, I feel like I could spend the next few weeks on the case nonstop after this."
Soichiro walked off laughing at Matsuda's misfortune.
Meanwhile at Light's house, Light was promising to protect his sister Sayu from the "nasty monster" in exchange for some of her more mind expanding meds.
Light: "I can't wait to lace Ryuk's apples with these, it's gonna be a blast."
Sayu: "Hey, it looks like dad's home, early even!"
Sayu ran downstairs to greet him.
Light: "Hey, at least give me an advance shipment, you drugged up looney."
Sayu: "They're on my bedstand okay?"
Light and his family ate dinner together, and for the first time Sayu had no incident with Ryuk watching them, due to her new deal for protection.
Soichiro: "So Light how is school? How many times did you get kicked out of class this week for repeatedly saying 'just as planned' repeatedly?"
Light: "Only four."
Soichiro: "That's an improvement, though I don't see what your obsession is with that catchphrase, it's not even that great. Hell even 'Believe it' would be a better catchphrase."
Meanwhile somewhere in Konoha:
Naruto and company are stalking out a highly dangerous location: "BELIEVE IT!"
Sasuke: "What the Hell did you do that for, you've completely blown our cover!"
Naruto: "I just got the feeling, someone, somewhere said something that needed to be punctuated by my catchphrase."
Team 7 is brutally slaughtered by enemy ninja, back to Light's room.
Ryuk: "So Light, your father doesn't suspect a thing?"
Light: "No, Ryuk."
Ryuk: "Even though you hack into his computer to get the names of criminals?"
Light: "He never checks file history, defrags, or even washes his cookies, I could sign him up for every porno site out there and he'd have no clue what happened."
Ryuk: "Man, that's just not fair, using the old guys lack of knowledge about technology against him……..I love it! What was that you said about signing him up for dirty websites?"
Light: "Yeah I could do that, but I'm trying to kill people, if the police stop investigating me, I'll show you how to do that to people to your heart's content."
Ryuk: "All the more reason for you to get L's name."
Light: "You know, you could help me."
Ryuk: "I'm just here to watch, I just want you to know that I have the power to aid you, but I will never use it since being a dick is fun."
Light: "Fine, whatever asshole. Looks like the police have begun suspecting an Adult Swim watcher is committing the killings, and discovered my hatred for Inuyasha. I wonder, if I write Head Asplosion as the cause of death, then write the name of the TV show that's on when I want the death to happen, if it will work, perhaps one of those commercial bumps could help me…"
Deus Ex Commercial Bump
Death NoteTM for Dummies
If the cause of Death is written within 10 seconds of the Name and the writer's shoe is on his head then an additional 3-5 minutes is added to write details about the death.
The makers of Death NoteTM reserve the right to deny any Death, name, or cause of Death that may be written in Death NoteTM that violates the TOS agreement, the writer must agree to the TOS within four weeks of writing a name in the Death NoteTM and must have read and agreed to the TOS within the last 5 years to avoid having to reread and agree should the writer wish to use a new Death NoteTM.
End Commercial Bump
Light: "Well that was convenient, so Ryuk, what are these TOS?"
Ryuk: "Oh not much, just that you promise not to post spoilers or profanity or flame anyone in the Death Note, you know like any other agreement."
Light: "Well then I guess I agree."
Ryuk: "Ok, good to get that piece of beauracracy out of the way."
Light: "You know, things would go more smoothly if you'd just tell me everything I need to know at once."
Ryuk: "Nah, my information having a Deus Ex Machina feel to it is much more fun."
A brief check on the investigation team.
Soichiro: "What, there were deaths during every hour of the day yesterday?"
Aizawa: "Yes, that's right."
Soichiro: "Is there any sort of pattern to this like before?"
Matsuda: "Well all the deaths to coincide with an airing of either Scrubs, the Daily Show, or the Colbert Report on Comedy Central! Maybe he watches those shows?"
Matsuda's suggestion was met with an electric shock.
L: "Moron, everyone knows Comedy Central airs those shows about 4 times a day, it's only a coincidence. It's obvious that I was wrong, the identity of Kira is a complete mystery that no one can solve."
Matsuda: "What….if….he….figured….out….we were….targeting….Adult Swim watchers…..and intentionally….changed his pattern.
L: "Hmm, what if he figured out we were targeting Adult Swim watchers and intentionally changed his pattern to suit it, that could be the case."
Soichiro, Aizawa, and Mogi: "Great idea L, that must be it!"
Matsuda: "It was my idea."
All three men and Watari shocked Matsuda.
L: "Stop saying words. However, if that were the case then Kira's speedy response would mean that Kira has access to police records."
Back in Light's room
Light: "Now to check on the investigation team's progress on my case….oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, they've figured out that the person who's Kira has access to police files. Oh this is so not just as planned."
Ryuk: "I think your father has a point Light, that's not that great a catchphrase."
Light: "Well what should I say then Ryuk? Super special awesome? Friggin Sweet? D'oh? That's called plagiarism Ryuk, and that's not cool."
Jaded Ninja: "That's right kids, you should never ever take someone's idea without first asking them, why you'd have to be an inconsiderate loser to do that."
Ryuk: "Ugh, fine so what are you going to do now Light?"
Light: "First I intend to soil myself, then intend to regroup and come up with a new plan."
Returning to the investigation.
Soichiro: "What are these?"
Cowards: "As you can see they are class action lawsuits, unless you release us from this case, we will sue your ass for endangering us and our families."
Soichiro: "No court in the world will side with a policeman who doesn't want to do his job."
Cowards: "That's not true, we've already lined up the judge who sided with the lady who burned herself with McDonalds coffee, and hired the lawyer for the OJ case."
Soichiro: "You heartless bastards."
Xehanort: "Hey I take offense at that, I'm staying on the case."
Soichiro: "Oh right, I'm sorry, didn't see you there."
L: "Let the cowards go Soichiro, I don't need their kind on the case."
The cowards leave.
L: "Dammit I was bluffing, I never was good at reverse psychology."
Now a new location, L's secret base.
The man on L's computer: "I had the FBI arrive in Japan earlier this week."
L: "The FBI? Can't you do anything right, I specifically asked for the KGB."
Man: "L, the KGB hasn't existed since the fall of the Soviet Union in the 90s."
L: "I don't want to hear your excuses, you've failed me again Starscream. I guess there's no sense in crying over spilled milk, just have the FBI investigate the police."
Man: "Is that ethical, investigating your allies without their knowledge or consent?"
L: "You see this is exactly why I wanted the KGB, they don't question orders they just get the job done. Stupid capitalists."
Ryuk is walking home with Light
Ryuk: "Hey Light, remember how I said I was going to withhold and all knowledge I have until it retained an almost Deus Ex Machina like property to it?"
Light: "Yeah why?"
Ryuk: "Well now's one of those times, we're being followed."
Light: "I hope it's not fangirls."
Fortunately for Light it was not fangirls and he managed to get home without being mobraped.
Ryuk: "Light, today's your lucky day, the DEM knowledge is just abounding. Death God's kill humans to steal their lifespans for themselves, and with our hacked eyes we can see anyone's name and lifespans just by looking at their face."
Light: "Why are you telling me this? Do you just want to brag about how much better you are than me?"
Ryuk: "Well that's an added bonus, but I can give you my hacked eyes."
Light: "So that I could see my stalker's name, and were I to have a picture of him, L's name?"
Ryuk: "Exactly."
Light: "What do I have to do to get them?"
Ryuk: "Not much, just give me half your lifespan."
Light: "Hmm, that's an interesting proposal, I'll need some time to think about it?
Ryuk: "How long?"
Light: "Oh about one week."
Ryuk: "You're serious, you're gonna make everyone wait one week for a yes or no answer to a simple question."
Light: "Yes Ryuk, it's called a cliffhanger ending, it ensures that we'll have readers next update."
Ryuk: "Does that really work?"
Light: "As long as we don't unnecessarily abuse the endings it will work JUST AS PLANNED."
Ryuk: C-C-C-C-C-COMBO BREAKER.
Author's Note: There you have it the third episode. I actually had written out Light's response to the eye deal before watching and realizing they put it off until episode 4. Also the thing about Death Note on Adult Swim, I can't find anywhere confirming it, but has blocked out what's running in the 12AM spot after the 20th of October, and that's what the buzz on the Adult Swim action board on Gamefaqs tells me. I'm also running off a high right now, since FUNimation took over dubbing One Piece, no more horrid 4Kids version. I loathe 4Kids, and actually considered doing a 4Kids Death Note parody before settling on this one. Anyway, hope you enjoy it.