ME: Alright guys, I'm back. This one is dedicated to Gunner's Mate 2nd Class Danny Dietz, for he unfortunately died in Afghanistan nearly nine years ago. We must remember him and enjoy the freedom he sacrificed himself for.

Here's the story-just don't try this in real life.

EMILE:

"You're scared of her?" Six said.

The older man gritted his teeth. "Yes Alex, I, Emile, the blood-crazed, Innie-killing, Kukri-wielding death machine cannot ask Rosenda out."

"Why?" The Lieutenant mocked. "Afraid she'll be the one enemy you cannot overcome, that she'll-."

"Your twin sister does not count as experience with females ya dumb hick!"

"The term's redneck pal!" Alex shot back. "And for the record I'd never stoop that low."

"Noted," Emile replied. "And I'm sorry, just how exactly am I supposed to woo her?"

"Call me sir."

"Sir..."

The Texan looked him in the eye. "Be yourself, be the best man you can be. That's what our fathers would tell us."

"Yup."

ROSENDA:

"MRE SHAKES?!" She screamed. "WHO'S BRIGHT IDEA WAS THAT!"

Agent Connecticut raised her hands in defense. "Hey, don't get pissy with me! You know for a fact only Wash would willingly entrust Caboose with prep."

"WHY DO YOU GUYS EVEN KEEP THOSE INCOMPETENT SONS OF BITCHES AROUND?!"

"Hey girls!" Donut shouted. "Wanna-."

Tex knocked him out with a punch to the head. "I seriously don't know why anyone takes these Valentine's Day things seriously anymore."

"Oh well," South replied. "Something entertaining might happen tonight."

Suddenly a blind-folded and gagged SCPO Mendez was dragged in, his mustache shaven. Rosenda's eyes further widened when she saw he was restrained by Jorge and Emile.

Alex walked up to them. "Hey y'all, we need all of that MRE shake stuff for...um..."

Without hesitation the sassy woman handed it to him. "We were never here, got it?"

He merely nodded.

SEVEN:

"You guys really force-fed him a blended MRE?" She asked Jorge. "After shaving his mustache?"

"Yup," he replied casually. "Bastard sent Team Black to the brig after they beat up Red during training-after Red attacked Black-One and took out her eye. I don't regret his lessons, but he kinda had it coming."

Rosenda shook her head. "You idiots'll regret the day your parents decided to have children for this."

Emile smiled. "Happy Valentine's Day to you too Rose."

"..." "I'm out of here!"

Charlie smacked her head. If there was one thing Spartans were bad at, it was when it came to tact. And even she suffered from it.

ME: This author does not condone the needless harm of drill instructors. They're like parents-you hate 'em, then mature and realize you needed them.