Inside the Mind of A Dirty Old Dog
Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge
The one thing Sirius Black did not expect when he was freed from the veil, was to fall in love. Well, at least not with her anyway. But when the damage is done, how do you get the girl you love to return the feeling? You do it Marauder style of course! SBHG - Written in diary format.
I'm only saying this once, so listen in. I don't own Harry Potter.
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January 4th – 2009
As I said, lilies are her favourite type of flower. So, today I bought some lilies and chocolate sea shells. I'm going to send them to her tonight, from a post office in Scotland. Otherwise she'll probably track me down. She just has to know everything, which admittedly is one reason why I love/like her so much.
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January 4th – 2009
It's done. Aren't you going to congratulate me?
On sending someone flowers? No.
Reemy Reemy Reemy. When are you going to lose the attitude? Surely you've gotten over the teenage mood swings by now.
Ha. Ha. Ha. I'm tired. It's just been the full moon. My lovely wife is waiting for me and I'm stuck here writing in your diary.
You could always leave if you want... even though you took a Marauder's oath. And I have information that you don't want getting out...
Funny. Your a real riot Padfoot. Blackmail is an offence.
And you'd risk your secret getting out? I go down, I'm taking you with me.
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January 5th – 2009
Generally I don't get up early in the morning. Never have been, never will be a morning person. But I couldn't sleep, so I'm in the kitchen at 6:00am. On a Sunday. Everybody is going to the Burrow for lunch today, I think Molly misses having lots of people around. Now that Ron lives with Luna, and Ginny with Harry, the house is empty. Hermione and Graham are going to be there. Graham being her boyfriend. Prick. I'm still looking forward to going though, even though he will be there. Because she will be there. And she'll most probably tell Ginny about the wonderful gift I gave her. Not that she knows I gave it to her. If I were a girl, and prone to romantic moments, I'd swoon.
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January 5th – 2009
I'm leaving in about five minutes. I plan on getting there early. Which is also something I generally don't do.
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January 5th – 2009
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
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January 6th – 3009
I was too pissed off to write yesterday. Guess what darling Graham did for Hermione yesterday? Sent her lilies and chocolate seashells. That's right. Coincidentally the same thing I sent her. And, because of some freakish bad luck, my seashells and lilies didn't get there. Merlin loves games doesn't he? Or maybe, just maybe, he took the credit for my gift... that could be a possibility. The bastard! The fucking bastard! I put time and effort into that gift, and he took the credit!
A lot of effort.
Shut up Moony, I'm not in the mood. He stole my gift.
I know he did. And he shouldn't have. He lied to the woman he apparently loves, and I don't like him for doing so but you need to calm down.
I'm pissed off.
I know. But really, when you think about it, this is just good luck for you.
Really? I fail to see how.
Now who's being sarcastic? Graham lied to his girlfriend. Of course thats helpful! She will be angry at him when she knows the truth.
Hmm. I need to think about this and how I can manipulate it to my advantage.
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January 7th – 2009
Moony old boy you've done it again!
Oh no. I'm pretty sure I didn't mean to do it...
Well you have! What are we Marauders good at?
Erm... we're good at having sudden mood swings?
Dickhead. We're good at pranks!
Uh... yeah. And this is going where?
To the greatest prank of the year.
Oh no.
Oh yes.
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January 7th – 2009
Kids. I have a guide. It is called: How To Plan The Greatest Prank Ever. By Sirius Black.
Take notes.
1.Come up with a cunning plan that would put Snivelly to shame.
2.Work out how to make said cunning plan come true.
3.Put said cunning plan into action.
4.Soak up the embarrassment/anger that said cunning plan creates.
It's a masterpiece. I know. I'm working on number one, coming up with a cunning plan. Speakin of Snivvy, how are you today Remus?
Funny. You're such a comedian. I'm here to help with the prank, not to be abused.
Okay okay... you're just too easy a target.
Few people would call a werewolf an easy target.
The werewolf is my best friend, which makes the fact that he is a werewolf inconclusive. Now. The cunning plan.
I swear we weren't this retarded when we were younger.
On the contrary, you were quite retarded when you were younger...
Do you want my help or not? As I said, I'm not here to be abused.
Alright. The cunning plan.
I give up. If you keep saying cunning plan I'm going to puke.
Cunning plan.
You are such a child. I'm going home to sleep on it. Don't call me.
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10th January – 2009
Remus. It's been three days since he did the dirty on me.I need my revenge. Too much longer and I will tarnish the respected name of Marauder.
Did the dirty huh?
You know what I mean.
Well, as we can't have the respected name of Marauder tarnished... and as much as I'd like to say that you should fight your own battles, I have the perfect 'cunning' plan.
I'm waiting on the edge of my seat.
Weasley barbeque, tomorrow. We'll have a Quidditch game like usual, right? Well, get him really really muddy, and I mean covered, so he has to have a shower. While he showers, steal his clothes. And towel. And wand. And everything else he can cover himself with, except perhaps a bright pink tiny towel. And turn him pink. With a bow in his hair. Then make him go outside to get help. Am I genius? Or am I genius?
I bow down to you O Great One. You are pure genius. I promise not to mention a certain episode with our arch-nemesis Snivvy until the Greatest Prank Of The Year is complete.
Thanks. Thanks very much. Considering that the barbeque is tomorrow... very generous. And don't ever say 'arch-nemesis' again.
I'll try an avoid it.
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10th January – 2009
Kiddies. Step number one has been completed, curtesy of my dear friend Remus. Step number two: Work out how to make it come true. Getting him muddy shouldn't be too hard. I just have to dump him on his arse a couple times, and maybe squirt him with mud if I have to. Then I can suggest, or Remus can suggest, that he go take a shower. The next bit is a bit more difficult... I really don't want to see him naked. But I need to get his clothes, towel, and wand, as well stopping him from using anything else but the tiny pink towel. Then I need to make him come outside. And I need to turn him pink. So complicated... I'm going to have a nap.
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10th January – 2009
Turning him pink: easy, I could do that in my sleep. Just a simple colour change spell.
Stealing his clothes, towel and wand: Invisibility cloak, which I'll borrow from Harry, a silencing spell and being careful.
Making sure he can only use the tiny pink towel: Looked this up in a spell book, I need to cast the touchis onlius spell. Okay I made that up, I'm using a spell we thought of in our Marauder days. And now step number two is completed. Step three: Put said cunning plan into action. Piece of cake.
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Sorry it took so long, had an insane few weeks with sport. I got a couple questions... so here are the answers. No, Ron is not Hermione's boyfriend. His name is Graham, her boyfriend of two years. He is a made up character, just a random. I didn't want to write angry, jealous, sooky Ron. Also, Sirius is about twenty-six in body, and forty in mind, but he acts more like a teenager/early twenties, because he missed out on some of that because of Azkaban. Thats my excuse anyway. I tried to make him sound more mature... don't think it worked that well though. Thankyou to everyone who reviewed, and even those who alerted my story and didn't review... I love reviews... hint hint. Cheers,
Lady Sarai