Clarie's POV
Waking up, I yawned and curled back up into a ball. Kill me now, I thought. Today, when that one day where I would go against all of my friends' wishes and gladly die, right there, right now. No one could stop me right? Well... that one person who was a lifeline, the one and only who held my existence together with a word.
He was my friend really but I knew he loved me, in some way. I had told him that I could never accept his love as I could have before.
But I tried, for 6 months.
The thought of the warmth that could have been there brought tears that would overwhelm my body like the grief already had for a steady 3 years.
Getting out of bed, I shivered slightly. The cold of the wind almost matched the coldness of my black emptiness. Slapping myself awake, I sat up.
Looking around I saw the rope that I hid every morning from David, so he didn't sleep on the the floor of my bedroom every night like he used to- it comforted me to know that someone cared for my life, but I could care less.
The rope reminded me that, at any given time, I could end my life within seconds.
My hand itches to grab the rope and end my thinking, my train of thought, with blissful silence.
But alas, I could hear David in the kitchen, cooking up breakfast.
A cold wind whipped hair in front of my face, pulling me from the darkness of my thoughts. Hmm... I didn't know the window was open...
Sighing, I knew today was not the day to die. I needed to do what I did every time this date popped up- April 12. I went to that pond in the forest of Burgess that always stayed frozen no matter how warm it got. I found peace there even if I were on the brink on killing myself.
Quickly getting up, I grabbed the rope and held it up to my face. Leaning in, I smelled the wood scent of the rope and sighed.
If only...
I untangled the rope and held the noose, fingering it between my fingers.
If only... Ugh, get ahold of yourself! Not now, not now... well...
I gave a frustrated sigh. Sometimes I wished it was easy, that I could end my life and thoughts, so I wouldn't have to deal with my brain pulling me in two. I looked at the door.
Well, time to face the day. Even if it could be so easy to just put this- Oh stop. You can't. Not now.
Without my knowledge, my feet move me towards the door and my hands grab my robe, to provide myself some more warmth than my night shirt and pants. My hand reached for the door handle just as I came to my senses.
The rope!
It was still in my hand.Walking over I grabbed the rope and shoved it in my drawer, into the slat of wood that I hid it under.
Phew!
Turning around I saw David in the doorway.
Quickly wrapping the robe tighter around me, I tilted your head to the side, indicating the question, What do you want?
David's voice filled my head again.
"No, Clarie, just no".
So calmly he said it, it made me worried, but I had to assure him that I wasn't going to kill myself... yet.
"Don't worry. I wasn't going to hurt myself. Have some faith in me!"
His eyes narrowed, but just nodded and said nothing.
"Um... do I have to get undressed with you standing there now? 'Cause that would be weird".
When he raised his eyebrows, you added
"...Unless you want to? I have a bathroom..."
"NO! I-uh- I mean I'll leave".
He added something that sounded like "I don't want to push you".
Raising my eyebrows at him, understanding what he thought I meant, I laughed.
"You thought... oh what do you think I am!"
He stared at me in shock and I stopped laughing just as shocked as he.
Why did I laugh? I'm not changing am I?
I felt a warmth spread through your chest out and around me, than it was gone. Shaking my head I waved a hand, motioning for him to leave.
"You can leave now Dan. I'm fine. Just a weird feeling."
I saw a smile spread over his face.
"Oh, well I hope it happens again."
He turned away and closed the door. I swore you heard him say 'it looks good on you'.
Shaking my head, I turned to your closest and picked out some warm clothes for my trek outside that morning through afternoon.