So the way these are going to run, is like little extracts for each pairing. It's all over-simplified and over-generalised, I know; but this isn't meant to be a serious fic :) It's a bit more difficult with the characters not knowing the dialogue that is being written, but I hope each stereotypical situation is able to be identified and enjoyed!

Yaoi warnings from pretty much hereon out. Don't ask me where this is placed in the manga/anime (some things just don't make sense in fanfiction haha)

Enjoy!

"Deck the halls with boughs of holly…"

"Oh hell no," Kisame remarked flatly.

Itachi found himself looking to his right and managed to contain his amusement by simply raising a single eyebrow. Their surroundings quickly came into focus, accompanied by the awful ringing of sleigh-bells and carolers.

"…Red suits you, Kisame," Itachi commented flatly; in a somewhat mocking tone as Kisame glared back at him, looking mortified at being caught dressed as Santa Claus.

"Love the dress, Itachi," Kisame remarked back snidely, running his eyes over the Uchiha's own ungainly apparel and shifting uncomfortably in his seat upon the chair; spying a line of what appeared to be children beginning to line up a bit further down a long red carpet. Itachi looked down at his outfit and mentally swore to punish whoever was writing this.

"It's a tunic," he snapped back; irritated because it looked more like a dress than a tunic. He was wearing a green elf's costume; with matching elf-hat and boots with bells. He was wearing white gloves and ridiculous white stockings; and it was mortifying.

"Of course…" Kisame rolled his eyes, "…Tell me…what are we doing here?"

"…I believe you are a mall Santa Claus…" Itachi replied quietly, noticing the line of cueing people.

"Itachi!" suddenly, a strange person he had never seen before in his life hurried up to them, shoving a camera in Itachi's waiting hands, "What are you doing just standing around? The kids are waiting to get their pictures taken!" Apparently Itachi replied, because this newcomer smirked knowingly and chuckled, winking at him.

"…Oh, I see," the young woman giggled, "Okay, don't worry, Itachi; I'll help you out! It's about time you confessed to Kisame anyways!"

"…Confessed to me…" Kisame remarked in confusion.

"I have a terrible feeling about this," Itachi remarked flatly as several more young adults dressed as Christmas elves wandered up to them with smirks plastered all over their faces. He tried to activate his Sharingan, but somehow found himself unable to. As the group approached, he longed to lash out and warn them to keep back, but his body just would not respond to his will.

"So…Itachi…" one of the young men inquired curiously, "…You got anyone you're planning on spending Christmas eve with?" Again; they seemed to think that Itachi replied because they all laughed.

"…You're just no fun," one of the girls complained, "…Where's your sense of Christmas spirit? Don't you have anything you want for Christmas?"

"What is going on?" Itachi growled.

"…I wish I knew what they thought you were saying…" Kisame remarked, and Itachi could tell that the giant blue man was desperately trying to fidget but unable to.

"You and me both," the Uchiha muttered, feeling more and more apprehensive with every step those strange people took. All of a sudden, one of them knocked into him, and suddenly finding his limbs incredibly sluggish and ungraceful, he went tumbling backwards over the arm of Kisame's Santa throne, landing right in Santa's lap with his hat askew. Itachi had read enough Christmas fanfictions to know where this was going.

"Ooh! Look! Mistletoe!" the girls were all squealing. Itachi's eyes drifted upwards aggressively to spy that dreaded, awful plant being dangled above him by one of those annoying, strange people that seemed to know his name, "Go on, Kisame; aren't you going to kiss him?"

"…This is not happening…" Kisame growled darkly, as he and Itachi were forced to look each other directly in the eye as a big blue hand fixed the Uchiha's lopsided hat. Itachi gritted his teeth as he found that one of his hands was sitting against Kisame's strong chest, gripping at the fabric languidly.

"You have to!" the strangers were crowing gleefully; wolf whistling. Kisame averted his eyes as his hand moved off its own free will to brush aside the bangs that had fallen across Itachi's face. Trying with all his being to resist the manipulation, he found his head leaning forwards, slowly pulling Itachi's up to meet him.

Eyes clenched tightly in a grimace, their lips met; Itachi wriggling to get more comfortably in Kisame's lap; hands meekly pressed up against him as Kisame's rough lips pressed up against his; coercing a response from him. Itachi felt a tongue brush against the seam of his lips, and against his will, they parted to let Kisame's tongue dip in and taste his mouth. Slowly, Kisame pulled back, his face curled into what was apparently meant to be an endearing smile, but in reality turned out to look more like grimace. As the other elves cheered, their surroundings began to blur, and in the blink of an eye, they were back in that infernal white room; Kisame sitting on the floor against a wall, with Itachi sitting in his lap.

"…What just happened?" Deidara inquired, aghast as Itachi tried to scramble to his feet whilst maintaining as much dignity as humanly possible. Thankfully, he was back in his own clothes and not that god-awful elf costume. He wiped his mouth distastefully.

"…I don't want to talk about it," he growled crossly, folding his arms with a huff as Sasuke smirked at his brother's discomfort, "…But it appears that though this writer can control our actions, they can't control our words…though any other characters appear to think that we speak…"

"So you didn't tell 'Sora' to not embarrass you in front of Kisame?" Deidara snorted cheekily, pointing up at the wall, "…We read what the writer intended you to say." He smirked as Itachi glared at him coolly.

"…I can't believe they made us kiss…" Kisame growled darkly; not able to meet Itachi's gaze.

"…With the fanfiction that's out there, count yourself lucky that that's all they made us do…" Itachi shuddered.

" –Wait, where are Gaara and Neji?" Naruto inquired suddenly, noticing the lack of a certain redhead in the room and his eyes widening at the realisation that he was stranded alone in a room with four members of the criminal organisation out to kill him and Sasuke Uchiha; the man who he considered his best friend, but who he knew could turn on him at any moment.

"…Don't worry, Naruto," Itachi assured him in his deep voice, "…None of here will hurt you –and your friends…" He gestured up at the wall, "…They'll be back soon, I assume."

Gaara sighed heavily, looking down at the paperwork on his desk and beginning to scan it but not fully reading it. Eyes darting around the room, he could've sworn he was back in his office in Suna, apart from the fact that his body was refusing to do anything he willed it to. With a heavy sigh, he found his hands agitatedly shuffling through his papers as there was a knock on the door.

"Lord Kazekage?" Matsuri's voice chirped through the door as she peered through with curious eyes, "Your lov –I mean…the Konoha Ambassador is here to see you." Apparently he told her to fetch the messenger, because she nodded obediently, and ushered someone into the room before politely closing the door behind her. Gaara looked up to see Neji Hyuuga standing there.

"What was she talking about –" Gaara tried to say, but that was when Neji stalked across the room and yanked him to his feet; crushing their lips together and slipping his tongue into Gaara's surprised mouth. The Kazekage, who had never been kissed before, felt himself blushing in horror as he felt his own tongue entwine with Neji's in a hot, passionate kiss. Almost as suddenly as it had begun, Neji pulled back, his eyes wide with horror at what he'd just done.

"…I am so sorry…" he apologised quickly before his lips reattached to Gaara's neck and began sucking harshly at the skin there, his hips pushing Gaara back against his desk and forcing their hips to connect.

"What…what is going on…" Gaara managed to gasp out, a little breathless with shock and the fact that his entire body seemed to be suddenly very sensitive.

"I…I don't know –" Neji breathed softly, his tongue tracing all the way up Gaara's throat and slipping into his mouth again, wrapping his arms around the smaller man and grinding their bodies together. Gaara felt his head being pushed back and Neji's tongue delving forth to ravage him, and he felt his knees growing weak as he clutched at his desk with one hand to keep his balance; his other hand automatically wrapping itself around the Hyuuga's body and gripping his long hair tightly.

Neji was mortified at his body's actions as he rolled his hips up against the Kazekage's; noticing the intense blush that the redhead seemed to be sporting. Planting both hands forcefully beside Gaara on his desk, he deepened their kiss further, feeling him quiver beneath him.

"What –nnn…" Gaara tried to say as they broke apart for air, but he was suddenly finding that his pants were feeling far too tight from the all-too pleasurable friction that Neji was creating between them. He found his arms just clinging to Neji's back as he felt himself begin to grind down against the knee that was pressed to his crotch. He could feel his clothed cock hardening. Neji's grinding grew more forceful and far more pleasurable and their lips met again; Gaara unable to prevent himself from letting out a breathy gasp. What he was feeling was so foreign; most people never being able to get this close to him; let alone in such an intimate way. Neji gave him a horrified, apologetic look as one of his hands slid up against Gaara's covered erection and began palming it in time with his grinding.

Gaara's orgasm took him almost completely by surprise. He'd felt the pleasure mounting throughout his body, and then all of a sudden, he was seeing stars and throwing his head back as fire coursed through his system; leaving his body weak and his pants sticky. Neji caught him as he staggered, wrapping his arms around him protectively and supporting him as the redhead shuddered several times; panting heavily.

That was the position which they returned to the white room in; Neji holding Gaara as though the redhead was injured and Gaara trying to understand what had just happened. Neji looked mortified as he looked up in horror to see everyone in the room staring at him.

"Wow…" Naruto remarked, blinking in surprise.

"Can someone tell me what the hell just happened?" Neji snapped irritably, taking a polite step away from the Kazekage and trying to regain some of his dignity.

"…You were apparently the Kazekage's long-time fuck-buddy," Hidan offered with a cackle, "…Who you just dry-humped against his fucking desk –" Neji flushed red in embarrassment at his shameful behaviour, about to advance angrily to confront the jashinist. Naruto held out a hand to stop him.

"No, Neji; we need to work together –" he began to say.

Thunder rumbled.

Naruto woke up with a start in a soft bed. He blinked his bright eyes several times and shivered, clutching at the blankets as lightning flashed. His curtains billowed; the window was open. Getting out of bed, he tiptoed over and slammed it shut; hearing the rain falling heavily outside. Shivering again, he looked out at the storm, having the uncomfortable feeling that he was being watched. The night was cold.

What was going on?

Lightning flashed suddenly once more, and with shock, he caught sight of a reflection in the mirror. Spinning around, he was horrified and relieved to see Sasuke standing on the other side of the room; dressed entirely in black, and his pale skin seeming even whiter in the dim lighting.

"Sasuke –what's happening this time –" he inquired quietly, backing away slowly. Faster than he had ever seen anyone move, Sasuke was behind him, his hands clenching Naruto's biceps in a vice-like grip. Naruto felt warm breath against his neck and –was Sasuke smelling him?

All of a sudden, he was released again, and Sasuke was on the other side of the room, clenching his fists and his face looking tormented. He ran his hands through his hair aggressively, swiping out at a lamp and sending it flying across the room.

" –This makes no sense!" Naruto exploded, his voice angry, but his body language showing fear. Sasuke glared at him, smirking snidely and revealing pointed fangs, "…Oh no…No…No…" He paused in his movement, watching the heavily breathing raven across the room, before backing away; heading towards the door.

Sasuke was apparently having none of that, as he quickly found his way barred. A pale, cold hand was placed over his eyes and he felt that same warm breath run down along his neck; making him shiver once more. Sasuke's other hand slipped under his shirt, and began languidly tracing the skin of his abdomen in gentle strokes. As the raven made an annoyed, disgusted sound, Naruto surprised himself at the discovery that his skin wasn't crawling from the sensation of another man's touch.

Something sharp pricked his neck and he winced, feeling blood begin to bead at the small wound.

" –Why are you a vampire?" Naruto complained crossly, desperately willing his body to move as he felt Sasuke's tongue drag across his skin, lapping at the blood greedily, "No…stop it!"

"…I'm not doing this by choice, you loser –" Sasuke growled darkly, his hand beginning to stroke Naruto's stomach in more forceful trails as he pressed an open-mouthed kiss against a tanned neck before biting down harshly. The blonde gave a short cry and twisted in his grip; to no avail. Sasuke sucked aggressively at the seeping wound, his arms now tightly preventing Naruto from escaping.

All of a sudden, as though fighting an internal war with himself, the raven tore away, pressing himself back against the nearest wall; allowing Naruto to topple to the floor. The blonde looked up through hurt blue eyes and noticed that Sasuke was breathing heavily; blood trickling down his chin with guilt and turmoil written all over his face; though his eyes showed outrage at being a pawn in someone else's story.

Sasuke knew this story too well. He'd read far too many fanfictions where he was the vampire seeking a mate; or a heartless killer…in any situation where he was portrayed as a blood-sucker, he'd inevitably end up falling in love with the bright-eyed, innocent human who would either choose to join him in immortality, or who would change his undead existence….

And now he was trapped in that exact story.

His tongue was salty with Naruto's blood and he stared darkly at the blonde backing away from him. He had to admit that it was nice to see the idiot grovelling like this for a change; showing the fear that he really should harbour for him. Unfortunately, he could still see that angry defiance in those blue eyes, and knew it wasn't real.

"There has to be a way to end this jutsu!" Naruto exclaimed in exasperation as he watched Sasuke's body show all outward signs of conflicting emotions as he ran his tongue across his lips; expression one of tortured satisfaction, followed instantly by guilt. Almost instantly, Naruto felt himself being dragged to his feet and then strangely gently being placed back into his bed. He looked up to see Sasuke's face looking down at him coldly, and felt something strange surge through him as a pale, deathly cold hand ran down his cheek in a simple show of affection.

And just like that, he had disappeared from the room and into the darkness. Naruto groaned aloud, wincing at the throbbing pain in his neck and staring up at the roof. He didn't think that things could get any weirder.

As if this strange world was out to prove him wrong, the room around him began to change. The darkness was suddenly replaced by a beautiful, soft, natural light; the dull roof being replaced by a gentle white. He blinked several times in confusion; not quite understanding the change in scenery. He flexed his fingers and found that his joints were aching. Even the bed under him had changed in an instant; no longer a bed; but a couch in a quaint living room.

His blue eyes scanned the room; it looked like he was back in Konoha (thank god)…but what was…as he struggled to sit up, he couldn't help but let a horrified shriek escape from his lips.

"NO! NO! THIS IS NOT HAPPENING! NOOOO!"

Hidan chugged back a beer and flicked the bartender a tip, taking a drag on a cigarette, eyeing up the club patrons that were on offer that night, but no one really catching his eye. He yawned, blowing off several women that tried to hit on him and ordering another drink.

"…Hey, Hidan," the bartender –fuck, was that Kakuzu –commented with a chuckle, "…You're being checked out…" Kakuzu nodded out to the dance-floor and Hidan groaned dramatically as he raised an eyebrow.

Deidara was out on the floor, shaking his ass like he did it for a living and grinding up against anyone that came within reach. He was looking directly at Hidan, and fuck –did he just lick his lips? Yes, Deidara was licking his lips, and grinding his ass up against some sleazebag; looking directly at him and showing off his bare, toned stomach. The blonde ran a hand down his chest seductively, his other groping down the leg of the man he was dancing with.

"Tell you what; you go over there and dance with the blonde, and I'll let you have this one drink free," Kakuzu smirked, sliding a shot towards him. Hidan apparently appeared to consider this for a moment before swiftly downing the shot and popping his collar; putting out his cigarette on the bar. "…Go get him, tiger –"

"Fucking hell, Kakuzu…" Hidan grumbled crossly, hating the way he adjusted his necklace and began smoothly stalking out to the dance-floor to where Deidara appeared to be quite happily grinding up against some red-head that strangely resembled Sasori. Upon closer inspection, however, Deidara's eyes displayed how displeased he was with this situation.

"…You look like a tool, yeah," the blonde snapped angrily, as soon as Hidan approached him, eyeing the tight black pants and purple dress shirt with the rolled up sleeves that the jashinist was sporting, "I didn't know you smoked..."

"Adds to the fucking 'tool' look. And well, you look like a fucking slut," Hidan growled back, giving Deidara a 'you can't talk' look; eyeing the half-top and form-fitting leather pants that the blonde was wearing; showing off his midriff, "You seem to be enjoying yourself…" As if on cue, Deidara immediately looped his arms around the platinum-haired man's neck and hooked a leg up over his hip seductively, "Oh fucking hell no! You get your fucking hands off me or –"

" –Or what?" Deidara snapped, "I can't bloody control my body! You think I'd be fucking –" His words were cut off as Hidan's mouth was suddenly very close to his ear and both of his large hands were planted firmly on the blonde's ass, "…When we get out of this, yeah, I am blowing you to pieces, you piece of shit!" Hidan gritted his teeth as his hands gripped Deidara's ass tighter and forced their hips to grind together in time to the music. Their bodies began to grow sticky with the sweat and atmosphere of the club.

Deidara began running his hands through his hair; his body perfectly happy to leave Hidan to keep him upright as their lower halves ground up against each other. Hidan looked back over his shoulder and saw Kakuzu smirking and giving him a thumbs up.

Hooking one arm around Hidan's neck, Deidara began rolling his hips up against Hidan's lustily, his other hand trailing down the bigger man's shirt; slowly undoing buttons and a sly finger tracing down the centre of his chest.

"If Itachi or Kisame says anything about this, I am fucking cutting their heads off and sticking them on fucking pikes for Jashin…" Hidan swore angrily, finding his own body trying its utmost to press against the blonde as hard as possible. His thumbs hooked beneath the waistband of Deidara's incredibly tight pants, and he leaned forwards again; obviously whispering something to him.

"…Fucking hell…I don't wanna fucking know what I'm saying to you…" Hidan growled menacingly.

Deidara had a terrible feeling that he knew exactly the sorts of things Hidan would be saying to him in this sort of fanfiction, and his fears were confirmed when suddenly, Hidan grabbed him by the hand and began pulling him from the dancefloor, and towards the stairs; to the rooms like likely lay upstairs.

Now, he'd read enough fanfiction to be apprehensive; and horrified with what might lie up those stairs…but as he noticed Hidan's hand resting on his ass again; guiding him upstairs…he found himself feeling something more that dread. Hidan noticed this as well. He noticed the way the blonde suddenly went rather quiet, and his eyes began darting around agitatedly. The jashinist had threatened enough people to know the signs.

…Deidara was nervous?

What situation has Naruto been written into this time? What's in store next for Kisame and Itachi? Poor mortified Neji! And why's Deidara so nervous? Stay tuned and review to find out!

xx K