THE REAPINGS OF THE DISTRICT KNOWN AS TWELVE THAT GOT BLOWN UP BUT THE MARY-SUES SAVED IT WITH THEIR MAGICAL SUEISH POWERS
Okay, I have all of my Sues and Stus. I am sorry if yours didn't get picked.
So I woke up and I realized something absolutely positively horrible! It was my birthday! I was getting old!
Soon, my lovey-dovie Eddie Bear will be so much younger than me even if technically he's 109 and I'm only 19 and he's a total cradle-robber like Jacob Black and our as-of-yet unborn child, Renesmee.
And today's the reaping. That's big, too.
So I get dressed in a red dress that makes me look so sexy, and I toss my hair and go see my Eddie-Weddie.
"Bella, my darling!" he says, swinging me around. You see, he's a vampire. "Happy birthday!"
"No!" I scream. "Happy Birthday is an oxymoron!"
Then we go to the reaping and must separate ourselves from each other. I stand by my best friends, Alice and Rosalie, who are also vampires.
Lady Gaga (Effie left to get a mani-pedi) pulls a name out of the fishbowl. "Isabella Swan!" she yells. That's me! Oh, no! I am going to die and become eternally depressed and now I'll never be a vampire!
I walk up to the stage and wait. I hope the male tribute's attractive…
"Edward Cullen!"
NO! My love and I must fight to the death in an arena that could kill us!
I start to weep. He holds me close and I sob into his well-defined chest.
"Shh…we'll be okay, my love." he murmurs into my hair.
"But…but one of us will not make it home!" I wept.
"We will win. We'll make it home!"
"No we won't! Now go away and let me be emo!"
Then my dad came to visit me. Then Esme and Carlisle came and said they'd be rooting for me and that they loved me. I cried.
Then I climbed on a train with my lovey-poo who still hasn't proposed even if I've been hinting that he shouldn't. Honestly, he should be able to read my mind. I mean, he can read everyone else's. I think it's just selfish of him. Whatever.
I watch the recap of the reapings and cry myself to sleep. Edward watched me, as usual, and I love him for it.