Chapter 3

The sun was already sinking low in the sky, streaking in through the large French doors, as I fumbled my way inside. I held the mail between my teeth, my school bags in my arms along with the few groceries I had picked up and my keys jingling in my hands. It was the last week of school of my first year of teaching, and I dropped all my stuff unceremoniously down on the kitchen table with a long sigh of relief.

I hummed quietly to myself as I put away all the groceries and then began fingering through the mail. My hands froze on a thick, creamy white envelope with my name written elegantly across the front. I held my breath as I opened the curious piece of mail, startled to see a wedding invitation.

Leah Clearwater's wedding invitation. To—my breath caught in my throat—Embry? I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Leah Clearwater had been one of my best friends my whole life, other than Jake. Where I was shy and reserved, clumsy and melodramatic, she was graceful, assertive, a no-bullshit kind of girl. She could be brutally honest. It was one of things I had always loved most about her. At the end of the day, I'd rather have a friend that told me exactly how it was, that I knew would be honest no matter what, than someone who would avoid the issue or sugar-coat it. I needed her swift kick in the ass on more than one occasion.

That thought made me very suspicious of this invitation.

Embry was Jacob's best friend. They had been close all their lives-since diapers, really. I just couldn't believe shy, quiet Embry was marrying loud, obnoxious Leah. I settled on laughing. I had talked to Leah a few times over the years, mostly through email. I was afraid she'd drag me back there kicking and screaming if I talked to her too much, though.

But then again, maybe not. She had understood, all too well, what it felt like to lose somebody. Probably better than I did. Harry, her father, had passed away from heart problems the summer before my mother died. She took it pretty hard. And then, Sam, her longtime boyfriend had up and left her for her cousin Emily the fall after they graduated. She had become very bitter and angry after that. I had always thought that's why she understood why I had to leave, why she never pressed the issue.

Staring at this invitation with its beautiful elegant script made my heart wrench. I missed her. I wanted to be there for her, to see her finally get a happy ending. To see somebody get a happy ending. I was shocked at the sudden intense pull I had to go back home. I wanted to see Leah, I wanted to see my dad Charlie, and I even felt like maybe, just maybe, I could visit the place where we buried my mother. But there was still one person, one thing, I just wasn't ready to face. And I didn't know if I ever could.

Jacob.

His smiling brown eyes danced behind my closed lids. It was easier to stay here, to remember him in my dreams, to recall his promise to love me forever. Going back meant dealing with reality.

The truth.

And the truth was that I had been wrong. I still loved him; I shouldn't have left. And now I had made a life with someone else. Maybe he had too. That thought sent waves of pain and grief crashing over me, twisting knots in my gut and strangling my heart. When did it get so complicated?

"Easy as breathing, Bells," he'd once said to me.

I didn't know how long I stood there, staring at the words printed on the thick paper clutched between my trembling fingers with tears pricking the corners of my eyes. Before I could make sense of the thoughts and emotions that were bouncing around inside my head, Edward walked in the door. I quickly composed myself as his cool arms wrapped around me, pulling me close and placing one sweet, chaste kiss against my temple.

"Hey, love," he murmured in my ear.

"Hi," I said softly, trying to hide the shakiness in my voice. We settled into our comfortable routine, me fixing dinner, Edward working away on his lap top while he sat at the kitchen table. I poured us each a glass of wine, and we ate in a comfortable, easy silence.

"So, when are you leaving for your trip with the girls?" Edward asked as he shoved his plate away and settled back into his chair. I was planning on going with two of my fellow teachers, Jessica and Angela, on a small, end of the school year celebration trip to San Francisco.

"Tomorrow. Angie's picking me up around noon."

"How long will you be gone again, love?"

"Um, I think we're staying almost a week, probably be back next Friday."

He smiled his crooked smile, and I smiled back. He helped me with dishes before we settled into bed. I tried to enjoy our little semblance of a normal life. I had thought this was easy. But every day, I found it a little harder to breathe, like I was suffocating beneath the lies and half-truths and drowning in my misery and regret. I lay in bed that night, thinking about the invitation, about the memories I had promised myself I'd lock away, while Edward slept peacefully at my side.

Finally, unable to stand another minute alone with my thoughts, I tip-toed across the cool hardwood floors and found my cell before stepping out onto the balcony in the pleasantly warm night air. I called Charlie. I knew it was late, a little after ten, but I needed to talk to him. I needed to hear his voice and feel like me again.

"Bells?" He answered on the third ring with a little surprise in his sleepy voice.

"Hey, Dad, I didn't wake you, did I?"

"It's all right. I had just dozed off on the couch watching the game. What's up, kiddo?"

"Oh, nothing, I just—" I really didn't know what to say. I felt lonely, homesick, full of pain, regret, indecision, and haunted by wrong choices and smiling brown eyes. My thoughts were completely cut off and my heart dropped to my stomach when I heard a familiar husky voice through the phone.

"Oh, yeah, I'll see you guys next time," Charlie spoke to what I assumed was Billy and Jake. I knew they always came over for the games, but hearing his voice after all this time had me practically hyperventilating. My knees buckled, and I was sure my heart was going to be ripped from my chest. I was clutching the railing of the balcony with white knuckles and desperately trying to control my breathing, to fight back the tears that were stinging my eyes. "Bells?" Charlie's concerned voice floated through the phone, and I realized he'd been waiting for me to respond. "Everything okay?"

"Sure, sure," I replied, my voice shaky and my hands trembling. "I just miss you, and I wanted to tell you I got an invitation to Leah's wedding in the mail today." I managed to steady my voice and pry my fingers from the railing.

"Oh, uh, yeah. Sue and Leah thought it would be nice if you could come. I know you—" He seemed like he was a bit flustered, not sure what words were okay to say. "—haven't been home since… well, since your mom died, but I was hoping maybe you were ready," he finished quickly, still seeming to hold his breath for my response.

"Actually, Dad, I was thinking about it. I just… I guess I'm scared and nervous, you know?" Dad and I hadn't always been good at communicating or sharing our feeling, and I knew he might feel awkward with me being so honest about mine, but I was so starved for someone to talk to the words just spilled out of me.

"Honey, I understand. I do. But sooner or later you're going to have to deal with these things. You'll feel better if you do." His words really hit home. Maybe if I could gain some closure, I could finally let go and move on. Maybe I would never be able to love another like I did Jake, but maybe I could be content with my life with Edward without the shadows of sadness and feelings of guilt and betrayal to stain it.

"Okay, Dad. I'll think about. I'm just worried about seeing…" I trailed off, unable to say his name out loud, somewhat unwilling to admit just how terrified I was to see him-scared to see him still hurting, still in pain, still loving me, but also afraid to not see it, that maybe he had moved on. He was silent for a long moment before answering as he chose his words very carefully.

"Bells, it'll be okay. I promise." His words hung heavy in the silence between us. We said our goodbyes, and I tried to let myself relax.

Maybe he had moved on.

Maybe Jake had let me go.

I mean, we were just a couple of eighteen year old kids when we made those promises. What did we know about love? I knew I hadn't been able to let him go. I knew the love I had for him felt heavy in my heart, felt like something that I had tried so desperately to let go, but it hung on to me, stalked me, tortured me.

I crawled back into bed, pulling the cover tight around me. I cried silently into my pillow and dreamt of Jake. His husky voice, infectious smile, his throaty chuckle, his warm arms, tender yet passionate kisses, and his dark, soulful eyes that had once seemed to only ever see me filled my dreams, and I knew when I woke up that morning that I was going to have to go home, to face my past, in order to finally let him go, to heal from the pain.