Author's Note- Hey, I haven't updated in awhile but I just put up two chapters and will hopefully update again soon. Let me know what you think!

We are just standing in the hallway. Toby likes Darcy; Toby wants me to talk to Darcy for him. I know for a fact that Darcy isn't interested. She thinks he's a little creep. But I can't tell him that. Yeah, I'll talk to Darcy for you. Then I jump, because there's a loud BANG. Toby says it's probably a car backfiring in the parking lot. He's probably right, I think, and I laugh. But kids are running down the hallway, and I tell Toby, I don't think that was a car backfiring. Sean walks up. "What's going on?" We don't know. We go to look….but we should be running the other way, right? Probably. Rick is walking toward us, but he's not running like everyone else. And then…I see the gun and I freeze. We all do. And I know he's shot someone. Who? Who

Sean tries to talk to him, but I'm not listening. And then the gun is pointed at my face. I realize…he's going to shoot me. In the face. I'm not breathing. But Sean jumps out and grabs the gun, and they struggle. Another BANG. They both fall over. I think Sean's been shot. Someone's been shot, because there's blood creeping toward my feet. I scream and just keep screaming. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Toby leaves to get help.

Finally, Sean gets up, looking horrified. "I didn't…I didn't…Fuck." He's covered in blood, and I see that Rick has been shot. Sean backs away from Rick. He looks at me. "Don't look. Get out of here." He pushes me away. Sean's shaking so bad.

I turn to leave, but not before I look at Rick. He's still alive. He's gasping for breath, clutching his stomach, but he looks right at me. He's looking right at me. Then he closes his eyes. I turn and run and run but I can't get far enough away….

I dreamed about the shooting for months after it happened. I couldn't even sleep. After awhile I stopped replaying it in my head every night, but sometimes, it comes back. I can't do anything about it. The night before my senior year started, I had the dream again.

I used to love school. I was always excited about it, and I always worked hard. A lot of people thought I was weird, but who cared? I felt like I was going somewhere. But after the shooting, it just all went downhill. It just really fucked me up. I don't think I'll ever forget the way Rick looked at me while he was dying on the ground. He just looked so pathetic…and hurt. Not just because he was shot, but because of everything that had happened. I don't think that kid ever had a chance, you know? I remember thinking afterward, what a stupid way to die. What a pointless, stupid way to go. I tried to be nice to him, but maybe I didn't try hard enough. I remember how he kissed me that day, and how I flipped out on him. I don't know…I don't know if I should feel guilty or not. I know he would have shot me if Sean hadn't stepped in, so why do I feel like I did something wrong?

I've just felt…not right since then. For awhile I just felt nothing. And I know people think I've been acting funny, but it's the only way I know to deal with everything. I just wish people would leave me alone. The whole anorexia thing….well, I'm working on it. But I just can't be the Emma I was before the shooting…why don't people get that? I feel like Sean does sometimes, because he was there. It bothers him even more than it bothers me….for obvious reasons.

I woke up on the first day of school, thinking about Rick. It put me in a bad mood. I knew I was being a little mean to Manny, but she wasn't being very pleasant herself, so…But I cheered up a lot when Manny punched Amber in the face. I waited in the principal's office with her before she got suspended, and we just sat there and laughed for, like, fifteen minutes. Archie said we were being really "insensitive", but I think he wanted to laugh, too, just because Amber is one of those people that deserve to get punched in the face once in awhile. It wasn't so funny when Manny got suspended, and she called Craig who came and picked her up. Her mom's going to kill her. I'm not kidding. This might be when her mom actually kills her.

At lunch I went to computer lab and printed out a bunch of campaign signs. I hadn't told anyone yet, but I was running for school President. I went into the hallway and started taping the signs up. I was hanging one up next to the girl's washroom when I spotted Jay down the hallway, talking to a girl.

I guess I was staring, because Jay looked at me over the girl's shoulder, said something to her, and then walked over to me. I went back to hanging up the sign. "She's cute," I said casually.

"I was trying to copy her homework," Jay said. "And she's not as cute as you."

I tried not to smile. It throws me off when Jay actually says sweet things to me. You wouldn't even think, but he's not really an asshole. Manny thinks he's a real dick, but I see where she might get that. I feel like I know a different Jay than everyone else. We're not really anything, though. He's just there. I probably don't know him at all. But…I like spending time with him.

"What's that?" He pointed at the signs.

"I'm running for President."

"Really? That's weird."

I sighed. "I'm not doing it because I really care about this school, Jay. There's a scholarship that comes with it. Which I desperately need if I want to get the hell out of here. My parents don't have a lot of money."

"You want to leave?" He sounded, kind of…maybe I was reading into it too much, but disappointed.

"Yeah. So I just have to win this stupid election."

"Here, I'll help you put some up." I handed him a small stack, and he glanced over it. "So you think you're going to win?"

"I don't know. Might as well try, right?" I didn't know if anyone would even vote for me. I hadn't really thought about it. All I knew was, there's a scholarship. And I want it. I need it. The one thing that was keeping me sane right now was the idea of moving away from this place, maybe with Sean. I just needed a change. "Besides, it's something to do."

"Well, I think it's really cool. That you'd like, actually do this for that scholarship. You should bake cupcakes."

The bell rang, lunch was over. I'd put up most of my signs. Word was out, I guess. Maybe I should bake cupcakes. Manny should make cupcakes, since she wasn't doing shit for three days. "Hey, you want to go to a party tonight? It won't be weird."

I felt like I already had plans or something. I remembered I'd talked about getting dinner with Sean and hanging out, but he said he had to work late at the shop because he'd messed something up. He said he wasn't going to be able to hang out. Mom and Archie didn't care when I left, or where I went anymore- Jack had been sick lately so they were too busy fussing over him. And a party sounded better than nothing. "Ok. Yeah." He said he'd pick me up around nine or ten. Then I headed to my next period, excited about the party but also feeling like I probably shouldn't go with him. I can never decide on my stupid feelings.

I rounded a corner and nearly ran into Liberty. "Oh, hey, Liberty. How was your summer?" I should have added a "Gee, I meant to call" or something like that, but it was bullshit. We barely talked anymore; I think she hated me. She was standing there, holding one of my signs. "It was nice. I went to New York City. Are you running for President?" She held up the sign. Yeah, she had the sign, didn't she? It said on the sign I was.

I told her I was, and that's when it got really awkward. I guess Liberty was running, too. And she was a little "surprised" to hear that I was running after "everything", whatever that meant. I didn't know what to tell her. It was a scholarship. A lot of people want it, but I think Liberty just assumed she was going to be President, like she wasn't going to have to run against anybody. I knew it meant a lot to her, but….well, I'd already made the signs. "But good luck, Liberty."

"Yeah, you too," she mumbled, hurrying away. Yeah, she hates me.

The rest of the day went by fast, and I barely saw Sean. I only talked to him once, and after the last bell I saw him hurrying to Jay's car. I almost went looking for Manny, but then I remembered she was probably smoking at Craig's right now. I don't know what to think about him anymore. Craig and I were actually close for awhile, he's actually a really great guy. And I know he loves Manny, even though they've had a rough time. But he's back from Vancouver, probably because his big music career is stalling, and he's into drugs now. He's not just into pot- we all dabble with that- but cocaine. It makes me nervous. I don't want Manny around that.

I didn't go to the drugstore after school, because I wanted Manny there when I….oh, yeah, I think there's a small chance I might be pregnant. No, I don't think I am. I just want to check.

I went home and sat with Jack for awhile so Mom could rest. Archie got back later and ordered a pizza, because no one felt like cooking, and the three of us actually had a nice dinner together. It didn't feel forced. And they didn't seem to be paying any attention to whether I was eating or not. Mom and Archie went upstairs around 8:30, and I knew they were probably done for the night. Finally around ten Jay pulled up outside, blasting music like some people weren't trying to sleep. He doesn't care, he never cares. I ran outside and jumped into the front seat. "Are you deaf?" I screamed over the music, and he turned it down. "What?"

"You play your music really loud," I said, pulling on my seatbelt.

"Yeah, well, my car, my rules." But he didn't turn the music back up. "I got some beer already, if you're drinking." I'm not a big drinker. Over the summer I went out with Manny alot, and I tried to keep up with her, but she's just ridiculous. For about a week straight I threw up every night, and it turned me off drinking for awhile. I told Jay I was going to drink, but not get drunk. He said I was just a lightweight. And then I thought, maybe I shouldn't drink at all, just in case I was…but I just decided not to think about it. That's not something I can handle right now.

We got to the party, and I didn't know anyone, which is best, because I don't want it to get back to Sean that I was out with Jay. But no one there went to Degrassi, not that I recognized at least, and they all seemed a little bit older, anyway. There was one girl named Erica that I'd seen around before, and she waved me over. I sat and talked to her for a little bit. Jay knows everybody, I swear, because he was talking to everybody he saw and seemed to be the center of attention.

I'd been there about twenty minutes when Sean called. I panicked and hit Ignore. I know I should have answered, but I just didn't feel like it. He called again, and I still didn't answer. I'm just a horrible girlfriend. I'm surprised Sean even still calls me ever.

Jay came up, which was a relief because I was sick of hearing about Erica's hair extensions and ex-boyfriend. "Come downstairs to smoke," he said, holding out his hand. I took it and followed him into the basement. It was really dark but there were three guys who were sitting around on the couches, hitting a bong and listening to music. Jay introduced me, and they all mumbled stoned greetings. We smoked, and all of the boys were really nice, if not a bit stupid. Just…obviously people who smoked too much weed, you know? It was nice, better than the commotion upstairs.

I think someone left the basement door open, because every once in awhile you could hear snippets of people's conversations as they passed. And I swear, I heard Sean's voice. Just a little, but I could have sworn he was upstairs. Jay was hitting the bong, and when he was done I pulled him aside. "I think Sean's here." Jay just blinked. I gave him a little shove toward the stairs. "Go look."

He came down a few minutes later. "Yeah, he's up there."

"You didn't say he was going to be here!"

"I didn't invite him. But we hang out with the same people. We have the same friends, you know. You said he was busy tonight."

"Shit. Well, let's go. I don't want him to see me."

"What's the big deal? We can just tell him you were bored and I offered to bring you along." He said it like it was that simple. But it wasn't. Sean was still totally in the dark about…everything, and I wanted to keep it that way. Besides, anyone would think it was weird Jay and I were hanging out, especially Sean. "No, let's just slip out. I don't want to deal with it."

"We haven't even been here that long." Jay sounded irritated. He'd gotten a new beer and took a swig. "Chill out." I started getting upset. Chill out? Jay didn't seem to understand anything. I kept insisting we leave, and he kept getting angrier and angrier. "I'm sick of this," he finally said.

"Fine. Then maybe we should just stop hanging out and…everything." I hissed, but I didn't mean it. I wanted him to disagree with me, but he didn't. Instead he just shrugged. "Fine. That's sounds fine to me." And he actually walked away. Just like that. And I thought, it's probably for the best.

I was really pissed off. I stomped out of the basement, and then sneaked through the house, watching out for Sean. I made it out the back door, and started walking in the dark. I wasn't even sure where I was, but I figured I could find my way home. I started thinking about…everything. I loved Sean, and I knew it was awful that I was having sex with Jay. But I was getting attached to Jay, I couldn't deny that anymore. And it scared the shit out of me.

I'd been walking for ten minutes when Jay pulled up and rolled down his window. I didn't even stop. "Hey, get in the car. I'll take you home…..Emma, I'm sorry. You're not really going to walk, are you?"

I mean, I really didn't want to walk home. So I got into the car, but I told him I didn't want to talk about it. We didn't talk at all, actually. I wasn't mad, I was just confused. Finally I turned to him. "Can you take me to the drugstore?"

He did, and he didn't ask any questions. I told him to wait in the car while I ran inside. God, there were a lot of kinds of pregnancy tests. I just picked one, paid for it, and went into the restroom. While I waited, I was thinking about how sad it was going to be if I found out I was pregnant in a dirty drugstore restroom. I wanted to call Manny, because she's been through this, but I left my phone in the car. After a few minutes I looked at the stick, then at the box. Negative. Wow…that was intense. But it was fine, and I felt a lot better just knowing. I threw out the test and the box and headed back out to the car. "You were in there forever. Didn't you get anything?" Jay asked, looking at my empty hands.

I decided not to say anything about what had just happened, because it would only freak him out. "Thanks for taking me home, Jay."

He looked confused, but then he smiled and took my hand in his. "Anytime."