AUTHOR'S NOTE: Context for y'all. So, this is when Scott dies on the Archon's ship. SAM stopping his heart. This One-shot is not canon under any kind of form, rather, just having fun. My editors and I got together and… well honestly it was kinda like an improv session. I won't say anymore. Just go ahead and read. I promise you'll enjoy it!
W-What… Am I dead? Oh… right… SAM stopped my fucking heart. Guess this is the last throes of my fading consciousness as I-
"Ayyyyyyy, look who it is!" a booming voice shouted rather happily. What? Is that god or something? I saw something. It was…
A guy lounging on a chair.
"Uh… this isn't what I expected the pearly gates to be like…" I muttered, rather unsure.
"Yeah? Well, that's cuz this ain't the pearly gates, Scott. This is… I dunno, purgatory? I mean, you're dead, but, not really," he shrugged casually. I tried to look around, but, all I saw was this guy on his chair. The rest was a black void.
"Is that why it's some kind of void? Who are you, anyway? God?" I asked.
The man just burst into laughter. I just… sat? Floated? Stood? Where I was for over a minute just watching him laugh. Looks like it was so hard, it drove him to tears.
"Me? A god? Damn, that's fucking rich. Nah, I'm just some eighteen-year-old fucker who writes stories when he can. Your story. Which," he touched his chin thoughtfully. "I guess, does make me YOUR god… in a sense. Damn, guess that means I've sentenced you to hell just by BEING your god," he chuckled.
"WHAT? I'm just some sort of… story character?!" he exclaimed.
"Well, you're a video game character first. I just thought I'd try writing to kinda help with my depression!" he answered with a smirk.
"So… everything in my life has just been on the whim of a depressed teenager?" I threw my hands into the air. Ok, I was able to do that.
"Clinically depressed. Not like those emos. Hell," he began chuckling. "River put it perfectly into words."
"Who the hell is River?" I questioned, exasperated.
"Oh! Yeah!" his eyes shot wide with realization. "Fucking rude of me, sorry man. Call me Mako. As in, Make-o, like the shark, or tank. Not the damn weeb way," he gestured with a wave of the hand. "River, very good friend of mine, and one of my two editors. Hey! River!" he shouted into the void.
"What?" A woman's voice shouted back.
"Scott's here. He's dead. For a bit anyways. How was it you described me the other day? You know, when you compared me with some fictional characters," he shouted.
"I said you were, out of the entire friend group, the most happy go lucky of all of us despite being clinically depressed," A small woman popped into view from what seemed like nowhere smirking, with a hand on her hip. She had long brown hair, and was just… tiny. But I also got the feeling this wasn't someone you really want to anger.
"All of you?! How many of you are there?" I exclaimed.
Gonna have a helluva story for the others. But… what the fuck is going on here?!
"Does anyone really ever know what's going on, Scott?" Another female voice came from the void. Could they read my thoughts?
"You really want to know?" the woman, this, 'River', asked me.
"Uh…" I stuttered. Seriously, what the fuck is all this.
"Eh, I'll just tell him." Mako shrugged.
"Well, there's only me and my two editors. River, and Pal. Few other friends in our group but they don't really have anything to do with you," Mako answered. "Hey, Pal, over here. You already called out his thoughts, show yourself woman," he shouted to the void.
Outta thin air came this, 'Pal' person, shorter than River, "I really like the big echo-y voice, it makes me sound taller."
"Uh huh. Still sound like a friggin chipmunk," Mako laughed.
"Huh, you look...familiar…" I searched in memory to find the face, "No way."
"I was at the club on the Nexus you fool," a bottle of tea appeared in her hands. "Sip," did she just narrate herself? "Yes, I just narrated myself." This one really liked to call out thoughts.
"FOOLISH FOOL WHO IS FOOOOOLIIIIIIIISH" Mako shouted, but, despite being right in front of me, it sounded like it was a distant echo. I glanced at River, noticing something had changed. Now she had turned into a Turian and she was popping her mandibles lazily out, one at a time.
"Fucking hell have I seen you before too?" I exclaimed.
"Yeeeeeeeeep," River remarked, taking a sip of root beer that appeared in her hand. Turning back into a human as she did so.
"Ok, ok, what about those people I remember seeing you with. Because now apparently, I have a perfect memory of that," I questioned, annoyed.
"Our friend Grave was with me," River answered.
"And mine was my imaginary friend, since…seven, Gavion," Pal finished.
"An imaginary friend she wants to fuck," Mako whispered.
"Oof, harsh." River added to that last comment, taking some more sips of her drink.
"I DO NOT, you made him say that smooth AF pick-up line, there was no turning that down," Pal shouted defensively, "It furthered the Vetra plot."
"So, if he did exist, and he gave you that line, you would, indeed, fuck him?" Mako argued, smirking.
"God damnit..." she facepalmed.
"Not a no," Mako chuckled.
"Turians are hot though," she weighed options, "But...mmm...why would you say that?" Pal was conflicted as fuck, "my childhood," she whispered.
"Because you make it so easy to tease you," Mako laughed.
"Gotta admit, I agree. The Turian thing," I murmured.
"Ha, it's true. If only we could convince a certain someone that Garrus and Fem-Shep are the way to go." River glared at Mako. Palaven stared back with the ferocity of an angry midget.
"I know you do, Scott. In fact, soon, you'll be making sweet passionate love, few chapters after the Archon's ship," Mako remarked. I stiffened in response. In more ways than one. "Anyways, Pal, River, fuck both of you. Pal, put La Chancla away. This is my story, and I can't be a man writing a story focused on a woman fucking a bird man when I personally prefer the man who lovingly caresses and then proceeds to fuck the Space Elf," Mako stated firmly
"Space elf? More like walking disaster." River snorted, "Oh no, don't sneeze on me or I'll die!"
"Elf? What is this? The inquisitor in space? This is Sci-fi you madman," Pal laughed. The Inquisitor?
"UP THE SHUT-FUCK BOTH OF YOU!" Mako boomed. "She MIGHT be a disaster in some ways but she's MY walking disaster! My precious little cinnamon roll who must be saved! And, River, you know damn well that's an exaggeration. Adapts to him and all that shit."
"A cinnamon roll that'll die if she has too much cheese, I mean that's a sad way to live." River deadpanned.
"Relatable- the cheese thing," Pal proceeded to eat an entire wheel of cheese.
"Stop making such cheesy arguments," Mako rolled his eyes with a smirk. I snorted. "Yeah, Scott, you like those puns because I like those puns." Well shit. Wait, something just came to mind.
"WAIT WAIT WAIT, EVERYONE STOP FOR A SECOND!" I shouted, ending the bickering of these… god children. They stopped, looking at me. "I'm dead, and they're trying to restart my heart. Shouldn't it have worked already? Am I fucking dead for real now?"
"Pfft, as-fucking-if," Mako laughed. "This is… whatever the fuck it is. Time moves how WE want it to. Technically we could keep you here for a goddamn eternity while not even a second passes in your story."
"Time is relative, Scott. If I could make my tea last forever I would..." Pal almost cried, "I would. But Mako wouldn't let that happen. It's a democracy."
"It's not a bloody democracy, I'm the author, it's a dictatorship," Mako laughed. Then he snapped his fingers. "Boom. Pal, that tea is now infinite. But it's also sweet tea. The only acceptable tea to a southerner.
"Mako. Do you know how much caffeine is in this shit?" Pal poured the cup upside-down. But the cup wouldn't empty. Mako rolled his eyes and snapped his fingers again.
"Caffeine gone."
"I could probably have done that on my own...but, I'm lazy-" Pal stared into the cup as she was interrupted.
"Ok y'all," River interrupted, checking a pocket watch. "Scotty boy is going to have to get back soon before his brain gives out from all shit he's seen. We can only make him forget so much you know."
"The hell you mean? God powers, woman," Mako laughed.
River glared at him for a bit. "What about them!" she pointed aggressively to a direction in the void. "Don't ya think this will be weird, and cringe inducing for them to read?!"
"Ugh, fiiiiine, but let's toy with him a bit more. It's fun," Mako snickered. "The readers are probably loving this though," he grumbled. "Besides, this is fun."
"Or they hate my guts for insulting your suit wife, even if bird husband is better." River retorted.
"Guys, we're probably giving him a major existential crisis? What D'ya say, Scott? I mean I know but say it," Pal sat down on an imaginary floor.
"My life is controlled by people as dysfunctional as my crew…" I murmured.
"Rip crew, you know we can make them know that you said that right?" River laughed.
"Welcome to my life...wait...you're dead-ish. Welcome to your… dead? Temporary… dead..." Pal muttered.
"Well, my crew KNOWS their dysfunctional," I argued.
"'They're', Scott. I'm an editor," Pal can SPELL? My thoughts?
"Sorry! Wasn't paying attention," Mako called out. So… fucking hell… WHAT?!
"Damn beat me to it." River groaned.
"You see Scott, I make sure your life is at least 99% grammatically correct. You should thank me. I got a caffine attack from editing you, Scott," Pal crossed her arms. Visibly shaking...probably because there was enough caffeine in the… 4 liters of tea she just drank.
"Eh, he should be grateful to me because I'm the one who helped move the romance along." River winked at me.
"Uh, Pal, you missed something there. Caffeine, not caffine," Mako pointed out. "Oh! Yeah, Riv is the one who got the whole, Ice-Cave thing to happen. Plenty of fluff ideas in that little Texan.
"Mako I think I'm having a stroke I drank too much tea. Fuck. This isn't de-caf! Which one of y'all gave me...what the fuck is 'ultra caf'?"
"Oh for fucks sake not again!" River yelled starting to backup a little.
"I think I just coughed up blood," Pal whispered...
"I lied when I said it was de-caf," Mako snickered. "Don't worry about the blood thing, inside joke. Well, even though it ain't in her anymore. You know, it's funny. We've never met physically, but here we fucking are right next to each other. Gotta love god powers."
"If I'm so godly why can't I have myself a shit ton of alien homies?"
"You can, woman! Just bloody make it so! Fine, I'll do it for you," Mako grumbled. He snapped his fingers again. Pal was now surrounded by a massive harem of naked Turian men. I'd say five-dollar footlongs, but, well, I don't think they'd charge her anything. I resisted the urge to vomit and looked away.
"Mako you KNOW I'm terrified of... you know." Pal shuddered, soul dying, looking up at the sky to avoid seeing anything.
"DICKS! BIG FAT ALIEN DICKS!" River shouted, mockingly.
"Then you can make them all one-inch wonders," Mako suggested.
"Mako I'm dying...please," Pal continued to look up and avoid seeing anything.
River snickered. "That's what she said."
"Literally," Mako chuckled.
"SCOTT PLEASE PUNCH HIM FOR ME!" Pal snapped her fingers at the speed of sound and nothing happened. Poor son of a bitch.
"I'M NOT PUNCHING A GOD!" I shouted. Pal tried to float away, screaming curses. But then the Turian harem floated with her. Caressing her gently. She began to scream food items after running out of curse words.
"Mother of fruitcake fucking shit. Probably won't let me edit this trauma out for the sake of the comment section..."
"Do you really want to meet your maker that way lol?" Wow, River really verbally said 'lol.'
"Don't pay too much attention to that, she really does do that. We're just used to it," Mako stated.
"Here Scott, eat the forbidden fruit," River whispered, handing me some… detergent pods?
"Why the fuck would I eat that? It's a fucking detergent pod!" I exclaimed. She looked up at me with the, oh god, detergent flowing down her chin.
"What? They're good," River shrugged.
"What the bloody hell is wrong with you, River… A fucking tide pod facial? Really?" Mako groaned.
"Mako please I will NOT edit the next...7 chapters if you don't make these people go awaaaaaay," Palaven ran for her life.
"The contract, Pal. the contract. If you really want them to go away, it's not about snapping the fingers. I just do it for fun. Just MAKE them disappear."
"Son of a fuck you're right," They all disappeared, "Mako I swear to god-god that was the most terrifying...10 seconds of my life."
"Oh shit, this is already a chapter long," River remarked.
"River stop breaking walls it's expensive, I gotta get the repair man from the building and he's gonna be fucking pissed," Pal yelled.
"I don't think there ARE any walls left," I murmured.
"THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID," Palaven sadly yelled, ashamed, trying to relate with horrible humor.
"...That doesn't make much sense…" I murmured, not sure about contradicting a clearly emotionally unstable god woman.
"...Scott you need to ask Lexi for an anatomy book…" Pal replied, "I mean...come on."
"Vaginal walls? The… hymen? Is it? It's a bit of a stretch. Like losing the hymen," I joked, gaining mild confidence.
"Oh, look at you. Studying something you're never gonna get...well Mako isn't gonna let that not happen...Fuck I CAN'T WIN!" Pal shouted.
"Damn right it's gonna happen. Hell, already HAS happened. This is coming out long after the smut chapter. Which, coincidentally, was Chapter 69. Plus, I'm a hormone driven eighteen-year-old. The fuck do you expect?" Mako laughed.
"Well it's a good thing I didn't read or edit that one, will read or edit? Time. It's like a ball of-" Pal paused, "I'm not gonna make that reference right now. I'm emotionally scared."
"Me on the other hand," River smirked, wriggling a brow, "I DID edit that chapter."
"You would."
Looked to see what River would respond back with, but she was nowhere to be seen.
"Hold on, wait for her, river just poofed out, Pal," Mako held up his hand. The two waited a few seconds before she poofed back.
Pal summoned a therapist chair as soon as Riv returned, guess it's just in case she was gonna be traumatized again, "It all started when I was born…" she whispered, summoning a therapist.
Then the chair and therapist vanished. "Later, Pal, wait till we've let him fuck back off to life," Mako suggested, pointing at me.
"Could that be soon, please? I kinda like being alive," I requested. And I needed to tell the others.
"I know your thoughts, you know. I fucking write them down," Mako reminded. "You won't remember a THING that happens here, and it's all gonna be non-canon anyway. Itty bitty one-shot of fuckery," Mako laughed.
"I just wanted to say hello like a normal person, Scott. But put 3 madmen in a room...never ends sanely," Pal spoke dramatically. Very true.
"Hold on, Pal got a harem, where the hell is mine?" River put her hands on her hips. She snapped her fingers. River was then surrounded by… men? In white robes? They had an assortment of weapons on their clothing. Whoever they are, she seems happy. She smiled broadly, a rather… interesting look in her eyes as she gazed upon the men who would likely be doing all kinds of things to her later.
"Oh god this is the part where she gets me stabbed?" Pal questioned.
"Well, SOMEONE is getting penetrated. But, not you, and not that way," Mako chuckled.
"God, I can read Scott's thoughts and I want brain bleach," Pal complained, "Unlike you, I will remember this. Scott think about something like...dying. That's what usually happens when it's too quiet."
"Nooo leave him alone if he dies Vetra will be sad. After all she's right there next to him right now" River whined after pushing her way through the men surrounding her.
"FUCK! THAT'S RIGHT! FUCK! BRING ME THE FUCK BACK!" I exclaimed.
"Hey, hey, hey, chill, Scott. Told you, plenty of stuff has already been posted after the Archon's ship. You live, you're fine, Vetra's fine, you make sweet love, and you only get more and more in love," Mako reassured.
"Just like Mako's teenage girl view on your life, we cannot mess with time. You don't come back after the first shock anyways, it's important to the timeline, Scott," Pal drank tea, "Soon, my son."
"You're not his mom. His mom's still alive on Hyperion," Mako retorted. FUCKING WHAT?! He snapped his fingers again, Wait, what was that all about? I feel like he just said something, but I don't remember. Just, Pal calling me her son and Mako giving her a look.
"Alright, it's been fun, bud, but I think we've kept the readers here with this fuckery long enough. Let's start getting rid of those memories. Anything you want to say? Any… last questions?" he asked, and they all turned to look at me.
"Uh… Is everything going to turn out alright? I guess?" That's honestly the best I can come up with. I'm talking with my fucking GODS here.
"Ha! As if we'd spoil the readers like that!" Mako laughed. "Alright, sorry bud, but you used up your only question."
"Just know whatever you do, you'll make a difference, Scott," Pal reassured.
"Really? Gonna go all inspirational and fluffy, Pal? I think he already has an idea of that, all the vaults and shit," Mako chuckled.
"Don't worry bubba, I got your romance in the bag. I'll only use some angst, but I promise it's worth it in the end!" River laughed. River and Pal then vanished, and I was just left with Mako. His chair was gone, he was standing, walking closer to me. He put a hand on my shoulder.
"You're a great character, Scott. I'm proud to have spent so much time writing your story. This gave me a helluva lot of confidence. Something I was genuinely proud of. You don't know it yet, but, the story is coming to a close. I'll miss you," he hugged me, slapping me on the back. "Alright, time for the mind wipe."
"Wait, why do I need to forget?" I hurriedly questioned.
"Thought you used up that question," Mako chuckled. "Eh, fuck it. I answer because think how differently you'd act about everything now? Can't have that. Gonna replace your memories with some sort of… flashback sequence of your family. The Archon's gonna nab a recording of it from that little transmitter in ya, but, well, that wasn't my choice. Blame Bioware for it being weird, but it works for stuff later," he shrugged. Wait, wha-
Everything was black. I felt a jolt in my chest. What… What happened? I saw my family. Silhouettes back on Earth. I felt another jolt in my chest. I woke up.
I dusted my hands off. Smiling.
"We've done a helluva job guys," I smiled. River and Pal appeared by my side. I glanced at my two friends. Content.
"Hell yeah! I'm glad I get to make sure that your shit isn't too cringy af. I mean that's what I'm truly here for," River smirked, teasing me for the umpteenth billionth time.
"For the record, so I am not remembered like this, I DO NOT wanna fuck my imaginary friend. I shit you not Gavion has been around since I was exposed to Mass Effect as a kid, it's all good."
"River, says the woman who tried to put tide pods in here and gave herself a facial of them," I retorted. "So, why don't you two say something for the readers, eh?"
"An author's note with us? Nice," River grinned.
"Oh, that's nice. Like the 'and you' at the end of special thanks."
Aye, thank you all for reading this and giving my homie over here some love for this story. Honestly I think he's doing an amazing job with this (better than Bioware, fight me) and giving the entire Andromeda story something it lacked in game. So, yeah, keep reading the story and don't be afraid to comment something great. - Palaven
Hey everyone! Thanks for reading Mako's story up until now. I can't believe it blew up the way it did. I'm glad that I was there to help edit and watch our story grow. Also reading the comments y'all left for us makes me super happy. So thank y'all for the kind words y'all left us. Our discord server is hilarious and it's great to meet some of our readers. It helps us get a feel for what y'all are looking for and I always love it when we have something planned that they weren't expecting. Anyways enough blabbing, thank y'all again for reading! - River
Seriously, thank you all. Special thanks to my two great friends here that I've had a great time making this story with. Thanks for indulging us in this one-shot of fuckery. In case you couldn't tell, the three of us were present and wrote this together. As I write this, the other two have been violently clicking around showing their multi-colored cursors flying everywhere, smug assholes they are. Hell, this is actually the first time either of them have directly been alongside me for the writing itself, rather than waiting to edit the "finished" chapter. So, if you enjoyed our banter here, come join our discord! Because is really screwey with links, Download the app, on your laptop, phone, whatever the fuck, and friend me. MakoGT#5797, and I'll get you into the server! Thanks a fuck-ton, and see y'all in the next one!
Unless ur weird - River. Who is, herself, very weird
No pedos allowed - Pal. And I'm pretty sure that's a given but she guilt tripped me into not deleting it. So, I kept river's little thing too. Equality.
Cya!