I look out at the vista laid out right before my eyes and I know its been, as its always been, but these days I can't muster up the enjoyment for it. I seem do everything by rote and find it difficult to attain any satisfaction in it. Going through the motions of life is what my life has come to. I don't know how things ended up the way but it did, all I know is it did and my life seems almost pointless. Trudging through one day after another trying to find an escape from my life.

They say be careful what you wish for in life because someday it might come true. I can vouch for that. There was a time when I would have given anything for Lyndy to have come back from the dead. Now I wish she'd stayed there. I don't know how to go back in time or more to the point, I don't want to go back in time and be that young calf, who had shit for brains. I loved her once, yes but that was a long time ago. I loved her with all I had but I didn't know myself back then and hid most of who I was from her. I loved her the best I knew how back then, with who I was and with the experiences that moulded me at that stage of my life. But it is nowhere near the rich enveloping intimacy all embracing yearning love I have for Lisa, the love of a man, not a boy.

What Lyndy and I had was nice, but now I wish she wasn't back in my life because I don't know how to be to her, what I used to be. I was young and so was she and we fell in love and had a family. I was travelling with the rodeo circuit and she was travelling with her band. While I lived my life on the rodeo circuit, she lived her life with her band travelling. Marion was cared for by my folks and grandparents when we were on the road. Looking back we were more apart in first half of our marriage then we were together. We eventually settled down after my rodeo days and she slowed her travelling with the band. We did make it work but I think if it wasn't for Marion we wouldn't have tried so hard. That we created a family and had wonderful times there is no doubt.

I will never forget the life we had, but I eventually I moved on. It was the last thing I wanted but just one look at Lisa and in no time, she was all I wanted. I did move on with Lisa, and now my heart belongs to her and only her. Its strange but it has nothing to do with Lyndy, that man that loved her doesn't exist anymore, its just that Lisa is my now and forever love. I can't change the way I feel, I've tried but I can't get Lisa out of my mind. I still burn for her, the memory of what we had won't let me go.

My heart-attack was just a manifestation of my broken heart. It was like Lisa took all the sunshine with her and left behind the bleak ice cold snow that I had to live with by myself. After the heart-attack I felt so listless and didn't know what I wanted anymore until Lisa came. I remember how the deep seated cold penetrating loneliness lifted from me. She brought with her, all the sunshine and vitality, I needed to recover. And god, I need that or more to the point, I needed her so badly. But after I had regained enough strength and my mind became more settled, I began to picture what our future would look like. And I didn't like what I saw. Lisa young, beautiful full of verve and vitality being held back by me an old man, looking after me in my dotage, spoon feeding me mash potatoes.

More than that, I wouldn't be able to be a real man to Lisa and fulfil all her needs. She is a young vital woman that has needs, needs a man wants to be able to fulfil. Lisa has a high sexual drive and can be dominant or submissive depending on what she needs at any given moment. That Lisa excites me beyond measure, is the one thing I never doubted. Until I realised what would happen after my heart-attack and if I couldn't fulfil her, the way a man should take care of the woman he loves. That scared me more than anything ever has, it made me angry that I wouldn't be able to satisfy her, be a real man to her, the way I wanted to be, needed to be.

Thats not what the foundation of our relationship was built on but as a man I couldn't bring myself to deprive her of something so intimate and primal. That we could have had a relationship without that type of intimacy was a given. We gravitated towards each other, loved each others company and could talk about pretty much anything amd everything. Lisa had a way of making me want to do and be more, not just for her but for me as well.

I find myself entering the barn by osmosis. I untack the horse and brush him down. My mind on Lisa and how much I miss her, how much I miss who I was with her.

After I get done, I make my toward the house. I'm pretty sure Tim and Casey will be here to pick up me and Lyndy up.

Inside the Heartland Ranch House

Lyndy put her guitar down as Jack enters the house and takes of his boots. "I thought you forgot about today."

"No, I didn't." Jacks makes his way to the room. "I'll be out in a minute, just let me get a change of clothes."

"You were cutting it pretty close Jack. If you didn't want to go with me, you should have just said so and not be passive aggressive about it," Lyndy interjects irritatingly.

"What are you talking about? I'm here and I said I take you," Jack frowningly replies.

"No Jack, you just nodded your head yes, when I asked if you'd come with to the high river auction and audition. That was yesterday at supper and I didn't see you, let alone talk to you after that."

Jack turns around exasperated. "Well I'm busy."

Astounded she responds. "Yes Jack, I know you too busy to do anything or too tired in evening to do anything other then sleep right."

"What do you want from me Lyndy," Jack wearily utters.

"I want you to show some interest in me or what I'm doing. Is that too much to ask Jack. You won't come near me, you'll do anything not to spend time with me."

"That's not true."

"Yes it is, Jack"

"You spend more time and are more attentive to that stupid horse Lightening Dexter than you do with me."

"It's a horse, it needs tending to."

"And I don't."

"Don't put words in my mouth Lyndy. You can't expect everything to get back to the way it was before."

"Why not Jack, we agreed to try and make it work for the family"

"And I'm trying, Lyndy."

"Fine."

"Do you want me to go with you or not. If not, I have more ranch work to get to."

"Yes I want you to come with me." Just as Lyndy answers Tim and Casey pull up.

Tim honks the horn like a crazy person. Jack actually enjoys Tim's perverse behaviour sometimes. It helps to distract him from what his life has become. He knows Tim offered to take them because he figured out that things with Lyndy were not as it used to be, between them. He's gonna have to owe him for this. Casey tells Jack to take the front seat while her and Lyndy get into the back seat of the double cab.

"So Casey how's touring with the rodeo circuit going this time around," Lyndy politely enquires.

"The same old you know, from one place to another in quick time, set up and get going and party a bit after the end of the rodeo event but pretty much, rinse and repeat."

"Don't you get tired of the travel and not having roots."

"Well, I have roots but they not firmly planted anywhere. Maybe one day I'll be fed up and give it up but for now its still gives me a thrill. We get to put on great shows and give people a chance to compete and people get some pretty good entertainment out of it."

"Without kids and a husband with being young, I guess you free do as you please and have no obligations to anyone but yourself."

"Thats not exactly true. Yes, while it may appear that I can do whatever I want, I still need to take into consideration of the effect it has on the people closest to me. So any decision I make still carries some level of burden. I can't just do what I want, whenever I want because they have repercussions, on my life as well as those close to me."

"I guess you're right but I remember when Jack was on the road and how much I missed him. I put my heart and soul into my music to get rid of the loneliness. It made for great song writing being a rodeo wife," Lyndy forlornly voices.

Tim glanced at Jack and could see his jaw set in what can only be described as vexation. Thank god the rest of the way Casey was on the phone constantly with sponsors and organisers sorting things out for the up coming rodeo. Jack seemed to have calmed down after his earlier vexation, just in time as Tim pulled into the High river auction and audition.