Disclaimer: see my profile

Acting the Part

Reid tried to avoid his own gaze in the bathroom mirror, but failed miserably. His eyes stared back at him in a hollow way that made him shiver to his toes. As a rule, over the last two weeks, he avoided looking too long into his own eyes for fear of what he might see behind them. Actually, he was lying to himself because he knew what he'd see behind his eyes, it was the same thing he remembered from twenty years ago when he was a child.

Then, he used to go into the small bathroom down the hall from his room and stare at his reflection in the mirror over the sink. He'd try to see beyond the young haunted eyes of a child that no one really saw because he was a genius. He didn't act out at school, avoided the bullies when he could, or remained silent when he couldn't avoid their torments. He took care of his mother; cooked, cleaned, made sure she bathed or ate, or took her medication when he could.

He never missed school even when he was so sick he could hardly stay upright in class so they wouldn't call his mother. He was polite, even-tempered and quiet as a mouse. He could outthink most of the teachers and all of the administration staff by the time he was ten and his father left, so it was easy to stay out of the way of any adult that might be curious. The fact that most of them didn't notice he was desperately lonely and neglected only helped him.

Reid looked away from the mirror and shut off the memories of his childhood. He was an adult. He'd lived his life outside the influence of foster care and now he was a man. He sighed and looked down at his hands. Once again, he'd play a game, the game he thought he'd left behind when they'd come to take his mother away and he was free of the entire pretense.

He straightened his tie, smoothed down the navy blue sweater vest he wore and left the bathroom to find his shoes. JJ was expecting him for brunch at her house that Sunday morning and it was show time. He only wondered how long he'd have to play the game this time.

He stood on her porch waiting for his knock to be answered. The two weeks since Emily's funeral had left the mark of spring more pronounced on Virginia. The yellowed lawns were beginning to turn green. Colorful flowers in crimson red, sunshine yellow and deep indigo were on display like some garish sideshow he didn't want to see. It was better if the skies were grey and rains were crashing down on his head.

The door opened and Will stood there with a somber face. "Hello Spencer, come on in. Jennifer's been anxious to see you."

The urge to respond with "I'll just bet she has," was so overwhelming he had to bite the inside of his cheek.

Bright pain reminded him of the reason he was here to see his friend. Oh, but was she his friend anymore? He didn't know.

"I've been anxious to talk to her too." He heard his voice say with just the right amount of quaver.

He stepped into the entryway with its familiar wrought iron and glass table to his right. Several family photographs were arranged on the spotless top. He noticed that a new photograph of Emily, JJ and him at the BAU stood to the right of a picture of Henry with JJ. Reid knew this picture; he'd seen it a thousand times upon entering the house. JJ was holding Henry as a baby, holding him up so that he smiled down at her from a greater height. She smiled up at him with so much light and joy in her eyes that every time Reid saw the picture he had to smile. Today, he didn't smile.

"Spence."

JJ came out of the kitchen and hurried to him. She wrapped him up in her arms hugging him so tight he almost squirmed. His arms hesitated for a minute then he hugged her close, despite wanting to push her away until she understood his pain. He stayed standing there listening to her whisper words of comfort. She was so good at lying to him right to his face that it scared him. What if John hadn't told him the truth? He'd probably be crying again, as he had at the hospital. Finally, he couldn't stand it so he gently disentangled from her grasp.

"Spence… I am so glad you came this morning. I've been so worried about you."

He wanted to say "Oh really, then why don't you tell me the truth instead of lying to me."

Instead, he said. "I'm alright JJ. I'm glad you called me because…" He hitched in a long shaky breath filling his lungs with the smell of eggs and sizzling bacon, onions and cheese that made his mouth water. "I-" He began again. "I was thinking about Emily this morning and how she liked brunch on Sundays. I'm really going to miss those times with her."

"I'm so sorry," She whispered. "I wish I could do something to help."

He bit down on the inside of his cheek to keep from saying the first thing that came into his head. It was much harder to censure his speech as an adult. He knew that should bother him, but right now he couldn't care less.

"Maybe…" He began hesitatingly. "Do you think that you and I could see each other every week, just for a while? I really need to count on your friendship right now."

He watched her deep cobalt eyes as he spoke. She almost recoiled from his request, but she rallied fast, he gave her that. Again, it was a struggle for him not to congratulate her on her ability to act. In a way, it was almost funny, they'd be up for Academy awards if they were professional actors and this was some television show about FBI profilers.

"I'd love to make it a new tradition Spence. I think it would help both of us to adjust."

"Thank you JJ. I know I'm asking a lot of you."

"It's okay. I'm here for you always."

He watched her eyes again and saw that while she meant she'd be there for him, which he knew to be true, he could also see that she hated the idea of him there every week.

"Thank you JJ. I'm glad I still have you."

He hugged her again, holding on tight even when he could feel that she wanted to pull away from him. He released her when Will came back into the living room with Henry toddling beside him.

"Spence," his little godson hurried over to him with a huge grin on his face holding out his little arms.

"Hey Henry," he knelt down and scooped the little boy up into his arms.

Tears gathered in his eyes as guilt swarmed into his gut like worms digging into cold, wet and dark earth. How could he play act this way with the mother of his godson? What would Henry think of him if he knew?

"It's good to see you." He kissed the top of his Godson's head and stood up.

"Play with Spence." The boy asked.

"Yes… I'll play with you." He said in a quavering voice, "After we have something yummy to eat with mommy and daddy."

"Kay," Henry clung to Reid's hand when he lowered the boy to ground and faced JJ and Will.

"Spence…" JJ began.

"I'm okay. I was just thinking that I've missed seeing Henry. It's been a long two weeks." He heard himself say instead of just blurting out that he knew the truth.

He was trapped, he realized in one short second. Henry was innocent, but what if Doyle's men were watching them? What if he confronted JJ or Hotch, or shouted his knowledge from the rooftops? What could that mean for Henry, Jack and Declan?

He forced a smile on his face as Henry pulled on his hand. Will said, "Take it easy little man. Brunch is almost ready."

"Will is a great cook," JJ was saying as they made their way past the big chocolate leather couch that faced the big screen television that played cartoons and kids movies endlessly for Henry.

Reid kept his eyes on the toys that were scattered around the room instead of looking at Henry or JJ. If he could just stay strong, enough to get through this, it would be okay. For the first time in months he was glad he didn't have to see JJ every day at work.

"Why don't you sit next to Henry?" Will was saying as they entered the little dining area off the kitchen.

Sunlight streamed into the room that was surrounded on three sides with windows. The table setting was bright with yellow plates and orange place mats underneath them. The blond wood of the table and chairs reminded him of sunshine. He wanted to scream, but bit the inside of his cheek for the third time.

He helped Henry up into a booster seat and took his place next to the boy, which happened to be directly across from JJ. She smiled at him, but it barely touched her eyes. If he were still in the dark about Emily's death…

"Soup's on," Will said cheerfully.

Reid forced another smile onto his face. "I'm hungry." He said.

JJ gave him a genuine smile that lit up her face like the one he remembered and something in his heart hurt so much it was as if someone was driving a spike into his chest.

Reid sat on the floor with Henry playing with some toy cars Morgan had given the boy for his last birthday gift. Henry pushed them around making noises like a racing car engine, which made Reid smile in spite of his grief. Emily had saved this little boy from Ian Doyle's wrath by keeping silent about her involvement with the man. How could he be angry?

"Hey Spence," JJ sat down on the couch, its leather squeaking as she moved.

"Hi," he said, looking her right in the eye.

His mouth began to tremble and tears coursed down his cheeks. He kept the thought of losing his little Godson to the wrath of a monster as guilt sprang into JJ's eyes. She left the couch and knelt next to him, wrapping her arms around him while he cried on her shoulder for the loss of a friendship that would never be the same even if there were some way out of this mess.