I struggled to find a song to go with the feels specifically for this chapter. If you know oneplease share :)
For the next several weeks, I ignored all phone calls. I only left my room to use the bathroom, and the occasional snack. I couldn't function, it hurt to bad. Why wasn't I enough? Much of the time I was disconnected from myself, not knowing what happening around me, simply existing. My only moment of consciousness was whenI exited my room, and heard Charlie's voice, "I am so worried about her." I stopped in my tracks. I knew I should continue on like I never heard anything, but for the first time I felt something other than the cocktail of negativity swirling around inside me. "She hasn't showered in weeks Carlisle. She looks half dead, there's nothing behind her eyes! She's barely eating," there was a brief pause allowing Carlisle to speak. "I know, but its scary. This isn't like her. She's never let her emotions get the best of her before." "Oh, I didn't think of it like that. Thank you, I'll talk to you again soon," Charlie ended the conversation gruffly. Hopefully this hadn't affected their relationship. "Bella?"
I shrugged at my dad, acknowledging my name. He smiled at me, "Good to see you." He invited me to eat breakfast with him again, but shortly after brushing my teeth I was sucked into the whirlwind of my emotions again.
A pounding on my door drew me from my thoughts. My pixie like best friend entered into my room, determination on her face. She caught sight of me, and briefly horror filled her eyes before she was able to replace it neutrality. "Get in the shower." I grunted and increased my grip in my chair. I didn't want to snap out of it. I didn't want to take a shower. I wanted to die.
Alice marched over to me and broke my grip on the chair. "Up," she said again. Amazingly I was able to get my legs to listen, hoping they hadn't atrophied over my hiatus. I realized I had no idea how long it had been.
"How long," I asked Alice cringing at the question. There were many ways to interpret what I said, but luckily my friend was intuitive. "Four weeks," she said as I walked to the bathroom. I counted the steps, keeping myself grounded. I could not go again. I was unsure of what happened to me. I don't know where I went, all I know is that I was lost inside myself.
When I got to the bathroom, I disrobed. In the mirror I caught sight of myself and almost slipped away again. I forced myself to cling to reality, and made an inventory of my appearance. I was thinner, but not so much I could be considered skeletal. My eyes were red and puffy from crying, and my hair was disgusting. Nothing that Alice couldn't help with. I will get better I told myself, as I started the shower. I put the toxic whirlwind of emotions and thoughts one by one into a box. It helped, and with each step I felt lighter and happier.
I styled my hair and did my makeup before returning to my room. "Sorry Alice, I am better now." I smiled at her, feeling the lid of the box rattle. I mentally nailed it shut.
She looked at me concerned, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, never better." I replied meaning what I was saying. I had forgotten about the box already. It was slipping from my consciousness.
"You were like the living dead Bella, you can't hide from this." She said.
"Alice, I am fine now. I dealt with it. I am here." I hoped she would believe me, I didn't want to have to convince her.
She gave a concerned look and shrugged her shoulders at me. I knew she was going to let it drop, knew she was done confronting me about it. I felt relieved. I was never going to face those feelings again, no matter what I did. "How is Victoria?" I asked her, hoping she would actually respond and not try to protect me.
"Fine, she's rather nice actually." Alice responded, gaging my reaction. "She seems to be getting along with the family. Though she is nothing like you."
"You don't get a predatory vibe from her?" I asked, forgetting where the question was coming from. I tried to remember my conversation with her, but all I could remember was how nice she seemed. I took a deep breath because the feelings of insufficiency were arising again. I threw the Victoria I knew in the box as well, feeling lighter. Now I could look at her with intrigue, much like Alice would.
"Hmm, interesting question Bella. No, not really. Sometimes I feel like something is off, but for the most part she is a decent enough girl." The response didn't alter the box.
I walked around my room, noting how clean it was. I also noted the dream catcher on my bed. I hadn't remembered it being there before I fell into blackness. "Good, Edward," I made sure the box didn't rattle as I drew a breath, "deserves to be happy." I finished feeling somewhat numb, but numb was better than pain.
"So, um, would you want to come over to our house?" Alice asked hesitantly.
I thought about the consequences behind going over there. On one hand I would be able to see my family again. I would be able to feel a part of something. Just because he lied and cheated didn't mean that I was an outcast. I also knew that if I was over there the box might come undone. I was uncertain why Alice would ask, but she always knew things before they happened. She felt things, and I decided to trust that she knew what she was doing. I nodded my response and put on my shoes and coat.
We went down the stairs and I saw Charlie for the first time since the phone call. "Hey dad."
He looked at me shocked, but I could see relief spreading throughout his body. "Bella." He said in acknowledgement. He smiled lightly as he rose to touch my shoulder. "Welcome back." He left the room smiling.
The guilt I felt at causing him so much pain threatened to overwhelm me, but I opted to throw it into my box too. I was tired of not feeling alive. I was tired of being ruled by emotions. I walked out the door to Alice's car and got in the passenger seat. Several times she tried to start a conversation, but my lack of response told her I wasn't in the mood to talk. I was content on just being in the moment, I didn't want to have to talk and risk all my pain escaping and darkness overwhelming me again.
What do I say? I asked myself. I cursed Edward. How do I fix this? How can I fix this? Ultimately, I decided to take it moment by moment. I was not in a place to think about what had happened previously. I would instead put energy to what ever came up.
When we arrived at the house, I felt more competent with how to work my box. I knew when to open it and let a feeling in, and how to keep it from opening. I could visualize everything going into the box, and nothing escaping. I placed it in a vault in my head, so that it wasn't easily accessed. I knew that I could get through whatever was waiting for me when I walked through the door at my second house.
"Hey Alice," called Victoria as we walked in the door. "Oh Bella, your better!" She greeted me as well, causing me to feel uncomfortable.
"Um, ya." I replied.
"Nice to see you," she smiled causing me to shiver. I threw the feeling of unease into my vault, telling myself that I was going crazy. "Alice, did you want to have girl time?"
"Sure! Bella, want to join us?" I nodded at the request and waited for Alice to bring down her makeup collection.
I was hoping I wouldn't make a mess out of The Cullen's white living room when Victoria's voice called me from my musings. "That must have been some flu."
"Ya, it was awful. I just couldn't shake it," I responded, not wanting to share to much. I had no idea what the story was behind my absence. Contradicting someone would be the worst thing I could do right now. Shame at my mental break threatened to overwhelm me before I filed it away.
Alice arrived with the makeup and we worked to perfect differing skills. I had almost mastered winged eyeliner when we heard a knock on the front door. Alice and I both bolted up to get it. I bumped her on the way causing her to briefly loose her footing, "Watch it there steam roller!" She joked.
"Who are you calling a steam roller?" I laughed, causing us both to break down into giggles.
I made it to the door first and wretched it open still giggling. "Jake?" I asked questioning my sanity. Jacob would never be caught dead on the steps of their house. For so long he hated the Cullen's. He felt it was their fault his people were driven to the reservation. Seeing him here meant there was something wrong. Normally, he was smiling, joyful. Now he looked empty like all the life had been sucked out of him. I wondered if I looked the same.
"Bella, can I speak to Alice?" He asked.
I nodded, stepping aside, amazed how in a manner of seconds the mood can change so drastically. I prayed it wasn't the worst. I prayed he was only hurt, not that he was gone. Carlisle and Esme had entered the room as Jacob handed Alice a folded-up flag. Alice collapsed into Jacob, pounding his chest, begging him to drop the joke. I put all my feelings in my safe. I needed to be strong. I couldn't let anyone see what I was feeling, or worse make them worried again. They had enough to worry about.
Carlisle and Esme pried Alice from Jacob. Alice curled into Carlisle's lap as he got her inside so he could shut the door. In all this, I couldn't help but think where's Edward? Victoria came over to us a look of confusion on her face. "What's wrong?"
"Her fiancé is dead." I responded lifelessly.
"Oh." Victoria said. "But she's so young, won't she be able to find someone else."
This caused Alice to stand in a rage. Anger filled her tiny frame so much it looked like her hair was crackling with energy, "What a vile thing to say," Alice said in a dangerous voice.
"It's true though." Victoria continued, seeming not to care that everyone was looking at her in shock.
"Get out." Alice said through clenched teeth. "Get out before I hit you."
Carlisle spoke from the ground. "I agree Victoria, I don't think you are in a place to empathize with us at the moment. I have to ask you to leave before more damage is done."
Victoria left gracefully, though I could see the anger written on her face. I sat with Alice, hiding my pain behind my shield. I allowed Alice to cry on my shoulder for an indefinite amount of time. I lost touch with what was happening around me. Long after my arms had gone numb and my legs were tingling, Esme came up to me. "I can take it from here." She told me.
I excused myself and went to my room to freshen up. I sat in my chair asking myself if I was ok. I felt that I was. Everything was safely hidden, and I felt like I was able to handle anything. Then my ultimate test came, "Bella?" Edward's strangled voice came from my doorframe.
I took a deep breath, "Yes?"
"I need you." He breathed. I forgot all about his girlfriend. I forgot about the cheating, the drugs. I felt myself in that moment with him.
"Ok." I gestured to the bed and we laid down together. Tears flowed down my face as he spooned me. I felt him crying behind me. We cried together until we fell asleep. Upon waking I knew he was still asleep. I was so angry that I had given in and let him close again, but sometimes you can't fight fate. The magnetic connection was pulling us together. I was certain it would never stop. I was certain that I could never escape him, so as his breathing quickened, I knew what I had to do.
"Edward," I started. "I am ready to hear the full story." Upon asking I questioned why Edward was upset. He had never met Jasper. I quickly forgot as he began speaking.
"Huh, oh," he responded sitting up. We both took a deep breath and he moved his eyes to floor, "Here goes nothing," he started causing me to dig my nails into my hands. I had been waiting for this for four years, I needed to hear it.
Thank you for your continued support! This chapter mostly comes from keeping the skeleton of the original. I edited this bad boy after writing chapter tenish. Coming back to this one, I felt almost bored. coming up there is a whole lot of emotional content, so stay tuned!
I have a question for my readers as well, how far do want deviation from the husband/ wife lose virginity on their wedding night. I am not talking lemons, I am talking throwing cannon balls of pain at the two of them. They would not be intimate with each other until likely their wedding. just know with what is coming they will be together, there just needs to be some healing first!