Since I am continuing, my plan is to have Nick break before Monroe builds him back up. However, I am notoriously bad at updating. I have 2 toddlers, so I don't always have time to update, but I also sometimes lose interest in a particular fandom after a while. I just want to say I will try to update as quickly as possible, but don't expect rapid fire updates.
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The next few days passed in a comforting monotony. Nick interacted when he had to, but mostly remained on autopilot. Same thing every day. Nick lay in his bed thinking of his current routine and wondering how long he could keep it up.
'Wake up screaming. Eat with Monroe. Ride to work in silence while Hank tries to make you laugh. Solve cases. Arrest or kill wesen or normal folk. Spend lunch break starring in the bathroom mirror until Wu interrupts and drags you to lunch. Work some more. Go back to Monroe's, unless Hank drags you for beers with Wu. Eat with Monroe. Go to the guestroom. Stare at the ceiling until Monroe offers you a sleeping pill. No. Fall asleep two hours before you have to get up. Repeat.'
The routine is comfortable in it's own way, but Nick can see his friends getting increasingly irritated and worried.
Knock. Knock. 'There's Monroe with his offer of sleeping pills.' Nick sighed wearily as his friend entered.
"We're not doing this anymore." Monroe started.
"No thanks." Nick replied before the words caught up with his sluggish brain. He wrinkled his brow. "What?"
"I am not letting this continue. You need sleep. If you won't take pills, then we are going to figure out something else. You've stopped living Nick and that's the best part of life, man."
"It's also sort of the definition."
"It is, but that doesn't change the point." Nick turned away as Monroe sat on the edge of his bed.
"I am living." Nick mumbled, lacking conviction in his own words, but hoping to delay this or convince Monroe, or something, anything really to avoid this conversation.
"You are functioning, surviving maybe, but you have lost life's passion. You've lost the bit of Nick that makes us all love and care about you, not that we don't still, but you've lost what makes you, you."
"This is me. I'm just usually better at pretending."
"No. It isn't." Monroe growls, suddenly angry. "I know you pretend sometimes, but I've seen you genuinely happy. So has Hank. Wu has also. We all know you aren't as happy-go-lucky as you sometimes act, but that doesn't change the fact that you have this fire inside, trying to make everyone happy. Trying to make everything right in the world. This fire that lights up your eyes when you are really excited about something, a case or your disgusting beer, or your friends. That spark makes you, you and it's gone right now."
Nick rolls towards him, glancing at him before dropping his eyes. "I don't know how to get out of my funk. I don't know how to fix myself. I don't mean to be a pain or make you guys angry. I just can't do what you're asking right now."
"We aren't angry, Nick. We're worried. You keep getting more and more depressed. You're barely speaking, barely eating. You are zoning out a lot, my friend. We don't want to lose you. That mirror thing is really freaking your friend Wu out, by the way." Nick smiled slightly, so he continued. "We all love you. As for how to get out of this depression, because that's what this is Nick. You are depressed. You could go see someone." A scowl and a shake of the head had Monroe changing tactics. "Or not. Okay, well what about one of us? Me or Hank or Wu? All three of us? You could talk to us. Maybe you just need someone to listen. Get some of whatever is bottled up inside out of there."
"No."
"No?"
"No. No I am not going to see a therapist. No, I am not going to burden one of you with my problems. No, I am not going to tell you my darkest secrets and lose you because of how broken I truly am." Nick huffed.
Silence filled the room as Nick refused to look up, but soon Monroe left. 'Well that got rid of him.' Nick thought. Then his eyes filled with tears. 'Why are you crying? Isn't this what you wanted, you worthless piece of shit?' NIck closed his eyes and shook his head, trying to rid himself of the voice that sounded suspiciously like Aunt Marie. 'Pathetic.' Sobs overtook him and he curled into a ball.
Monroe entered the room again quickly without knocking. He headed straight to the bed and pulled Nick into his arms. "I'm sorry. I'll do better. I'm sorry. Please keep being my friend. I'm sorry." Nick tried to make himself coherent through the shudders raking his body.
Monroe pulled back, causing Nick to hold on tighter. "I will never stop being your friend Nick. No matter what." He pulled Nick back towards him and rocked him until his breathing evened out. Then, he laid down next to the now sleeping Nick and kept a watchful eye til morning.
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This time when Nick awoke, Monroe was there watching over him. "You stayed?"
"Of course I did."
Nick couldn't form a coherent response, so he kissed him. Monroe kissed back hesitantly, before deepening it. They stayed locked by their lips for several minutes before Nick pulled away suddenly. "Oh, god. I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking. I shouldn't have done that. We're not together and you probably hate me now. I'm sorry. I'm really really-"
Monroe clasped a hand over Nick's mouth, silencing him effectively. "I kissed you back remember?" Nick nodded slowly. "I like you too. I liked the kiss. Did you?" Another nod. "Then everything is okay, right?"
The hand was removed. "Yes." Nick's voice was very small. "You like me?"
"Yes." Monroe laced their hands together gently.
"But-" Nick stared in confusion. "I'm not good enough for you. You shouldn't. I'm never going to be good enough."
"You ARE good enough Nick. More than good enough. Wonderful, amazing, smart, loveable, courageous, sexy, so very sexy, and just adorable. I've had some strong feelings for you for a while." Nick shakes his head the entire time Monroe is speaking.
"I'm not."
"You are to me."
"No. Monroe. I'm not. You have to listen. I think you're under a spell or something. I'm not any of those things. I'm disgusting and dirty and ugly and worthless and you shouldn't even have to look at me. No one should. If I was braver I'd hide away somewhere, so no one would have to see me or put up with me because I'm not good. I'm bad and dirty and wrong and I should have never been born. I should kill myself. I should die. I shouldn't be- You shouldn't like me. You shouldn't. I-I have to go. I-I need to leave."
"No. Nick, you aren't leaving. You are NOT leaving." Monroe grabbed him when he tried to run. Nick went limp.
"I'll be good. I'll be good. I'll be good. I'll be good." He curled in a tight ball and repeated himself as Monroe pulled him into his lap. "Shhhhh. Shhhh. It's okay. Everything's okay. Shhhh." Nick quieted but didn't uncurl himself. Unsure what to do, Monroe called Hank and let him know Nick would not be at work. He did not elaborate and knowing Nick had been a robot for a week, Hank didn't ask. He put the phone down and waited for Nick to come back.
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Nick slowly uncurled himself over the next hour. Disoriented and finding himself in Monroe's lap, he asked hesitantly and quietly. "Did we have sex?"
"No."
Nick slumped in relief. "Okay."
"I want to ask you a few questions. I'd like you to answer honestly, but you don't have to." Monroe asked hesitantly.
"Um. Okay, I guess."
"Do you remember what just happened?"
"I'm guessing I spaced out. We kissed and I got upset and then I spaced out?" Nick questioned.
"Not quite."
"Well, what happened then?" Nick asked in irritation.
Monroe told him. His irritation passed and was instead filled with nervousness. He stopped looking at Monroe and turned his eyes down again.
"My next question. Do you still want to kill yourself?"
"No. I-I just get sad sometimes. I just get upset sometimes. I won't do that."
"Have you tried before?"
Meeting Monroe's eyes is harder than it should be when he answers softly. "Yes."
"Recently?"
"No."
"Two more questions. You've said some things that make me think you've been in abusive relationships. Is that accurate?"
Nick couldn't make his voice leave his mouth, so he nodded.
"How many?"
It's hard to answer and his voice is raspy as it comes out. "Does Juliette count?"
Monroe thinks for a minute. "I don't know. Only you know that. Let's leave her out of it for now."
Nick nods. "Okay. All of them."
"What?" Monroe looks confused.
"All of them were abusive."
"All of them?"
Nick nods again, his voice failing him again. His eyes fall again. He spends more time looking at his hands these days than anywhere else.
Monroe is silent. When Nick looks up, he sees a face full of fury. He want to make it better. "I'm sorry." Monroe actually growls at that and storms off. "I'm sorry." Nick whispers to the slammed door. He remains on the floor, lacking the strength and more importantly the will to get up. He lays down fully and plays with the carpet fibers. "I screw up everything. He likes me back and I screwed it up. It's so typical. Nick the screw-up." He lets out an emotionless laugh. "What else is new?"
"Don't say that." Nick startles, but doesn't get up as he recognizes Monroe's voice. "I get so angry sometimes Nick. Part of being a blutbad is that when I'm emotional, I vogue. I don't like how I look when I vogue. That's why I left. I was so angry that someone as great as you hasn't had the kind of relationship you deserve. I didn't want to vogue and make it worse and then you apologized and I couldn't handle it."
"I don't deserve anything else, Monroe." It comes out muffled by the carpet his face is still pressed against. "It's nice though, that you think I do."
"You do. I'm going to prove it to you. Let's date Nick. We're both screwed up but we both deserve to be happy. You make me happy. Do I make you happy?"
"Yes." Nick smiled as he sat up. "You really want to date someone as much of a mess as me?"
"I want to date you Nick, wonderful amazing you."
"Okay." Nick hesitates. "I just have one rule. Please try not to hurt me. Okay? You can do anything else, just please don't hurt me on purpose. It's okay if it's an accident, but please, just not on purpose. O-Okay?"
Monroe narrows his eyes. "You changed it?"
"It's too much to expect of someone to never hurt me. I know I'm a pain. It was a stupid rule." Nick explains.
"No. I don't agree to that."
"O-oh. It's okay. Y-you can if you w-want. I-I c-can take i-it." Nick closes his eyes as Monroe approaches, tensing.
"Here is what I want. I want more rules. The first rule is that neither of us cheats. We are monogamous or nothing. Second rule is that we have date night together at least once a week, barring emergencies. Third rule- We never do anything sexually or otherwise that one of us doesn't want to do or is not ready for. Lastly, Neither of us hurts the other physically or sexually and we keep the emotional harm to a bare minimum. Are those rules acceptable?"
"Y-you want all those rules?" Nick asks hesitantly.
"Yes."
"Okay." His voice breaks and he clears his throat. "Can I add one more? Is that okay?"
Monroe nods. "What is it?"
"We have a double date night once a month with Hank and Wu if possible or a couple friends of yours? So we aren't closed off from our friends." Nick explains. "Is that okay?"
"It sounds great. One more thing. We reserve the right to make more rules as the relationship continues and I'm going to write all this down so we are both held accountable. We both have to hold each other accountable to these Nick. Okay?"
Nick smiles. "Okay."
Monroe joins him sitting on the floor, smiling as well. "Can I kiss you?"
"Mmmm Hmmm."
They kiss again, slower, deeper than even before. Nick lets out a small moan and Monroe smiles against his lips. As it starts getting a bit more intense, Monroe pulls back. Nick looks panicked. "Did I do something wrong? I-"
"No. No! I want to go slow, just kissing for now. Alright?"
The panic ebates slightly. "Okay. Okay. So you liked it? It was okay? I did okay?"
"Yes. You were wonderful. It was wonderful. Everything was wonderful."
Nick sighs and falls back onto the carpet. "Oh good. That's good."
Monroe follows him, but props himself up on his elbow. "You thought so too, right?"
Nick smiles. " It was perfect."
Monroe smiles too.
Hank finds them later, asleep on the floor, wrapped around each other like a pair of cats.
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A week of happiness passes for Nick. It's filled with Hank's teasing, Wu's happiness for them, lots of kissing and over the clothes groping, easy cases, even a cordial meeting with Juliette dividing assets and congratulating one another on newfound relationships. Juliette was now dating Rosalee. Nick is on cloud nine. Everything is going right for once, so he tries not to be pessimistic, but he keeps waiting for the other shoe to drop.
It's date night. Monroe has been hinting that he planned something special. Nick arrives home around seven after a late shift greeted by candles and romantic music. Dinner smells are wafting from the kitchen and Nick knows he's going to love whatever crazy vegan meal Monroe has come up with this time. He wonders vaguely why Monroe went to so much trouble for him, but Monroe doesn't like it when he thinks things like that (crazy mind-reader), so Nick pushes it aside.
They have a lovely meal. Nick was right. It was D-licious. While they do the dishes, they get into a splash fight. They chase each other around the house with cups of water until they're both soaked and laughing.
Nick grins widely. "This is the best date night yet."
"I know how to make it even better. " Monroe approaches and kisses him. It's the type of kiss that takes Nick's breath away. When he pulls back, they are both short of breath, but smiling contentedly. "Let's get out of these wet clothes and take a shower."
Nick is speechless as the suggestion hangs in the air. 'Too good to be true'. For the first time in a week, Nick breaks eye contact. "I-I d-don't-" He trails off.
"Want to? You don't want to?" Monroe questions furrowing his brow. "You don't have to Nick. I wasn't suggesting sex yet though. Just an innocent shower with some kissing."
"I-I can't." Monroe looks dejected and Nick can't handle that. "I'm sorry. I'll do it. I can do it. Can I wear my clothes? No. That's stupid. I'm sorry. That's stupid. It's a shower. I-I can take them off and shower. That's normal. That's not a big deal right? Couples do that and then no one gets mad and no one leaves and everyone's happy and no one's scared and it's just a shower." Nick scrambles at his buttons while he rambles, trying to make the frown on Monroe's face go away, but it only gets deeper. "I'm sorry. I'll do it."
Monroe moves towards Nick, opening his mouth to speak and reaching his hand out. Nick flinches, not a small flinch, a full body flinch that jerks his entire self out of Monroe's reach. A hurt look crosses his features but it's quickly replaced with concern. "Nick. I won't hurt you. You don't have to take a shower. It's okay." He approaches slowly and by the time he reaches Nick his partner is sobbing apologies and begging forgiveness. "You didn't do anything wrong Nick. Nothing. Everything is alright."
Nick calms eventually, but can't look at him. "I'm sorry. That was ridiculous."
"No. It wasn't. Something obviously caused you to react like that, though. Can you tell me what it was, so I know to avoid the topic in the future? Was it the shower?"
Nick shook his head.
"No? Um, I'm at a loss then. You're gonna have to help me out on this one." Monroe asked perplexed.
"I-um- It's not the shower." He trails off.
"So, I gathered. Did I do something?"
"No! God, no. It was a great night until I ruined it, like I ruin everything." The self-hatred and loathing in his voice was practically palpable.
"Nick." Monroe sighed. "Don't. Nothing's ruined. What happened? Please tell me."
Nick formulated his thoughts for a moment before whispering. "I don't want you to see my body."
"Your body?"
Nick nodded. "It's ugly."
"You're not ugly." Monroe replied vehemently.
"You haven't seen my body. It's fat and ugly and disgusting."
"Is this another self-loathing thing Nick. I think it's part of it. You aren't ugly or fat."
An even quieter voice follows. "I have scars."
"We all have scars."
"Not like these."
Monroe formulates his thoughts slowly as Nick stares at him waiting for a response. "Maybe I can decide for myself if I think you are ugly or not. You don't have to show me your body now or at all. I won't be mad either way, but I already think you're beautiful. No scar is going to change that."
Nick answers hesitantly. "If show you, you'll be the only one who has seen them."
"What about Juliette?"
"I don't take my clothes off in front of people, not even her."
Monroe looked surprised. "You don't have to Nick."
Nick nods, but his hands move to his buttons. "You'll never want me again." Monroe tries to interrupt, but he hurries on. "Just don't say anything until you see okay? Don't make me a promise that won't hold. Okay?"
"Okay." Monroe relents as Nick finishes the last button. He turns around quickly and shrugs off his shirt. 'Best save the worst for last.' He thinks bitterly as Monroe gasps. "Oh. Oh Nick." Gentle hand run over the scars on his back, words carved into him in the past, hateful awful words that never leave him. Words that were whispered in his ear as they were cut jaggedy into his skin. He slams his eyes shut as Monroe spins him around. The pity in his eyes would be too much, the disgust, the repulsion.
Another gasp escapes Monroe's mouth, before Nick's engulfed in a hug. "You aren't ugly. You are beautiful. You are scared, but beautiful Nick. I love you. I love you so much and whoever did this needs to pay for it with their life." Nick opens his eyes to deep red ones staring at him intently. "You are so strong Nick. Strong and amazing and beautiful." Nick shakes his head, but Monroe doesn't let him speak. "Stronger than anyone I know. I love you Nick."
"I-I love you too."
"You don't have to say that."
"No, I-I do. I love you. It's just- You still think I'm beautiful?"
"Gorgeous."
"I don't know how to respond to that. Is your eyesight going?" He huffs a laugh in disbelief, but Monroe doesn't join in.
"No. It's not. You are beautiful and I will be telling you everyday until you believe me." Monroe sounds so intense that Nick can't help but kiss him. It lasts a moment or two before he pulls away.
"Can I put my shirt back on?" He's feeling uncomfortable now, even with Monroe's unexpected reaction to the litany of carved words on his body.
"Of course you can. You don't have to tell me who did this, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't want to leave right now and go hunt them down and kill them repeatedly."
"How do you kill someone repeatedly?" Nick asks rhetorically, just for something to say in reply.
As menacing as one can possibly be, Monroe replies. "I'd like to find out."
"It was a long time ago." Nick mumbles, feeling he should open up a little bit. "I called him uncle, but he was just Aunt Marie's boyfriend."
"I swear I'll stop asking questions after this because it's making you uncomfortable, but did she know?"
"Not at first." Nick's clothes are back on now and he feels marginally better. Monroe had seen how broken he was and hadn't left yet. "Do you want to take that shower now?"
Monroe looked surprised but quickly agreed. Sexy shower fun times ensued, without the actual sex of course.
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It seems impossible to bring up. This thought has crossed Nick's mind a lot lately. Since their shower session, there have been more fun times above the waist. He wants to go further, but knows instinctively that Monroe won't go for it until they've talked about the elephant in the room. His uncle. The problem is Nick has no idea how one brings up childhood abuse randomly in conversation He's almost hoping Monroe just asks again, but he won't. He had promised to stop with the third degree and wait for Nick to be ready.
Ready? Nick doesn't think he'll ever be truly ready to tell Monroe the horror story that was his childhood, but he can try. He wants to try. So, again, how does one start that conversation. Three weeks pass as he thinks about it. Finally, it's out of his hands. After a particularly bad case resulting in an horrid concussion, Nick is loopy to say the least. Rosalee had given him some sort of concoction that worked for his other injuries and was safe to have with a concussion. The problem was he was extremely vocal.
"I have to tell you something."
"Yes, Nick?" Monroe was being extremely patient since this was the twentieth time Nick had repeated the same thing in an hour only to erupt in giggle before finishing. Speaking of giggles, Nick laughed quietly to himself.
"No. No, this is serious." He made a serious face and giggled again. "Seriously serious. I have to tell you about Uncle Ned."
"Nick I don't think this is the best time."
"But I've been trying to for weeks and I couldn't figure out how to say it, but now I know how." Nick whined.
Monroe cringed at the tone and sighed. "Okay."
"He was bad." Monroe nodded in agreement. "No. Really bad. He liked to touch me. I told him no and I fought him but I was little and he was old and I was so tiny and he was soooo big. I really tried Monroe. You believe me right?" Suddenly Nick was desperate. "Please believe me."
"Of course I believe you." Monroe whispered in shock. He had been expecting something like this, but it's different to actually hear the words out of your boyfriend's mouth.
"I don't know how old I was when it started, before my parents died. I used to go visit Aunt Marie sometimes. After they died, it got worse. He would use his knife, say stuff like whore or disgusting and write the word on my back. Marie found out when I was fifteen. She let him have one more time. We needed the money."
It takes a couple seconds for Monroe's brain to catch up, but when it does, he flips out. "She WHAT!?"
"Yeah, we were broke and she needed the money so she let him have me for a few days and got a bunch of money. It was enough to set us up for a long time, even put me through school. So, was worth it, I guess." Nick's eyes were drooping and his words started to slur from the concussion and drugs, but Monroe shook him awake.
"It wasn't worth it. She shouldn't have done that Nick. That's unthinkable. It's horrible. She should have figured something else out."
"Did her best. Better than my mom did. Better than I did for Hazel." Nick is almost out again when Monroe shakes him again.
"Who's Hazel, Nick?"
"My little Hazel." He smiles, then frowns sadly. "He took her because I'm too worthless to keep a baby. Begged Aunt Marie to get her back, but she said it was better that way. I was too young. It brought too much attention. Probably would've gotten in the way of her grimming, grimmizing, grimmberling. Are those words?"
"No. You have a daughter?"
"I can't find her, Monroe." His emotions are all over the place as he's suddenly desperate and confused. "I looked everywhere. She's not in her crib. I can't lose another baby. Where'd she go? How'd she get out? Did he come take her? I don't know where she is. Please. You have to help me find her. I love her so much. She's my little girl. I can be good enough for her. Please, please, please let me see her. Please."
"Shhh. Shhh. Everything's alright now. It's okay. Everything will be okay."
"Annabelle didn't make it but I got to hold her. She was soooo small. Hazel was stronger. Please I'll take care of her. Please. Please. I won't be worthless. Please let me have her back."
"It's okay, Nick, Shhh. Sleep now. We'll figure everything out tomorrow."
Nick looked at him with glassy eyes. "You'll help me right?"
"Of course I will. Go to sleep now. Everything's okay."
"I promise I'll be good."
"I know Nick. I know."
Nick's voice is fading as he says, "I hope she's okay."
Once he's asleep, Monroe allows himself to cry for Nick, for Hazel, for Annabelle.
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Nick wakes up a little tired, but clear-headed. Monroe is staring at him. He smiles instinctively, but frowns just as quickly. "You've been crying. What's wrong? What happened?"
Monroe's voice is scratchy from tears. "You told me about Hazel and Annabelle."
Any trace of a smile leaves Nick's face. "Oh."
"The only thing I can say is how sorry I am. Would you like me to kill him? Your aunt is dead, so I can't kill her. I sincerely regret not doing it when I had the chance though."
"He's dead. And what did Aunt Marie do?"
"Let him hurt you for money."
Nick shrugged indifferently. "He was already doing it and after we got the money it stopped permanently. I didn't have to see him again. Well, except he stalked us for a while because I was pregnant. That's how Aunt Marie figured it out. Twins. They were so beautiful Monroe. Annabelle was so small. She only lived for five hours, but she was my little girl. I loved them both instantly." Tears filled his eyes as he spoke. "I wish I had known he was following us. I would have killed him before he could take Hazel. The he died before I turned eighteen and I never had a chance to find her. I have a few pictures I could show you if you want."
Monroe's eyes were angry, hard, and distant.
"You don't have to see them. I'll keep them put away, but please don't destroy them." The pleading tone of Nick's voice made Monroe snap out of his anger.
"I would never destroy them. I'd love to see them, if you'd like to share them with me."
Nick nodded, smiling slightly. He quickly retrieved them and held them out to Monroe reverently. "Be careful. I used to have more, but Eric-" He cut himself off and looked away.
"Eric is someone you used to date?" Nick nodded. "What did he do?"
"He didn't know what they were. He came home one day and found me crying over the pictures and hugging Hazel's teddy bear. He c-called me pathetic and yanked the bear and a couple pictures away and threw them in the fireplace. I hid the others before he could ruin them too. He was so mad. That was a bad night." Nick shuddered and tried to keep his mind on the present.
Monroe perused the few pictures. A young Nick holding a small girl with tears in his eyes. Nick holding both girls. One with just him and Hazel. Another with just the two little ones, hands holding eachother. There were a few more of Nick feeding the twins and three after Hazel had gone home with Nick. "They are so beautiful and amazing, just like their father."
Nick smiled slightly and asked cautiously. "Me?"
"Yes." The smile widened.
"I was thinking about trying to find her again. I know more now after everything this year with my mom and the mercenaries. I- Do you think she'd even want me to? She'd be 19 now."
"I think that she would want to know who you were and what happened. I'm sure she'd like to meet you. We could try one of those birth parents sites. She could be looking for you."
"You think so?" Monroe nodded, but Nick's mood suddenly shifted. His whole demeanor changed as Monroe tried to figure out what had gone wrong. "No. It's-it's dumb. I shouldn't. Who'd want me as a father anyway, right? I'm beyond worthless."
"Nick? What just happened? What's wrong?"
Nick collected the pictures gently. "I'm tired. I'm gonna call Hank and tell him I can't work today. I'm sorry. I'm tired."
Monroe followed him closely to the guest room, but stayed by the door. "Nick, are you alright? What made you change your mind?"
Nick shrugged, avoiding both his gaze and the question. "I'm tired. I'm going to go to sleep. Y-You could stay if you wanted."
Monroe nodded and joined him in the bed. After a quick call to Hank, Nick cuddled in close, hiding himself in Monroe's embrace. "You'd make a great dad Nick. No matter what is going through your head, I think you'd make a wonderful father." He noticed the shuddering before the dampness on his shirt, but Nick made no sound to indicate his turmoil. "Oh, baby. I'm gonna help you find her. I am because you deserve to know her and she deserves to know you."
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So, this ended up being a long update. I've never written MPREG before and have no idea where it came from. The words sort of just typed themselves on the page and I let the take me wherever they wanted.