'Ok, I don't think guns and weapons things are needed. Put it down.' the Doctor said calmly, River moving her hands to her hips. The man holding the gun, whose outfit made even the Doctor cringe, hissed at the two travellers.
'Who are you and why did you attack our ship?' said a man behind him, he was wearing a shiny blue suit and the Doctor could see he was a hologram simply from the 'H' that was stuck upon his head.
'I could say the same to you.' River said, cocking her eyebrow as she did so. The man holding the gun smiled then lifted his gun up and pointed it at her. quickly River pulled a gun out of her belt and placed it firmly against his head 'Oh, I don't think so sweetie. You're going to put that big old gun down and then your going to apologise for threatening to shoot me and my husband, okay?' as sweetly as she said it the man was definitely scared, so scared sweat dripped down his fore-head. He dropped the gun, it clanging on the metallic floor.
'I'm sorry, I... I was just...' the man was wailing like a baby.
'Oh, get up you smegpot.' a third man said, he walked out from behind the hologram, eating what looked like a curry.
'What is that smell?' said the Doctor sniffing the air 'Space weevil. Why do I smell space weevils?'
'Oh, that will be mister Lister's curry here.' the third member, a robot, pointed out.
'Err, guys... little off the subject don't you think.' the hologram said 'Why did you attack our ship and who are you?' he demanded.
River removed the gun from the man in the pink suits head and he stood up and sorted out his hair.
The Doctor held out his hand 'I'm the Doctor, this River and we didn't attack your ship, much like how you didn't attack ours.' after a short pause he removed his hand and placed it into his pocket.
'Well, if you didn't attack us who did?' said the man who was busy eating curry.
'The same person who attacked my ship.'
'Doctor, you said that nobody attacked us.' River questioned him.
'Yes well... I technically said that these guys didn't attack. Come on River, keep up!' he shot her a cheeky grin and then the two turned back to the others. 'Anyway, who are you, wait... is this the mining ship Red Dwarf by any chance?' he said half-excitedly.
'Yes... did you not read the name on the side of the ship?' said the curry eating man
'Oh, this is brilliant!' he jumped up and down the lunged him self at the man embracing him. 'Oh, David Lister! You are brilliant! Look at you!' he stepped back and grabbed the mans cheeks squeezing them playfully 'River, it's him!'
'Who?!' the female said confused.
'Dave Lister? Lister of Smeg? The last human alive?' the Doctor shouted.
'Hi!' Dave said waving to the Doctor's friend.
'Right, okay, that's enough fondling from you, I think!' said Rimmer, the hologram, grabbing the Doctor's arms and moving them away from Listers face only for the mad man to pat the hologram on the back and do Rimmer's special salute.
'Arnold Rimmer! How are you?' he shouted happily, eyes wide.
'I'm fine, thanks?' Arnold said confusedly before the Doctor moved to his side to greet the others.
'Sorry, you must be Kryten.' the Doctor shook the mechanoid's cold hands, then moving on the Cat shaking his hand too 'and this, River, is what happens to cat's after about four-thousand years of evolution! How great is that!' River and the cat smiled to one-another awkwardly.
'Sweetie, I think you're scaring them.' she said to the Doctor. He looked at the others to see their surprised and confused faces.
'Oh, sorry but River, we're on the ship Red Dwarf now, Red Dwarf is cool!'