The Next Adventure

by IndigoWerewolf

South Park is in chaos. Cats are missing. And now a new game has begun, one that has already turned into reality. In order to save her friends and family from the clutches of evil, Dova must adopt a new identity and take on the mantle of the hero once again, and in doing so she will discover more about herself and South Park than she ever imagined. Rated M, don't like don't read.

3. The Second Day

Hello everyone this is IndigoWerewolf with the next chapter of The Next Adventure. For those of you hoping for lemons in this chapter, you're in luck! The first one of the story is right here, but it is a good ways into the chapter. With that out of the way, I do now own South Park or TFBW, let's read!

'I'm dead. I'm officially dead.' I thought to myself. I had only gotten one hour of sleep before Captain Diabetes had woken me up last night, and after our mission, I barely managed to get half that before I had to wake up to go to school. I was currently taking a hot shower to try to wake myself up, but it wasn't working very well so far. I groaned as I thought, 'I hope we have an easy day today with the game. I don't know how much I can take.' I then turned off the shower and dried off, and went downstairs to see that Dad was still passed out.

I sighed in annoyance and cleaned up his mess, replacing the books on the shelf and cleaning up the various spills before throwing away his trash. I was tempted to throw away his weed, but I figured that if I did he would just get more, and that it might be the high-grade stuff Classi was talking about, so I just put it back in his "secret" stash.

I then made myself a bowl of cereal and sat down on the couch next to my unconscious father to watch the news. "And now the news program that starts your day off right: GOOD MORNING SOUTH PARK!" The television blared. The picture switched to Tom the news anchor sitting next to a picture of a superhero silhouette with a question mark on his chest. "Good morning, South Park!" He greeted. "A new vigilante took to the streets last night and has apparently single-handedly taken down the Famboni crime family. Here with more is a midget in a bikini."

I paused in the middle of eating my cereal, and watched with wide eyes as the little person in a pink bikini said in front of the Buca de Fagoncinni, "Tom, I'm standing outside the Buca de Faggoncini where the vigilante declared war on crime in South Park. Security-camera footage showed a young person farting in people's faces, on their balls – it was just terrifying."

I raised my eyebrows as the camera cut to the two drunk guys I had beat up in the strip club, one of whom exclaimed, "The kid came in and just… just started farting on people!" "It was just outta nowhere, man." The other said. The camera then cut back to the restaurant, where a woman in a purple shirt pointed out, "Maybe someone's finally standing up to what's wrong with this city! This New Kid's a hero!" It then cut to an irate man in a maroon sweater, who rhetorically asked, "The kid's a menace, if you ask me. How long before he or she kills an innocent person? How long before Daredevil becomes the Punisher, huh?"

Someone off-screen said something to him, and the man exclaimed, "Huh? Three seasons? THREE SEASONS!" The camera then cut back to the little person wearing a bikini, who said, "Police called to the scene found a treasure trove of illegal items that they claim might tie the Italian restaurant to a larger syndicate. This may be just the tip of the iceberg."

They then showed Tom and the little person side-by-side, and Tom asked, "Certainly chilling stuff and, there were reports the vigilante possibly had a sidekick?" "There was thought to be a sidekick, Tom, but further investigation showed it was just some little twerp with diabetes." The little person responded, and I snickered at the irony. "Thanks midget, and of course, the question on everyone's mind now… WHO IS the farting vigilante?" Tom asked rhetorically.

I then checked the time before I shut off the TV and grabbed my backpack to head to school. I got there just in time, but I couldn't focus throughout the whole day, and it would appear the other Coon Friends were in similar condition. After the last bell rang, I went to my locker to get my things and leave. All around me, kids were chattering about the Farting Vigilante, but thankfully none of them recognized it as me. As I was getting the last of my books, I felt someone hug me from behind, and Bebe's voice behind me said, "Hey there, Dova."

I turned around to hug her back, and after a moment the two of us separated, and she asked me coyly, "You wouldn't happen to know anything about the Farting Vigilante, would you?" I smiled and opened my mouth to speak, but my throat was still sore, and I coughed as my voice failed me. Instead, I just shrugged before giving Bebe a knowing wink. Catching my meaning, Bebe told me, "Alright. Well, I've gotta go help my mom with something. Have fun with the game, and be careful with your voice!"

She then walked off while swaying her hips a bit, and I silently chuckled to myself as I thought, 'Such a tease.' I then walked off myself and met with the guys in front of the school. Once we were all together, Cartman exclaimed, "Wooohhh, man, what a great sleep!" "Yeah, I haven't slept that well in weeks." Jimmy bluffed, and Kyle asked us, "So! You guys do anything interesting last night?" "Oh no, you know, the usual! Just watched some TV and went to bed!" Cartman exclaimed, telling the students streaming out of the school more than us.

"Yup! Nothing exciting in our boring lives!" Jimmy loudly said. "Well then, I guess I'll just be seeing you guys tomorrow!" Kyle said. Jimmy and Kyle then walked off, presumably to change into their superhero outfits, and Cartman told me, "You've got a big day ahead of you, New Kid! Get changed into your superhero costume – and wait for a message from the COON!"

He then walked off just like the rest, and I spun in a circle to change into my costume before some kid walked by and told me, "How'd you do that? That was dumb." He then walked away, and I ignored him as I checked my missions. I saw that I just had the one to collect Yaoi for Mr. Tucker, so I decided to do some exploring and see where I could get with Scott's Diabetic Rage. Suddenly, I got a FaceTime call from Coon, who told me, "All right, ButtLord. It's time for us to get the information we need from Classi. Any good superhero should know how to interrogate. Get over to Jimmy's house and find out what she knows. Coon out." He then hung up without letting me respond.

I decided that Classi wasn't going anywhere and that I could take some time before I visited her, so I replaced my silver fidget spinner Artifact with a Nether Talisman that I had gotten from Randy last night. I then went down the street towards Bebe's house, where I took selfies with two girls that were making a snowwoman and beat up some sixth graders. I then walked further down to Craig's house, where I looked into his garage to see that a fridge inside had a green base, so I had Scott tip it over. I then moved the propane tank over to a boarded-up section of wall and detonated it, revealing a box that contained a Major Artifact made from a pan flute.

I used it to replace the one I had gotten from Randy and reset the fridge with Glitch before I moved on, then had Scott tip over an outdoor water heater to let me through a fence to get a chest, which contained a new costume. Remembering something, I walked down to my house and had Scott tip over a broken heater, then shot down a ladder to get up to a shelf with a backpack. I looted the bag and used Glitch to send the ladder back up to get a chest, where I found another new costume.

I left the garage and beat up some more sixth graders before I remembered something else, and I stopped at Cartman's house to tip over another broken heater, getting a Yaoi picture and a new costume set before I moved on down the street. I then went into Stan's house and gave his Grandpa the condom I had bought before taking a selfie with him and then stopped in the kitchen to take one with a hungover Randy before being told I still had too few followers to take a selfie with by Shelly.

I beat up more sixth graders by Kyle's house and decided that I had put it off long enough, so I set off for Jimmy's house. When I went inside, I found Classi sitting on his couch while she filed her nails, and when she saw me approach, she told me, "Oh, it's you again. 'Sup, hero? Don't be fartin' in my face 'n' shit." She then called out to the house, "Hey, Fastpass, one of your superhomies is here!" Jimmy then walked in from the kitchen and set a drink down on the coffee table before he told me, "Oh! Hey, New Kid! The Coon told me he wants you to question the witness so go ahead. Have at it."

I turned to Classi to ask a question, but my throat was still shot, and all I managed to vocalize was a rough cough. Classi looked to me as I finished and told me, "All right, look, I know y'all need my help 'n' shit but I ain't talkin' till you go get my medication." "Your medication?" Fastpass asked her, and she replied, "Yeah, I can't think straight without my medication." She then handed me a piece of paper and stubbornly told me, "You gotta go pick up my prescription, all right? Until you go get my prescription, I ain't tellin' you little heroes FUCK ALL NOTHIN'."

"Well… all right fine. Looks like you got more work to do, New Kid." Fastpass told me awkwardly. "But before you go back out into the world, I wanna show you something that might help your crime fighting. Let's get up to my room, fast." He then took my hand and zoomed up the stairs with me in tow, almost making me sick from the sudden movement. He sped into his room and onto a computer, where he started typing as he told me, "All right, New Kid, it's time to take your super powers to the next level! Go ahead and stand in the DNA fibulator."

I stood on the little platform under an umbrella he had set up in his room, and as he typed, it started to spark and the pool balls he hung from it spun around. "All right, New Kid. Just stand still and I'll talk you through this." He told me. Suddenly, the flashlights on either side activated and lightning ran over me and the device, and I felt a tingling run through my body as the Artifact slot on the buckle of my belt was unlocked, the piece blocking it evaporating. Three Artifacts meant to fit it then appeared in front of me with a twinkle of white light, and Fastpass explained to me, "Check out the new hero DNA slot I unlocked for you. The Artifacts you put in this should give you a big boost to your combat pow- to your combat pow- to your combat effectiveness. Go ahead and pick the one that best fits your loadout. Just be careful. Extra power can lead to reduced Health. Sort of like how steroids shrink your balls. Or so I've heard."

As he spoke, I noticed for the first time that each of my powers had a certain type, Brawn, Brains, and Spunk. Most of my powers were Brains, so I picked the Inhuman Accuracy Artifact to give me some extra strength with them. When I was done, Fastpass told me, "That should do it, New Kid. Hope you have a grasp of it! Now get out there and kick some booty." I then stepped off of the platform and looted his room, finding only some scrap before I looted the rest of the house, this time finding a makeup pattern in his medicine cabinet. I then took selfies with both of his parents before leaving.

When I got to the bus stop, I got a FaceTime call from Human Kite, who requested of me, "New Kid, this is the Human Kite! You know that little 'problem' you helped me take care of? Well, it's back. Can you come to my house ASAP please?" He then ended the call before I could say anything, and I sighed as I thought to myself, 'Why can't he deal with his fucking cousin himself?'

I continued on towards Kyle's house, and once I got to his door, it opened to reveal that he was waiting for me. "Thanks for coming. It's over here." He said. He then led me through his house and into his backyard, where we saw that Cousin Kyle was waiting for us. "I'M BAAAAAACK!" He screeched, and Kite walked into the yard and leaned against his house, asking me, "Will you deal with him, please?"

Before I could say anything, Cousin Kyle pointed to me and exclaimed, "Look, Cousin Kyle, it's that mean girl who beat me up before!" Kite sarcastically said, "Yeah, oh no, somebody stop her." "Don't worry, Cousin Kyle, I have developed these super-sensors which will make it almost impossible for her to beat us up this time." Cousin Kyle told him. Kite then looked to me and requested, "I have to stay out of this. Just please, PLEASE make him go away."

"Your mom is RIGHT in the kitchen!" I whispered to him, my voice just barely feeling well enough to communicate now. "I'll handle her, just PLEASE make him leave. I can't take it anymore!" Kite begged me. I sighed and reluctantly stepped forward to engage in combat with Cousin Kyle, who told me, "Prepare to meet your doom, evil bully girl!"

He then jumped down onto the ground as we all took our places in a combat grid, Super Craig, Mosquito, and Captain Diabetes showing up to help me. As he pointed at a bunch of junk he had assembled on his side, Cousin Kyle told us, "This barrier represents the Red Sea, which you will be unable to part without Moses on your side."

Mosquito then walked up to the barricade and used Skeeter Swarm to destroy part of it, gaining Attack Up as a side effect. Cousin Kyle then shot red lasers straight upwards, which curved down to hit me, Captain Diabetes, and Super Craig all at once. Angrily, I used Sand Trap to destroy the last of the first column of his barricade before Captain Diabetes used Sugar Rush to destroy part of the second column. Super Craig then ran forward with his Omega Crash Extra to destroy another part.

Mosquito used Skeeter Swarm again to destroy the last part of his barricade, and Cousin Kyle went to shoot us with lasers again before I used Glitch to skip his turn. 'How do YOU like it?' I asked him in my head, but of course he couldn't hear me, and so I just moved down into his row and ended my turn. Captain Diabetes used Coma Combo to deal some damage to Cousin Kyle, and Super Craig used Shining Hate Finger to make the nerdy boy focus on him and give himself Block.

Mosquito then went up one row and moved forward into the next column before using Skeeter Swarm to deal some damage and give him Gross Out, Cousin Kyle retaliating by firing red lasers at me and Super Craig before being defeated by his status effect. As he lay on the ground, Cousin Kyle told us, "Ugh… OK, OK, that does it!" He then stood up and told me, "You guys asked for it and now Human Kite shall use his Hebrew Faith to call upon the power of the wind. Hikmail ashungya!"

A gust of wind started blowing behind him, and Kite and I looked on in amazement before he said, "Let the strength of the wind make my kite fly into-" It was at that point that the wind grew too much for the tiny kite stuck to his head, and it flew off and into the big tree Kite had centered the Elven Forest on in the last game. "OH, JESUS, IT CAME OFF!" He exclaimed as his kite got stuck in a branch, making me stifle a giggle at the situation. "Oh, Jesus, my kite just flew up into the tree, cousin Kyle!" Cousin Kyle exclaimed.

"Then GIVE UP!" Kite told him with exasperation in his voice. Cousin Kyle wasn't deterred however, and told him, "Don't worry, super buddy cousin! Perhaps I no longer have my kite, but I still have my super weapon!" 'What, falling on your face?' I asked myself, and Cousin Kyle took a deep breath before yelling, "AUNT SHEILLLLLLLA! THESE KIDS ARE PICKING ON MEEE!"

'Well, I saw that coming.' I thought to myself as we heard, "WHAT, WHAT, WHAAAAT?!" Come from the kitchen, and Mrs. Broflovski came storming into the backyard. "WHO'S PICKING ON YOU?!" She demanded, and when she saw me, she roared and ran towards me before kicking me into the big tree. 'Oh, fuck me.' I thought to myself as I sailed through the air, and I felt a sharp pain in the back of my head as it hit the wood.

My ears immediately started ringing at the impact, and a horrible dizziness came over me as I fell to the ground. When I opened my eyes, my vision was swimming, but I could just barely make out the other Coon Friends defeating Cousin Kyle a second time before desperately trying to defend themselves against Mrs. Broflovski. Eventually, Kyle joined her in fighting against them, going back on his word like an asshole. I shook my head as I tried to clear the fuzziness from it before holding my nose and blowing into it to pop my ears, my hearing returning suddenly and making me wince. I swallowed a few times to return it to normal before shakily standing up, stumbling for a moment as I did so.

My vision started to steady after a few minutes, just in time for me to see the Coon Friends defeat Mrs. Broflovski and send her falling to the ground. "Mom, are you okay? Nice going, guys!" Kyle told us he helped her up and I rejoined the others with careful steps. "Kyle, get inside and call the police! We have to get these kids arrested." She told him angrily.

The statement shocked and outraged me, and I let it be known as I yelled at her, making my voice as strong as I could, "Get US arrested?! You've gotta be out of your fucking MIND! If anything, we should be having YOU arrested!" "You beat up me and my nephew!" She retorted. "We were playing a FUCKING GAME! And you punted me into a fucking TREE! What were we supposed to do, just let you fucking kill us?!" I shouted, then winced and grabbed the back of my head as a sharp pain went through it. When I pulled my hand back, it was covered in blood, and I sighed before I turned to Kyle and told him, "You said you would deal with this, so fucking deal with it. I've gotta go put something on my head wound."

I then walked past Sheila and Cousin Kyle into the house, where I opened the cabinet under the sink and pulled out their first aid kit. I opened it up and started applying some antibacterial spray to the gash on my head as I watched Kyle explain what had happened, and how poor a sport Cousin Kyle had been. I took a washcloth and started dabbing the blood from the back of my head as Sheila opened the sliding glass door and awkwardly asked me, "Hey there, Dova. Do you, uh… do you need any help… with your head?"

My throat was killing me at this point, but I ignored it and sarcastically rasped out, "Depends. Are you gonna try and finish cracking it open?" Sheila sighed and told me, "I deserved that. Listen, Dova, Kyle told me about how you were just playing a game and how his cousin was being a bad sport. I really am sorry about what I did, and I'd like to help you if you'd let me."

I deliberated with myself for a moment before I told her, "Well, all right. Thanks." I then handed her the washcloth and turned around so that she could dab at the back of my head. As she did, she told me, "Listen, I hate to ask you for a favor at a time like this, but… Well, I was wondering if you could let Cousin Kyle play with you kids. I promise that he would play fair this time."

"I don't know Mrs. Broflovski, he seems like he's a little… fragile, and our games can get pretty rough." I told her, my voice hoarse. Sheila sighed and told me, "I know he is. But he could never play with other children because of his health issues, and now that he's started getting healthier he wants to so badly. I know I have no right to ask you this after what I just did, but… I know that it would mean a lot to him."

I considered it for a moment before telling her, "Well, maybe there is a way he can play without getting hurt. I'll see what I can do." "Oh, thank you so much." Sheila told me, but afterwards asked with concern, "This gash seems pretty bad. Do you want me to take you to the hospital?"

"That won't be necessary. Can you check and make sure none of my hair is in it, though?" I asked, and winced as she made sure none of my hair was caught in the wound before telling me, "Okay, there's none in there. But we really should do something about this." "I'll handle it, I just need a few seconds." I told her, and closed my eyes and focused as the Dragon's Heart shined around my neck. Although I couldn't see it, I could feel my wound knitting itself together with pink energy, and I heard Sheila gasp behind me.

Once it was healed, I sighed as the glow faded from my necklace, and I felt around the back of my head to make sure there was no extra scar tissue. "Oh my." Sheila breathed out, then remarked, "So it's true what Kyle was telling me about you."

I nodded, my throat physically incapable of making any sound right now, and Sheila told me, "Well, we should still check to see if you have a concussion. Here, follow my finger." I then turned around and she moved her finger around in the air as I followed it with my eyes. After a moment of this, she nodded and remarked, "Alright, you should be good. Kyle wanted to talk to you in the backyard, by the way."

Cousin Kyle then walked in and Sheila started patching him up as I went out to talk to Human Kite. When I came up to him, I gave him a glare and used the speech app on my phone to tell him, "Remind me to never help you out again." Kyle asked me incredulously, "Look dude, I'm sorry. I know I said I would handle her, but what am I supposed to do? Beat up my mom?"

I used my phone again to tell him, "You weren't supposed to beat US up, that's for sure. Now come on, let's go." "Wait, wait! My kite is still stuck in the tree!" Cousin Kyle told us, as he was apparently done getting fixed up by Sheila. Kite sighed and told me, "Come on, if we don't get it, he'll just keep bugging us until we do." The two of us then went up to the base of the tree, but there weren't any branches low enough for us to grab on to, and I was still too weak to retrieve it with my powers.

I spotted a pinwheel on the side of Kite's slide however, and crouched down and looked to him as I got an idea. "Wow, that's a great idea!" Kite told me, somehow knowing what to do. I then ran up the slide and farted to propel us upwards, then kicked off of the rail and off of a branch, farting to push us up before we got onto the branch where Cousin Kyle's kite was. "Wow, your ass is full of surprises!" Kite told me.

I grabbed the kite before we dropped back down, using my farts and Kyle's kite to safely land on the ground. Once we were finished, Kite told me, "I'm going to call that Fartkour. When you need to reach high, out-of-the-way places, give me a call and we'll Fartkour up there. Man, I hope I never have to do that in public, though… Kind of embarrassing."

I silently vowed to do it in public as often as possible before we gave Cousin Kyle his kite back and left the house. I decided to explore with my new Buddy Power and saw that I had ranked up, so I put the Nether Talisman in my second Major Artifact slot before using a new one I had gotten from Cousin Kyle's battle called the Dreidel of Vengeance to replace my Vessel of Bacchus.

With that done, I headed to Main Street, where I saw that I had gotten Coonstagram messages from Super Craig and Mrs. Cartman to help them out, getting missions for them afterwards. Not liking where this was headed, I used Fartkour to reach some containers on the tops of the D-Mobile store and the building to the left of it. I decided to help Super Craig first and walked down the street, stopping to take a selfie with Sheila in Sloppy 2nds and use Fartkour to reach the roof of Freeman's Tacos and Photo Dojo to loot the chests that were up there. I equipped an Artifact I got from the roof of Photo Dojo, replacing the Nether Talisman again, before I went to Tweek's Coffee, having to defeat some Chaos Minions outside before I could go in.

I went up to Super Craig once I was done beating up the Chaos Minions, and he told me, "Alright, listen. I have this ex-friend who I hate now, and he still has my goddamn laptop. Go get it from him, and tell him if he doesn't give it back, I'm calling the fucking cops. His name is Tweek. You'll probably find him in his parent's coffee house. Give him this."

He then handed me a note, and I asked him via the speech function on my phone, "So you just called me over here to get your laptop back from your ex-boyfriend? Why not just get it yourself?" He responded, "Because he won't give it back and neither of our parents will help me. Just go get it, I'm sick of arguing about this with him."

I rolled my eyes and went into the coffee shop, buying a Recipe for Enriched Antidotes before going into the back room. When I walked in, I saw Tweek frantically chugging coffee with a manic look in his eyes, and I sighed before I walked up to him and smacked the cup out of his hands. Instantly, he rounded on me and started shouting incoherently, so I smacked him in the face to make him pause in his ranting and took an Antidote from my necklace. Before Tweek could go off on me again, I forced the bottle into his mouth and used it to keep his head in place as I squeezed the medicine into his mouth and started rubbing his throat to get him to swallow.

When the bottle was empty, Tweek started spazzing around for a minute before sighing and visibly relaxing as he started to pant, telling me, "Thanks, New Kid. I… I needed that." Just then, his dad poked his head in and asked him, "How are those taste tests coming, son?" "I CAN'T EVEN TASTE A DIFFERENCE ANYMORE!" Tweek responded. "Well, keep sampling, we need to come up with the perfect Sunset Blend." He responded in turn before going back into the restaurant. I then handed Craig's note to Tweek, who asked me, "What's this?"

"It's from Craig." I told him with my phone, and he opened it up and read, "'Give me my fucking laptop.'" "Can you please just give it to him? I've got stuff I need to do." I told him via my phone. "You can go back and tell him he can HAVE his laptop back, when I get my FUCKING GUINEA PIG BACK! We bought it when we were together, but STRIPE IS MINE! I PAID FOR HIM AND I HAVE THE RECEIPT!" He told me as he crumpled up the note and threw it out, then handed me a receipt from his pocket and ranted, "You think it's right for him to keep Stripe while HE'S the one who didn't stand up for me?! YOU TELL HIM THAT!" "Do you need another Antidote?" I asked him through my phone.

Tweek caught himself and told me, "Sorry, New Kid, it's just… it's been rough with me and Craig lately. And now my dad's been having me taste all these different kinds of coffee." I smiled at him and patted his shoulder to let him know it was alright before I went back into the main room and told Mr. Tweak that he needs to stop pumping Tweek full of coffee. After I explained the state he was in when I found him, he agreed to taste-test his own products, and I went outside to give Craig the receipt.

"Well, what did Tweek say about my laptop?" Craig asked when he saw that I didn't have it. I handed him the receipt the coffee addict have given me and he read it over before telling me with exasperation, "The fucking guinea pig?! UGH! FINE. You know where Stripe's cage is… go get him and give him to that fucking asshole." I sighed and set off for Craig's house, stopping in the movie theater along the way to loot it and grab a Yaoi picture off of a balcony. I ended up having to go through Tweek's again to get back onto the ground, but at least I got another Yaoi picture and a Recipe for Maximum Antidotes.

When I got to Craig's house, Stripe wasn't in his basement, and I saw a Coonstagram message from Super Craig that told me that he was in his room so I went up there. When I went up to get him however, Stripe was too fast for me, and I spent a few minutes vainly trying to catch him before I gave up and decided to do Mrs. Cartman's and Classi's missions for now. I then took a selfie with Craig's sister before leaving to go to Cartman's house.

When I got to Cartman's house and went into the kitchen, Mrs. Cartman told me, "Well, I hope you're having fun playing with the kids on the block. My little Eric loves making new friends and so do I." Without giving me a chance to respond, she told me, "Listen, I have new business cards and I need a little helper to hand them out around town." She then gave me a few business cards as she told me, "See, I'm a personal tutor who does house calls."

I read over one of the business cards to see that it had a pretty obvious picture of a woman's butt on it with the space between her legs just barely covered by small heart, and that they read, "Liane Cartman. Touch of Class. 1-on-1 Adult Tutoring." Along with her phone number. 'Does she really think I'm stupid enough to fall for this?' I asked myself, and she told me, "Try starting at Skeeter's Bar. Help me get some clients and I will cook you something super yummy!"

And just like that, I was handing out prostitution business cards. I sighed before I reluctantly went off to deliver them at Skeeter's, stopping in the Coon Lair to sell my inferior Artifacts and get some Recipes for better ones. I crafted the Skull of Sundering before using it to replace my Reaming Rod of Gargantua, selling the dildo to the Coon Store once it was off my belt. I then took selfies with Fastpass and Human Kite before I left.

I used the Fast Travel station to get to the Church, which is the closest place I could get to Skeeter's with Fast Travel at this point, and went up the street from there, past the police station, Crunchy's Microbrew, City Wok, where I activated a Fast Travel point, and Jimbo's Guns before I reached Skeeter's Bar. I went inside and promptly got a FaceTime call from Mrs. Cartman, who told me, "Oh good, you're there! Alright, now just give a card to every woman there. Oh, but make sure they're single! I don't want to be a homewrecker, after all."

She hung up with that, and I raised my eyebrow in confusion. 'Wow, and here I thought Mrs. Cartman was straight. Guess this explains why Cartman's so confused about dads fucking moms. Well anyway, time to get this over with.' I then handed the cards out to all of the women in the bar, keeping one for myself as a memento, or for evidence if needed. I thought all of them would reject them, but strangely they all reacted the same once I handed the cards to them, pausing for a moment and getting a dazed look before muttering something about calling her sometime. Once I had handed all of them out, I took selfies with Skeeter and Clyde's dad and left to go back to Mrs. Cartman.

I Fast Traveled back to Cartman's house and went inside, and when Mrs. Cartman saw me approach, she asked, "Oh! Have you handed out all of my business cards?" I nodded in affirmation and she told me, "Well, I've just finished up your little reward – you've earned it, sweetie!" She then handed me a Tupperware container full of brownies and told me, "Be careful though. These are for girls only, if you get my meaning." She then winked at me and went back to washing dishes. 'I guess Mrs. Cartman knows about all the girls in town having sex with each other. Come to think of it, do the adults do it too?' I thought to myself before I left.

Once I left the house, I used the Fast Travel point outside to get back to Main Street, where I went to the alleyway to cut through to the construction site and go to Medicinal Fried Chicken for Classi's mission. I didn't make it two feet however before I was ambushed by Raisins girls, who locked the accordion doors on either end of the alley. "Your little friend Mosquito dined and dashed again, cutie." Mercedes told me as she walked out from behind a stack of boxes. "He said you'd pay again, so are you going to do this the easy way or the hard way?"

I sighed in annoyance and took on a combat stance in response. Mercedes shrugged and told me, "The hard way it is. Fine by me, cutie." With that, all of the girls rushed me, completely ignoring our combat grid. I tried to put up a bubble of pink energy to block them, but was too weak from using it so much yesterday and last night. The girls all then jumped on top of me and started biting and scratching whatever they could reach. I panicked for a moment before remembering that I had other powers as well, and mentally kicked myself before I let off a burst of fire from my body to get them off me. I shot lightning and ice from my hands in order to knock them down, then put up a wall of earth behind me to block one that was trying to tackle me. Finally, I used a wave of fire to defeat them all.

Once they had all been felled, they picked themselves up as Mercedes told me, "You really think this is over?! Get her, Rebecca!" Just then, a huge girl dressed in a Raisins uniform walked in from the other end of the alley and told me, "I'm gonna break you in half and shove you up my butt." My eyes widened as Mercedes told me, "Rebecca here is part of our security team, and she does her job VERY well. Time for round two!"

Rebecca and the others started to close in on me again, but all of a sudden, their phones all started chiming at once. Rebecca pulled hers out and freaked out that a thousand people had disliked a picture of her doing ballet. All of the other girls took out their phones to see that they were getting trolled too, and they all scrambled to try and get to a computer.

They were all gone in a few seconds, and I was left wondering just what the hell happened. I wouldn't have to wonder for long however, as a voice behind me greeted, "Hello, New Kid." I turned around to see a girl in a pink costume and mask that had multiple cellular devices strapped onto her body. "Don't worry, I'm unfriending their Instagrams exponentially. They won't be back for a while." She told me as she typed on two phones at once.

I stared at the girl for a moment until I suddenly realized who she was, and whispered out, "Wendy?" Her shoulders fell as she heard me, and she muttered to herself, "Ah fuck, I was really hoping it would take you longer to figure out who I was." Wendy then warned me as she walked forward, "Anyway, you gotta be careful playing superhero. You can make a lot of enemies."

I pointed out with my phone, "That wasn't actually my fault. Clyde can't stay away from Raisins, and he has a bad habit of not paying the bill." Wendy nodded in understanding before turning away from me and up to the sky, monologuing, "Some boys think girls don't make good superheroes." 'Cartman.' I thought to myself before she turned back to me and asked, "I've known you were a girl since the day you moved here, New Kid. Why do you lead everyone to believe you're a boy?"

"My dad set up my Facebook when I first moved here, and he thought I was a boy at the time. And it just seems to happen to me a lot for some reason." I told her through my phone. Wendy nodded and walked up to me as she explained, "I see. Well look, you've got problems, New Kid. Whatever you did last night got a lot of people's attention. BAD people. There's a crime boss who's been calling the shots here in South Park, and now that person is planning to run for office. Whatever you did last night scared him." She then held up two phones and started typing on them as she told me, "I'm tracking everyone's Instagrams and Facebooks and will continue to cross-reference with Tumblr, while monitoring Twitter and LinkedIn. If you need any information… Just know you can rely on Call Girl." She started walking away from me as she finished her sentence, and I told her in a whisper, "You should really change that name."

Call Girl looked confused as she asked me, "What? What's wrong with the name?" I took a breath but decided I was too tired to explain it to her right now and told her, "I… I'll tell you later." Call Girl had a concerned look on her face as she asked me, "Are you okay, New Kid?" I nodded and told her, "Yeah, just tired." Call Girl shrugged and told me, "Watch your back, girlfriend…" As she climbed up the fire escape of the building next to us.

I saw that I had gained a new DNA Artifact along with a Recipe for a regular one in addition to some change, so I crafted the Scarab of R'Lyeh but left the DNA slot alone. When I got to the construction site, I used Scott's Diabetic Rage to knock a ladder down from the nearby portable building.

I broke the satellite and took the resulting Harvester of Fogni Artifact before using it to replace my Effigy of the Moon. I then used Fartkour to get over to some nearby scaffolding and loot a chest, which just had a costume set in it. Once I had gotten back on the ground, I walked down the sidewalk to the weed store, which immediately locked down upon my approach. I sighed as the robot voice told me to go away, and thought to myself, 'Well, unless I can age myself eight years in two seconds, it looks like I'm fucked.'

"Not quite, New Kid." I heard behind me. I turned around to see a phantasmal Morgan Freeman behind me, who said, "It's time to advance your training, New Kid. Here, take this." Just then, the trunk of a nearby car opened as he faded away, and I looked inside to see a Recipe for a Cheesy Shrimparito. It seemed simple enough, so I set off for City Wok to get the shrimp. Unfortunately however, a group of sixth graders had electrified a stream of water down the street, so that way was blocked.

I reversed my course and went through the alleyway back onto Main Street, then went past the Town Square and beat up some more sixth graders at City Hall. With that done, I turned down the street towards the Peppermint Hippo, where I decided to stop for a second and take some selfies with the dancers, a couple of the patrons, and the DJ. I also found Jimbo's wallet, which I decided to return to him on my way to City Wok. I left once I had taken all the selfies and loot I could, and moved on down the street to Crunchy's Microbrew, where I detonated a propane tank in a truck outside twice to get the loot around it. I made sure to use Glitch once I was done since the truck already looked beat-up enough.

With that done, I passed Crunchy's and went down the street to City Wok, where I bought some shrimp and a Tortilla before I took a Yaoi picture off the wall and a selfie with Barbrady before I left. I then went into Jimbo's Guns next door and gave Jimbo his wallet back. He then gave me a Ham radio that I could use to summon him and Ned before I took selfies with the two of them and left. Afterwards, I beat up some sixth graders and used Fartkour to reach the roof of Skeeter's Bar.

Once I got up there, I took a selfie with some kid before grabbing some cheese and using fireworks to destroy the piping for a broken fan, which fell on top of the dumpster. I then used Fartkour to get to the roof of Jimbo's Guns and loot a chest before farting my way back onto the ground. Once there, I crafted the Cheesy Shrimparito, making sure not to use the parts of the cheese that had mold. Once it was done, I made my way back to Medicinal Fried Chicken. I reached the weed shop quickly and took a deep breath before devouring the Shrimparito, washing it down with water once it was gone.

I didn't feel anything at first, but after a moment I felt a deep rumbling in my gut, even stronger than when I had gotten TimeFart Glitch. I groaned before releasing the gas inside me, the resulting fart echoing throughout town. I panted as I recovered from the bowel-blasting and looked around before my jaw dropped in shock. Everything around me was… stopped. Birds floated in the air mid-flight, people stood frozen on the sidewalk, and the guns in front of the store, which used to be constantly twitching and adjusting their angle, were completely still. 'I… I can freeze time. With my ass.' I thought to myself before grinning and continuing, 'I am going to abuse the shit out of this.'

I pulled the handle to shut off the security system in front of the store, which seemed like a major design flaw, and managed to resume time after a little trial and error. Once things were moving normally again, I went to open the door, but I hadn't even grasped the handle when Coon suddenly walked up beside me and said, "Ah, New Kid! I see you've also come to assist in assuring Classi's cooperation."

'He knows this place doesn't actually serve chicken, right?' I thought to myself as he walked up to stand beside me before saying, "Please, after you." I shrugged and opened the door to go inside, and Coon told the cashier as we walked up to the counter, "Huh, hello. We're picking up some medicine for a friend." Once we both reached the front counter, the red-hatted cashier asked us, "Oh, is your friend looking for an energizing mental feeling or more of a full-body high?"

I took out the prescription Classi had given us, but it just said, "Weed." With two little dicks coming from the E-E and double penetrating the W, so it was useless. I put it away as Cartman told him, "Uh, I don't know." "I'll send over our expert Budtender who can help you out!" The cashier told us as he walked into the back room.

And at that moment, a blue anthropomorphic towel walked out of the back while wearing the same apron as the cashier. My eyes widened at the sight as the towel got up on a stool and told us, "Hey! You wanna get high? Oh, hey Eric!" I looked to the Coon, who told (him? her? it?), "Oh wow, Towelie! I thought you went to rehab."

"Yeah, I did, but now I'm back in South Park. Clean and sober almost a year. Clean and sober. No drugs at all. And I tell you what, I DON'T MISS IT!" Towelie exclaimed, and I thought to myself, 'Okay, apparently there's a talking towel that lived in South Park and did drugs, and now he's off drugs and working in a weed store? I honestly can't tell if it's a good thing or a bad thing that that's not the weirdest thing I've ever seen.' My inner monologue went unheard however, and Coon awkwardly asked him as he gestured around the shop, "And you work here in a pot store?"

"Cannabis, Eric, and yeah, it's great!" Towelie corrected him. "Now I get high, helping people cure their insomnia, back pain, migraines, and stress… naturally! Did you know that ancient Chinese gave cannabis to their infants for teething?" Coon simply made a surprised noise as Towelie asked us, "I have an addictive personality so I'm cool without it. And now I got a kid with my lady, so… better to stay on the straight and narrow, you know?"

"You have a kid… Right." Coon commented awkwardly. Towelie then told him, "Turns out I had one the whole time! I was too high to realize. Now I'm holding down a job and paying the rent. But I'm also doing good, helping people find the herbal remedies they need… to combat all the modern stresses of a job and TAXES and TRAFFIC and a WIFE breathing down my neck about the APARTMENT and 'TOWELIE WE GOT A LEAK, WHY CAN'T YOU FIX IT?' 'I'M NOT A PLUMBER, BITCH. I'M A TOWEL. NOT A FUCKIN' PLUMBER!'" The towel's tone started to become agitated about halfway through his story, and my eyes widened as I thought to myself, 'Jeez, guess being sober isn't working out as well as he says it is.'

Coon quickly changed the subject and told the irate towel, "OK… We're, we're here to pick up our friend's medicine. Her name is Classi." Starting to cool down a little bit, Towelie asked him, "Oh, Classy! Classy with a Y with a clit hanging off it and licking the shit out of the C?" "No, no, no, no, it's, uh, Classi with a dick hanging off the I that's fucking the L out of the A-S-S." Coon corrected him.

"Ohh, that Classi! Sure, I got her order!" Towelie told him, then turned around and took an orange pill bottle full of weed from a display behind him, then started looking through it while telling us, "Eh, she… She likes the Banana Kush for her back pain and some of the Platinum OG to – Wait, what the fuck?"

Towelie stopped looking through the bottle with an irritated expression on his face and started shouting as he slammed his fists on the table, "WHO PUT THE CHILLAX KUSH IN WITH THE OG MELLOWBLISS?! WHAT THE FUCK, YOU RETARDS?! PEOPLE DON'T WANNA MIX THEIR MELLOW WITH THEIR CHILL! THEY'LL GET ALL FUCKED UP! GOD, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK!" Coon put his hands up to try and placate Towelie, telling him, "Hey, hey Towelie, it's cool, relax…"

This only seemed to make him angrier as he started ranting, "No, it is NOT FUCKING COOL! I'm trying to run a legitimate business here and my back hurts, I can't sleep, I got no appetite, this shitty town is so fucked up. We gotta buy all our product from FUCKING SIXTH GRADERS! AND WHO KNOWS WHAT THE SHIT THEY'RE PUTTING IN IT! And then to top it off I got a couple of little dick-lickers coming into MY STORE telling ME TO RELAX! FUCK YOU!" He was actively screaming and banging his fists on the register at this point, and pointed at the two of us and screeched, "YOU RELAX! YOU'RE A TOWEL!"

He then leaped off of the register and shouted, "Budtenders, get in here! It's time to give these kids a fucking consultation!" The cashier then ran into the room along with a new one dressed in a blue shirt, and the one in the hat told him, "Towelie, calm down! You're freakin' out, man!" "Yeah, you need to chill!" The other agreed.

Towelie roared and punched both of them in the crotch, making me wince and them collapse as he screamed, "FINE! I'LL KILL 'EM MYSELF! FUCK YOU GUYS ANYWAY!" He then roared again and pulled out a lighter and a can of hairspray from somewhere and started chasing us with it, lighting the lighter and using it to ignite the stream of hairspray to create a make-shift flamethrower. Coon and I ran around in a panic as Towelie chased us and knocked over displays.

After a few minutes, Coon and I had to separate, and immediately afterward I was cornered, Towelie having led me into a wall. He laughed maniacally before firing another stream of flame at me, and I just barely managed to dive out of the way and scramble away from him. A plume of smoke came from where I was just standing however, and I looked back to see that Towelie had accidentally lit a pile of weed on fire. As the smoke started to spread throughout the store, Towelie muttered, "SHIT! That wasn't supposed to happen! Sure does smell nice, though." He seemed to relax as he smelled the smoke, taking deep breaths through his equivalent of a nose.

I gasped as I realized what we needed to do, and told Coon, who was running around in a panic, "Coon! We need to light the weed on fire! The smoke will calm him down!" Coon paused and looked around the store before telling me, "Yes, yes of course! Get Towelie to chase you again! I'll get some piles together." He then started gathering the weed that Towelie had knocked around into three big piles, and I told Towelie with my voice as strong as I could make it, "Hey Towelie! Your mother was a dishrag!"

Towelie looked up from smelling the pot fumes and told me, "What?! Fuck you, kid!" He then lit his hairspray again and started chasing me. I ran around for a few moments to give Coon some time to get a pile together. Once he was done, I ran over to it and paused before diving to the side, making him miss me and hit the weed. "Damn it, I missed again. Still, that's some good quality cannabis right there. God's air freshener." He muttered, and I saw him relax even more. I knew we need to get him even more high though, so I ran past him and punched him in the arm to get him to chase me again.

My head started to feel a little fuzzy as I ran, but I didn't have time to think about it before I saw Coon getting another pile together. I jumped over it to make Towelie light it, and he chuckled as he muttered, "Oh man, I was hoping you'd use that one. That's one o' my personal favorites, right there." I panted as I stood with my hands on my knees, the increasing smoke and all of the running I was doing taking a toll on me. Thankfully Towelie didn't seem in any hurry to chase me again, so I stood still for a moment as I took some deep breaths, starting to feel funny as I did.

Suddenly, Coon started waving his arms around frantically, and I saw that he had one last big pile set up. I waved to Towelie to get his attention, and he muttered, "Oh yeah, we're uh, we're fightin'." He then got his hairspray and lighter ready, but the can just made a high-pitched wheezing sound and didn't do anything as he tried to use it. "Aw man, I'm all out." Towelie muttered, and I shrugged and shot a jet of flame at the cannabis myself, igniting it and making the store thick with smoke.

I sighed with relief as Towelie breathed in and got a goofy grin on his face, then started softly giggling and laughing at the situation as I fell on my back. 'We-We just got chased around a WEED STORE! BY A TOWEL! AND HE HAD A FLAMETHROWER!' I thought to myself, cracking myself up. I wiped away a tear and picked myself up before I turned back to Towelie with a grin to match his as Coon came up to us. "Oh… Hey, how you been Eric? Ah, you're a cool guy… I'm psyched to see you, man." Towelie told him.

I got a new DNA Artifact and some change from the fight, but barely noticed as Towelie handed Coon Classi's weed and told us, "Ay, this is for Classi. I threw in a couple hash nuggets and some Granddady Purple Shatter on the house… Come by anytime for a hookup." 'Man, he's pretty cool when he's not trying to kill us.' I thought to myself dazedly, and Coon told me, "Alright, Butthole, I've got some stuff to take care of at the Coon Lair, so I need you to deliver this to Classi. Don't let me down."

I nodded with a grin still on my face as he handed me the bottle and left the building. I followed him at a much slower pace, and thought to myself as I exited, 'Okay, now I've got to… uh, wait… what was I supposed to do?' I had completely forgotten my task, so I wracked my brains to try and figure out what my mission was. My thoughts had slowed to a crawl however, and eventually I gave up and shrugged, thinking to myself, 'Ah well, I'll remember it eventually.'

With that, I walked off with no particular direction in mind, just looking around and staring in wonder at the birds and squirrels I passed. I stopped in a store window and looked at myself for a moment as I noticed something. My eyes were bright pink, and I giggled to myself at the sight before my stomach growled. I suddenly felt incredibly hungry, and decided to stop at the vending machine in the playground to get some snacks.

Once I got there, I bought a few bags of chips and sat down to eat them. As I was eating, I thought to myself, 'Mmmm, these are really good chips. Or am I just really hungry?' I shrugged as I decided that it didn't matter, and ate a few more chips as I thought to myself, 'Man, Bebe would LOVE these.' My thoughts then came to a screeching halt, or whatever the equivalent is when your train of thought is going at a snail's pace, and I sighed with happiness as I found my head dominated by thoughts of the perky blonde. I blushed as I decided to go see her, and got up to throw my empty chip bags away before slowly making my way to her house.

It didn't take me long to reach my girlfriend's house, and I sighed as I looked up at it from the front yard. I happily went inside and climbed up the stairs to her room. "Bebe!" I softly exclaimed when I saw her. Wendy wasn't there at the moment, presumably running around as Call Girl, so she was alone on her bed. "Dova?" She asked in confusion as I climbed up onto the bed and started snuggling myself into her.

"Mmm, I love you, Bebe. You're so pretty." I told her with my face buried in her shirt. "Are you okay?" She asked me. I nodded and told her, "Uh-huh." I then snuggled myself closer into her and muttered, "Hmmmmm, you're so pretty. So… pretty…" I trailed off as a deep fatigue came over me and I faded into unconsciousness.

*Bebe's POV*

I stared down at Dova with wide eyes. She had just walked into my room out of nowhere and started babbling about how I was pretty, and then she passed out. "What the fuck?" I asked myself.

*Dova's POV*

I woke up to someone shouting in my ear. "Ay! No sleeping on the job, ButtLord! Wake the fuck up!" I groaned and cracked my eyes open to see that everything was blurry, so I patted around the nightstand until I found my glasses. Putting them on, I picked up my phone to see that Coon was on FaceTime, and he told me, "Fucking finally! Get that medicine to Classi RIGHT FUCKING NOW! COON OUT!" He then hung up before I could say anything, and I realized that I had been sleeping in Bebe's bed and not my own. Suddenly, Bebe walked through the door holding my clothes and asked me, "Hey there, Dova. Feeling better?"

"I think so. What happened to me? And how long was I out?" I asked as the memories of me getting sidetracked returned. I rubbed my throat after I spoke, surprisingly feeling little discomfort, and I figured that sleep and the weed fumes I was remembering probably had something to do with it. Bebe smiled as she walked up to the bed and told me, "Eric told me about Classi and what happened at Medicinal Fried Chicken. You must've gotten high and lost track of your mission. And you were asleep for about an hour."

Going over the events that had led me to Bebe's house in my head, I realized that she was right, and rubbed my head as I asked myself, "Yeah, I guess so. Jesus, how the hell does my dad stay like that 24/7?" I then jumped off the bed and noticed that I was wearing a plain white shirt and a pair of Bebe's pajama pants as she shrugged before she told me, "No idea. But if you're feeling better, you should probably take a shower. If your mom smells weed on you, she'll freak out. I'll leave out a new costume for you once you're done."

I smiled at her gratefully and went to hug her, but she backed away and told me, "After you shower." I giggled and nodded before I went down to the bathroom to take a shower. I made sure to scrub myself and wash out my hair thoroughly to get rid of every trace of the smell of weed. Once I was done however, I came to an entirely new problem.

"Really, Bebe? THIS is the costume you want me to wear?" I asked her. "Yup!" Came from the other side of the door, and she continued in a teasing voice, "And remember, you can't change for the rest of the day." I sighed with a blush on my face as I whispered to myself, "Nympho." Regardless, I reluctantly changed into the clothes Bebe had left for me, then opened the door to reveal myself to her.

Bebe hummed appreciatively at the sight of me. The costume she had laid out for me was the Dirty Candy set I had bought the Recipe for at Raisins, and it consisted of a skintight green bikini bottom and pink shirt with a black skull and crossbones on the front and a number of purposefully made holes in it. It also came with two spiked belts, some fishnet gloves, acrylic red nails, and a pair of gray sneakers. "I look like a hooker." I complained, and Bebe embraced me in a tight hug and told me, "Yeah, but you're MY hooker." She then grabbed my ass through my bikini bottom, making me blush.

I sighed and asked her, "Can I at least add something so that people won't recognize me?" Bebe hummed in thought and told me, "Okay, but I have to see it first." She then let me go so that I could equip the Amazonian Circlet I had found earlier along with some red Eye Flames Base Makeup. Bebe hummed appreciatively once I was done and told me, "Nice. Now you're even sexier."

I looked in the bathroom mirror and groaned as I realized that she was right, and thought to myself, 'Well, hopefully people won't realize it's me.' Bebe then smacked my ass and told me, "Now get on out there, hero. You've got to get that 'medicine' to Classi."

I nodded and gave Bebe another hug before I left her house to get to Jimmy's. Once there, I walked through the door to see Classi still laying on the couch with Jimmy standing nearby, and once I approached, the boy asked me, "See?! Here's the New Kid now! You got Classi's prescription?!" "Damn well BETTER have my prescription!" Classi remarked, and I handed her the bottle of weed. "Well, it's about motherfuckin' time! Praise Jesus! I need this shit bad!" She exclaimed.

"If I don't gets my medication I lose my motherfuckin' mind, you know what I'm sayin'?" She asked as she rolled some of the weed into a joint. She then lit the marijuana cigarette and took a deep drag off it. Instantly, she visibly relaxed as she let some smoke out of her mouth and muttered, "All right, all right, all right, that's MUCH fuckin' better." She then reclined back on the couch and told me, "All right… Listen… The place y'all need to go is U-Stor-It. That's where they takin' the cats. You know what I'm sayin'?"

"That's it!" Fastpass exclaimed, then pulled out his phone and called the Coon, telling him, "Coon, this is Fastpass. The New Kid got the intel from Classi." "Not bad, New Kid. What did you learn?" Coon asked as he called me on FaceTime. Fastpass replied for me and told him, "It's the U-Stor-It, in the northeast of town. Classi says the cats are being taken there."

"The U-Stor-It… We should have known. All right, keep Classi safe. I'll get back to you guys soon." Coon told him before he hung up on us, Fastpass telling him, "Roger that. Fastpass ou… Fastpass ou… Fastpass ou… Fastpass ou… Fastpass out." I then took a selfie with Classi, making sure that she kept her joint out of the picture, before I left Jimmy's house. I didn't even go three feet before a brown car with a siren on top pulled up in front of me, and a police officer inside asked, "Hey, kid. You're that Farting Vigilante, from the news, right?"

'Oh, fuck me twice.' I thought to myself, but it would appear that he wasn't there to arrest me as he told me, "Not a talker, eh? Well, Sergeant wants to have a few words with you over at the station." He then drove off, and I sighed as I rationalized to myself, 'Well, if he was going to arrest me he would have done it right there and then. Might as well see what he wants.' I decided to get Stripe first however, but I hadn't even taken a few steps towards Craig's house when I got a FaceTime call from the poorly-costumed boy, who told me, "New Kid! You need to fill out more of your character sheet. Go to Crunchy's Microbrew. Somebody there can help you." He hung up before I could say anything, and I saw that I had gotten a new mission to go to the brewery.

As soon as Super Craig hung up, I got yet another FaceTime call, this one from Mr. Mackey. "Oh hey, New Kid? Yeah, uhmm, so it turns out gender is actually a little more, uhm, complicated than what we talked about yesterday, mkay. Could you come back to my office so we can sort this out, maybe? Mkay, thanks, mkay." He nervously asked before hanging up, and I got another mission to go see him again.

I decided to take care of the new missions after I saw what the police chief wanted and went back to Craig's house, using my new TimeFart Pause to catch his guinea pig. I then went back onto Main Street and walked down to Tweak's Coffee. When I walked up to him, Super Craig told me, "When you give that to Tweek, make sure he knows that when you WALK OUT ON SOMEONE, you don't get to make up the rules anymore!"

I went inside and saw Tweek standing by the door to the back room while sipping on some ginger ale, presumably because he had punished his stomach with so much coffee, and went up to him to hand him Stripe. "Oh, he finally decided to be reasonable, huh? Fine." Tweek said when I gave him the guinea pig. He then took a laptop from a nearby cabinet and gave it to me, telling me before he walked into the back room, "Here's his stupid laptop."

Before I could go out and give it to Super Craig however, Mr. Tweak came up from behind the counter and told me, "Uh, hello… New Kid, right? Listen, I see you're really trying hard to get my son and his boyfriend back together and… Well, I so appreciate it. Having a gay son is really good for the coffee business." He took Super Craig's laptop as he spoke to me, and I glared at him for putting his business before his son AGAIN. He didn't notice however, and requested of me, "I think all they need is a little relationship counseling. Could you give this to Craig?" He then handed me two sheets of paper with details for a relationship counseling session from Mr. Mackey on them and asked me, "Maybe together we can both help them out, huh?"

Mr. Tweak then walked off with Super Craig's laptop, and I thought to myself, 'Well, if it'll get them to stop fighting I'll do it. Craig's not gonna be happy about his laptop though.' I then left the coffee shop and went up to Super Craig, who asked me, "Where is it?" When he saw that I still didn't have his laptop. I gave him the counseling paper in response, and Super Craig got an incredulous look before he told me, "Counseling? Tweek wants to go to counseling? No way."

He looked down in thought for a second before apparently changing his mind, as he told me, "Tell him there's no way I'll go to counseling unless YOU go too. I need my support team." 'Shit, looks like I'm getting roped right back into this.' I thought to myself, and went back into the shop to give Tweek his note.

Once I had given him the paper, Tweek told me, "What's this? RELATIONSHIP COUNSELING? Craig? Are you shitting me? Well, FINE I'll do it. As long as you're there. You seem to be able to get him to think rationally." 'Yes, thanks to my super-secret ultimate conversational technique known as silence.' I thought to myself sarcastically. I then left the coffee shop and went to go down to the police station, talking to Mr. Tweak on the way out and getting a costume set from him along with a selfie.

I went inside the station and the doorman unlocked the electronic lock on the door to let me inside the rest of the station. When I got inside, I saw Sergeant Yates making an incredibly racist joke, and when I walked up to him, he asked me, "Oh! Oh, what have we here? You're the one who made the news last night, huh?" I stared at him in silence for a moment before he told me, "Well, the police can always use the help of concerned citizens."

'Wait, so he wants me to help them?' I thought to myself as Yates turned to the officers on either side of them and told them, "I guess we can give our little junior detective a special kiddie case to work on." His tone turned solemn as he told me, "Okay look, there's a new drug kingpin in town, someone who wants to unite all of the crime families in town, a really bad dude. We've tracked him to this location but we can't move in without him running. That's where you come in. You go in after him, my men will follow."

He showed me the location of Nichole Daniels' house on my phone before he crouched down and told me in a condescending tone, "If you take out the drug kingpin we'll give you this Junior Detective badge. Pretty neat, huh? Now get out there!" He showed me an Artifact that was shaped like a police badge before he and his buddies dispersed, and I thought to myself, 'Well, if the kingpin Classi was talking about is hiding out in Nichole's house, I guess I should go get him. Still, something about this doesn't feel right.'

I decided to loot the station before I left, and found some scrap, a wig and a slutty costume, another vial of cat pee, a doll I recognized as belonging to Karen McCormick, and a side mission to post headshots around town. I then left the police station, putting up one of the pictures that Mr. Adams had given me on the way out.

I put up another headshot at City Hall on my way through Main Street before I went through the park, taking selfies with DogPoo and a kid named Filmore on the way, and finally reached Nichole's house. Once I got close to it, I got a FaceTime call from Yates, who told me, "OK, you're approaching the hideout. Find a way in, but be careful, he's probably armed to the teeth. Thermal imaging is showing the suspect is in the rear of the house."

He then hung up, and I took a deep breath before going inside the house and making my way to the kitchen. The only one there however was Mr. Daniels, who looked to me in confusion and asked, "What? Oh, you're that New Kid, right? What are you doing here?" Suddenly, police officers burst through the windows and wrestled Mr. Daniels to the ground before taking him away in handcuffs. I stood there in shock for a moment before Yates called me on FaceTime again to tell me, "Good work little crimestopper, but unfortunately it would seem that this guy is just the tip of the iceberg. The real kingpin is in some big fancy mansion bought with blood money in the north part of town. We need you to go in and take him out."

He then hung up, and as I saw police officers planting evidence in the kitchen, it all made sense to me. 'These assholes are just using me to frame Mr. Daniels and Mr. Black! Well they're going to learn really fast that they fucked with the wrong girl.' I thought to myself. I then whipped out my phone and took video of all of the officers planting evidence and loudly talking about how they were planting evidence. My ability to somehow remain unnoticed even in the most obvious of locations worked to my advantage, as no one even saw me as I took dozens of pictures of them setting up the fake crime scene and erasing their bodycams.

I looted the house and took selfies with Red and Nichole upstairs before leaving. I then stopped next door to talk to Big Gay Al and promised to get all his cats back for him. I got one of them past the playground before I reluctantly went down to Token's house, getting another one of Al's cats at the construction site. I then decided to take care of a couple things and beat up the sixth graders that had electrocuted the fire hydrant outside Buca de Faggoncini, using TimeFart Pause to bypass the environmental hazard. I then activated the Fast Travel point outside the Italian restaurant before going back to Token's house.

It would seem that the guard wasn't there, so I was able to get through the gate easily. I was very wrong however, as once I was inside, the guard jumped out of the bushes and told me, "Not this time, sir! Not this time! Please move the fuck along, or I will fuck you up non-lethally! I will beat you until my shift is over, sir!" He didn't give me a chance to respond before he pulled out a nightstick and whistled to bring three dogs out of the bushes on the other side.

I glared at him as I thought, 'I am NOT beating up a bunch of dogs.' While Human Kite, Super Craig, and Captain Diabetes fought the security guard, I went up to the dogs and held up my hands to placate them as they all growled at me with their heads low to the ground. I made gentle shushing noises with my mouth as they waited for a signal of hostility. I gave them no such signal however, and eventually they started to relax, getting into a wary but no longer hostile stance.

I then slowly took some non-spicy boneless wings that I had gotten from fighting Raisins girls out of my necklace before offering them to the dogs. When they saw the offered food, their ears immediately perked up and they carefully took the wings and started eating them. They started panting with happiness once they were done, and I had a smile on my face as they let me pet them. "Damn it! Go get 'em, fellas!" I heard from behind me, and two more rent-a-cops came out of the bushes on the other side of him.

The dogs and I shared a look before they leaped at the additional security, scaring them and making them run off with the dogs hot on their heels. They stopped at the gate to Token's house, where they remained to bark and growl at the rapidly retreating pair. Suddenly, I heard a loud groan from behind me, and turned around to see that the security guard had been defeated before Human Kite, Super Craig, and Captain Diabetes all ran off. I then turned around again to see that the dogs had calmed down and were rolling around on the grass. I smiled at them and took a picture before going into Token's house.

I hadn't even taken one step before alarms started blaring all over the house, and I jumped at their screeching. "What the hell?" I heard from the second story, and looked up to see Mr. Black looking down from the railing. I then started recording on my phone just in time to catch a beanbag round flying in through the window and hitting him in the nuts, making him double over in pain before more officers swarmed the house and started beating him up. I made sure to capture every moment as they kicked him around and called him the N-word repeatedly before taking him away in handcuffs and starting to plant evidence again.

Once they were all gone, Yates told me to come back to the station again over FaceTime, and once he hung up I looted the house of a Recipe for a Quesadilla Especial, some scrap, and Token's, or I guess I should say Tupperware's judging by his character sheet, locker combination and a Yaoi picture before leaving. Once outside, I sent everything I had gotten to the Mayor along with a text that read, "Looks like whoever's trying to get you out of office is using a smokescreen."

After a few minutes, she sent a text back that read, "Damn it! Well good work, Vigilante, but this isn't enough. Yates and the police force are the only law enforcement in this town besides Barbrady. People will believe them if they say it's fake. We need more, something that will destroy their credibility." "I'll see what I can find." I texted back to her before going down to the police station.

Once there, I set my phone to record audio and went up to Yates. "Good work on clearing that kingpin, little crime stopper." He told me once he saw me approach, and said, "I wish I had 100 more just like you on the force." He then handed me the police badge he had shown me earlier, and I sighed as I realized the recording would get us zilch. I then took selfies with Yates, an officer by the door, and the doorman before leaving, glad to finally be done with these missions.

I opened the Map on my phone to look at my remaining missions once I was outside. I had one to talk to Mackey and another to go to Crunchy's Microbrew in addition to the ones to find Yaoi and Al's cats and distribute headshots. I remembered passing Mosquito outside of Raisins a few times however, and decided to see what kind of trouble he had gotten himself into before I did anything else.

I replaced my Dreidel of Vengeance with the badge Yates had given me on the way, and once I had gotten to Raisins, I found Mosquito waiting for me. "Ah, New Kid! You came!" He exclaimed once he saw me. "What did you do now?" I asked him softly, and he replied, "Nothing! The wenches in this wing eatery have stolen my dad's credit card! Come on, you have to help me get it back!"

He moved to go inside, but I grabbed his wrist and pulled him back, telling him, "Mosquito, we both know they didn't steal your credit card." "No, they-" He began as I turned him to face me, but I cut him off by telling him, "We both know you gave it to them after you ran out of money and we both know that they kicked you out. These girls are trying to run a business, and they don't need you coming in every day and skipping out on the check. Now when we go in there, you're going to keep quiet and let me handle this. And if you don't, I'm going to tell your dad you stole his credit card."

Mosquito's eyes widened in fear and he told me, "You wouldn't." "Try me." I responded as I gave him a glare. We stared at each other for a moment before he sighed with defeat and told me, "Alright, I'll let you do the talking. Just please help me get my dad's card back. If he finds out I took it, he'll ground me for the rest of the year!" He then buzzed like a mosquito before I nodded to him and went inside Raisins with him in tow.

Once inside, I walked up to Mercedes and tapped her on the shoulder. She turned around and asked me with a sour face, "Oh, it's you two. What do you want?" "I'm here to ask you to give Clyde his dad's credit card back." I told her in response. Mercedes scoffed and told me, "No way. He gave it to us because he wanted time in the wrestling pit. And then he skipped out on his check AGAIN."

"Wrestling pit?" I asked myself quietly before telling Mercedes, "Whatever. Look, he wouldn't have even gotten a check if you had put up a sign like I told you." "Management wouldn't let us." She replied. "If you really want to get his card back, you can pay the check yourself." I sighed with exasperation and reluctantly asked, "How much is it?" "Three-hundred and forty dollars and sixty-four cents." Mercedes told me as she took a receipt out of her pocket. I glared at Clyde as I reached into my pocket for my wallet, but didn't get the chance to take it out before I got a FaceTime call from Coon, who angrily told me, "Oh no you don't, Butthole! I know you used your Stick of Truth money last time! That is fucking cheating! Don't you DARE do it again!"

He hung up before I could say anything, and I growled in annoyance and asked Mercedes, "Fuck. Well, apparently I don't have that much money right now. Is there any other way we can work this out?" "No." She told me curtly, but a girl I recognized as Porsche walked up and remarked, "Hang on, Mercedes. There is ONE way."

Mercedes's eyes widened as she asked her coworker, "What? Porsche, you can't possibly be thinking of THAT?!" Porsche nodded with a knowing smirk on her face, and Mercedes got a thoughtful look on her face for a moment before she told me, "Alright New Kid, we can't just give you his card back. But we can give you a chance to win it back." "Fine. Let's just do it so that I can get out of here." I told her.

Mercedes nodded and told Porsche, "Alright, go get the special wrestling pit set up." "Wait, there's a special wrestling pit?" Clyde asked, and I stomped on his foot before following Mercedes into a back room. Clyde tried to follow us too, but one of the girls stopped him at the door and told him, "Sorry, cutie. Girls only."

I looked around in confusion once we were in the back room. The walls were painted orange and decorated like the rest of the restaurant, but there were no tables, and all of the pictures of the girls on the walls instead featured naked women that bore slight resemblance to them, presumably their mothers. There was a shallow circular pit in the approximate middle of the floor with cameras trained on it, and as I watched, Raisins girls were spreading baby oil on the floor of it. Mercedes told me, "Alright New Kid, this is the Raisins Dome. This is where you can try and get that jerk's card back."

"And what IS this exactly?" I asked her. "I'm glad you asked." Mercedes remarked, then explained, "One round. You versus the reigning champion. Whoever cums first, loses. You win, we give back his dad's card and forget about his tab. We win, you work as a Raisins girl until you pay it off." This shocked me, and I asked her, "Wait, cums?"

Mercedes nodded and told me, "Yup. You won't just be wrestling in there. In the Raisins Dome, sex is your best and only weapon." In shock, I gestured to the camera and asked her, "And… you film it?" Mercedes nodded and explained, "Uh-huh. And upload it to an app that's available only in South Park, and only for girls." I stared at her for a moment before asking, "And HOW is this legal?" "Because it's not illegal. At least not in South Park. Now are we doing this or not?" She asked me.

"You know that I have a girlfriend, right?" I asked them, and Mercedes shrugged and replied, "So? The whole town knows you're in an open relationship. Well, all the girls in town at least." I then looked to the pit for a moment before asking, "And I'm not going to get arrested or slut-shamed all around town?" Mercedes nodded and asked me impatiently, "Yes. Now are you doing it or not?" I sighed as I realized it was my only option, and told her, "Fine. But either way, you have to get the manager to put up a sign that says not to serve him." "Deal." Mercedes replied before we shook hands.

As Mercedes walked over to a shower room nearby, I asked her, "So, who's the reigning champion?" "Me." She replied, then told me, "Now get ready. You're in for the ride of your life." I quickly texted Bebe about what was about to happen and that she had a LOT of explaining to do the next time I saw her before I followed Mercedes into the showers so that we could both wash off and each use an enema before we fought. The second I set foot in the room however, I felt an extreme sense of vertigo, making me wince.

When I opened my eyes, I looked down to see that I had grown to about five and a half feet tall. I looked in the mirror to see an astonishing sight. I appeared to have aged, as I was now a busty beauty with an hourglass figure and a well-rounded rear end. I also looked like I belonged in a Japanese anime, and when I looked around, my surroundings were the same way. I got my wallet out in curiosity to see that it now had a driver's license that proclaimed me to be eighteen. 'Why does this always happen when I'm about to have sex?' I thought to myself. "Well, what are you waiting for? We've got to shower up before we fight." Mercedes told me, and I turned to her to see that she too was in anime format. I looked to myself in the mirror one last time and huffed before asking myself, 'Why couldn't this have happened earlier in the chapter?' I then joined Mercedes in the shower.

My makeup survived the shower somehow, and I made a note to check the paint I had used before we dried off and exited to take our places on either side of the ring while still nude, which the other girls had just finished setting up. They were also anime-fied, and the entire room looked like one gigantic Yaoi picture aside from the voluptuous women instead of men. One of the Raisins girls then came up to me and told me, "Here. Take this." As she handed me a pink pill. "What is it?" I asked cautiously, and she replied, "It's an aphrodisiac, to make sure you're primed and ready. Look, Mercedes is taking one too."

I looked to the other side of the pit to see that Mercedes was indeed taking her own pink pill, so I shrugged and popped mine in my mouth before swallowing, washing it down with the water they gave me. Almost instantly, it felt like a huge static shock had gone through my body, and I felt myself start to heat up and my pussy start to grow moist. 'Holy shit!' I thought to myself as I started to pant.

Suddenly, spotlights over the pit turned on and the cameras all started recording as one of the girls who I recognized as an older Lexus sat in an announcer's booth and said into a microphone, "All right all of you cuties and sweeties out there, it's time for another Raisins Dome sex match! We know it's not our usual time, but we've got a special treat for you today! We've got a surprise challenger in the ring! But first, let's take a look at her opponent!"

A spotlight then shined on anime-Mercedes as she made kiss faces at the camera and struck a sexy pose as Lexus continued, "With twenty-eight consecutive wins, it's the Queen of Cunt, the Duchess of Dykes, the Princess of Pussy, Mercedes!" Canned applause played throughout the room before the spotlight shifted over to me, and Lexus told the apparent audience, "And here's her challenger! Hailing from parts and pussies unknown, it's the New Kid! And she's just not fighting for fun, cuties! If she loses, she's our newest Raisins girl until she pays off her friend's tab!" More canned applause played as I awkwardly waved to the nearest camera. "Will she be able to beat our champ, or will she spend the next few months waiting tables? Let's find out! Kiss and make up you two, and let's get this party started!" Lexus exclaimed.

With that, Mercedes stepped into the ring with me following her lead. The two of us met in the middle before Mercedes hugged me and brought me in for a deep French kiss, surprising me before I closed my eyes and we made out for a few moments. Mercedes then separated herself from me and took her place on her side of the ring, and I followed her lead as Lexus told the audience, "All right, now let's go over the rules! No scratching, super powers, or permanent wounds, the first one to cum loses, and if you DO cum you have to shout it out loud so everyone can hear! And remember that the audience can vote to drop some toys in at any time, sweeties! Now that we've gotten that out of the way, let's get comfy and enjoy the show! Porsche, ring the bell!"

Older anime Porsche then rang a wrestling bell, and Mercedes immediately dove forwards on her stomach, sliding towards me and tackling my legs to knock me off my feet. The second I had hit the ground, the blonde girl dove her tongue into my pussy, making me gasp and moan as she began to expertly eat me out. "And Mercedes gets the first hit! Things aren't looking too good for the New Kid!" Lexus exclaimed. 'She's right. If I don't take control of this fast, I'm a goner.' I thought to myself as I squirmed from Mercedes' tongue in my snatch.

I quickly pulled myself together and tried to get out of Mercedes' grip, but her fingers wouldn't budge. Thinking fast, I reached over and plunged three fingers into Mercedes' ass, making her gasp and pause. I took the opportunity to wrench myself out of her grasp and pin her, wiggling my fingers inside her anus as I moved my other hand to finger her pussy. "And the New Kid turns the tables! She might just stand a chance here, cuties!" Lexus said.

I wasn't able to keep Mercedes down for long however, and she pushed me off of her after only a few moments. I slid backwards as she tried to grab me, and dove forward as she slipped and fell on her front. I landed on her back and pulled her legs upwards before burying my tongue into her ass as she moaned. "Ooh, and New Kid's going for the backdoor! Doesn't look like Mercedes has any objections though! Could the New Kid turn this fight around?" Lexus asked the audience.

Suddenly, a buzzer rang out throughout the room as a small green light on one of numerous hatches in the ceiling came on, and Lexus exclaimed as I continued to lick Mercedes' ass, "And it looks like the audience has voted to give our girls a toy! Let's see what you've picked out!" With that, a large butt plug dropped down into the pit and hit me in the head, making me pull up from my analingus with a grunt.

Mercedes took the opportunity to push me off again, and grabbed the butt plug before sliding over to where I was laying on all fours and jamming it into my ass. I gasped at the intrusion before Mercedes flipped a switch on the plug, and it started to vibrate violently before Mercedes flipped me onto my back, pinned my hips down, and started to eat me out again. "And it looks like you've voted for the Booty-Plugger XL! If the New Kid's reputation is anything to go on, she's in big trouble!" Lexus said.

It would seem that Lexus was right, as the plug vibrating in my ass felt better than it had any right to be, and I thought to myself, 'I guess having supersensitive anal muscles means having a supersensitive ass.' I kicked Mercedes in the face to get her off me before slipping a safe distance away and pulling on the butt plug to try to get it out of me.

It was too big to remove alone however, and Mercedes took the opportunity to tackle me again and start to scissor me. 'Dammit Bebe, why do you always make me be the submissive?' I thought to myself, cursing my girlfriend for always taking control of our sex sessions and never letting me be the dominant. "This could be it folks! The New Kid is on her last legs and-Oh! Looks like we've got another toy coming in!" Lexus said, interrupted in the middle of her sentence by another buzzing noise and green light.

Seeing that the hatch to open up was directly behind Mercedes, I kicked her hard to push her back just in time for the hatch to open and a large black dildo with numerous short rubber spikes on it to drop onto her head. The phallic device stunned my opponent for a moment, giving me time to scoop up the marital aid. I tackled Mercedes and shoved the spiky dildo into her cunt as Lexus announced, "And it looks like our audience feels like seeing a little blood with the Cunt Ripper! No objections here, right girls?"

I looked to Mercedes' cunt as I hammered it with the dildo to see that Lexus was right, as tiny droplets of blood were leaking out with her juices. I didn't pay it much mind however, as I had bigger problems at the moment. The plug in my ass was still buzzing away, and I knew at the rate we were going, I would cum before Mercedes did.

I flipped Mercedes onto her back and knelt down before grabbing one of her legs and yanking the Cunt Ripper out of her pussy, making her gasp with relief as a splatter of blood came with it. Her relief didn't last long as I shoved it into her ass instead, making her scream out. I immediately started pumping the spiked dildo into and out of her anus, making her cry out with pain and pleasure. "Ooh, that's GOTTA hurt! Mercedes may be in trouble here, cuties!" Lexus announced, and I decided to put the nail into the coffin as I positioned myself between her legs and started to scissor her, bucking our hips together and making Mercedes groan at the new source of pleasure.

She struggled to get a grip on the slippery floor as I rubbed my pussy into hers and hammered the aptly-named Cunt Ripper into her butt. I could feel myself nearing orgasm, but could also tell that Mercedes wasn't far behind me as she gasped and groaned. My eyelids fluttered as I felt my cunt start to contract, and I feared I would lose for a moment before Mercedes seized up and yelled, "Ah, ah, AAAAAAAHHHH! I-I'M CUMMINNNNNNNGGG!"

I felt Mercedes' juices splashing against my pussy as she screamed out her pleasure, and the bell rang again out as Lexus exclaimed, "And that's it! In a stunning upset, the New Kid has beaten Mercedes at her own game! This match is over! Oh, but it doesn't look like she is!" Lexus was right, as I didn't stop with the bell, continuing to grind our pussies together and pump the now-bloody dildo in and out of Mercedes' ass until my body tensed up and I was sent spiraling into the throes of orgasm, my mouth opening to scream my pleasure to the room along with my opponent. I collapsed on top of her as I started to come down, twitching and trembling as the butt plug in my ass prolonged my orgasm.

As I fell on top of her, Mercedes pulled me in for another French kiss, and I moaned as I returned it, kissing her lovingly as we hugged each other as close as we could. The spotlights shut off and the cameras stopped rolling as we made out and the other Raisins girls pulled the Booty-Plugger and Cunt Ripper from our respective asses. We continued to kiss for a few minutes before Mercedes pulled us apart and took a few deep breaths before telling me, "H-Holy fuck. I never thought I'd be beaten in the ring but you… you're something else."

I panted without saying a word as we picked ourselves up and got out of the ring to shower again. While we were washing off, I saw little drops of blood drip from Mercedes' pussy and ass, and asked her with concern in my hoarse voice, "Are you gonna be okay?" Mercedes smiled to me reassuringly and told me, "Don't worry about me, cutie, this isn't the first time I've been on the receiving end of the Cunt Ripper. I'll be fine."

We finished our showers in silence after that, and once we had gotten redressed, the world returned to normal with a wave of vertigo. 'Okay, I'm seriously gonna need to talk to Bebe about that at some point.' I thought to myself. I had never considered why all of the girls turned into adults and the world looked like an anime when we had sex, but I needed some answers. Mercedes and I walked back out into the Raisins Dome and she told me, "Alright, a deal's a deal, so Clyde's off the hook and I'll talk to the boss about a sign. And here," She told me as she handed me a credit card from her pocket, "Go ahead and give it back to that creep if you want. And feel free to come back for round two at any time."

She saucily smiled at me with the second sentence, and I blushed and awkwardly told her, "Yeah, I might not be back here. Like, ever." Mercedes shrugged and told me, "Well, either way, we're cool. See you around, cutie." She then went back into the main area of the restaurant, smacking me on the ass as she left. I followed her with a blush and confirmed that my makeup was waterproof before meeting Clyde outside the restaurant, not stopping as I tossed him his dad's card and told him, "Here. Now stay away from this place."

He caught up to me however, and asked as we walked, "W-Wait, what… happened in there?" I stopped at this point, and looked to him before telling him, "Sorry, girls only." I then walked off as he shrugged and ran off to put his dad's card back where it belongs.

I made sure he was gone before sighing, taking a moment to collect myself as I thought, 'Jesus Christ, what the fuck is up with this town?' I then saw that I had gotten some scrap, change, a Raisins outfit, and Mosquito's character sheet from my pseudo-battle with Mercedes, which made me wonder if it was an actual part of the game. I then noticed that I had ranked up to Hero Rank Six at some point, which apparently gave me an Epic Artifact Slot. I equipped the one I had gotten automatically, which of course was a gold fidget spinner, before I checked my missions.

I saw that I was right by Crunchy's Microbrew, so I decided to head there first. I reached the bar quickly, but before I could go inside, I got a FaceTime call from Super Craig, who told me, "There's the microbrewery. You'll find someone inside who can assist you with Race. Good luck. Super Craig, out!" He used his dramatic flair with his name again before he hung up, and I shrugged as I went inside the microbrewery.

When I walked inside, I saw PC Principal telling some guy holding a beer, "And now you've got a problem with ME! I'm not just gonna sit here and do nothing while you insult this man's ethnicity." 'Of course it would be him.' I thought to myself as he pointed to a Hispanic guy on his other side. "I wasn't insulting him." The man PC Principal was berating replied calmly.

PC Principal then took off his sunglasses and pointed out, "Excuse me, did you or did you not say that this man seemed tired?!" He gestured to the Hispanic guy again and the first replied, "Yes! He's my friend. I said, 'Paolo you look tired.'" "MICROAGGRESSION!" PC Principal roared, and started beating up Paolo's friend before telling the room, "Persons of Hispanic backgrounds have been stereotyped as being 'sleepy', and saying they look tired is a microaggression that WILL NOT STAND."

"But I am tired." Paolo told him, and PC Principal beat him up too, knocking him to the ground. Suddenly, he put his sunglasses back on and whirled around to face me, telling me, "You. You're the New Kid, right? I'm the principal of your school. My name is PC Principal. I was told you wanted to talk to me about some race issues. OK, come at me."

He then took on a fighting stance, and told me, "Come on. You wanna learn about race, right? Gimme your best shot." I shrugged and took on my own fighting stance before PC Principal asked, "It's a nice day, isn't it?" I did nothing as the question didn't mention any kind of race, ethnicity, or gender, and PC Principal told me, "Hm yes, very good. That was indeed not a microaggression. All right, round two."

He then waited a moment before stating, "I ate a hamburger last week." I did nothing again and PC Principal told me, "All right, that was also NOT a microaggression. This time I will use a microaggression and you'll see how it gives you a free shot." He then took out a microphone and announced to the room, "All right everybody, listen up. I'm about to use a microaggression, but it's only for the use of training this young person in the ways of the social justice warrior. Thank you, microaggression about to happen, thank you."

He then put his microphone away and took on a combat stance again before telling me, "My friend Brian looks like a chick." I would have recognized the microaggression even without the announcement, but regardless I slugged him in the shin, making PC Principal stagger for a moment before he told me, "Not bad, kid… Not bad at all. Not only is the word 'chick' derogatory to females, but also criticizing a male for looking feminine is a microaggression towards person of transgender. Now let's see if you can spot a microaggression that's more subtle."

PC Principal then paused for a moment before he told me, "My pants are warm… My pants… are warm." 'Then maybe you've had enough to drink.' I joked to myself, but didn't hit him. "That coffee belongs to Tim Sherman." He said, and I still didn't hit PC Principal. "I heard it's going to rain." He stated, and I was just wondering when exactly he would use his second microaggression before he told me, "Janet likes to roller skate."

Once again, I did nothing and waited for his next sentence. I wouldn't have to wait for long however, as he said, "Mr. Yamashiro is actually a very good driver." 'Finally!' I thought to myself as I hit PC Principal in the shin again, once more making him stagger. "Nice, kid. Very nice, indeed. Using the term 'actually' inferred that maybe other Asian Americans are not good drivers. And the use of Mr. is offensive to persons of third gender. Now before we talk about YOUR Race, I need you to get out there and do some PC work for me. I'll let you know when I think you're ready." He told me, and I sighed as I got some change and a license that would let me hit enemies who used microaggressions in combat.

I took selfies with Wendy's dad and the bartender before I left the microbrewery. I took another look at my missions and decided to thin them out a bit, so I set off to get Al's cats and put up Mr. Adams' headshots. I got a cat by the church and got a suggestion that the next one is probably in the forest from Al over Coonstagram before I went down to go to the Community Center, and once inside I moved a stepladder to put a headshot up on the bulletin board.

I saw that the next place he wanted me to put up a headshot was the coffee shop, so I got a Yaoi picture from the men's room and went up onto the roof to loot a chest, which just contained a new costume set. With that done, I went down to Tweak's Coffee, getting another cat by Bebe's house on the way. I put up Adams' headshot on the front counter and then went down to Jimbo and Ned's to post another, then equipped my Dreidel of Vengeance as I had just noticed that I had ranked up again.

I then went down to post another headshot at the Peppermint Hippo, where I put him up on the stripper Hall of Fame. I put up another one by the school and got a Yaoi picture before I went to put the last one up at Stark's Pond, but it was blocked by lava, so I decided to focus on Al's cats until I could find a way to clear it. I got another vial of cheese and a Yaoi picture from the area around the bulletin board before I got Ned's PO Box key from one of his old fishing spots.

I then activated the Fast Travel point by Stark's Pond and beat up some Sixth Graders who had barricaded the entrance to the public bathrooms by the school. One of them used a microaggression during the fight, which let me hit him and knock him out since I had already damaged him by blowing up their campfire. I had Scott tip over the water fountain so that I could get through more easily in the future and Fast Traveled down to Main Street. I activated the Fast Travel point by Tweak's Coffee before I went down to the U-Stor-It. Unfortunately, the way I needed to go was blocked by a truck, so I turned down onto Al's street and beat up some more sixth graders before activating the Fast Travel point there.

One of them used another microaggression, which let me hit him and severely damage his health. I then went to Al's and dropped off the cats I had with me, then got a Yaoi picture and a dildo Artifact before I left. Since where I was pretty sure where Al's next cat was hiding was blocked by a truck, I had no leads and thus decided to see Mr. Mackey after some deliberation.

I went down to Main Street and Fast Traveled to the school, but when I got inside I saw that a sixth grader had electrified a big puddle, so I shot down a speaker to knock him out and used TimeFart Pause to turn off the electricity before going into Mackey's office. When he saw me come in, Mr. Mackey told me as he sat down in the chair he had been in during our first talk, "Oh, great, New Kid, thanks for coming, have a seat."

I sat down in the other chair and Mr. Mackey nervously explained to me, "Now, I got some… feedback from the principal that our discussion about sex… I mean, about gender wasn't precise enough. And uh… Well… He gave me some guidelines on how to do a more thorough pass on helping you identify your gender…mkay." 'So basically PC Principal yelled at you and so now I have to do this all over again.' I thought to myself before Mackey asked, "'Is the gender that you were assigned with at birth the gender that you currently identify with?' Mkay."

"Yes, Mr. Mackey, I'm still a girl and still identify as one." I told him with exasperation, then coughed a bit as my throat was still sore. "Oh! Mmkay, great! So, as you know, that means you're 'cisgendered'. Mmkay, great. Now the next thing I want to talk to you about with your gender is your sexuality. Now a lot of people think that gender and sexuality are the same, but no that's bad! It's wrong, mkay." Mackey explained.

"Now how would you describe the sex of the kinds of people that you find yourself… uhm… sexually attracted to?" Mr. Mackey asked me awkwardly. "Girls." I told him simply, and he nodded and said, "Mkay, mkay. Are you… Are you sure?" I sighed and told him, "I have a girlfriend Mr. Mackey, I'm pretty sure I'm gay."

"O-oh, okay. So you're a homosexual. That's great, New Kid. I'm sure you can find another little girl who would be happy to be a lesbian with you." Mackey told me, and I face-palmed and told him, "I already have, Mr. Mackey. I JUST told you that I have a girlfriend." His shoulders fell and he said, "I know, but… I gotta stick to the script PC Principal gave me or else he'll beat me up again… mkay."

I then got an alert on my phone that told me my character sheet had been updated to show me as a Homosexual Cisgendered Girl, and Mr. Mackey told me, "Well, I'm really glad we had this talk, New Kid. Mkay. Just… Just be careful, mkay. 'Cause there's – There's a lot of people out there who don't accept you for what you are and you're going to have to deal with them, mkay. So, hmm… But, come see me anytime!" Seeing that our conversation was done, I hopped down from the chair and exited the school.

When I left however, the group of rednecks that had ambushed me the first time rolled up again, and one of them in the bed said, "Hey. It's that girl!" 'Should've seen this coming.' I thought to myself as the one driving exclaimed, "Yeah, they're Cisgendered!" "And they're Homosexual, too!" The third one said, and they all got out of the truck as the one in the plaid vest told me, "We don't take kindly to your types around here." "Let's welcome this THING to our town." The fat one told the others.

And with that, I had to beat them up again. The battle started with Captain Diabetes, Human Kite, and Super Craig coming in to help me, and one of the rednecks had the first turn. He would have hit me with a beer bottle, but I used Pause to stop time and hit all of them once. Unfortunately, one of them threw a beer and confused Captain Diabetes and Human Kite. I then used Sand Trap to hit all of them at once before Captain Diabetes hit Human Kite, thankfully snapping him out of his Confusion.

Kite used Laser Burn to defeat one of the rednecks, and Super Craig used Omega Crash Extra to hit one of them and knock him back. The third then threw a beer can at Captain Diabetes, not penetrating the Protection he had gained with his last attack. I used Heat Wave to defeat him before the final redneck skipped his turn and Captain Diabetes hit Human Kite again, who gave Super Craig some Protection.

Super Craig then used Mega Fist Punch to defeat the final redneck, and I gained some change and a DNA Artifact before I left. I then got a FaceTime call from Coon, who told me, "ButtLord, I have to say, I'm mildly impressed with the progress you're making. Come back to the Coon Lair… I've got a little surprise for you. Coon out."

He then hung up, and since I had nothing better to do I Fast Traveled back to Cartman's house. When I went down into the basement, I saw Coon telling the other Coon Friends, "No, no, no! We can't do the Super Craig movie before the Human Kite Netflix series, guys. That doesn't make any sense." "Well, what about introducing Super Craig in the second Coon and Friends movie?" Fastpass suggested. "That'd be pretty DC Comics of us… I wouldn't recommend it." Coon replied.

Coon then noticed me coming in, and told me/asked his teammates, "Ah, ButtLord! Please have a seat. Sorry guys, can I have a moment alone with ButtLord, please?" "Sure thing, come on, Fastpass!" Mosquito replied as the three of them left. "Right behind ya, Mosquito." Fastpass told him before zooming off to leave the room. Once they had all left, I sat down in the seat opposite Coon.

"ButtLord… I just wanted to let you know that we've decided… to let you have your own Netflix series right after the Fastpass Fox miniseries and the third Coon and Friends United movie. Congratulations." He told me, and I thought to myself, 'Do they seriously think they'll be able to make a superhero franchise without getting their butts sued off?'

He then awkwardly told me, "OK, well, get out there and finish your goals. Just… wanted to tell you the exciting news." Before I could move to get out of my seat however, Coon said to me, "What do you want, New Kid? I already let you dual class, there's nothing left to talk about." Without giving me a chance to respond, he said, "Oh no. No, no, no, no, you are NOT going to have THREE CLASSES. New Kid-New Kid, no, do not give me those sad puppy eyes. Nobody gets to be three classes and it-" He paused for a moment, but before I could say anything, he exclaimed, "You think that just because you had to live through your dad fucking your mom you should get all the sympathy in the world, don't ya?" He seemed to catch himself with that, and apologized by saying, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to bring that up. All right, all right, fine. If you WERE going to add another class, what would it be?"

He then held up his iPad and showed me the class list with two new classes, Assassin and Gadgeteer. Since I didn't feel comfortable with being called an Assassin, I decided to choose Gadgeteer. Once I had made my selection, Coon put away his iPad and told me, "OK, but if you're going to be triple class then we have to change your backstory. It is pretty dumb. Let's go back in time again… Back to when you were just a child…"

He then took out another comic of me fighting home invaders with my new powers, this time with an alien. Once he had finished the story of six-year old me defeating the intruders with homemade weapons, he narrated, "The alien took you by the hand and led you into a dark room. And that's… when you saw that your dad had just fucked your mom."

Coon put his comic away as he muttered, "Whoa… boy, that is… pretty tragic, New Kid, I am so sorry." 'Okay, what the fuck is going on?' I thought to myself as the strongest feeling of déjà vu I had ever felt came over me as Coon narrated his story. 'Did… did that really happen? Or at least something like it?' I thought as Coon pondered, "Were the aliens helping you by showing you who fucked your mom, or… were they trying to make you full of rage? You might never know."

He then got up from his chair and told me, "All right, get back out there, ButtLord. You still have a lot of things to do." I got down from my own chair, and paused as I noticed something strange. All around me, I could see the possibilities in the junk and scrap Coon had lying around, how they could all be modified and improved into weapons and gadgets. 'Must be part of being a Gadgeteer.' I thought to myself, then sold the leftover Artifacts I had at the Coon Store and replaced Heat Wave with Gigavolt Globe before I left the house.

Suddenly, I got a FaceTime call from Fastpass, who told me, "New Kid, this is Fastpass. Get to the playground. One of the Freedom Pals is calling us out!" He then hung up before I could reply, and I sighed before thinking to myself, 'If they're just going to tell me shit and not let me say anything, they might as well just send a text.'

Since I had no other missions that I could complete at this time, I decided to head over there, but before I could start walking, I got a FaceTime call from Mom. She was sober for a change and told me, "Dova, don't forget that you're getting your braces put on today. The dentist is waiting for you, just head on over whenever you're ready."

She hung up with that, and I groaned as I thought to myself, 'God fucking dammit. I completely forgot about that.' I had never had a proper dentist visit before I came to South Park since we were constantly moving, and at the one I went to after the Stick of Truth game, I was told that I would need braces on my top and bottom teeth. It became an official mission in my list once Mom hung up, so I decided to get it over with before I went to the playground. I texted the other Coon Friends about it and made my way over to the dentist's office, which was across the street from the construction site on the other side of Tom's Rhinoplasty.

I looked up at the building, which was painted blue and featured the words "Tom's Dentistry" along with a tooth with a face on it on a light blue sign. I sighed and reluctantly entered the building, hoping to get it over with quickly. When I went up to the front desk, the receptionist asked me, "Hello there… Dovahkiin. Just head on in, the dentist will be right with you." With that, I went through the door to the back office, where the dentist, who I recognized as Dr. Gouache, was waiting.

He was looking around the office as I watched, and when he noticed me, he told me, "Ah, hello there. You're the New Kid, right? I'm afraid I can't put your braces on right now, somebody has stolen both my entire stocks of Nitrous Oxide and Novocain. This was left in its place." He handed me a mask made out of tinfoil, and I was puzzled for a moment until I got a FaceTime call from Professor Chaos, who cackled and told me, "That's right, New Kid, it is I, Professor Chaos! I have stolen the entire town's supply of dental painkillers! Now kids will be forced to get fillings and cleanings with no dulling whatsoever! Riots will run through the street! Chaos will reign! And I will rule all!"

Professor Chaos laughed maniacally as he finished his rant, but was cut off as Linda Stotch called out, "Butters! It's time to go to the dentist's for your filling!" Butters paused and muttered, "Oh hamburgers. Uh, okay Dova, I'm gonna need your help for a little bit." I gave him my second best 'Really?' look, prompting him to tell me, "Ah come on, Dova! Please? You would've done it anyway!"

I sighed and nodded to him, silently agreeing. "Ah thanks, Dova! Okay, it's stashed in the public bathroom near the school! Hurry! I don't know how long I can stall my parents!" Butters told me, and I left the office and Fast Traveled down to the school, going into the public bathroom to see a bunch of Chaos Minions. They all looked a little woozy, and I saw that a canister of Nitrous was cracked and leaking. I then used a Snap N Pop to ignite it and damage some of the minions.

I then hit one of them to start a battle and Human Kite, Super Craig, and Captain Diabetes came in to help. There were four Minions in total, two of which had Burning and all of which had Protection equal to about a quarter of their Health. I moved into range and used Triple Burn to deplete the Protection of one that didn't have Burning, and he threw some CDs at me in response.

Super Craig then used Omega Crash Extra to damage a Burning Minion, destroying his Protection and knocking him back into his ally, who woozily yelled, "I feel no pain!" He then threw a handful of lava at the poorly-costumed boy. Another Burning Minion then moved forward a few spaces before igniting some bottle rockets strapped to his chest, setting them to explode on his next turn. Human Kite then moved out of his range and used Laser Burn to destroy his Protection and deal a small amount of damage.

The last Minion then threw some CDs at Captain Diabetes, who zoomed forward to hit him with Sugar Rush in order to damage him and get some Protection of his own. My turn rolled around again, and I used Gigavolt Globe to defeat two of the Minions, one of which was the one who had bottle rockets strapped to him, prompting the explosives to detonate prematurely and knock out a third Minion. The last one then threw some CDs at Human Kite before Super Craig knocked him out with Mega Palm Punch, ending the battle and giving me some scrap and change.

Once the battle was over, I grabbed the box of Novocain and the remaining canisters of Nitrous, the others helping me carry them back to the dentist. Once I got there, I saw Butters and his mom standing in the lobby along with the doctor. Butters was fake gagging, and once he saw me come in, he exclaimed, "Dova!" "Ah, you got our painkillers back! All right, let's get the both of you fixed up." Dr. Gouache said. He then took the boxes and canisters from me and with the help of a few assistants, he brought them back into the offices.

Butters and his mom disappeared into an office before I could ask him about Professor Chaos, and Doctor Gouache told me, "Alright, now that we've gotten everything sorted out, we can get that mouth metaled up. Right through here." He then went into the office I had originally found him in, and I shrugged and followed him.

He then cleaned my teeth thoroughly before putting the braces on, me choosing alternating purple and blue as a reference to my dragoness form in the last game for the colors. It didn't require any Novocain or Nitrous, making me wonder why he couldn't do it before, but it was still a bit uncomfortable. Once it was done, he adjusted them and told me, "Okay, say 'The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog." "Teh kwik brahn fahx jumpsh ovah teh lazshy dahg." I lisped out, and Doctor Gouache adjusted the tightness on my braces again and told me, "Okay, try it now." "The quick brown foxsh jumpsh over the lazshy dog." I said, a bit clearer this time. He adjusted them one more time and said, "Okay, again." "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog." I said, finally able to speak clearly.

Doctor Gouache nodded and told me, "There we are. You should be good to go." I then got out of the chair and took a look at my braces with the camera in my phone. It wasn't too noticeable except when I spoke, but I decided to get the ribbing out of the way regardless and took a selfie with my teeth bared to show them, posting it on Coonstagram with the caption, "Alright everyone, get all your jokes out now."

Almost instantly, Coon commented on it, "What the fuck, New Kid?! You couldn't have gotten them BEFORE we started playing?! You would've had a way better superhero persona!" Shelly Marsh then commented, "If anyone makes fun of her, they're going to the hospital. I've got your back, New Kid. #bracefacesunite." I smiled at that and left the building, seeing that I had completed my mission before I set off for the playground.

I passed through Main Street as went, running my tongue over my new braces to try and get used to them as I walked. When I got to the playground, I saw Human Kite, Coon, and Fastpass waiting for me on the basketball court. "You're sure one of the Freedom Pals wants to meet with us?" Coon asked Fastpass as I approached.

"Yeah, his text said it was very urgent." The Speedster replied, and Coon wondered out loud, "Yeah but… why would the Freedom Pals want to talk to US?" "Unless… This is some kind of trap." Human Kite pointed out. Suddenly, Stan wearing a superhero costume jumped out from behind a tree and told us, "Relax, Coon Friends. I didn't come to fight." He was wearing transparent yellow safety goggles, a white shirt with a black and red T symbol on it, blue pants, black gloves, a car battery on his back, and a belt with various tools on it, and was holding a power drill.

Coon walked forward a few steps and took on a superhero pose as he told him, "Hello, Toolshed. Long time no see." "Toolshed is a Gadgeteer class visionary archetype." Kite explained to me. "AND a buttfucking traitor." Coon added.

"Just listen to me. I understand that the New Kid helped take my dad's keys last night. New Kid, I don't know why you were looking out for my dad, but… I owe you one. That's all I came to say. You might be in the wrong franchise, but if you ever need help I'll return the favor." Toolshed told me. Coon laughed and told the Gadgeteer, "You think the New Kid fucking cares about you? You belong to a loser, zero-income franchise that's run by a douchebag in a wheelchair!"

"At least he's not a fat little phone stealer." I heard echo throughout my mind, and turned to see Timmy roll into the playground with his finger to his temple. "Oh, not him again." Coon muttered as Timmy exclaimed, "Timmy!"

Mysterion and Tupperware then came up on either side of Timmy, and Mysterion asked Coon, "You call us losers when the only way you can get a lead is to STEAL IT?! Where is Doctor Timothy's Phone?!" 'Seriously, who is this kid?' I asked myself as I looked to the hooded hero. "Sorry, Freedom Pussies, that information is classified." Fastpass told him, and Coon chuckled at the Speedster's insult.

"You guys need to stop investigating the Chamber of Commerce and leave it to the professional superheroes." Mysterion told us, and I thought to myself, 'Wait, Chamber of Commerce? What else have they been investigating?' "Oh, yeah, you guys are the professional superheroes." Coon told him sarcastically before smugly telling them, "It just so happens, Mysterion, that we already have a connection with Netflix."

'Do we?' I asked myself, and it would Tupperware had his doubts as well as he retorted, "No, you don't." "Yes we do. We're just about to get the Human Kite Netflix series off the ground, so…" Coon trailed off as Timmy wheeled forward and put his hand on his temple. "N- Timmy. No. No! Stop it-" Coon said nervously.

Timmy had no such interest however, and continued to focus on the fat boy as Coon told us while clutching his head, "STOP – STOP - STOP IT TIMMY! HE'S TRYING TO RAPE MY MIND! AGH! AGGHHH!" "They don't have a connection at Netflix." Timmy told all of us before taking his finger off his temple.

"Freedom Pals just raped my mind you guys! Let's get these pedophiles!" Coon told us, and Fastpass exclaimed, "COON AND FRIENDS, ASSEMBLE!" "FREEDOM PALS UNITE!" Toolshed exclaimed as he walked over to stand by his allies. "CIVIL WAR TWO, IT'S GOING DOWN!" Coon yelled.

At that, a battle started and we took our places in a combat grid. "You're outmatched. Give up before you embarrass yourselves." Mysterion told us. In response, Fastpass used Blind Side to damage Timmy and force him forward one space. The wheelchair-bound boy then put his finger to his head and teleported, moving next to Mysterion before Coon moved forward and skipped his turn, out of range of all of our enemies. Unfortunately, I was out of range too, so I moved forward and skipped my turn as well.

It was Toolshed's turn now, and he threw screwdrivers on either side of him, forcing the Coon back and dealing some damage. "Nail, meet hammer." Timmy mentally remarked, and Human Kite moved forward to stand next to me before giving me Protection with his Kite Shield. Timmy's turn came up and he tried to summon a bunch of kindergarteners to fight for him, but thankfully I skipped his turn just in time. "Fighting Doctor Timothy is a mistake beyond your comprehension." Mysterion told me, and recognizing it as a microaggression, I went up to him and hit him in the chest, which strangely felt a lot softer than I thought it would.

Mysterion then used his Dead Rush to force Human Kite closer to us, and Tupperware used Tupper Tornado to knock him back towards the mystery-themed hero. Fastpass then used Hit and Run to damage Timmy again, and the boy teleported across the grid in response. Coon then used Coon Lunge to damage Toolshed, and I followed it up with Triple Burn to reduce his Health to almost nothing and give him Burning.

The Gadgeteer used a set of glowing yellow drills that sprung out of the ground in a diagonal pattern to hit Fastpass in response, but was defeated from his status effect immediately afterward. Human Kite then used Laser Burn to take out a chunk of Mysterion's Health, and Timmy summoned kindergarteners again, successfully this time. I glared at him before rushing over to a nearby picnic table and dismantling it, using the expertise my Gadgeteer class had given me along with some scrap from my necklace to construct a cage around the tiny tikes.

Once they were all contained, I told the boy with my usual soft tone of voice, "You may have the ability to control minds, but that that does NOT give you the right to. I don't care about the game, if I see that again, I'm going to put a stop to it, and to you." Timmy blinked in shock at my soft outburst, and everyone stood there shocked for a moment before Mysterion used his four-punch combo to damage Human Kite.

Tupperware then used Tupper Tornado to damage Fastpass, and the guys started to get back into the swing of the battle as Fastpass used Blind Side to damage him and turn invisible. Coon then moved towards Timmy and skipped his turn since he was out of range of any of our opponents, and I used Sand Trap to defeat Mysterion.

Human Kite moved forward a bit before using his Ultimate attack to defeat Timmy, and Fastpass used Hit and Run to damage Tupperware. Coon moved towards our only remaining enemy and skipped his turn, and I followed suit before Human Kite moved into range and used Laser Burn to damage him. I skipped Tupperware's turn to prevent him from damaging Fastpass, who then used Hit and Run to finish the battle.

I got a DNA Artifact, some change, and a new costume set from the battle as the Freedom Pals picked themselves up and walked off, Coon taunting them, "OH YEAH! OH YEAH! THAT IS TWICE WE KICKED YOUR ASSES!" I rolled my eyes and took apart my makeshift cage, releasing the confused kindergartners and getting my scrap back before rebuilding the table.

As he walked off, Toolshed told my teammates, "You guys are NOTHING without the New Kid, and you know it." He then looked to me and said, "New Kid, my offer stands. I still owe you one. And if you ever want to be a part of a REAL franchise, just call me." I nodded to the raven-haired boy with a grateful smile on my face before he walked off and Coon called after him, "Yeah right! YOU guys are DC Comics! WE'RE Marvel!"

"Fuckin' assholes. You guys need Zack Snyder to drag your fuckin' asses…" Coon muttered as all the others left. Suddenly, I got a FaceTime call from PC Principal, who told me, "HEY! That was some pretty good PC policework kid! Way to take advantage of those motherfucker's microaggressions. Come back to the brew pub. I think we can discuss your race and ethnicity now."

He then hung up, and I shrugged as I thought, 'Well, at least I can finally get this part of my character sheet filled out.' I then went back onto Main Street and Fast Traveled down to the Buca de Faggoncini, going from there to Crunchy's Microbrew.

When I walked inside the bar, I saw PC Principal sitting at the bar. As I approached, he took a sip of his beer and told me, "You have potential, kid. I'm glad to have you in town. Now let's discuss YOUR race and ethnicity." I sat down on the stool next to him and told him, "Well, I'm pretty sure I'm white, and my parents won't tell me anything about where our family comes from but my birth certificate says I was born in the U.S., so I guess I'm White American." PC Principal nodded and told me, "Alright then, I'll mark your character sheet as White American. Just let me know if you get any new information." I then got an alert on my phone that said that he had updated my character sheet to show me as a White American.

With that, I left the brewery after taking a selfie with him, and looked on my phone to see that I had another new Artifact Slot. 'I should really check that more often.' I thought to myself as I crafted a Skull of Sundering and placed it into my new Minor Slot. Immediately afterwards, I got a FaceTime call from the Coon, who told me, "Attention all Coon Friends! We have the information we need and are ready for our next mission! Everyone report to the Coon Lair IMMEDIATELY! COON OUT!"

He then hung up, and I shrugged as I set off for Cartman's house, using the Fast Travel Station at Buca de Fagoncinni to skip the walk. When I got to the basement, I found all of the Coon friends sitting around the big table, and took my place as Coon told me, "There you are! Jesus, it took you long enough! Have a seat, ButtLord."

I sat down at my place on the end of the table and Coon told us all, "Alright everyone. ButtLord interrogated Classi and found out our next lead is at the U-Stor-It, here in town. We need to infiltrate it TONIGHT." 'Not another night mission.' I thought to myself with despair. I wasn't heard however, and Mosquito told the fat boy, "It can't be done."

"Why not, Mosquito?" Coon asked in reply, and Mosquito explained to him, "Because the U-Stor-It entrance is all lava." "The whole thing is fuckin' lava?! SHIT! There has to be a way to get past it." Coon muttered. Everybody sat in silence for a moment before Human Kite pointed out, "There is… Toolshed."

"Toolshed?! What's that donkey-fucker have to do with anything?" Coon asked. "Toolshed has a device that clears lava, remember? It's one of his super powers." Human Kite responded. "Hey… And Toolshed said that he owes the New Kid a favor!" Fastpass pointed out before everyone's eyes turned to me. "Well, looks like you're gonna come in handy again, ButtLord." Coon told me, and turned to Super Craig and told him, "Super Craig, write an anonymous email to Toolshed. Tell him the New Kid is ready to have his favor returned."

He then told the group, "Everyone else, go home and get in bed. We meet at the U-Stor-It tonight." "TO BED EVERYBODY!" Mosquito exclaimed as everybody left to go home. "COON FRIENDS ARE ON THE CASE!" Fastpass said as he left. "Go on home, ButtLord. If all goes according to plan, Toolshed will meet up with you later. Just be careful. Toolshed is a two-faced backstabbing butt-sniffer." Coon warned me. 'Man, he REALLY doesn't like Stan.' I thought to myself.

I then got out of my chair and spun around to change into my normal clothes, wiping my makeup off once I was done. With that, I left Cartman's house and went down the street towards mine. I wasn't going home just yet, however. I had something I needed to talk about with Mr. and Mrs. Stotch, and Butters if I could.

I knocked on Butters' front door, and after a moment, Stephen Stotch opened it and greeted me with, "Oh, hello there Dova. Uh, Butters isn't here right now." I sighed and asked him, "I figured as much. Can I come in anyway? I'd like to ask you and Mrs. Stotch some questions." Stephen shrugged and told me, "Well, alright I guess. Come on in."

He then moved out of the way to let me through the door and called Linda Stotch down to the living room. While she came down from the second floor, Stephen asked me, "Do you want something to drink? Water, some tea?" I shook my head no as Linda went to the kitchen to make some tea and told him, "No thanks, this'll just take a second."

Once we were all seated and Linda had a cup of tea, Linda asked me, "So Dova, what did you want to ask us?" I took a deep breath before I asked the two, "What do you guys know about… Professor Chaos?" It was like I had thrown a switch with my words, as Stephen jumped and got a horrified look on his face and Linda did a spit-take. With a fearful tone, Stephen asked me, "Professor Chaos?! Well… Well he's just one of Butters' games. Why-Why do you ask?"

I paused for a moment before telling them, "The guys and I are playing a game right now. A real one. And Professor Chaos is our biggest villain at the moment. If you know anything about why Butters would be acting the way he is, please, tell me." "There's nothing to tell!" Stephen exclaimed, and hastily told me, "Professor Chaos is nothing more than a costume! Thank you, goodbye!" He got up to shoo me out the door, but I told him simply, "I know Butters is an energy manipulator."

Stephen fell back into his seat in shock, and Linda had a strangely calm expression as she looked down at her cup of tea and remarked, "Well, it was bound to get out eventually." I looked to them both as I said, "If Professor Chaos was really just part of a game, you two wouldn't be about to piss yourselves right now. Please, if Butters is in trouble, I want to help."

The two exchanged a glance before Stephen told me, "Alright, we'll tell you." He then explained, "Last year, Butters was falsely diagnosed with multiple personality disorder by Mr. Kim. When we found out he was a fraud and that Butters was just playing a game, we thought it was over. But a week after that… Butters blew up the kitchen. We grounded him, but… he didn't remember what he did afterward. These sorts of things started happening a lot, so we had him checked out by a real psychiatrist and found out that Butters really DOES have multiple personalities. Well, one personality at least."

"Professor Chaos." I muttered, and Stephen nodded before Linda told me, "We think that Chaos was biding his time, staying hidden until he could take control of Butters for good and wreak havoc world-wide. After Mr. Kim's diagnosis, he must have thought the jig was up, and just started destroying what he could when he could." Stephen then cut in and told me, "He's pure evil. Everything he does, every breath he takes, is to cause mayhem and harm. The only thing that can control him… is Butters."

"Butters?" I asked, and Stephen responded, "Yes. You see, the fear that Butters feels when he's grounded weakens Chaos. It lets Butters take over and keep Chaos dormant." Linda told me, "We had been keeping Chaos at bay by grounding Butters, and it was working, but…" She trailed off as she stared at her tea, and I muttered, "I made you stop."

When the Stick of Truth game had ended and things started to normalize around South Park, I had made Stephen and Linda stop grounding Butters for stupid shit all the time. "This is all my fault." I said in shock. "You got that right." Steven stated, and Linda sternly told him, "Stephen! She couldn't have known what could happen." She then turned to me and told me, "Now listen, that kind of thinking isn't going to help Butters. If you really want to help him… then you have to get rid of Chaos. He's too powerful for Butters to control now, but if anyone can do it, then you can." I nodded with determination, and told them, "Yeah, yeah I think you're right. Thanks Mr. and Mrs. Stotch."

I got out of the chair and went to leave, but Stephen got up and roared at me, "There's no stopping him, don't you get it?! Chaos isn't going to stop until there's nothing left! He's not Butters! He'll kill you!" I turned back to him and told him, "Don't worry about me, Mr. Stotch. Butters isn't the only energy user in town." I then walked out the door, using a pink energy hand to grasp the doorknob and pull it closed for emphasis.

Once I had left Butters' house, I took out some paper and a pencil and sketched some instructions on it and then made a call. Once the person I was trying to reach picked up, I told them, "Hey, it's me. Listen, I need a favor." The person on the other end talked for a moment, and I asked them, "Yes. Listen, I need you to go to the U-Stor-It tonight after dark and follow the instructions I'm about to send you. Can you do that?" Hearing the person I had called give an affirmative, I nodded and told them, "Great. See you tonight."

I then hung up and took a picture of the instructions I had written down, then sent them to the person I had just called. Once that was done, I took a deep breath and went to my house, getting myself ready for the screaming match I was sure to find once I walked through the door.

I opened the door to see that I was right, and that Mom and Dad were yelling at each other again. They were doing it upstairs this time however, and I saw that Mom had left dinner out for me, so I picked at it and ate as much as I could. I could only manage one bite due to the loss of appetite resulting from Mom and Dad's newest argument, so I braced myself and climbed the stairs.

"Why would you tell the school principal what race we are?!" Dad asked Mom incredulously, who told him in response, "I didn't tell him! Dova did!" "But you confirmed it when the principal called you! How long before they find out everything?!" Dad asked rhetorically. I sighed in annoyance as Mom pleaded with Dad, "Dova's confused, don't you get it?! First, you thought she was a boy and made everyone else in town think so too, then, we kept silent about her race!"

"Confusion was the point! The more Dova learns about the truth, the more dangerous HE becomes, you stupid whore – Hey, look who's here!" Dad retorted, noticing me halfway through his sentence. I glared at him as he asked me, "Been out playing, little squirt? Ha ah!"

Mom then told me with fake cheer in her voice, "Your dinner is on the table, punkin! Then straight to bed – you have school tomorrow! Ha ha ah!" "School tomorrow! Ha!" Dad exclaimed as they both let out fake laughs. They both then went into their room, and I looked through the peephole to see Mom holding up Dad's brownies and telling him, "Whatever's in these things are making you crazy!"

"CRAZY?! Like telling the world who Dova is who we took so long to HIDE?!" Dad retorted, and I sighed in annoyance once again as I thought to myself, 'Does that asshole really not know that Grandfather's serving a life sentence right now?' I stepped back while I shook my head in disappointment and went into my own room, getting all the stuff that people had put in my trunk for missions before taking off my glasses and pulling the covers over myself to try and get some sleep before my night mission.

Just then, Dad opened the door and told me, "Hey, kiddo, listen. I know we never talked about it, but your mother and I are very proud Americans. Night night, punk." He then turned off the light and went back to his room, and I thought to myself, 'Five bucks says I'm gonna find him on the couch tonight.' I then drifted off to sleep.

And that's the chapter! Before I sign off, I just want to say that I have never smoked weed before, and thus do not know what it feels like. I hope I at least came close with Dova's encounter at Medicinal Fried Chicken. Also, I gave Dova braces because I wanted to, and can. Thank you for reading and please no flames! Coon out!