It's been a week since I met Jesse and honestly I can't get him out of my head. The night he introduced himself to me at the Ale House, we had so much fun learning about each other while playing beer pong and in my heart I felt like I was just hanging out with an old friend. That's not exactly the easiest or most comforting thing to think about because that's the way I used to feel with...well, the guy I spent almost seven years of my life with. Anyway...I knew that it was wrong but I've been avoiding Robert as of late. Atleast until I figured out exactly what it is that makes me think of Jesse so much. I don't know how many times Lauren and Ashley have caught me day dreaming...atleast they don't know that it's about Jesse's smile, the dimples on his cheeks...the beautiful eyes and playful spirit that he...STOP IT! Damn it. I was never going to be able to do this, there was no way I was ever going to be able to spend time with Robert without my thoughts drifting back to Jesse...and I sure as hell couldn't have sex with Robert with the risk of slipping and calling him Jesse. That wasn't fair to either man, especially when I knew for a fact that somehow Jesse seemed to rub Robert the wrong way and he's only been around Jesse for maybe five days. Fuck. Running my hand through my loose hair as I approached Robert's hotel door, I knew that I was going to have to tell him something...why, oh why, didn't I just call and tell him I couldn't come? "Because you're an idiot.." I whispered just as I let my hand slide out of my hair and curl into a fist, knocking on the hollowed door in front of me. Sometimes I should just beat myself with a shoe, maybe then that would knock some sense into me. Meh, probably not. Twisting my toes into the concrete as I stood outside the door, it took about thirty seconds before I heard the click of the door and looked up to stare into those knee melting steel blue eyes...God I need serious help. Instead of speaking once I saw Robert, I stepped foreward...somewhat crushing my weight against him as I stepped up onto my tip toes and pressed my lips against his in an attempt to hide the fact that I was thinking about Jesse. Again, more than likely not successfully. It didn't take Robert very long to notice that my mind wasn't on what I was doing before he pulled away from me and stepped back so that I could enter the room. Attempting to moisten my sand paper lips by rubbing them together as I walked into the room, the silence was very lonely as the door shut behind me with a click. Exhaling the breath I held in my throat, I heard Robert clear his and I knew that things were going to get more complicated than they already seemed to be. Placing my purse down on the floor beside the end of the bed, I took a seat and crossed my legs, facing the person that had done me more good than harm in the past few months and instantly felt like a jackass for even having the thoughts I had. Curses. "I don't know what's up with you, but I figure that it has to have something to do with whatever's rattling around in your head. So, you can either tell me or I can force it out of you.." Even if it was his way of 'asking' what was wrong with me, my shoulders stiffened and my back straightened like I was preparing to defend myself against false accusations. I wasn't on trial here but in the back of my mind Robert's words triggered the same feelings that...the guy I spent nearly seven years with caused the day we broke up. I guess my stiffness and defensiveness was all a reaction to being on the spot and all of the memories I had bottled up over the past couple months after I became freed from my past relationship. It wasn't his fault but the tone in his voice made me want to slap him and as much as I may've wanted to it took every ounce of restraint I had not to because I knew that it wouldn't solve anything. This wasn't Robert's fault...he didn't know what happened or why I didn't want to get close to someone, it wouldn't have been very nice of me to reach over and slap that smirk off of his knee weakening, good looking, chizzled features. Ahh, bloody hell. "I uh...I don't know what your talking about. There's noth...nothing wrong with me. Honestly." I answered, not really looking at him because as he stared I could feel his eyes burning their way through my mind, knowing that I was lying my ass off. "Nothing's wrong huh? Nothing...then why won't you look at me when you say that and by the way, what the HELL was up with that text message last week. Is there something you'd like to tell me Jamie?" Fuck, fuck, fuck. I knew that there was no point in lying...talking to Robert sometimes was like trying to lie to my Dad, neither was something that I was good at unless I was trying to get myself into major trouble. We're talking like the Empire State Building amount of trouble. Looking up at Robert as I leaned foreward and placed my elbows on my knees, I used my palms to rub my face before resting my chin on them, hazel eyes locking on Robert's goregeous steel blue peepers. "I...I don't know okay? I just...I met this new guy and I know that you don't like him and I...we hit it off pretty well and now I can't stop thinking about him. I..." pausing for a moment, I took a moment to look at the carpet while attempting to make sense of the mess going on inside my skull. Too bad there's not a dang gun around here somewhere...nah, that'd be too easy. "I know that it's not right for me to be thinking about him when I'm...when we're...well, when we're whatever the hell we are but I can't help it.." finishing my rambled thoughts as I watched Robert's face, it seemed like he knew exactly who I was talking about whether or not he wanted to acknowledge it. "This...new guy. That would be Jesse..right?" If he had been trying to hide the hurt in his voice, he hadn't done a very good job, even with the sharp tone in his voice. Normally I would've been shooken up at the crispness of his voice but this time I couldn't get past the fact that there seemed to be more to the 'us' in his head than just sex. There seemed to be...emotion there that I couldn't seem to place or even understand. Impossible...Robert Roode had feelings...for me? Damn it...this wasn't the way it was supposed to go, he...we weren't supposed to get attached...I liked not having to answer to anyone but he was making that hard now. I wanted to run to him...I wanted to tell him no, that I didn't think about anyone but him...comfort him and I knew that my legs wouldn't let me move to do that. My heart wasn't healed from my break-up with...the guy before Robert...I couldn't even say his name in my head without it cutting a hole right through my heart and now..with Jesse, I was tearing myself into three pieces when I didn't even know how Jesse felt about me. I wasn't even certain that what I was feeling and thinking about him was nothing more than an infatuated crush. It had only been a week but I felt something more with Jesse than I had with anyone else and I knew that it was something special. Why did things like this always happen to me? I'm not worth falling in love with, or even falling for in the first place, but somehow I seem to attract the people that I would rather not hurt. I hate being me. "Yes...it would be Jesse..." I finally managed to whisper before biting my bottom lip, trying my hardest not to bite all the way through it.
The sound of teeth grating together wasn't exactly a sound that I was accustomed to but at the moment, even though his mouth was shut, I could hear Robert's teeth splintering away as he moved them back and forth. This really didn't help that little...guilt monster growing in the pit of my stomach. "Well, that's...that's just grand isn't it.." With a shake of my head I grumbled under my breath and swallowed deeply before raising my head and my gaze to look at Robert. "I know...that you're not happy. I get that...but I can't help it, I just...I don't know what to do or how I feel or anything right now and I would appreciate it if you didn't yell at me about it. Can we just...I don't know, spend some time together...something?" I hoped that by remaining calm and begging for Robert to understand that it would work, more than likely however I knew that wasn't going to be a good thing. Robert may've been alot of things but understanding wasn't on the list most of the time. Hence the reason that everyone called him a woman beater, though I knew that it wasn't always one hundred percent accurate. He'd never once hit me. It took only a second before the walls that Robert had let down built right back up, covering his emotions in an ice barrier once again with me, acting like nothing was wrong with him. "Sure, we can spend time together. We always do, nothing's changed...why would you ask something like that when you know the answer already?" Raising my eyebrow slightly, I looked at him and swallowed a deep breath once again. I knew that I had hurt him, without meaning to intentionally and there was nothing I could do right now to fix the damage I caused. Damn it. "Robert...I didn't mean to...hurt you, you have to know that...I..." before I had the chance to finish speaking, Robert raised his hand and cut me off, looking straight through me with those ice cold blue eyes. He acted as if I was no more important to him at the moment then another match on his schedule and...that hurt...alot more than he knew. "Look...just drop it okay? I don't care what you have to say right now, so anything you want to say that involves the words 'I'm sorry' or 'I didn't mean to..this or that' are just a waste of time and oxygen. Don't speak unless you're going to say something more useful than that. Emotions are a waste of time unless they're of anger or malicious intent." I wasn't sure what to say that the moment, his tone was so sharp I was taken aback and there wasn't anything that I could think of that would calm the situation again. I had a feeling from the moment I had seen Jesse Neal that things weren't going to go as smoothly for me as they had been, if you could call breaking up with the person you thought you were going to marry a smooth move, and I was right. I usually had no problem with being right, in fact I adored and welcomed it, but now I was rethinking everything. My life had started unraveling a week ago and it was only a matter of time before I came to the end of the string. Why am I cursed with being drawn to the wrong guys all the time? Ughhh. "You...You know that's not true damn it. I just want... I want us to work more than anything else in the world right now. You're all I've known since things went bad, really bad, and I really want you to be the one thing that's good..." I knew that it was a long shot trying to bargin with him about this, but what I said was what I wanted to be true and I knew that it could be if I put Jesse out of my mind and focused in on Robert. "Fine...let's just drop this okay?" Nodding in agreement, I stood from the bed and walked towards him, placing my hands against his neck before my lips pressed against his. That one moment was all it took before his arms wrapped around me in an affectionate embrace and sent us into making love for the rest of the night. Sometimes I wish things were always that easy, but then again it might just be me that's the easy part. Interesting.