If Middle-Earth had Beauty Pageants…*
*I give no explanation for how the following transcript reached my hands.
Contestants:
Arwen Undomiel
Galadriel
Eówyn daughter of Eómund
Rosie Cotton
Goldberry
Judges:
Gimli son of Gloin
Éomer son of Eómund
Grima
Samwise Gamgee
Smeagol
Personal Interview excerpts:
How would you resolve the crisis that is going on in Mordor?
Arwen: The heir of Isildur must return and lead men against the threat.
Galadriel: I have struggled much with the Dark Lord, but I shall not allow him to prevail.
Eówyn: I would ride out to battle against the foes of men.
Rosie Cotton: What crisis? I thought Mordor was just a legend.
Goldberry: No one has ever caught Tom, for Tom is master.
Do you have friends of other races?
Arwen: I am actually engaged to a mortal Man.
Galadriel: I am wary of mortals, but there are a few worthy of trust.
Eówyn: The Holbyta are so cute!
Rosie Cotton: I have not met many Big Folk.
Goldberry: I have not yet determined which my husband is…can I get back to you on that?
Who is your role model?
Arwen: Some have said I am a likeness of my foremother Lúthien, and perhaps my fate will not be unlike hers.
Galadriel: I have seen many of my family members fall in battle, and have learned from their errors.
Eówyn: I wish to ride to war like Éomer, or like Theóden King.
Rosie Cotton: My mother.
Goldberry: I admire my husband's merry ways.
Summery of Talent Competition*:
*unfortunately, all recordings were lost
Arwen displayed her embroidered banner, embellished with mithril and gems.
Galadriel offered to let the judges look in her mirror; unfortunately, Grima fainted and had to be revived with miruvir. Pippin refused.
Eówyn showed a display of battle tactics.
Rosie Cotton danced for the judges. A call for audience participation sent Samwise running forward.
Goldberry also danced.
Lifestyle and Fitness in Swimsuit Armor
Arwen came onstage wearing a cloak and riding Glorfindel's horse.
Galadriel refused, pointing instead to the defense of Lothlorien.
Eówyn, on the other hand, donned a helm and the whole regale.
Rosie Cotton and Goldberry spent so long trying to find armor that the judges just gave them half-credit and went home.
Evening Wear*
*pictures available courtesy of Middle-Earth Herald
Arwen
Galadriel
Eówyn
Rosie Cotton
Goldberry
Onstage Question:
Grima drew a card and read it. "What would you like to tell our judges?"
Arwen blinked at them. "Could one of you carry a message to Aragorn for me?"
"Are you offering a bribe?' Grima asked, a gleam in his eyes. Éomer restrained Grima and motioned for Galadriel to speak.
"You cannot afford to remain divided against the Dark Lord," Galadriel declared, and followed her granddaughter offstage.
Eówyn stared at her brother. "Why must I tend the house when you ride off to fight?"
"Err...later, everyone's watching." Éomer shrugged.
"I'll take care of you, dear" Grima hissed.
Eówyn went pale and excited quickly, but Éomer lunged at Grima.
Rosie Cotton danced up and smiled at Samwise. "You're an excellent dancer...we should dance together more often."
Samwise blushed and offered a hand to help Rosie down as Goldberry entered.
"If any of you are ever traveling through the Old Forest, call us. Ho, come Tom Bombadilo!"
The judges circled up their chairs, with Gimli between Éomer and Grima, while Sam and Smeagol completed the circle. "So, who do you vote for?" Sam asked, staring dreamily out the door that Rosie excited.
"Fisshes, precious, fisheses!" Smeagol hissed.
"I believe Galadriel is the fairest lady of all," Gimli stated.
"The elf-witch?" Éomer asked.
Gimli grabbed his axe and held it at Éomer's neck. "Do not insult that which you have not seen."
"I actually believe Arwen, the Evening Star, is far more beautiful," Éomer corrected.
"Well," Gimli lowered his axe. "Then you are forgiven."
Grima spoke up. "Actually, I think that Eówyn is fairest."
"Get away from my sister!" Éomer demanded. "Worm!"
"Worms are nice and cool, and they catch nice fishes!" Smeagol skipped about the others.
"Just don't eat them raw," Sam winced.
"Raw and wiggling!" Smeagol chortled. "Raw and wiggling!"
"I'll give you worms!" Grima drew his blade.
"Fish!"
(...Here the paper is torn, with only occasional words legible. It is my belief that the judges began fighting, and broke the crown intended for the pageant winner. As Haldir of Lothlorien has said, "The world is indeed full of peril...but still there is much that is fair." And never have the peril and the fair come so near as at the Middle-Earth Beauty Pageant.)