She woke the next morning to the sound of a twig snapping. She jolted up from where she laid, startling the deer that had been drinking from the pond that she had discovered last night. She studied it as it stood there, standing tall with its muscles taut, ready to sprint away if it deemed itself to be in any danger. She stared at it and it returned her stare, neither one of them moving.
Clarke stayed unmoving because she didn't want the deer to run. This one, unlike the first one she had seen, looked normal; or at least like the pictures she had seen back on the Arc. She refused to move and after a while the deer decided that she was not much of a threat. Still, it cautiously moved forward to the pond and slowly dropped its head to take a drink while keeping its eyes on her.
After having its fill from the pond, she watched and it lifted its head and went on its way. She was left alone again and she finally allowed herself to move. Her entire body was sore and she knew she needed to take the time to drink some water and find some food; as well as wash her clothes and herself based on the smell.
She slowly moved to the water and brought some up to her parched lips, drinking slowly and only a little bit at a time. She did not need a repeat of the night before. And once she had had enough water that she thought would be safe, she found herself crawling into the pond.
She crawled around until she found the deepest point, where the water came up to her chest while she sat on the rocky bottom. She let her legs extend out before her and let herself lean back until her head was floating in the water. She laid there for a few minutes, letting the cool water soothe her aching body. Then she inhaled and submerged herself completely.
As she lay there underwater, she could almost envision herself as a caterpillar wrapped tightly in a protective cocoon. For a brief second she almost felt safe before darker thoughts began to seep into her mind. She thought of how easy it would be to end it, right now, in this very moment. All she had to do was open her mouth and breathe in. Breathe in and it would all be over. She wouldn't have to relive her choices any longer. She wouldn't have to see their faces again and again. She wouldn't have to feel the pain or carry the weight any more. All she had to do was breathe in.
Though she wanted nothing more than for her pain to be gone, she couldn't quite bring herself to commit suicide. So when the need for air became too great, she rose her head up and out of the water before she allowed herself to inhale. And as she took big gulping breaths of air, she thought that if she wasn't going to let herself die than she should at least try to do something productive.
She struggled out of her thick jacket and her shirt, her boots and pants. She removed everything but her underwear and tried to clean her clothing as best as she could. When she finished with garment she wrung them out and laid them flat on a rock to dry in the sun.
Once the last piece was done she sunk back into the water and tried to clean her hair, running her fingers through it over and over again. Next she wiped at her face, removing the blood that had dried there as well as that on her hands. Her hands never seemed to quite get clean enough though, and she kept scrubbing at them. After a while she realized that she would end up rubbing her hands raw and had to willfully stop herself.
Removing herself from the pond, she found her clothes still needing to dry. And it was then that her empty stomach made itself known to her. She knew she needed to find food but she didn't like the idea of wandering through the forest half-naked. The alternative though was to sit idly, waiting for her clothes to dry. And that, to her, was an even worse idea.
So she went in search for food, being careful of where she placed her bare feet. She started looking around the pond, circling it, with her circles widening with each pass. In her hunt she came across some berries and a few mushrooms that, she had learned from Monty, were okay to eat. She piled them onto her hand and arm that she held tightly to her body. She had nothing to carry water in but at least she could store her finds in the pockets of her jacket.
She had been searching for hours and it was then that a realization hit her. As long as she had something she needed to do, she was able to keep her ghosts at bay. She knew at that moment the real reason why she had left and walked away from Camp Jaha.
Ever since the Drop Ship had landed on the ground there was always something that she needed to be doing. First, it was trying to find the supplies they were told about, and then it was rescuing Jasper and trying to keep him alive. Then there were the others that had needed medical attention. Amidst that, she had tried to create some order and rules where Bellamy had only chaos. Then it was finding Raven and trying to signal those on the Arc, hoping to save over 300 lives. After that she was trying to save them all from the Grounders. Next came her escape from Mount Weather and then trying to form an alliance and creating plans to rescue those who were held captive.
With always having something to do, something that could not wait, she had had no time to let her mind think beyond the present moment. And walking everyone back to the camp, with no one left to save and no one needing her protection; she must have known that she would have nothing left to focus her attention on and that everything would finally catch up with her. So she had walked away, hoping that it would be enough to keep her attention; to keep all her demons locked deep inside where she couldn't see them or have to acknowledge them.
But as she had found, simply walking was not enough. She needed to find another purpose for herself. Looking for food and bathing had worked for a short while but she knew she could not do that all the time. She needed a greater purpose, something that would consume all her time and thoughts.
As she tried to come up with an idea, she decided she had collected enough food and turned to head back towards the pond. It was as she was slowly making her way back, being careful not to drop what she had just collected, that she felt as though she was being watched. She turned full circle, scanning the woods surrounding her, unable to see anything other than the trees and bushes, but still she felt as if eyes were on her.
She moved quickly then, back to the pond and her clothes and her gun. She didn't know if she was simply being paranoid after her short time alone, but she knew she would feel a whole lot safer when she wasn't half-naked and she held her gun in her hand.
Making it back to the rock and her now dry clothes, she placed the berries and mushrooms that she hadn't dropped into a dimple on the rock and quickly put on her clothes. As soon as she had her boots on and tied up she went to reach for her gun, only to find that she didn't know where it was. She thought back to before her bath and couldn't remember doing anything with her gun when she had rid herself of her clothing.
Thinking that she may have smartly left the gun on dry land before crawling into the pond fully clothed, she checked the area where she had slept but found nothing. She traced back the few feet that she had crawled and where she had fallen, but still no gun. Desperately, she plunged into the pond, soaking her boots and pants for the second time, and searched the floor of the pond only to come up empty.
Had the person who had been watching her been here and taken her gun? Or had she accidently dropped it somewhere in the last couple days? Was someone out there, getting closer to her now? Or was there no one at all?
As she scanned the woods around the pond for any sign of someone, she no longer had the sensation of being watched. However, she could not shake the feeling that someone was out there. And with that thought came another.
What about the other pieces of the fallen Arc? What if there were other survivors at the other crash sites? They had never been able to get the radio working properly to try and contact other possible survivors. If there were other survivors, they probably wouldn't know where to go to find the others. She would go and find them and then she would show them where they needed to go. She had found her new purpose.
Quickly collecting her gathered food and storing it in her jacket pockets, she set off, not wanting to stick around and find out there actually was someone stalking her and that they had her gun. And while the thought of venturing farther out on her own without anything to protect herself with was very frightening, she had found something to focus on, a goal that she had set for herself and she was determined to see it through.
Without knowing where she was and where she should start looking for possible survivors, she thought the best course of action would be to find high ground. She needed to find a place high enough that she would be able to see far into the distance and hopefully determine where she was. So she headed for the closest incline and started climbing.
Once she reached its highest point she looked for the next highest and then climbed to the top of that. The rest of her day continued in the same fashion while periodically eating some of the food from her pockets and stopping to drink some water whenever she came across some. And all throughout her travels, every once in a while, she would feel as though someone was watching her. Of course every time she looked no one could be seen. She figured if someone was really there, then surely they didn't mean her any harm. If they did, they would have done something already.
She suspected that the truth was that no one was actually there and that it was only her imagination. No one from Camp Jaha, who might have tried to follow her, would be quiet enough or know enough to not be spotted. She didn't think any of the Grounders would follow her around after what had transpired at Mount Weather. And no one from Mount Weather had lived. Therefore, she could only assume her imagination was getting the best of her and that she was completely alone.
She had been making her way up a fairly steep incline when she began to notice that the soil and moss had given way mostly to rock and the density of the trees grew thinner and thinner. She also noticed that the sky before her was losing light by the minute. She quickened her pace and soon found herself standing at the top of a very high cliff. She had finally found the high ground that she had been looking for.
She looked out onto the valley below and tried to take in all she could in the dying light. She was able to make out the shape of Mount Weather in the distance. It was almost directly East of where she now stood. And now she had a rough idea of where she was.
When she faced the direction she had just come from she saw the sun setting on the horizon. The sun had almost disappeared but the sky around it was afire with vibrant pinks and oranges. She had never seen anything like it and she stood watching until the very last drop of color drained from the sky.
With the world now dark around her she once again looked out onto the valley, hoping to see a light or a fire, something to point her in the direction she needed to go. And it was as she was searching that she noticed a light growing brighter close to Mount Weather.
It looked as though it was a small fire at first but slowly grew in size and intensity. She thought she could even see the flames from where she stood on the cliff. She knew that if she could see the flames from that far away that the fire had to be enormous. And it was then that she knew what she was seeing.
She remembered the conversation she had had with Monty as they made their way back to Camp Jaha. He had asked her what was going to happen to the dead inside the mountain; if they were just going to be left there. She remembers telling him that it wouldn't be right to do that, especially for those who had helped them, especially for the children. He had replied that it would end up being a lot of graves to dig.
She suggested that they should burn them like the Grounders did with their dead, that, "With fire, they could cleanse the pain of the past." She told him it could be a beautiful way to say goodbye to the dead. She told him that Raven and Bellamy and a few others at the camp would be able to help him. When he questioned her why it sounded like she wasn't going to help, like she wasn't going to be there, she had quickly looked back at Jasper who was walking with his head hanging and tears falling down his cheeks, and said that she wouldn't be wanted there.
She had said it would be nice if they did three different ceremonies: one for those who had helped them like Maya, one for the children who were too young to really know what was going on, and one for all the rest.
He asked her then why they should bother showing any courtesy for those who were willing to let them die. She responded without thinking, saying that whether they deserved it or not, every person inside the mountain had longed and dreamed for the ground, and this way, at least in death, they would be able to see that dream realized. That they would be able to become a part of the world they had longed for as their ashes flew away with the wind. That for their sacrifice, they could finally go home.
She remembered the way Monty had looked at her then, and she remembered looking away from him slightly embarrassed by the words that had poured from her mouth. He simply nodded at her and said he would make sure it was done. She then asked him to tell no one that it had been her idea, that certain people would probably not appreciate the gesture as much if they knew it came from her. He had tried to argue that it wouldn't be the case but in the end he had agreed.
His last question was, then where would the idea come from. Her eyes had searched those around her and then they landed on the perfect person; the right person. Her reply to him was simple: Bellamy was all she said.
Now, as she looked upon the fire raging in the distance, she could feel what was left of her crumbling and splitting and breaking inside her. The tears poured freely from her eyes once again and she felt herself crumple to her knees, the weight of it all crushing her. Gut-wrenching sobs escaped from her mouth, tearing her from the inside as they forced their way out. Her grief and guilt and shame took control of her body and spilt every ounce of what remained onto the rocks below her.
She was so consumed in her breakdown that she did not notice the figure that had stepped out from the cover of the trees below her. She didn't see them take a few steps towards her before hesitating and coming to a stop. She didn't see as they turned from her and slowly walked away, leaving her to fall apart on her own.
She was only barely aware of the sobs spilling from her lips, the tears that fell from her eyes and the shaking that wracked her body. It was all she knew before her energy was spent and sleep claimed her for its own.