Maybe if my heart stops beating
It won't hurt this much
And never will I have to answer
Again to anyone
Please don't get me wrong
Because I'll never let this go
But I can't find the words to tell you
I don't want to be alone
But now I feel like I don't know you
So Lucas Scott shouldn't have kissed me? Well I could have told him that! I just didn't expect hearing him say those words to hurt so much, but they did and I couldn't look at him anymore. I'm sorting through my records well at least I'm pretending to, it was kind of hard to concentrate on anything when he was only a few feet away. I hear him slouch down against the wall and a thought comes to my mind that I wish I had thought of sooner. I mentally slap myself for being so stupid.
"Do you have your cell?" I don't turn around; I still don't want to look at him. I hear him check his pockets but he doesn't say anything so I reluctantly turn around. I see him now standing and frantically searching through his jeans. He finally gives up and looks at me shaking his head to let me know he hasn't. I don't know why but this angers me and I start to take it out on him. "What's the point in having a phone if you don't have it with you?"
"Do you have yours?" he fires back angering me more.
"Its in my office"
"Well looks like I'm not the only one" he says with a cocky attitude.
"My office is just down the hall sorry if I didn't think to bring it into the storage room with me, how was I to know that some dumbass would get me locked in here?" anger and sarcasm were dripping from my every word. I was just so angry and hurt and he was the reason for the pain in my heart, yet I still couldn't hate him, I wish I could it would make getting over him so much easier.
"Its not my fault we're locked in here" he shouts back.
"You shouldn't have closed the door, in fact you should have left me alone like you're supposed to"
"Peyton I care about you"
"No you don't" I reply. I just couldn't believe he cared about me not after everything. If he cared about me why did he kiss me and then propose to Lindsey and then tell me he shouldn't have kissed me in the first place. He really was full of crap and I was sick of hearing it, sick of getting my hopes up, just sick of wishful thinking because in the long run it just hurt more. I really did feel like he was a different person now, this wasn't the Lucas Scott I used to know and that thought saddens me because Lucas Scott was the man of my dreams, the man who knew me inside out, I never wanted that to change even if he was with someone else.
"How can you say that?" he asks in a calmer tone but with hurt in his voice.
"It doesn't matter Lucas. What does matter is it's the truth"
"No it isn't" he protests but I refuse to believe him and I can feel my anger coming back.
"Its not huh? Then how come all you ever seem to do is hurt me? You leave me in LA with the CD I made for YOU and you don't even say goodbye. Ever since I've been back you've messed with my feelings, my heart, all you've done is made it harder for me to get over you"
When I finish talking I mentally kick myself for the last part. I didn't want him to know how much he affected me, how much I still loved him but it was too late I had let it slip and I couldn't take it back. Ever since I had been back in Tree Hill I had never actually told him that I still loved him, I was scared and didn't want to ruin what he had with Lindsey. Besides I always thought it was pretty obvious, everyone else seemed to know Brooke figured it out practically straight away and even Skills could tell I wasn't over him but not Lucas, until now that is. He was taken aback by my response I could tell he wasn't expecting it as he ran his hands through his hair and took a few steps backwards. We hadn't spoken since he kissed me, neither of us had made any attempt to talk about what it meant. I had every intention of going round to his place to sort everything out once and for all but before I got the chance I found out he proposed and that a celebration dinner had been organised. We barely spoke then except for when I bumped into him outside of the bathroom and now we were trapped and had to confront everything we had been avoiding.
"You're…you're not over me?" he asks nervously and a part of me is laughing inside because I refused to believe that Lucas Scott could be this naïve and clueless, he must have had some sort of idea. But then again he had no idea in our senior year of high school, even my half brother Derek who hardly knew me could tell but not Lucas who spent practically every day with me.
Why couldn't the ground just open up and swallow me? I really didn't want to be here right now. This room was way too small for the both of us and the tension just keeps on rising, it's just so unbearable at least for me anyway. It hurt to be this close to him and not be able to have him. I don't know how to respond to his question, whether to lie or finally tell the truth. But he's moved on, why complicate what he has with Lindsey even more, she's already paranoid and insecure why make things worse. I wanted Lucas to be happy even if it wasn't with me but he just made it all the more harder for me to do that. He kept giving me hope, I always thought we'd find our way back but the moment I found out he proposed I lost all that hope. I will never forget what we had and how he was there for me through the years. If I'm completely honest with myself he's the only man I've ever truly loved, I loved Jake I did but deep down I knew he was more of a replacement and I've never come close to love in LA. Lucas Scott is the love of my life, but now he's found a new love someone he has promised to love forever and that thought kills me inside, but I won't come between them, I refuse to be the other woman when it comes to Lucas Scott again.
"It doesn't matter" I finally breathe out and turn to walk back to my records but before I get there he grabs a hold of my arm and I feel myself being pulled back.
"It does matter. Peyton I need you to be honest with me, we need to talk about this we can't run from it forever" there's a desperation in his voice and I know he isn't going to let this go without a fight. I feel the electricity shoot through my body at his touch but I don't know what to do or say. He's still holding on to my arm and I'm just staring into his eyes like a love struck fool. I finally come to my senses and pull myself out of his grasp and away from his intense gaze.
"You're with Lindsey now, you're engaged for heaven's sake" I speak the truth hoping he would leave it at that.
"I know that, but that's not what I'm asking you"
Once again he doesn't leave it alone and once again I can feel a fight coming on. I wanted to tell him so badly that I loved him with all my heart, that I came home for him but would it really do any good. This wouldn't help me move on from him, it would just make matters a whole lot worse. One thing I knew for sure was I couldn't let him go, I couldn't let what we had go and that was the most painful thing of all because if I could let it go even just a little bit I would have a better chance of moving on but I couldn't and it angered, frustrated and saddened me all at the same time. How could one boy have such a strong hold on me?
One day you'll get sick of
saying that everything's alright
And by then I'm sure I'll be pretending
Just like I am tonight
Please don't get me wrong
Because I'll never let this go
But I can't find the words to tell you
I don't want to be alone
But now I feel like I don't know you
Let this go, let this go
AN: So thats the end of chapter 3 I hope you all enjoyed it. I just want to thank everyone for all the reviews they really do make my day :) Please let me know what you thought of this chapter. The next one will be from Lucas' POV. I'll try to update asap but I'm gonna write the next chapter for cruel intentions first because I have a lot of people waiting for an update!
The song: Paramore - Never let this go