Falling Over Me

chapter 3

I sat on the couch in my living room, my legs stretched out, my arms sprawled over the side. I was eyeing the television, some show I'd never seen before was on and I wasn't exactly paying attention. I was completely zoned out. I was such a bitch to Carly when we went out to dinner. I wanted to apologize, but I just couldn't bring myself to do so. I'm not the apologetic type. Tired, I closed my eyes and tried to fall asleep.

"Jade!"

I opened my eyes bitterly. It was Cat's voice. She popped up beside the couch suddenly, handing me my phone.

"I was walking by your room and I heard it vibrate," Cat said sweetly. She watched me open the text message innocently. When I read the message, I was stunned. I looked up at Cat in surprise.

She stirred beside me curiously. "Who is it from?"

"Tori. It's from Tori."

"Oh, Tori!" Cat was excited now. "How is she? I haven't talked to her in months. Ask her how Vancouver is!"

I rolled my eyes at her and sighed exasperatedly. "I'm assuming she's doing great, ya know, filming a movie and all."

"Why do you sound upset?"

"Because of what this text says."

Concern covered Cat's usually smiley face. "Well, what does it say?"

'I know we haven't talked in a while, but my manager and the director of the movie I'm filming wants to know if u would like to record a song 4 the soundtrack. get back 2 me when u can.'

I rolled my eyes. "She just wants me to possibly record a song for the movie she's filming. I haven't talked to Tori in months, though, since before we graduated. We've both been busy..."

"And because you dated her and now it's awkward?" Cat asked, catching me off guard.

"Cat! You're not supposed to talk about it!" I scolded.

"Sorry," she apologized quickly, toying with her hair.

Beck and I had been broken up for almost a year when he asked me out again, and without thinking I had rejected him. He claimed I wasn't thinking, which I wasn't at the time, and he wanted to try to have a relationship with me again, but not even a week before, I had finally admitted out loud to myself that I liked Tori. I liked the way her smile could light up a room and suck all the sadness out, the way she was optimistic about everything, how she liked being nice. I liked her seemingly perfect life, her perfect body, her eyes, her singing, her sense of humor. I'd never pictured myself dating a girl before, but I found myself looking at Tori, sneaking small glances as often as possible, just to see her. To really see her. And I planned on making her mine, despite the fact that she's boy crazy. I had seen the looks she would give me at times. I could always be over analyzing things, but I had a little dash of hope somewhere in my twisted soul that she liked me back.

After Beck had asked me out and I promptly said no, I drove to Tori's house. The whole ride my gut was telling me to keep my foot on the pedal, but my head was telling me I was being stupid, giving myself a perfect opportunity to humiliate myself in front of Tori. I listened to my gut, walking in her house like I owned the place and saw her sitting on the couch all pretty and innocent. Her expression turned from soft to worried when she looked up at me and the determination written on my face. I was scared out of my mind, slightly shaking from the terror of taking such a huge risk.

I remember that day so clearly. I remember the weather, I remember the smell of the air, how fresh it smelled from the down pour that had been occurring all morning.

I didn't move, so Tori stood up and faced me.

"Jade, what are you doing here?" I remember her asking slowly.

At that point my heart was pounding so fast I could have collapsed any second, but I kept telling myself to toughen up. But Tori makes me weak, she makes me feel something. She's never been my friend, but I trust her more than anything. She's honest and kind. And she puts up with me despite all the crap I put her through and how small I make her feel. That in itself was enough to make me fall for her. I tossed my bag on the bright couch and stared at her chocolate eyes, taking them in, feeling warm on the inside, yet still completely nervous. I've been a girl who has no care in the world, who comes off as having no feelings because of the walls I built up. Tearing down those walls was the scariest thing I have ever done.

Tori kept staring back at me, obviously feeling uncomfortable from my staring. I looked around before stepping forward, making sure no one else would be there to witness my skyscraper size walls come crashing down before me. Tori was about to speak before I cut her off by crashing my lips on to hers, snaking my hands up to rest gently on her soft cheeks. She was frozen and in complete shock. She didn't kiss me back, but then again, I didn't expect her to kiss me back. I pulled away eventually, when I realized that I was a complete idiot. We didn't speak for what seemed like hours, but it was only minutes. I finally just grabbed my bag and walked out, holding my composure on the outside, but screaming from fright on the inside.

She didn't stop me.

But she confronted me the next day at school in the janitor's closet, telling me she thought long and hard about what happened and finally came to the conclusion that she enjoyed it and she admitted to having "a small thing" for me. I smiled like an idiot that day as we kissed in the janitor's closet. And when we came out, we were holding hands and everything seemed hunky-dory, that is until Beck found out and hated the idea. It put a strain on everybody's friendship. Our relationship was just causing tension between everyone and it started feeling... unnatural. We broke it off, promising to never speak of it again.

"So what are you going to do?" Cat asked me with an innocent, concerned look painted on her face.

I took a much needed deep breath and closed my eyes for a moment before speaking. "It's a good deal. It'd be a great way to get me exposure and I know Martha would say yes the second I tell her about this, but..." I paused, considering my words carefully. "I don't think things between me and Tori will ever be the same. It will be awkward if I end up having to visit the set or something."

"But you're just recording a song for the movie, so I doubt you and Tori will have a run in."

"I sure hope you're right," I mumbled as the front door opened and Robbie entered the living room. I turned the TV off when he plastered an amused smile on his face.

"Guess who has a date tonight?" he grinned at Cat and I, who stared back.

Cat started bouncing excitedly. "Okay, umm, is it Jade?" she asked, looking in my direction. I looked at her as if there were four other heads branching off her shoulders.

"No," Robbie replied simply. "It's me. I have a date tonight."

"With who?" I wondered wearily. Had he already moved on from Carly? Or had Carly hit her head really hard and caved in to going out with him? I felt my palms grow sweaty.

He let out a content sigh. "I'm not sure."

"And you're happy about that because...?"

He answered promptly, "It's a blind date."

"I hope she's blind," I said under my breath. I assumed he heard me anyway when an offended look crossed his face and he stormed off to his room upstairs.

Cat stood up, ready to run after him. She glanced down at me. "Jade, that was really mean."

"Whatever." I stood up from the couch and wiped my sweaty hands on my jeans. I walked in my room, plopping down on my dreary looking bed and pulled out my phone to reread Tori's text. To be honest, I didn't think she still had my number.

I felt the need to call Carly and tell her how I'm feeling, but first, she was visiting her school she's going to in the fall all day and second, I don't tell people how I feel. It's not what I do and the fact that I felt I needed to speak to Carly about it when I haven't known her long, scares me. It terrifies me, makes my heart race and my bones tremble.

I finally pushed all thoughts to the back of my mind and grabbed my laptop. It used to be silver until I resulted to painting it black, because it was a present and I wasn't there to pick out the color. Of course, the fact that I painted it screwed up the laptop a lot. I'm twisted. My soul was too twisted for Beck and for Tori, and it's probably too twisted for Carly too.

I somewhat opened up when I dated Beck and same for when I dated Tori, but both of those relationships ended roughly. There are times throughout the day when I wish I had the ability to open up to someone and like it, but I don't have that ability and it's too late to change it. Way too late.

I emailed Martha about the opportunity Tori was presenting me with and as soon as I sent it, I shut my laptop, putting on the floor and proceeded to lie down and roll over on my bed. I drifted off into a light sleep almost immediately, finally getting in the nap I planned to take before Tori decided to come in my life again.

ooh, drama~

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no jarly interactions in this chapter, but in the next one for sure. sorry for not updating sooner. stupid school and homework. and tumblr and twitter.