For three days, Bellatrix wandered in what she hoped was the direction of Hogwarts while she got used to getting by without magic. Catching her own food was difficult, and more than once her impatience and temper cost her a meal. It was degrading and humiliating. Outwitted by rodents. But hunger was a harsh teacher, and she learned to stay down wind and stalk her prey, master her frustration, and wait for her moment to strike.
Her first kill was a salve to her wounded ego. She was so hungry, she didn't even care about her status, her pride, or her dignity as a member of the Most Ancient and Noble House of Black and most feared lieutenant of the Dark Lord as she ripped chunks of flesh from the rabbit. The blood that flooded into her mouth gave her pause for only a moment. She had expected the taste of blood and raw flesh and fur to be a more disgusting combination than it was, but to her wolf's mouth and her empty stomach it tasted delicious.
It wasn't enough to fill her stomach, but it would do for then. The ache in her belly had eased and her limbs felt stronger, her mind clearer, her body infused with new energy. Bellatrix licked the blood from her chops and continued heading north. By mid afternoon, she stumbled upon a familiar patch of scenery, one she hadn't seen in over a decade but which she vividly remembered all the same.
Excited, she searched the area. There! Train tracks! The Hogwarts Express tracks to be exact. She was heading in the right direction, and all she needed was to follow the tracks to their destination.
On foot, Hogwarts was still days away, she estimated. Briefly she worried about being out in the open for so long, but the tracks passed through empty countryside. She wouldn't be seen, and as long as she remained in her Animagus form, no one would recognize her even if they did.
Yes, this would be the best way to proceed, she decided, and began to trot alongside the tracks.
Another benefit to being an Animagus that she had not appreciated until now was the dull, somewhat fuzzy edge to her emotions while shifted. The road was long and boring, making it easy for her mind to wander. There were quite a few things she did not want to think about, like Cissy's horrified face at Draco being in danger. Had it only been Draco who caused such a reaction? Had Cissy been worried about her at all? Bellatrix snorted. She was being stupid. Of course Cissy had worried for her. Cissy loved her. Unlike Andy who apparently couldn't stand the sight of even her own daughter resembling Bellatrix.
Bellatrix stopped, shook her head and then gave a full body shake, refocusing herself. It was easier than if she had been human to push those thoughts from her mind. Purpose clear once more, she continued on. She focused on the sounds and smells around her, and when she could not keep her mind calm and silent, she focused on her plans. When that didn't work, she hunted. Killing never failed to calm her. There was something uniquely satisfying about killing without magic. She even had begun to take some pride in her kills.
No matter her current lot in life, she was a Black, and Blacks excelled in all they set their minds too. In every aspect, she thought, a vague echo of her mother's voice as she crushed the bones of an unfortunate hare between her teeth.
About a week later, she reached the train station in the dead of night. It was deserted, as expected, and she felt some tension ease from her muscles. She had harbored an anxiety that after everything, she would be caught so close to her goal. But there was no one in sight as she followed the path to the boats that she had taken in her first year - the same path that Andy and Cissy had taken after her, the thought making her feel closer to her sisters as her paws tread the same ground their feet had over a decade before; and closer still as she allowed herself to indulge in a moment of weakness and think of how Andy's daughter would walk this path soon, and Draco too someday. Then she reached the boats and shook the feeling off, trotting along the side of the Black Lake opposite the direction the carriages went, keeping the lake between her and Hogwarts. It would not do to dwell on Andromeda, the blood traitor, or on her half-blood offspring. She didn't care about Andy anymore, after all. Her moment of weakness was just that, brought on by exhaustion.
The last leg of the journey was easiest. Bellatrix followed the edge of the Lake. It's surface glittered with the lights of the castle, but Bellatrix's black fur melted into the darkness. She slipped into the Forbidden Forest with ease, nothing more than a shadow.
The nights were cold now, and she was tired. She found some thick bushes to crawl under where she would be hidden from sight. Curling up, she was thankful for her thick fur.
She would begin her search tomorrow. With that thought, Bellatrix drifted asleep, lulled by the sound of a wolf pack howling in the distance.
Narcissa jerked awake. The bedroom was dark, lit only by moonlight filtering through the curtains. The Manor was silent. She sat up, tense and alarmed, without knowing why. Snatching her wand off the nightstand, she muttered a spell to reveal the time: three in the morning.
Sighing, she realized what had woken her. Draco had not slept through the night for the last week and a half. Not since the night Bella...
Swallowing hard, she refused to finish that thought. She wouldn't give up hope on her sister.
Every night since that night, she had been woken by one of the house elves around two thirty in the morning. Could it be possible that Draco was beginning to sleep through the night again? Surely if the house elves hadn't come to fetch her then everything was fine. Sighing again, she began to creep out of bed, not wanting to wake Lucius. The niggling worry in the back of her mind wouldn't go away unless she checked on her son.
Halfway out of bed, she realized Lucius wasn't there. She placed a hand on his side of the mattress. Still warm. He hadn't been gone long. Frowning, she went to check on Draco, resolving to find Lucius later. He hadn't been having any trouble sleeping as far as she could tell, aside from when she woke him up accidentally.
Narcissa yawned as she padded down the hallway. She hadn't slept well in over a week, between Draco and her own worries. Yesterday, Lucius had tried to convince her to let the house elves take care of Draco for at least one night. Narcissa had been furious, which she could tell he had expected. What he hadn't expected was for her to pause a moment mid-tirade and then burst into tears.
"What's wrong?" he asked, brow furrowed in worry.
"Bella tried to convince me to let the house elves take care of Draco one night too. But she realized how important it is to me...she...why can't you do the same?" She had covered her face with her hands. "I miss Bella..."
Lucius had held her while she cried and said nothing more on the subject.
She reached the nursery. The door stood ajar. Curious, she poked her head inside.
Lucius stood by the crib, Draco in his arms. He looked awkward and tired, but he swayed gently from side to side. He looked up, blinking against the light from the hallway and frowned.
"I told the house elf not to wake you," he whispered.
Narcissa smiled gently, emotion swelling in her chest until it ached feeling fit to burst. "I woke up on my own. I'm so used to it now..." She stepped inside. "What are you doing here?"
Lucius glanced away from her, looking uncomfortable. "The elf woke me when it came to wake you. You've been so tired lately with...with everything..." He cleared his throat. "I thought I would let you sleep tonight."
Narcissa smiled, placing a hand on his cheek. "You could have told the house elf to take care of Draco."
Lucius shrugged one shoulder. "And be murdered in my sleep when you found out? I'll pass," he drawled. Then, more seriously, he said, "I know how important this is to you. I should have made the effort sooner. I'm sorry."
Narcissa kissed him softly. "Thank you." She pulled back, still smiling. "I think Draco is ready to be put back in his crib. Let's try to get some sleep ourselves. Or..." She leaned forward to speak in his ear, a finger trailing lightly along his collarbone. "Since we're both awake..."
Lucius's eyes widened. He nodded and put Draco back in his crib as hastily as he could without waking him and then let Narcissa take his hand and lead him back to their bed.
To Bellatrix's bitter disappointment, stealing a wand turned out to be more difficult than she had thought. She had been overly optimistic about the number of troublemakers willing to wander into the Forbidden Forest. Few were coming near it, though whether that was because of the colder weather driving them to stick close to the castle or if the current crop of students were boring and spineless, she didn't know. She hoped the former because snatching a wand would require she be able to get close enough to take the wand in her teeth. She didn't dare let herself be seen in person or else the Aurors would be all over the forest.
It was weeks before any students came near the edge of the forest. Three First Years, strolling along several feet from the trees, laughing and - Bellatrix felt a thrill of excitement and desperation - with wands out, practicing some simple spells. They were further from the tree line than she would have liked and within sight of the Groundskeeper's Hut. They would likely see her coming, and she would have only seconds before Hagrid burst out of his hut when the boys undoubtedly started screaming.
It was too risky. It was a chance she should pass up. She should wait for a better opportunity to present itself.
But how long would that take? She had been without a wand for far too long. How was she to search the deepest parts of the forest if she could not defend herself?
She bolted from the tree line. Almost immediately she knew she had made too much noise. The three boys turned to face her. They screamed and scrambled away from her. She leapt on the middle one who had been slower to move, knocking him to the ground. He threw his hands up in front of him. Tears streamed down his pale face and he gasped for breath under her weight on his chest. Bellatrix snapped at his hand, trying to grab his wand, but he shoved his hands against her throat, trying futilely to push her off of him, and she couldn't quite bring her jaws around -
A tremendous bang and a roar of "GET OFF 'IM" made Bellatrix leap away from the boy. She sprinted for the tree line. A crossbow bolt whizzed just past her ear and embedded itself deeply in the tree in front of her. Before Hagrid could load another bolt, she was in the trees. She didn't stop running.
Cissy always said she was too impulsive.
After that the students gave the forest a wide berth and Hagrid patrolled its edges, forcing Bellatrix to give up on her plans to acquire a wand for the near future. She fumed, her pride injured. She was a Black, a pureblood witch of one of the most ancient and noble families in existence! To be forced to steal a wand, let alone a child's wand, was bad enough, but to be forced to live without the ability to perform magic was a humiliating insult.
But if she continued to act rashly, she would be caught and sent to Azkaban. She forced herself to calm down. While she would gladly endure the prison for her Lord, she desired more to be able to find him, to help him. This injustice, being forced to hide and live as an animal and without a wand, she would bear for her Lord. When she found him, she would be rewarded beyond her wildest dreams.
Accepting that it would be some time before she could acquire a wand and that it would be too risky to remain close to the edge of the forest with Hagrid doing frequent patrols, she turned to spending her time exploring the parts of the forest that she could and hunting, gradually traveling deeper. The forest was not safe, but an animal, it seemed, stood out less to the creatures of the forest than a human would. And with the days and nights growing ever colder as winter set in, her fur coat kept her warm and dry; certainly warmer than a fire would have, without any of the associated risks with drawing the attention of the creatures lurking in the forest or the attention of Hagrid who often wondered deeper than anyone else would dare.
Winter came, and with it a thick blanket of snow over the forest floor. Often she heard a wolf pack howling in the distance, deeper in the forest. When she had been in school, those howls were the source of rumors that werewolves lived in the Forbidden Forest. How anyone could honestly believed werewolves would be allowed to roam freely so close to the school boggled Bellatrix's mind - or it would have, if she did not have such a low opinion of the of the intelligence of the average witch and wizard. There was no doubt in her mind that this was not an ordinary wolf pack, and she felt a pull to find them. She resisted the impulse.
They were unlikely to welcome outsiders.
Weeks later, her resolve crumbled. Bellatrix's stomach growled, hunger gnawing at her insides as she watched the third rabbit of the day get away. Another in two weeks - or was it three? It was getting harder to keep track - worth of unsuccessful hunts.
The snow slowed her down and provided plenty of cover for her prey. She didn't know how to hunt in it, and she still couldn't venture near the school with Hagrid's patrols or she would have attempted to snatch one of his chickens. As it was, she was exhausted, starving, desperate.
A howl pierced the quiet of the dusk. It was a beautiful sound, one she loved hearing. She lay down in the snow, closed her eyes and listened. I could die here, she thought, suddenly struck by the possibility with a clarity that she had not felt previously. She had struggled with hunting since it began to snow over a month ago, and it only became more difficult the further winter progressed. It would be a miracle if she survived until spring.
I'm going to starve here or be killed by that oaf or... She huffed, unable to chuckle darkly. It's a good thing Cissy already thinks I'm dead. It's going to be true soon.
That thought ached painfully deep in her chest. She was tired, so tired and so very lonely, and she made Cissy think she was dead; all her reasons melted away at that moment, leaving only the thought that she had deliberately hurt her baby sister, that her actions may have left her all alone.
Overwhelmed, Bellatrix threw back her head as a pitiful howl wrenched itself from her throat.
Her howl trailed off, and she laid her head in the snow. It had been almost two months, she guessed, since she had gone into hiding. It had to be close to Christmas. Lucius's trial would be soon - or had it already passed? She wasn't sure. Had Lucius gone to Azkaban? Would Narcissa spend Christmas alone in an empty manor raising Draco by herself? Was Draco alright? Maybe she could steal a paper from Hogsmeade...
A howl reached her ears. It seemed...closer...than before. Different too. An answer to her own, maybe?
Tentatively, Bellatrix howled again. The forest was silent for several minutes. And then she heard another howl, definitely in answer this time. Was the pack seeking her out? She howled one more time then, exhausted, rested her head on the ground and dozed.
When she heard the crunch of snow, Bellatrix tried to force herself to her feet. She made it halfway before collapsing again. Something sniffed nearby. Wolves emerged from the trees. They were beautiful, especially against the snowy ground and leafless trees, with intelligent eyes shining with curiosity. No ordinary wolves then, as she had expected.
Two of the wolves approached her, one with pure white fur and another with grey but which was no less stunning than its mate. They sniffed at her, nudged her head and neck with their noses. Drew back, regarded her, shared a look and a few low growls. Then the grey wolf lay down beside her, resting its head on her neck, and the white wolf vanished among the trees with the rest of the pack.
Bellatrix didn't know what was happening. At this point, she couldn't bring herself to care. Simply too much energy was required. But this was nice, the feeling of another warm body pressed against her own, feeling almost protective. It reminded of her of nights when Cissy and Andromeda were young, and they sought her out in the night after a bad dream.
The forest darkened. The wolf remained by her side. Where had the others gone? Why had this one remained? Was she even closer to death than she thought and these creatures were showing her an unexpected kindness by ensuring she was not alone when she passed?
The wolves howled again. They sounded fairly close. The grey wolf lifted her head and howled back. Bellatrix dozed again until she heard something heavy dragging across the ground accompanied by the sound of growling. Opening her eyes, she saw the wolf pack returning, awkwardly dragging along a deer carcass.
The grey wolf nudged Bellatrix then stood. The white wolf came to stand at her other side. Both nudged and nuzzled and licked at her muzzle. Finally, her sluggish brain processed what was happening: they had likely been hunting when they heard her cries and postponed their hunt to look for her. Finding her weak and starving, one of the alphas had stayed with her so the pack could find her again and bring their meal with them.
Bellatrix would never admit to the feeling of warmth that bloomed in her chest and gave her the strength to get to her feet. Her legs wobbled and her body trembled, but the alphas pressed against her on either side, helping her stay upright. She collapsed again next to the deer carcass and tore desperately at the tender flesh of its belly. The pack clustered around the feast now that she was settled and ripped into it.
The wolves took her in, and Bellatrix stayed with them through the winter. They taught her to speak their language - they did not speak of alphas but of mother and father; not of a rigid hierarchy but of brother and sister; not a struggle for dominance but of cooperation and family squabbles and leaving to find our mates and make our own families when the time is right. They taught her how to hunt large prey as a pack and how to hunt small prey in the snow on her own. Huddling together in a pile to sleep, they showed her warmth and safety and comfort could exist even in the darkness of the Forbidden Forest, where dangers lurked in shadows and trees, and in the harshness of winter when survival was a challenge.
They taught her what their pack meant. It meant Narcissa and Draco and once upon a time, Andromeda. That last plucked painfully at her heart, but what would wolves know of humans and magic and bloodlines and pureblood superiority?
Bellatrix stayed with them through the winter. Spring came and the wolf pack seemed to sense that she would be leaving soon. They made her the center of their cuddle pile that night, and they all nuzzled her head and neck in the morning, licked her muzzle, and watched her go.
Bellatrix felt an ache deep in chest as she left the pack, but she had a mission. It had been several months since she came to the Forbidden Forest and she had made no progress in her search. She did not despair. She had learned much in her time with the wolves that would serve her well in her mission, and the Forest was large and deep and must be tread ever more cautiously the further one went in - and no one knew she was here. She had all the time in the world to find her Lord.
Sometimes, she thought about her sisters. Narcissa, mostly, though sometimes she recalled fond memories of Andromeda - of playing in the gardens while hiding from music tutors, of teasing Narcissa with her about various crushes, of the summer after her First Year when Narcissa and Andromeda insisted on sleeping in her room her first night home from Hogwarts because they had missed her so much (how she didn't mind at all even as she made token protests because she had missed them too), of how they did the same thing the summer after Andromeda's First and Second Years at Hogwarts because Narcissa was miserable and lonely when they were gone.
Bellatrix would never admit thinking about Andromeda much less missing her to anyone, not even Cissy. It was better that way. Safer.
Other times, she wondered how Narcissa was fairing. Was Lucius in prison? How was Cissy holding up? Was Draco alright?
And she wondered, far more often than she would like, if her sisters missed her as much as she missed them.
Summer passed and winter came again. One year she had been searching for her Master in this place. The going was slow; survival took up much of her time and energy. Parts of the forest were near inaccessible due to the creatures that lived there. The Acromantulas were the worst, the centaurs a close second. The Thestrals, surprisingly, were very accepting of her presence, and often Bellatrix found herself in their company. She had never been a people person - people only wanted something from you or wanted what you had and as such needed to be kept at arm's length - but she hadn't spoken to or interacted with another person in a little over a year. To her surprise, she missed human contact: more than just her sister and nephew, she longed to just simply be among people. She lurked around the edges of the forest, spending some days just lying still and listening to the sounds of students laughing or near Hogsmeade soaking in the sounds of the bustling town.
The Thestrals couldn't take the place of human contact, but they were some of the more sociable animals in the forest and they didn't consider her prey which made them one of her few choices for companionship. On occasion, the Thestrals would share their kills - not as the wolves had done by hunting with her but by allowing her to eat something of kills they had made on their own, something Bellatrix was ashamed to admit she found touching.
As the days and nights got colder, Bellatrix made her way back to the wolf pack which greeted her happily.
Winter passed and came again.
The living room in Malfoy Manor was warm and cozy, with a fire crackling and popping in the fireplace. Out the windows, Narcissa could see big snowflakes drifting downward in the dim light of twilight. Narcissa and Lucius sat in opposite ends of a long couch facing the fire; Lucius read the Evening Prophet while Narcissa stared unseeingly at the same spot in her book, one hand toying with the ends of her long, blonde hair. Draco had slid off of the couch between them to kneel on the floor by the coffee table, tongue poking between his teeth as he focused on his drawing.
Narcissa glanced out the window. Christmas was only a few days away, and it looked like they would have a good layer of snow for it. A small smile graced her lips. She had always loved snow, and she was grateful that Draco had inherited that from her. Bellatrix hated the snow; it was too cold and wet and miserable, and yet none of that had ever stopped her from going out in it with Narcissa and Andromeda as children and, later, with only Narcissa, though Bellatrix complained the whole time, every time.
Would she have gone outside with Draco? she wondered, and her heart answered yes, and she would have pretended to love it - at least until he was older and she felt a sharp pang of loneliness and grief. She gasped softly, blinking back tears.
Lucius looked up at her. She kept her eyes on her book.
"I've been thinking," Narcissa said, her voice dispassionate, "that I might like to dye my hair. Not completely, but I think I could pull off a two-toned look quite nicely." She looked to Lucius. "What do you think, dear?"
Lucius frowned. "What's wrong with your natural hair color?"
"Nothing."
He pursed his lips. Reaching out to touch her hair and letting strands of it slip through his fingers, he asked, "What color?"
A beat and then, "Black."
And at that, she saw whatever else it was that Lucius might have said or wanted to say die on his lips. The frown disappeared, his eyes softened. He tucked her hair behind her ear and when he spoke his voice was gentle.
"I think you would look beautiful, my dear."
Narcissa smiled at him.
Draco squinted up at her. "Black like Aunt Bella's?"
"Yes." And like Andromeda's too, she thought but no one needed to know that.
Draco studied her and then nodded firmly. "You'd be pretty."
Narcissa chuckled, the pain easing a little. "Are you saying I'm not pretty now?"
Draco's eyes widened. Panicked, he looked to his father.
Lucius smirked and shook his head. "Yes, Draco, are you calling your mother ugly?"
Draco's eyes bugged out of his head. Narcissa laughed, scooping him up into her lap. She kissed the top of his head.
"It's alright, Draco. I'm only teasing," she said, and Draco relaxed. "I'm glad you think I'll still be pretty." She glanced at the clock. "It's getting late. You should get to bed, young man. Lucius, would you...?"
"Of course, dear." Understanding her unspoken request for solitude, he picked up Draco and kissed her cheek.
"My drawing," Draco mumbled against his father's shoulder.
"It will be there in the morning," Lucius said. "You can work on it then."
"M'kay," Draco said, laying his head on Lucius's shoulder.
"Goodnight, Draco. I love you," Narcissa said.
"Love you, Mummy."
Once Lucius had taken Draco from the room, Narcissa set her book on the coffee table beside Draco's drawing. She gathered up the crayons, putting them back in the box and smiled at his crude drawing of the mansion and the peacocks in the gardens.
A walk in the gardens, even in the snow and dark, sounded wonderful to her right then. She paused in the entryway to grab Bellatrix's leather jacket and a knit cap from the closet before heading out.
Snow fell gently, and the lights in the gardens cast a soft glow over everything. Narcissa pulled Bellatrix's coat tighter around her; she and Andromeda had enchanted it with warming spells after they bought it, something Bellatrix had been particularly thrilled about. Narcissa had reapplied the preservation spells Bellatrix had used to keep the coat in good condition, and she liked to imagine that the spells preserved Bellatrix's scent; if it was warm and smelled like her sister, she could almost convince herself that wearing the jacket was as good as getting a hug even as she felt incredibly pathetic every time she drew closeness and comfort from it.
She stood passed the steps, staring at the falling snow, one hand playing with Bella's bird skull necklace - another item she had taken to wearing, this one everyday. Maybe one day she could give these things back to Bella, she hoped. It was strange the way a part of her clung to hope that Bella still lived while a large part of her knew, logically, that Bella was dead. With her injuries, with no wand and no medical attention, with all the evidence, it was the only logical conclusion even if a body had never been found, even if the Ministry were still looking for her.
That was the problem right there, she thought. A lack of closure. As long as the mere possibility remained, a part of her would hope. Closing her eyes, tears slipping down her cheeks, she wrapped a hand tight around the necklace, ignoring the way points and edges dug painfully into her skin.
Wherever you are, Bella, I hope you're happy and warm, she thought, and miles away, in the Forbidden Forest, Bellatrix shifted in her sleep, burrowing deeper into a slumbering pile of wolves.
Four winters had passed since Bellatrix had started living in the Forbidden Forest, if she counted correctly, and the newest batch of Hogwarts students featured a curious girl whose hair and features constantly morphed. It was something she had seen before, something curiously familiar, but she couldn't quite place it. Most often the girl had short pink hair, and she liked to spend her time by the Black Lake like Bellatrix and Andromeda had liked to do during their school years. Cissy hadn't appreciated the beauty of the lake the way they had, but she would have followed them anywhere in those days so she would sit beside them at the lake shore even as she complained of the cold and of the wind messing up her hair.
But enjoying the Lake was not unique to her or her sisters so why did this girl make her think of them? Bellatrix watched her often from the edge of the forest, trying to remember why she felt drawn to this girl.
Also, she wondered belatedly, when had she begun to measure time in seasons and referring to herself as living in the Forest rather than merely searching it?
Her head momentarily came up off her paws as she heaved a sigh. Lots of strange thoughts had made their way into her mind lately, now that she thought of it.
She was pulled from her thoughts at the sound of panicked shouts coming the Quidditch Pitch where the First Years were learning to fly. A broom shot over the stands and out over the lake, a small girl with pink hair clinging to it, laying almost flat against the broom.
"Nymphadora!" someone cried while Madam Hooch yelled, "Miss Tonks! Turn the broom, lean to the - "
Tonks. Ted Tonks. Andromeda. Bellatrix's head shot up, ears flattening in alarm, her whole body tensing. Her niece. The pink haired girl was family, her sister's daughter, though Bellatrix had never met her. To her confusion, she could not quite remember why. What would have kept her from meeting Andromeda's daughter...?
She watched the broom streak over the Black Lake and then, to Bella's dismay, Dora leaned to the left, trying to following Madam Hooch's instructions, and slipped, fell, crashed into the lake.
Bella bounded to the lake and leapt in, feet kicking furiously. She had never tried to swim in her Animagus form, and her increasing panic at Nymphadora having not yet broken the surface of the water only made her struggle more difficult. After a few moments, though, some instinct kicked in and her movements came together and she paddled as hard as she could toward where she had last seen her niece. After another few agonizing seconds, a pink haired head broke the surface of the water. Nymphadora gasped, flailing and sputtering, struggling to keep her head above the surface.
Though it felt like forever, it took Bellatrix a minute or two to reach her niece, and she grabbed the sleeve of Nymphadora's heavy water logged robe in her teeth. Nymphadora finally noticed her and screamed. Bellatrix tried paddling backwards, tugging Nymphadora with her.
A second later, Nymphadora stopped screaming and splashed closer to Bellatrix. She wrapped an arm around Bellatrix's neck and coughed violently as she swallowed water. She weighed a ton in her water logged robes, and though Nymphadora tried her best to help swim as much as she could on her own, Bellatrix felt herself tiring quickly. Her lungs burned, and she swallowed water again and again. Her legs began to cramp. Her head kept being forced as Nymphadora tried to keep her own head above water.
But Bellatrix kept going, even when her strokes in the water became less coordinated, her lungs seared with pain, and her vision began dimming. They were close to the shore but not close enough. Perhaps if she transformed, she could make it... Desperately, she tried to transform back but she couldn't concentrate, couldn't...couldn't...
She started to slip under the water and Nymphadora started screaming and crying but they were close enough that maybe she could make it, where was Madam Hooch, shouldn't she be here by now...?
Bellatrix slipped under the surface...
Something large brushed against her belly from below and then wrapped around her body. She was lifted above the water. Blearily, she searched for Nymphadora. Nymphadora was held above the water, wrapped securely in a massive tentacle, both of them gliding toward the shore. Nymphadora spotted her and stopped crying, a huge grin breaking out across her face.
"You're ok! It's the Giant Squid. He saved us, don't worry." Then, looking up, she shouted, "Madam Hooch!"
Bellatrix blinked and tried to find Madam Hooch, but she was too tired to lift her head.
"Madam Hooch is coming, she'll be here any second, and I bet Hagrid can fix you right up, don't worry."
Bellatrix groaned. That was the last thing she needed.
Finally, Bellatrix's paws touched grass. The Squid set them down gently and slipped back under the water.
Hands touched Bellatrix's face and side, running along her fur.
"You saved me," Dora whispered. "Thank you."
Bellatrix forced herself to raise her head. Dora stared at her with awe and confusion. Past her shoulder, Bella saw Madam Hooch speeding toward them on a broom. She couldn't stay here. Wearily, she got to her feet.
Dora pulled out her wand. "Wait, let me at least dry your fur! It's a simple spell, I've almost got the hang of it, I'm sure..."
But Bellatrix trotted into the forest, ignoring Dora calling after her. She kept going until she was out of sight of the castle and collapsed under a tree to rest.
It would have been a perfect opportunity to steal Dora's wand, but the thought had not crossed Bellatrix's mind and never would.
Bellatrix kept away from the edges of the Forest the next few days, unable to trust herself. Loneliness clawed at her insides. She missed Cissy, she missed Draco. Sometimes she even missed Lucius and that told her all she needed to know about her mental state.
Maybe she could go back, should go back. She could hide inside Malfoy Manor, surely - no. The Aurors were undoubtedly watching the place, and if she got caught, Cissy would go to Azkaban too. Lucius as well, most likely, as it was nothing short of a miracle that he had escaped being sentenced there. Three years ago, she had stolen a few newspapers from behind the Hogshead, and reading between the lines of a few articles mentioning the Malfoys, it was clear that Lucius was still regarded with deep suspicion and would be highly monitored by the Aurors. If they were caught and all three of them went to Azkaban, where would that leave Draco?
But perhaps no one needed to know it was her. Perhaps she could pass herself off as a stray dog. Some exotic breed. Draco would be...five now, yes? Yes. Perfect age for a loyal canine companion.
Bellatrix snorted. Even as she thought it, she knew Cissy would never allow a strange animal into her home.
But maybe Andromeda...
Bellatrix shook her head. No. She had to think of her mission. She was here to find...to find...the Dark Lord. That was it. How could she have forgotten, even for a moment...?
A wolf howled deeper in the forest. She listened as the pack joined in and after a minute the howls died away. Though she never sought them out outside the winter months, Bellatrix always listened to the wolves, enjoying their songs and part of her anticipated being one of the voices in their chorus again. She felt an ache of longing in her chest, a tug pulling her toward the wolves. An old objection popped into her head: it would be a distraction from her mission; there should be no more distractions, there were already too many -
But tonight Bellatrix needed a distraction. She threw back her head and howled. Silence. Then she received an answering howl. She trotted deeper into the forest, stopping periodically to howl again. Each time she received an answer. On it went, call and response, call and response, until finally she found them.
The white wolf and the grey walked over to her as soon as they saw her and nuzzled her and licked her muzzle. As always, it was a strange, comforting, accepting gesture, and Bellatrix couldn't stop her whine of happiness. The rest of the wolves were largely unfamiliar to her, only a few of the youngest still around since last winter, but they greeted her, accepting without question now, and Bellatrix felt the heavy, aching weight in her chest ease just a little.
Bellatrix stayed with the wolf pack through winter as she usually did, but when spring rolled around, she found she could not bring herself to leave them as she usually did. So she stayed with them and helped to protect the leaders as they made a den, and helped bring food back when the grey wolf was too heavily pregnant to hunt or travel far, and when the pups were born, the pack taught her how to help care for them and how to teach them to be wolves.
She learned things she did not - could not - over the winter like paths and hunting grounds that were no good in the winter when prey left or snow and ice made them inaccessible. The wolves went places in the Forest that Bellatrix had never dared to go, keeping each other safe from the things that lurked there. They accepted Bellatrix as one of their own, showing no desire to chase her away when hunting and survival was easier, though they knew she wasn't quite a wolf and they did not seem to mind when she went off on her own.
Bellatrix continued her search for the Dark Lord but as time passed, she found herself wandering without remembering what it was she was looking for. Then she would remember and increase her efforts, panicked and confused and ill at ease, only to eventually forget again.
The times between remembering grew longer and longer until, one day, she simply didn't remember at all.