Disclaimer: Twilight ain't mine…but you already knew that

A/N: another re-beta'ed chapter.

BPOV

I woke up my second morning without Edward to a beautiful, sunny day. I breathed in deep and reveled in the warmth of the early morning sun. His skin was so beautiful in the sun, and I wanted that same beauty.

The thought made me giddy with anticipation.

I could be a vampire too.

I jumped out of bed and quickly dressed. School was going to be somewhat better. Jessica had gotten all of her never ending questions out, hardly breathing between my answers and her next question, constantly bobbing her head and chomping on her gum.

"Ok, so what happened? Why were you in the forest? I mean, gosh Bella, there are like wild animals out there. What if one of them was hungry or something? Weren't you scared?" Jess stopped to take a breath, so I answered what I could.

"He broke up with me on the path right outside of my house. He left and I didn't feel like going home. So I wandered around, crying a lot, and got lost. It was dark so I lay down on the ground and fell asleep." I had started taking slow, deep breaths to keep from falling apart. "I was unconscious, and so I guess I wasn't really worried about the animals at that point. The forest floor is actually quite comfortable." I shrugged my shoulders a little, and hoped she believed me. How could I explain to her the crushing cold, the never ending pain, the horrible loneliness of being in the forest and searching for someone you would never be able to find?

"I thought he was like totally in love with you. I mean, he didn't give anyone else a second glance in this place; you were his total focus. I mean he couldn't keep his eyes off of you, Bella. It's like he owned you or something." Jessica started rambling on about an article in a teen magazine about possessive boyfriends and how that could lead to violence of some sort.

"He was in love with me, but not anymore." I felt the edges of an invisible chest wound throb, but, thankfully, I wasn't crying. Not yet.

"Do you still love him?" Jessica stopped her yammering and asked me the one question I didn't want to answer. How did you stop loving someone who was a part of your very soul? Of course I still loved him. I was utterly devoted to him, even in my anger and sadness. I didn't know what to feel or think anymore. All I knew was I wanted to become a vampire. It was all I thought about during our summer together; well…not the only thing I thought about. Closed mouth kisses and soft touches were all he was willing to give me even though he knew what I really wanted. I smiled to myself before looking at Jessica, and realized she was still waiting for an answer.

"Yes. I still love him." One lone tear slid down my cheek before anger took over. "But, he's an asshole and I don't want to waste another tear on him," I said firmly, and I almost believed it myself. Answering Jessica's questions was both easier, and harder, than I thought it would be. Anger made me stronger and weaker. Jessica continued to prattle on about another article she read about boyfriends, and how to get them. Something about 'flirting without flirting'; whatever that meant, I wasn't sure. I didn't pay close enough attention; instead I focused on keeping my emotions in check in front of her.

Being alone in the woods, crying my eyes out in the dark, feeling my heart tear into pieces was an all time low; and then it got worse. The week that followed, I wasn't sure what I was supposed to do without him; he was my everything. I knew I should eat and breathe and bathe, but beyond that, the days held no interest for me. It was strange, almost like an out of body experience. I didn't have a hold on reality; I couldn't remember my world without him in it.

But now? Even though I was a shell of my former self, I no longer worried about what the future held for me. Would he change me? Would I have to get Carlisle to do it? Would he be mad? Would he still want me?

So much worry for nothing. I didn't need him anymore to become a vampire. He obviously didn't want me; that much was apparent from our last few days together. The look on his face when he said to be careful before he disappeared had left me breathless. The love he had for me was clearly there, painted brightly and obviously. Why, then, did he say he didn't want me? Maybe they were the remnants of a love he thought he had for me.

Who's to say? I was tired of thinking about it. We would have our conversation one day, and all our cards would be laid out on the table. I would let him know just how much he crushed me, and then I would live the rest of immortality on my own terms.

I couldn't wait to show him just how much he had changed me without one drop of venom. The school day was passing by in a blur as I daydreamed about Italy. Later that day Jessica started bugging me about weekend plans during gym.

"Why don't we go to LaPush or something? We could ask around and have a truckload of seniors ready to go in no time. Please???" Her pleading eyes reminded me of him and his last request. Those beautiful depthless eyes held so much intensity, and yet so much hate. Was hate the right word, though? He didn't hate me, per say, he said he didn't love me anymore, didn't want me. The memory pierced my heart with a fresh wound, and I clutched my stomach, trying to hold it together in front of my friend.

"Jess, I really don't feel like going to the beach. I have a lot of homework to catch up on from being out for almost two weeks. Maybe next time, okay?" With any luck, there wouldn't be a next time. I smiled as Jessica's wide eyes narrowed slightly. She saw my reaction, but didn't push me, for once, to spill any details. Getting over him would be nearly impossible; he was a part of me, a part that I wasn't ready to let go of. I wasn't even sure I could let go of him. His memories tormented me nightly; he left his mark without ever physically harming me. I mentally promised myself to devote the evening to researching ticket prices and times.

After school was out, I drove home and rolled down the windows and enjoyed the cool air. I felt my head clear and my mood lighten and I decided to make spaghetti with meat sauce. I made quick work of the canned tomatoes, onions, peppers and mushrooms, and soon the entire house smelled like an Italian restaurant. I took a deep breath of the sweet aroma; it smelled almost as good as that one in Port Angeles when Ed-

I shook my head free from the memory that threatened to engulf me. I took another deep breath to keep a torrent of tears at bay. And then I took three more. I felt the hole in my chest burn and ache. I blinked several times, and hugged myself tightly as I leaned against the counter. The Port Angeles memory hurt. The memories came easily, and the pain was brutal; worse than I thought possible. I let him have a lot of control in our relationship and knew that he couldn't be allowed that kind of power over me again. It was the second time that day he had affected me this way.

Asshole.

I needed something to help me relax. Charlie kept a bottle of whiskey in the bottom cabinet for the rare occasion that he had a mixed drink; he preferred beer instead. I was an adult, and a shot was just what I needed. Legally not old enough to drink, and not really caring, I reached for the bottle. I had experienced all consuming love and all consuming pain; I deserved a reprieve from my sadness. My justification for drinking was self-serving, but the memory of that night, and of his pleading eyes, had come on too fast, too strong, and a drink was exactly what I needed.

I grabbed the bottle and took a swig of the amber colored elixir. I felt the burn all the way down into my stomach, and then, slowly, a warm loose feeling overtook my body. I smiled. Lazily I took another small drink and then put the bottle back. I didn't need Charlie finding me drinking after last week. He had already been put through enough, thinking I had been kidnapped, or worse.

He would be put through a lot more.

I would think about that later.

I busied myself finishing dinner. After Charlie came home, we chatted about his day at work while we ate. He was having trouble with some local "hoodlums", as he liked to call them. They were spray painting giant pink penises on everything, and it was driving Charlie insane, along with the local clergy.

"I mean, these things are huge, Bells. I just don't understand what they are trying to prove. We don't have gangs, so it's not an initiation thing. Three convenience stores and two dry cleaners put up security cameras to try and catch them in the act. They're complaining that I'm not doing my job, but I can't be everywhere, and Johnson has his hands full with keeping tabs on all the regular stuff that goes on in a small town. I guess 'art work' is kinda low on my list." Charlie cleared his throat and looked uncomfortable.

"Johnson has his hands full?" I giggled a little and snorted at my stupid joke. Charlie just shook his head and frowned at me. Where had that comment come from? I could feel my cheeks burning red and I diverted my eyes as Charlie went to the living room to watch T.V. I cleaned the kitchen quickly and thoroughly. Thinking about giant pink penises suddenly made me eager to start my research. Of course I never did get to see a certain penis, but I did get to feel it a few times. Well, more than a few times.

Gah. Why was I thinking about his penis?

Asshole.

"In a hurry to go somewhere, Bells?" Damn, why did he have to be so observant?

"Uh, no, dad, I just have some homework that requires some internet research. And you know how slow dial-up is." He gave me the look that said 'let's not argue about this again.'

"What's it about?" Ugh, why did he pick this night to be "Father of the year"? Think quickly, Bella, how much of the truth can I tell him without that stupid red creeping up my neck and giving me away.

"Uh…..life in Italy and how foreign exchange students cope with living outside of their home town for extended periods of time. I'm going to look up different programs and compare them, the costs and pros and cons of going there versus coming here. I think it will be a fun paper to do. I actually would like to go to Italy one day." Where the hell did that come from? I was a genius! Why hadn't I thought of that before? I lied smoothly and confidently. Apparently, some of his talent had rubbed off on me. I quickly squashed all other thoughts of him rubbing various things on me before the red marched across my cheeks.

"Italy, huh? I've never been outside the states before myself. Sounds like fun. You know your mom would have a stroke if you went that far away." He tried to sound ominous, but there was a smile on his face. He was thinking about it, and I hadn't even asked the question.

Maybe this would be easier than I thought. I silently thanked God for my sudden inspiration and bounded up the stairs to my room. I had already fired up my computer earlier, and now it was ready to go. I logged onto the Internet and then went to the bathroom to brush my teeth. By the time I got back, my home page was up.

Two hours later, I discovered several things; a one-way ticket to Italy was two thousand dollars, a little out of my price range. Foreign exchange programs were expensive as well and programs ran from September to June or for the summer months. I could sell my new camera for some extra cash, but I would need it to take pictures of my time in Italy; evidence for my parents.

I fished around the site until I found what I was looking for and clicked it. It was a short list of students wanting to cut their trip short. I couldn't switch with them until Christmas, almost three months from now, and it would be half the regular price, costing me only eighteen hundred dollars. The family I stayed with would provide my room and board. I would have to pay for any meals out and any extra excursions. I didn't know how I was going to come up with that kind of cash. Three months would give me a chance to save up some money and say goodbye to everyone, and everything, from my human life. I emailed several of the students, my excitement building.

I had one huge piece of information left to find out, I didn't know exactly where the Volturi were. I pulled up a map of Italy and searched around the smaller towns, figuring they would not be in a heavily populated area. After twenty minutes I found it...Volterra, Italy. I rolled my eyes. Could it really be so obvious? It was as good a start as any. All I needed was a boatload of money and I could set my plan into motion.

Then something occurred to me; I had a brand new, very expensive stereo in my dashboard. I could hawk it, along with a few small pieces of jewelry my Gran gave to me. It wouldn't bring much, but it was a start. I had about eight hundred dollars in my checking account; I should be able to come up with the difference once I visited the pawn shop. Maybe I could pick up an extra job. I wondered if Charlie had any extra cash he would give me. I started tapping my foot as a slow smile spread across my face.

My mind was made up. I would have to lie to a lot of people, Charlie and Renee included, but it would be worth it in the end. At least for me. One day I would've had to become an independent adult, and move away from my dad and Forks. I was doing it a little sooner than later. And I was doing it to become a vampire. I laughed out loud; it was better than crying. Both emotions were battling for control inside of me. I wanted to laugh at my desire to be a vampire, and conversely, I wanted to cry for all the many things I would be giving up.

Most of all I wanted to see him again.

I practiced my speech a few times, wrote down some notes, and found myself humming a song Jessica had been listening to during lunch. It was called "Friends" by Band of Skulls and I dug it. The sadness had been abated; for now at least. I was so excited at my new prospects, and my near genius plan, that I had a terrible time sleeping. When my eyes finally slid shut, I dreamed of him.

We were walking in our meadow, holding hands and laughing freely; his warm, soft touch felt like home. He lifted his fingers to graze my cheek, and that electric feeling was there, even in my dream. I smiled and tilted my head, ever so slightly, to kiss his soft lips. He, in turn, did the same thing, and when our lips met, it was like coming home. We were the same, and he wasn't angry and I wasn't filled with contempt for him leaving me. My breathing picked up as we deepened our kiss and pushed closer to each other, molding our bodies to one another's curves. It felt so good to have him back in my arms. My hands twisted up into his hair, his hands trailing up and down my back frantically searching for and finding my bare skin. My heart was racing, as was his. We desperately needed to be together and love each other in this place, our meadow. I pulled back from him, and looked into his brilliant green eyes.

I started laughing. This really was a dream. His heart, his eyes, his warm skin. Sadness overwhelmed me and I started crying. He stood there, watching me heave and shudder with the force of my sobs, and then, slowly, he walked away without looking back.

Love that is not madness is not love, he whispered.

I shot up out of bed as tears streamed down my face and a deep sob stuck in my throat. I sucked in several deep breaths, wrapped my arms around my middle, and tried to calm down. He left me in my dream, again, and he had been human this time. Those green eyes pierced my soul. He wanted me, he loved me, and yet he left me all the same. Logically, I knew dreams were nothing more than fragments of random thoughts and emotions put together by your brain in an attempt to solve a problem. But all of my logic did nothing to calm the sobs that shook me to my core.

That asshole left me again, along with his family, my family. "Get a hold of yourself," I whispered fiercely. "He's gone and he's not coming back." Asshole. Shit head. Jerk. None of these thoughts soothed me. I still loved him and wanted him; the warmth down there made that very obvious.

I would find him, after I had been changed, and he would be sorry. I would make him sorry. He left because I was human;he didn't have the balls to change me. So, I had to grow my own set, and take matters into my own hands. Stupid shitty dream. I used to love dreaming of him and the things we might do and of our future together. I hated dreaming now. They always ended with him leaving me. They needed to stop.

There was only one way to make dreams stop. No sleep, no dreams, no problem.

I looked at the clock; it was only three thirty in the morning. I groaned and rolled over, shut my eyes and willed myself back to sleep.

School, home and finally the weekend was here. I received an email from one of the students, Mark Rivoldi. He gave me some information about the family I would be staying with, the town of Florence, which conveniently was the closest airport to Volterra, everything he could think of. I emailed my heartfelt thanks to him, telling him how excited I was, and how I couldn't wait to meet my "foster family."

I was almost as good a liar as he was.

The date was set for December 28th. I would be spending one last Christmas with Charlie and Renee, and with any luck, my last as a human.

I couldn't believe how quickly things were falling into place. I was so excited to go, but still scared out of my mind. The decision had been made, almost by itself. I had wanted to become like him after our "date" at the clearing. When he told me he loved me for the first time, my heart almost burst with happiness. I couldn't believe this beautiful creature wanted me, loved me, cared for me. I knew we would be together, I knew I wanted to be like him. Alice had supplied me with the details I needed, and he had told me, inadvertently, how a vampire could die by forcing the hand of the Volturi. Well if they could kill a vampire, certainly they could make one as well.

I'd worry later about whether or not they wouldmake me a vampire, or if they would just kill me instead. Either way, I was doing this for me and not for him. My life, my decision.

Not his.

Charlie came home to a huge steak and stuffed baked potato. Yeah, I was buttering him up for my strange request. I steeled myself, expecting a fight to the finish.

"Uh, Dad? I have been thinking a lot about my paper on foreign exchange students, and how much fun it sounded like. I mean, you said yourself you had never been out of the country, and neither have I. Well, I almost got to go, but mom changed her wedding plans." I laughed nervously and started twirling a piece of my hair in an attempt to calm my sputtering heart.

"So, in doing the research, I found a list of students who needed to come home sooner than the end of the school year, and I emailed one of them and I can take his place."

Silence filled the kitchen. I fidgeted with the edge of my sleeve, feeling the soft fabric pull against my wrist; I suddenly became fascinated with a loose thread hanging off the edge.

"So, um, I was wondering if I could go and finish out the school year in Italy. I think it would be good for me, to get away… you know…. from the memories and such?" I bit my lip, realizing I sounded totally stupid and that my speech sounded so much better in my room in front of my mirror last night. I hoped he wouldn't see the gaping holes in my story, or the red that creeped up my neck with alarming speed.

"I think it's a great idea, Bella. You should go." He nodded his head and plopped a bite of potato into his mouth. Charlie didn't mince words.

I was speechless. My mouth hung open and it took me at least five seconds to process what he said. "I can go?" I croaked, blinking my eyes in confusion.

"Yeah, I think it will be good for you to see the world. Renee agrees with me. I called her, after your not so subtle hint, and she is on board for the most part. How much does it cost to go?" He smiled widely at me and I was absolutely speechless.

Maybe I was having an out of body experience.

I had not expected this. I had argued every point, every angle with myself over the last two days. I tried out different lines of reasoning and logic, came up with all kinds of reasons why it would be good for my future to see the world and experience life abroad before I went to college and got married. How I needed the trip to clear my head of him. How I could immerse myself in a new culture and new language.

None of those arguments were needed. Charlie and mom were giving me a free pass, and I took it. "Oh, um, the program costs eighteen hundred dollars and I'll need some extra money for food and sight-seeing. I won't be leaving until the semester break in December. I can show you some pictures of the family I will be staying with, if you like. I have some money saved up and I was thinking about taking another job to save up some extra money," I said, my mouth moved without really thinking about it. My head was floating somewhere above my body and I was watching our exchange with curiosity from above. I was getting what I wanted; so why was I scared out of my mind?

"Your mom and I and Phil can pay for the cost of the program as an early Christmas present." He smiled widely and warmly before turning more serious. "Now, we expect you to call us, frequently. Your mom and I are happy for you, but we are also scared out of our minds. I had to go a couple of rounds with Renee to convince her, and she is still not a hundred percent sure, but understands you wanting to leave for awhile." Charlie wanted names and numbers. I would be calling the family soon to get all the required numbers. He and Renee were also giving me a prepaid cell phone so I would have no excuses not to call home anytime I felt lonely.

"I really appreciate you asking permission. I am going to miss you something awful, Bella. Please be safe." Charlie was holding my hand and looking earnestly into my eyes. I blinked back the tears and gave him a huge hug. He returned it in full force. It was the most meaningful conversation we had ever had.

I was going to miss them both; the tears running down my cheeks were genuine. "Dad, I'm going to miss you so much. I really appreciate you letting me live with you and take care of you. When I come back things will be different. You'll see. This is just what I need so I can move on with my life." I hugged him even tighter and I heard him take a deep breath. I, too, breathed deeply, realizing just how true my words were. Somehow, some way, I would return to my father, and make up for all that I had put him and my mother through.

"Alright, alright, enough of that. Let's finish our dinner before it gets cold." We smiled and finished our dinner in comfortable silence.

After dinner I called my mom; she talked my ear off for an hour. She was very excited for me. She also changed her mind about letting me go, and then she changed it back again. She did that six more times.

"Mom, I really want you to want me to go. I know you'll miss me, but this is something I need for me." I was biting my lip and fidgeting with my hair while she waffled about the trip.

"Honey, I just don't know. You father makes a convincing argument for you to go, but I'll just miss you so much. You're already so far away, and Italy is really far away. I would never be able to come and visit you." Renee started on about all the exciting things I would see and people I would meet, all the while not making a firm commitment to help pay for the ticket.

I sighed a few times, and huffed a few times, and pressed my palm to my forehead a few times. Mom might be a harder sell than Charlie thought. We said our goodbyes and promised to talk again about my trip in a few weeks, after she had more time to think about it.

After a very eye-opening and emotionally exhausting day, I curled up on my bed, pulled the covers up to my ears, and waited for the dreams of him to begin.

Notes:

Love that is not madness is not love. Pedro Calderon de la Barca

I took a lot of liberties with the foreign exchange student program. Charlie is OOC in this fiction.