Chapter 3

Slowly, almost regrelfully, their bubble starts to fade, leaving them exposed to the world yet again. The Ground is waiting. With a heavy sigh Clarke inhales the unique scent of Lexa, presses her lips against here throat in a final goobye. She can feel the 'hum' that fallow from Lexa's mouth, a sound of contentment so fragile, fleeting like a ray of sun between heavy clouds. But it is there, now, and it is for her, she knows, it is for them. In their shelter, just for a few heartbeat longer, Lexa is close and open.

There is a 'them' that is growing between she and her, giving birth to a union that is far from surprising. It has been long in the making, challenged and complicated. Even now, once Clarke'll open her eyes the reality of the Ground will be back, lashing and testing, always stretching the connexion she has - and always had from the start, with the Commander of the Twelve Clans.

Heda.

Lexa feels it too, the ending of their beautiful moment, and she doesn't fight it. Clarke supposes that she is used to it, to the glimps of reprieve before jumping back into more madness. A small break for air between storms, never bitter, never aching, but grateful for the small pause, no matter it's duration. Clarke knows Lexa is accepting of the now, leaving the past in the past, tomorrow for later. She lives in the now, cherishing every bit of it like it could desappear in an instant. That is the truth of the Ground.

Lincoln explained this to Clarke, during one of their many discussions. The way of the now. It has been a difficult concept to graps for her -mainly, as Lincoln has tease her, she couldn't keep her mind at ease, too busy thinking to be 'feeling the now' - , but in Lexa's arms she finally understands.

Lexa is not frustrated for their lack of time, she doesn't force for more, she goes with the flow, and Clarke thrives to do the same. She has learn a lot with Lincoln already, but she knows Lexa's wisdom is profond, an ocean. When their bodies move, their heads gently distangling, Clarke finds those beautiful green eyes once more, and in them, as she knew she would, she reads only peacefull satisfaction, contentment. It is such a overwhelming sight.

'You are beautiful.'

Hers words are low, her voice bends with fascination. Clarke's vision is a little bit blurry because of all she can feel, licking out of her like waves of tenderness, all for her. All for Lexa.

When she says it, Lexa's own eyes light up and her lips offer a bright smile, the first Clarke as ever seen, and she feels deeper into their connexion by it.

They are at the edge of their moment, they both feel it. Like Lexa, Clarke tries not to bear any resentment. With a smile of her own she shifts, her body becoming her own again, away from Lexa's, and it feels strange to be without her. It tingles. The warmth keeps traped between them for a while, as them limbs finish their goodbye. At last, Clarke's fingertips brush the Heda's cheek with a barely there whisper of touch, before withdrawing completely.

Taking a step back, Clarke clears her throat, letting her eyes wonder into the room. She hears Lexa straightening her clothing and can't help the smirk coming out. She turned the Commander of the Twelve Clans, the strong and controled Heda, into a little mess of hormonal teenager. She did that, and she is so smug about it she might do a little dance and a high five to herself.

What ? She knows wisdom isn't built in a day. She forgives herself.

'So... Where are we exactly ?'

She bits her lip to keep from smiling, crossing her hands behind her back to not reach for Lexa and start an other bubble right there. But her eyes can't find the strengh to stay away, lured back to the gorgeous legs of the woman she just kissed a moment ago. A kiss the itches to give siblings to.

Okay, she has to keep busy. Diverting her obvious stare, she goes to the window.

'Is it a village of some sort ?'

She hears a clearing of throat but she doesn't turn.

'It is the village where i was born.'

Clarke's eyebrows rise at the information, and instead of speaking she just tilts he head to the side without leaving her spot. When she hears Lexa next, it is closer, she is standing maybe two feet behind her.

'We are in my mother's house. The house i grew up in. The house is once called home.'

'Don't you feel at home anymore ?'

'Not for a very long time. Not since i became Heda.'

Clarke shivers a little. There is a heavyness in Lexa's tone.

'I do not come here often.'

'Where is your home now ?'

When the silence stretches, Clarke thinks she will not have an answer. She is fine with that. She is learning how not to push. She realised that to nourrish your inner peace you have to fallow the flow of life, constantly moving, adapting, like a spontanious dance where you can never predict where your step will lead. You just have to trust in your instinct, knowing that when a door closes two others appear instantly.

Lexa has many layers, some of them are doors not ready to open. No yet. Someday she'll be back at those doors and it will be time, they'll allow access. When the time is right.

'I have no home' The Commander softly whispers in the quiet after the silence settled for several minutes.

It feels like a confession, a murmure of loneliness. Clarke swallows the lump in her throat and doesn't make a sound. There is nothing she can say to that. It is merely a statement of truth, a reality Heda had come to accept.

Clarke steps back until she reaches Lexa's form, she pushes her back gently into her front, letting her head lull on the Commander's left shoulder. After a bit Lexa's tentative hands find her hips, and Clarke put her palms flat on it before dragging them accross her waist into ther stomach. She doesn't remove her fingers from hers as they stay in a loose embrace.

Clarke closes her eyes, musing on Lexa's complexity and yet simplicity. She realises that maybe...

'Maybe your home is yourself. Everything else is just... equipment.' She voices her thought out loud, not quite understanding what she is saying herself.

There is a bit of silence again, and then she feels Lexa trembles, a low sound coming out of her mouth right above her ear, before... Like a bomb going off, Lexa bends to the side in an explosion of laughter. She is actually laughing, hair flowing everywhere, eyes shut, mouth wide open showing white teeth. It is a perfect version of her, a new layer being discovered, and while Clarke should be offended by the fact that her quite philosophical thought feels like a joke to the Commander, all she can do is watch and commit this picture, Lexa laughing, to memory.

It seems like the Commander stopped containing her enjoyement and just let it out in the safety of their room, and Clarke is gratefull for it. She is very aware of the gift that is. She is also very touch by the trust Lexa still gives her despite the mountain, despite the fact that they haven't seen each other since that night, when she turned her back on her people and left. When she might have made an enemy of the Sky people. Even while Clarke knows must had keep watch on her, they had not talk yet.

When she left, Clarke was a mess of hurt, angst, resentment and hate, now they are kissing and laughing, and in the absurdity of it all, it makes perfect sense.

It doesn't take much for Clarke to join the Commander, laughing at her own non-joke. She hears Lexa saying something in Trigedasleng between fits of laughter, but she doesn't understand.

'What ?'

Lexa's breath calm and she straighten a little, face more serious. She clears her throat and starts with a neutral voice. 'I said... I am like a TURTLE !' The shout awakes a new set of barks from the Heda's mouth, it is so spectacular the Clarke is relieved no-one else is witnessing, because the reputation of Heda would be forever changed.

After a while Lexa finally calms, leaning on the only bare wall of the room, she closes her eyes and evens her breathing. Five heartbeat later she says

'Klarke'

And now the talk begins.

Clarke sighs and slowly sit on the bed where her gun still lay. Lexa's eyes are open again, watching her, and she can see how the mask of Heda is coming back on her face, making her expressionless. But Clarke has seen under it in the quiet of the room, and even somehow the mask doesn't block the view of Lexa retrieve behind it. Taking her cue, Clarke puts her own mask on, becoming once more the leader of her people. It is time to talk.

'Why are you here, Klarke ?'

She shifts on the bed, getting more confertable she crosses her legs indian style, putting the gun at the back of her jeans. Lexa crosses her arms on her chest, still leaning on the wall.

'Well, somebody wanted me to be.' she shrugs one shoulder, her voice volontarely board. 'Apparently i cannot retired without someone coming after me.'

'Someone ?'

'I don't hate you, Lexa. I never have, not even when i thought i did. I was mourning, a lot. I was lost and angry, but i passed. I lived alone for a while. Camp could fonction without me, my friends were free and the Council was always in charge anyway. I was just a temporary leader.' She shrugs again. 'So i left, i went to Linkon's cave and took the time to rebuild myself, starting by dementeling everything i've done since landing on the Ground, finish by the only question that kept hanting me.'

Clarke's faraway gaze prompts Lexa to question.

'What was it ?'

Clarke's eyes refocus on green eyes and says, voice strong.

'Who am i ? And more importantly how do i want to be ? I became the leader of a bunch because they were so reckless and i was the only on to know how life support was falling on the Ark, how important our survival was. I was raised by two Councils members, conditionned to take care of others, like loving them was not enough, i had to take care of them. I didn't see it coming. One day we were all equals, lost and mest up, the next they had become my responsability, like it was something expected from me. Because some stupid adults on a stupid Council found it would be a good idea to put the survival of our entire people in the hands of rebellious teenagers who hated them. Oh, and of course never tell us the gravity of the situation.'

Clarke keeps on talking, Lexa listening, everything is still while the sun go down, bringing the night.

'So many of our people died on the Ark because of that. My friends's parents were among them. They didn't know, that's why they take their bracelets off, and by the time i had told them it was too late, Bellamy manipulated them for his selfish means. I am amazed how selfish he was, all because he didn't want to face concequences for his own actions, take responsability. They were all irresponsable, all doomed, all fucking stupid. So i became the mother of those children, i loved them, i took care of them, i contacted the Ark so my people wouldn't die, because it was the right thing to do, because i was raised to take care ot people, to be responsable not only for myself, but for others.'

Clarke takes a breath, braces her elbows on the bed behind her, a bitter smile on her lips.

'They are on the Ground now, all of them, all that aren't dead anyway. My part is done. I don't care what the do, i am no one's mother, i am my own person, and if they can't be smart, grow a brain and a sense of self-responsability, then they can dig their own grave. '

Her face is neutral again, her stare fierce.

'I love my people but i also happen to love and respect myself. And i don't want to be what they shaped me to be, not when i am on the Ground where i can do more, i can be more. I can be whoever i want to be. It is not on their terms.'

She pushes herself up again, sitting her back straight she raises a finger toward the roof.

'The question was : who am i ? Well, i am no one's property, not a daughter, a leader, a friend or even an ennemy. I don't define myself from others, not anymore. I am my own. You see, who i want to be is to be free, so that's what i did. For four months i looked at myself and chose what to keep and what to burn. Who i am is a misture of conditionning, both from my family and my people, but underneath lays my true self, dormant, waiting for awakening. That is who i am, who i want to be.'

She eyes the Commander in front of her.

'You know what i am talking about. Linkon told me meditation is a part of warrior's life, that without it the fighter is unbalanced, unable to listen to his instinct. Her tought me some breathing exercices and a way to center myself. That is when i feel like i reach for myself, growing closer.'

She tilts her head then.

'I was when i was going deeper in the trance that i realised something. Heda. Heda is your inner self isn't it ? Your tru self.'

After a moment Lexa gives a small nod. Ever patient, she waits for Clarke to continue her process. Because it is a process, she is telling Lexa who she is, and ultimately who she is not.

'I want to be at peace. I want to be joy, playfullness, exploration. Love. I don't want bitterness, anger, jalousie, revenge. Those are the things i want out of me. Everyday i focus to center myself, sorting out what to keep and what to throw away. Linkon told me to picture a fire, to send all the negative thoughts, emotions or old behaviour i don't want anymore, into the fire. A purification. I feels good to do that. In four months my meditation has become a necessity, a moment of peace when i grow onto myself.'

She chukles.

' It is quite a discovery. '

Lexa waits a little, and finally uncrossed her arms.

' You do not seek revenge ? Retribution ? '

She knows the Heda must be certain, there can be no misunderstanding.

'No, Lexa. I know what you did at Mont Weather was the right choice to make, even then i knew it but i was full on emotion and blinded by the Ground. You see, since landing i didn't have a minute to breath, to relax, to enjoy. I didn't know what it meant to center one's self, to not be a slave of emotion, to be beyond that. I learnd very recently, and not thank's to my people but thank's to yours, thank's to Linkon. So i was a mess back then, high on adrenaline, set on a mission, save my people. I was not my own person you see, i was theirs. My people's. I have accepted that, it is in the past. But now i am my own, and i can make pause, take a step back, center myself. I can make peace, Lexa, and it feels so good... I feel clean again.

She swallows.

'Your people were dying at the mountain, Lexa, the mountain men were shooting everywhere, and the door wasn't opening fast enough. Yes, maybe we would have open the door and fallow the plan. Or maybe the door would have staid closed, we would have be forced to retreat, hundreds of your people dead of badly injured, hundreds more still in cages bleeding to death.'

She closes her eyes and murmures.

'You did what you had to do.'

She opens here eyes again, a small smile on her lips.

'I made my peace with it.'