Disclaimer: Just no.
A/N: It's Castle Monday...I'm not okay. But I'm also looking forward to Watershed...but also not really. Only Marlowe can mess with my feelings in such a way. Thanks man.
He doesn't sleep much but she does. After putting up a feeble fight, she relinquished and agreed that sharing a bed wasn't a big deal. Considering they'd been sharing for a year before she left. It's almost five in the morning and he's still on his side, watching her breathe in the darkness of the bedroom. She's facing him, it's how she fell asleep and she hasn't even wiggled much. Just an occasional sigh, a twitch of muscle right at the corner of her mouth, the way she kicks sometimes at an invisible foe.
He's been dozing since midnight, in and out. Always startling himself awake to make sure she's still on her side of the bed. She is. She's even kicked the blankets to the bottom of the mattress. She does that a lot. She goes to sleep with them pulled all the way up to her chin but as soon as she's submerged in slumber she starts slowly working them down with her legs until they're a heap. He's missed her - missed this.
And now. Now there's more than just her, more than just him. There's...his eyes drift down to her middle, the patch of skin that's showing between her shirt and her pajama pants. He chokes out a breath, realizes that his eyes are filling with moisture. There's a baby. Oh god. Oh. His hand reaches for her but pauses the second he remembers. They haven't touched, not since she left. He wants to. He just wants to and she's asleep anyway.
He lets his fingers brush against her shirt first and darts his eyes back up to make sure it doesn't wake her. It doesn't. She's still out. He shifts closer, leaving only about three inches between their bodies. As if even in sleep she's aware of him, she rolls on her back - her shirt rising - and he's presented with the perfect opportunity.
There's only one thing on his mind. Baby. Baby. Baby. The bare skin of her lower abdomen calls and he's powerless to resist it's pull. He gently rests his hand below her navel, just above the waistband of her pants. He swallows roughly, trying to get rid of the tightness in his chest. If anything it worsens and his vision blurs. It shouldn't be like this. He shouldn't be unsure. He shouldn't be touching her like this when they're still figuring things out but he just needs to. To prove to himself that she's here, that this is real.
Her skin feels the same. Hot and like silk beneath the pads of his fingers. He shouldn't have let his traitorous hand anywhere near her because now he wants to wrap his arms around her, pull her closer, just breathe her in. Maybe she was right. Maybe she should have slept elsewhere. But he won't take it back, won't retreat. His thumb brushes lower, hitting the fabric of her pants and he's still staring.
His chest feels compressed by an unknown force, something powerful that makes it hard to breathe. It's hitting him. A freight train of emotion rushing through his system and he chokes on it. Something that's the mix of a cough and a sigh of acceptance. It's a gunshot in the silence, startles her awake before he has the time to remove his hand.
Her eyes fly open, forehead scrunching and then she's moving closer and he feels some of the pieces come together. She touches the back of his hand, pressing it deeper into her skin.
"Oh, Castle." This isn't a fix. It's not helping and he pulls his arm back to his side. He sits up, needing to put some distance between them. She follows and he wants to growl, push her away but he doesn't. Why would he? It's been a month. A month of thinking she wouldn't come back, of thinking he'd lost the only woman he really loved.
He wipes a hand over his eyes, rests his elbows on his knees and drops his head. It'd be easy. He could kiss her right now, fall back into things, get lost in the comfort of her body but he won't. Because it isn't supposed to be easy. It shouldn't be. He can feel her eyes, knows she's watching him, probably biting the inside of her cheek, gnawing it between her teeth but she isn't touching him.
She's sitting next to him, crossing her legs and turning to face him but she's giving him about a foot of space. It shatters him all over again. They aren't like this. They don't do space when in bed. They do limbs tangled, bodies pressing, awkwardly uncomfortable contortionist positions that leave them with kinks in all the wrong places. That's how they lie, how they sleep, how they make love.
"Sorry, I just...it just hit me. That there's a baby. You're carrying my child and I wasn't thinking. I just needed to touch you - touch...the...I'm sorry." It's the only explanation he can give but it's honest.
"S'okay. You don't have to apologize." He gives in, turns until he's in the same position she is. Legs crossed, facing one another, elbows on their knees, bodies leaning towards each other. "It hit me on the plane. Pretty sure the flight attendant thought I was going to hyperventilate."
Her smile is poking through the seriousness, shy and shaky. He barely sees it in the dark but he wants to see more of her. Not just shadows and sharp lines illuminated by the moon. He reaches behind himself, turns on the lamp to light the room. Both of them blink against it, adjust their eyes. It's obvious neither of them are going back to sleep so he's seizing the moment.
She looks better. More rested.
"Kate,"
"I actually thought I might hyperventilate too." She's soft as she says it. Voice a silky velvet rasp, body relaxing and limbs turning liquid. He's still amazed by her. "Since neither of us are going to be able to sleep now, I think we can continue our talk."
"When did you suspect that you were pregnant?" It's not the question he's wanting to ask but it's the one that pops out.
"Couple days ago." His brow furrows as he watches her duck her head, pick at her nails. She tried to call him a couple days ago. It was a Tuesday.
"Tuesday?" She nods and his heart sinks into the pit of his stomach. They've both made so many wrong choices.
"Don't beat yourself up, Castle, you didn't know. I didn't even know for sure, it was just a suspicion."
"But I would have if I'd answered."
"And we wouldn't be here if I hadn't left." He sees her point. He does but it's the way her voice cracks that pulls at him. Twists him into a harsh mess of pain. "We...we wouldn't - I'm sorry and I know it's not enough. It's never going to be enough but I am."
She's chewing on the inside of her cheek again. Her eyes now red rimmed and filled with tears and he finds his eyes drifting down again, settling on her stomach which is ridiculous because he knows the tiny baby is much lower. He feels the dam inside burst, what started as a crack the moment she stepped into the loft, became a persistent leak the moment she pressed the test into his palm is now splintering into pieces with the water gushing out in a rush.
He tries to clear his throat, hide it but they've been through enough together that she catches him. He forces his eyes to close, doesn't want to see the pain in hers anymore but she's not giving him the chance because not even a second later he feels the warmth of her fingers, just two of them, pressing against his leg.
She's hesitant, afraid, he sees it the moment he opens his eyes again and it's enough to tear the last shred of his control. He reaches for her, wrapping his arms around her and tugging her until she's almost in his lap, her body against his, hair tickling his nose as he presses her head against his neck. He breaks, rips apart. He clutches her, breathes her in. It feels like he hasn't held her in so long.
He knows he's holding too tight, knows his hands are unforgiving, a bit angry but he just needs a moment. She doesn't say anything and that makes him even angrier, makes him whisper into her ear, demanding things he's not sure she can give.
"What the hell were you thinking, Kate?" She chokes, her shoulders shake, and he feel the tears against his skin.
"I'm sorry." He doesn't want it. Doesn't want her sob of an apology. He wants a reason. A damn good one.
She's crying. Sobbing into him and she can't stop. It's been torture and she needs this. Needs his arms around her. She doesn't care that he's pressing too tight or that she's sure she'll have bruises on her back from the way his fingers are digging into her. She's fine with it. Deserves it. She deserves his harsh words whispered against her. The heat of his breath leaving goosebumps on her skin, tickling at her ear.
And maybe she's holding him too tight as well, maybe her hands are anchored into his shoulder blades with no intentions of moving for awhile. She just - he was touching her stomach when she was sleeping and he was so gentle but this isn't. It's desperate, clingy.
"Why would you do this to us?" She wishes he wouldn't ask like this but he has every right to. The least she can do is try to pull herself together, try to answer him. "I would've supported you but you lied. Why did you lie to me?"
She stays where she's at, doesn't move her head from his neck, he's holding her there, his fingers tangled in her hair. She couldn't move if she wanted to.
"I don't know. I don't know." She takes a few deep breaths, tries to calm herself down. She hiccups, an ugly unattractive sound in the back of her throat that seems to make his hold loosen. No. She doesn't want it to. She wants him to hold tight.
"I asked what Stack wanted to talk to you about and you just...I -"
"I wanted to think first." She swallows, takes another deep breath but her words are still cracked, wavering on the edge of a breakdown. "And then when you found out, you were just angry and I - I got mad too."
"So you left?" It sounds stupid now. It is stupid. All of it. She whimpers when he grips her hair, tugs her back so he can look her in the eye. It's gentle, it doesn't hurt but the fact that he's putting space between them again does. "You ran."
It's the shade of blue his eyes are when he's upset, on the verge of crying. No he is crying and she did that to him. She broke him. Now she wants to be the one to put him back together. She needs to be. It's never been about her. She thought it was, thought she was making the right choices for her life but she's an idiot. It's not her life anymore. It's theirs and that's what scares her.
"Castle, I asked you where we were going and you brushed it off. Intentional or not, I don't know but I wanted to have that talk and we never did." The tension in his back eases, she can feel the knots under her hands give way. "So when Stack mentioned the job I didn't want to tell you, I wanted to figure out if I even wanted it first and what it would mean for us."
"Because you knew it would tear us apart and that was okay?"
"No!" Her fingers dig into him, claw at his shoulder blades, trying to make him see. She's just as upset. Just as hurt. Just as angry. "Because I didn't know where we stood."
"I love you," Her chest swells. Love. Not loved. "And you said you love me, I'm sorry but I'm pretty sure that's where we stood."
"But is that enough? Just loving one another and being in this relationship is great, it is, but what if I wanted more? I wanted a commitment, verbal proof that we're serious - just something." She's done hiding, done beating around the bush. This is what's been in her head for awhile and he deserves to hear it. "I don't want to fight and you don't have to forgive me but I made a mistake, a huge one, and I'm owning up to that."
"Taking the job wasn't the mistake, Kate."
"I know. Assuming it was my life and my decision was. I mean, it is my decision but I should have included you because you're part of my life, a giant part of it. A part that I don't want to lose." The storm clouds in his eyes drift away, leaving an exhausted dull blue behind. She pushes up on her knees to get closer, almost straddles him but she doesn't think that's the right move. "So what do we do?"
She's terrified to hear the answer but she needs it. She wants it. It's been a month of basically no communication and she's suddenly here and he's still holding her, still letting her hang on to him like he's her only lifeline right now.
"We work it out. Because this is serious, this is committed." She wants to say something but now her words are failing her so she gives him a small smile, something warm. He sighs, lets his arm drop from around her and she almost lets her disappointment show, almost but she hides it by letting herself flop back on the mattress to stare up at the ceiling.
She doesn't even realize that her hand is resting on her abdomen until he eases down next to her, places his over it. At first, she looks down at their hands then over at him. He's lying there, two inches away on his side and he's still touching her. It's better than where they were just hours ago. He lowers their hands, slides them both down until her pinky is dipping under her waistband.
Kate has no idea what she's been expecting but this isn't it.
"I'll have to go back to pack, call a moving company." It's her attempt at conversation and it's true. Lame but true.
"Are you happy about the baby?" The air rushes out of her lungs because that's certainly not something she's been expecting. She looks down at their hands, strokes her thumb over his.
"Certainly not the circumstances but I," She pauses to think it over, decide if she wants to spill her secrets. She flushes, knows he's watching her intently but when her gaze returns to his, she feels no shame. "I've thought about it before - us having a kid."
Not so soon and definitely not with the way things currently are but she gets a fluttering sensation in her entire body when she reminds herself that there's a tiny person growing inside of her. She's pretty confident that's a form of happiness. Astonishment.
a/n: Next up there's some Alexis.