Damon and Elena were driving home from New York. He was driving his Jag with one hand on the steering wheel, the other held Elena's hand. She snuggled against him using both of her hands to clasp his and her head lay against his shoulder. They had gone this way for several hours, hardly speaking, each lost in their own thoughts. Damon was pondering the events of the past few weeks, wondering what they might mean to Elena and their future. He had always known she was a strong vibrant woman. Now it appeared she had taken command of her life. It was disconcerting to say the least.
They had just picked up I-81 in Pennsylvania when Elena broke the silence. "Didn't you fight in the Battle of Antietam?"
Damon tightened his grip on the steering wheel as he recalled that bloody day. "Yes, I did. I was in the Stonewall Brigade. Why do you ask?"
"Will you show it to me? I don't think it's much out of our way."
Damon almost said no, that it was a part of his past he didn't really want to revisit, when he realized that she was staring up at him pleadingly. For some reason, this was important to her. He shrugged his shoulders. "Over 160 years ago, and still the mention of that place gets me. There's a reason they call it the bloodiest day in American History, Elena. You sure you want a personal eye witness account?"
"I don't really want a history lesson, I want to know about you. That was part of your life."
Damon nodded his head. "Fair enough, but turnaround is fair play. I want to talk about last night."
Elena nodded, "So do I."
They continued on in silence. As they passed Chambersburg, Damon made an attempt at humor. "Gettysburg is only 30 miles that way. Its closer, do you want to go there? It probably will be more interesting."
"Did you fight there?"
"No, they kicked me out of the army before then."
"Then I'm not really interested. I'd rather go to Antietam."
"Tell you what, Elena. My involvement actually started at Harpers Ferry. Let's go there first, stay the night, and then we can go to Antietam tomorrow. Otherwise we'll be very late getting back to Mystic Falls."
Elena smiled at Damon. "That sounds really good Damon."
They found a charming B&B that overlooked the junction of the Potomac and Shenandoah rivers. The weather cooled off nicely that evening and they opened the windows so they could hear the tourists pass by, and later that evening hear the gurgle of the rivers as they continued their path to the ocean. They made love tenderly that night. Whereas Elena had lately been increasingly confident with Damon, possessing a growing awareness of how to please him, this night, she was tentative and unsure. She held back, until Damon took command. Elena melted in his arms willing to respond to any desire he had. Being together for them was instinctive, as if instead of two bodies they were one. Their intimacy had reached the point where speaking was no longer necessary.
There room was situated so that it faced due east, and the rising sun in the morning woke them both up. Elena kissed Damon good morning, looked down at their bodies and grinned. "You know, since we've been together, I don't think there has been a single day that I have woken up dressed in my pajamas," she teased.
"Pajamas are definitely overrated, especially in the summer."
"What, are you saying I can't count on you to keep me warm in the winter? You disappoint me."
Damon grinned at her. "We'll have to see, won't we? Besides I think it's you who will have to keep me warm." They both laughed.
After they dressed and had breakfast, Elena asked Damon to show her around. "Have you ever been here before?" he asked her.
She nodded her head, "When I was in the 6th grade our class took a field trip here. I was more interested in the frozen custard and a boy."
Damon grinned, "And now? Are you interested in the battle now or are you still just interested in the frozen custard?"
"I'm interested in you. What did you do?"
"My regiment was placed on the heights across the Potomac, the Maryland Heights. It was a sharpshooter's dream position. We had a completely clear field of fire. The Federal's were sitting ducks. It actually was a pretty easy day for us. Sitting up there with our glasses and rifles, picking off anyone foolish enough to stick their head up. Their commander, Miles, was fool. Didn't know what he was doing. He caused a lot of lives to be lost."
"What were you thinking, sitting up there, waiting for someone to make himself available to be killed."
"A soldier doesn't think much during times like that. He's just focusing on doing his job."
"Anything exciting happen to you, during the battle here?"
Damon smiled, "No, not really. It was an easy battle for us. Tough day for the Yankees. It was after the battle that things got rough."
"Really, why was that?"
"Lee was up against it at Antietam, had the whole Yankee army sitting on his front. He sent orders to Jackson for us to move up to join him there with all haste. The Yanks here surrendered around 10 in the morning and then my regiment was ordered to force march 18 miles north to join Lee. That march was hell. 18 miles doesn't sound far now, but when you're on foot with paper for soles in your shoes, carrying about 60 pounds, it's rough. We had to jog, then walk, then jog the whole way. As the company commander, I hardly got to walk, I had to run up and down the ranks, swatting slackers with the flat of my sword to keep them moving. I lost 8 men out of the company that day. The ones with dysentery had it really bad."
"Lost, you mean they died?"
Damon nodded. "Probably, I don't know for sure, about 20 fell out of the ranks and couldn't get back up. Most caught up that night, the 8, I never saw again."
Damon and Elena spent another hour looking around, window shopping a little and then Elena asked if they could go to Antietam. It was only a 20 minute drive to the park.
"You want to go to the Visitor Center?" Damon asked.
Elena shook her head. "Take me to where you fought."
"My company was stationed with a regiment of Georgians on the bluff overlooking that bridge across the creek. We sharpshooters were especially needed that day to keep the Yankees from crossing the bridge and attacking Lee's flank. Not much happened the next day, it was like Harpers Ferry, we sat around, picking off any Yankee fool enough to give us something to shoot at. Then day after that, all hell broke loose all over. It started over to our left, but by 1:00 they attacked here. Once they started, they kept hitting us over and over. For most of the day they kept trying to cross that damn bridge and we kept driving them off. Finally, they got enough sense to wade across the creek and we figured we were done for. We couldn't retreat, if we did the Yankees would roll up Lee's entire line. So we had no choice. Our orders were simply to fight and die. It was hand to hand at times. That's the worst kind of fighting there is, when you watch them die up close. We were out of bullets, out of water, out of everything. We thought it was a miracle when Hill arrived from Harpers Ferry just in the nick of time. He certainly took his sweet time getting here, but when he did, he hit them Yankees like a sledge hammer, drove them back across the creek and the day was pretty well over. We spent the next day just looking at each other, too exhausted to fight, too mean to run. The bodies on the field was sickening, I've never seen anything like it, not even in either of the World Wars. After a day of licking our wounds, Lee decided he had no choice but to go home, and so we left."
They sat down on the bluff overlooking the bridge that Damon had fought so hard over those many years ago. "It's so peaceful now, it's hard to imagine," said Elena.
Damon nodded. "That's the way it should be. A piece of land should have to absorb only so much blood and violence, and then it should be allowed to rest."
"What about us, Damon? How much blood and violence should we have to absorb?"
"Honestly Elena? I'm not sure there's a limit. Dying is about the only way to escape it. I guess you have to find a way to come to terms with it, or go crazy."
"Or turn off your humanity switch and gorge yourself on it," replied Elena.
Damon shrugged, "There's always that."
Elena shuddered. "I can never go back to that. I'll take off my day ring and burn before I go there again." Elena looked up at Damon and suddenly changed the topic, "Do you know when I began to not be in love with Stefan?"
Damon shook his head.
"It was when I realized he had saved Matthew instead of me from the river."
"But that's what you wanted him to do."
"Yes it was, it's perverse isn't it? Men would call that typical of a woman. I was sincere in wanting him to do that. But, I also wanted someone who would always choose me. I don't want someone who will choose what's right rather than choose me. I want someone to choose me. I want someone who will be as selfish as I am. I wanted Stefan to save Matthew because I didn't want to live with the guilt of Matthew being dead and me being alive. So I was glad he did, but I was disappointed that he could leave me to die. Really deep down, I wanted Stefan to save me, and then I could blame him for saving me. You and I are the same deep down, Damon, we're both selfish. I will always choose you Damon because I don't want to ever live without you, just like you'll always choose me because you don't want to live without me. I was so angry with you that you would be willing to die and leave me alone. But if it had been me at the quarry, I would have made the same choice as you. I'm as selfish as you Damon. I told Bonnie that I am glad to be a vampire because I don't want to grow old while you stay young."
Damon chuckled and kissed her. "I guess we'll have to be sure to take good care of each other then."
They were silent for a while, taking in the peace and quiet. Finally, Elena broke the silence again. "I've been thinking a lot the past few months about the past couple of years. There has been so much death, so much suffering, and yet I'm so happy, I have to ask myself, how dare I? How dare I be so happy when Vicki, Jenna, Uncle John, Isadora, and others are dead. How dare I be so happy when I've caused others to suffer, when I killed that woman, and I don't even know her name. I can't even remember what she looks like. How dare I be so happy? And you, you're happy too. I know I've made you happy and I am glad. I'm proud too. I'm proud to be the one who can make you smile and forget. But how dare you be happy, who has killed people who didn't deserve to die? How can either of us dare to be happy when we've caused so much pain in our past?"
"You know what I realized? It's something that Stefan has never been able to figure out. I can dare to be happy because it doesn't do anybody good to be miserable. Being unhappy doesn't fix anything, it doesn't make anything better. I realized this after I forced Katherine to take the cure and realized how glad I was that it was gone. That was when I accepted that I could be happy, not because I deserve it, but because I might as well."
"That was when I made a vow to myself, I would grab all the happiness that came my way, not because it's what I deserve, but because to be miserable when I can be happy is to waste something precious."
"I realized something else. You can't live your life just being happy. You can't live your life just enjoying something you don't deserve. I realized I need to give back somehow. I don't owe a debt for causing unhappiness, well I guess I do, but it can't be paid. You can't pay back for the misery you cause, but you can pay for the happiness you get. You pay by helping others to be happy as well. At the very least you can't cause someone else to be unhappy, when you have been happy. So, I made a second vow that day, Damon. I would do all I could to avoid causing unhappiness with anyone else. That's all we can do, Damon. Be happy when we can, and not take another's happiness from them."
"So, how does this explain your change of heart about drinking from a human and the hunt the other night?"
"Well I realized how screwed up Stefan is. He is an addict, but his addiction shouldn't affect me. Living off of animals, really, just made me ill. I could not ever get over it. Drinking from blood bags really doesn't make sense when you think about it. I mean people don't give their blood for vampires to drink. They give their blood to save lives. What right have we to consume it like it's a cocktail? I'll admit, it's a rationalization, because I do prefer the blood warm from the vein. But, I would have continued drinking from a bag if it made the most sense. When I drink from a human, I don't hurt them, I don't take anything away from them. When I drink from a blood bag, I'm increasing the chances that someone else won't be able to get the care they need. Once I thought it all through, I haven't looked back."
"If you accidently turned someone into a vampire, would you really stake them like you told Caroline?"
Elena laughed and shook her head. "I only said that because I was annoyed. Caroline has the knack for getting my goat like no one else. I wouldn't be able to kill them like that, I would feel responsible for them."
Elena became serious again. "Damon, do you wonder what we'll be like after a hundred years? After two hundred years?"
Damon shrugged his shoulders. "Not really. I've always figured that the end was just around the corner. I guess, until I fell in love with you, I've always wanted the end to be just around the corner. Lately, I've just been enjoying each day, thinking tomorrow it might end."
Elena nodded. "That's a good way to be, I guess. A woman however, just naturally thinks about the future. I love being with you, making love with you. I have to wonder though is that enough? If I were human, I would be thinking about children, but now that's not possible. So what is the point? Do we just drift along, being happy but not really doing anything? I look at the vampires who have lived a long time and I don't like what I see. They're either running for their lives, like Rose, or desperately grabbing more and more power without having any idea what to do with it. We won't last together centuries living like that. There has to be more. I don't want what we have now to degrade into selfish decadence and indifference.'
Damon found Elena's dissertation fascinating. My God what a creature she was, he thought to himself. How did he ever deserve her? He laughed to himself, he knew her answer, he was being presumptuous. She decided who deserved her not him.
Elena looked at him. He was smiling. "Are you laughing at me?" she asked, offended.
Damon sobered immediately. "Not at all. Forgive me. I was distracted for a moment."
Elena compressed her lips, annoyed. "This is important to me Damon. Please pay attention."
Damon was apologetic. "I am, really, I am. I was just thinking how much out of my league you are."
Elena sighed. "Normally, I would disagree. But at the moment, I'm feeling more like your mother than your lover. I wanted to come here for a reason. I wanted to come here to have this discussion." Elena sighed again and began again. "In any case, I've been considering what we should be doing with our lives. I've thought a lot about Carl."
Damon was confused momentarily who Carl was, then remembered the clearing.
"What about him?"
"You've often said that we're predators, hunters. In nature, the hunters keep the herds strong by weeding out the weak and ill. After Carl, it occurred to me that vampires are made to hunt the human predators to protect the weak."
"You mean to be a vigilante."
Elena shrugged. "Perhaps, we're designed for it, don't you think? We have our ability to hunt, our hearing, our speed, but most of all our ability to compel the truth. Vigilantes don't care about truth, they want justice at best, but mostly revenge. We have no right to hunt for justice. If that were the case, I'd take off my day ring and be the first to die. But we can protect the weak. By taking Carl's life, I saved lives. By taking John's life I saved more lives. If I follow this path, I'm not going to hunt the ones who have killed, I'm going to hunt the ones who will kill, and when I am not hunting, I will enjoy all the happiness that comes my way. This is the path I choose for myself." Elena paused and looked into Damon's eyes. This was her moment of truth, she needed to ask Damon something that would define their lives together. She hesitated, reached down and caressed her day ring on her finger. She felt the heat of the afternoon sun on her face. "Damon, will you walk this path me? I don't think I can alone."
Damon thought about his life. He'd killed so many times. He'd killed for a lost cause, he'd killed for revenge, he'd killed for Katherine, when she didn't deserve it, and he'd killed for no reason at all. Elena was offering a cause that would never know victory but each small success would mean life for others. Elena wasn't offering a cause to change the world, just make it a little better. Damon nodded. "Any path you take Elena will be mine as well." He grinned then, "Although I don't think the path exists yet. We're going to have to make it ourselves as we go along."
Elena sighed in relief and took her hand away from her day ring. "Yes, and we have to create safeguards."
"What do you mean?"
"Without safeguards, we'll begin to hunt for ourselves, not for others. I don't want that to happen, I'd rather we died. We need Bonnie. She can create the safeguards. We'll have to find her. She's been gone too long."
Damon bent down, kissed her, and held her tightly. "I love you Elena. Let's go home. We have to make some plans."