Or if your wish be to close me, i and my life will shut very beautifully, suddenly…
Wanting what you can't have is hard. But ever try stopping yourself from what you shouldn't have? It's one thing not getting something because you can't, but it's another story, a harder one, mind you, to have self control not to reach out for what could possibly be yours.
Having come to the acceptance that I will be sticking around at La Push for a while, my brothers decided to bring me around the reserve. Walking on First Beach is like taking a stroll in a dream. The water seemed to stretch endlessly, connecting with the sky in a perfect way. The sound from the crashing waves soothed my fears for a moment, and I welcomed and peace.
"How have you been Kase?" Asked Ian as we settled on one of the logs facing the water.
"Fine. Makah was getting a little boring though, without you two goofs and with Grandpa so busy with tribal meetings." I answered, knowing that this wasn't what he was looking for.
"Come on. You know what I'm asking. Have you been visiting ? Are you taking your medication on time? Are you…"
"Ian!" I shouted. "Yes, I have done all the above." Talking about this really isn't what I needed right now. Trying to turn the attention away from me, I asked them again for an explanation on why they came to La Push .
"Well, we thought it would be a nice change of scenery, you know?" Ian answered unconvincingly. I rolled my eyes, and pointedly looked at Ryan for answers. He looked back at me and ran a hand through his short black hair.
"We came here because we had to. Now stop the inquisition and just believe us for once Kase, that we will tell you exactly why when the right time comes." Ryan is never serious, and hearing it in his voice right now somehow persuaded me to let the topic drop.
"Alright fine, but when the right time comes, you two better tell me."
They visibly relaxed, and we enjoyed the rest of the afternoon, with the sun on our faces and light chatter.
When we arrived back at Uncle Sam and Aunt Emily's home, the house was packed again. Ian and Ryan seemed unsurprised by this, and made a bee-line for the dining room. The kitchen seemed to be the only quiet area of the house, so I went in that direction instead. Just as I stepped into the kitchen however, I collided with a solid wall. That wasn't right, there is no door leading to the kitchen, I thought. I looked up, and met with the eyes of Paul. From up close, they were not a dark brown as I thought, but a light, chocolate brown. I stepped back dramatically, mumbling a sorry and tried to hide my rising blush by looking at my feet.
"No, it's my fault for being in the way." Paul said softly. I turned my eyes upwards and noticed that a slight pink hue marked his cheekbones as well. His hands ran through his messy short black hair, and I couldn't help but notice his muscled arms. Embarrassed and my own behavior, I looked away.
"So, ah, how are you liking La Push?" Paul asked gently, but also with a hint of shyness. Was he trying to make small talk? Maybe he isn't as cold as I thought.
"It's nice. Ian and Ryan brought me to First Beach today and it was beautiful."
"Yea, beautiful…" He replied lamely. I saw him shift his eyes from my face quickly as he cleared his throat. Why was he acting so strange? The few times I have seen him, he seemed so collected and serious.
"Well, I better see if Aunt Emily needs any help in the kitchen seeing as it's almost dinnertime." I really needed to distance myself before my interest in him increases. He stepped aside to make way, but his facial expression seemed to convey that he was trying to suppress something he wanted to say. Before I could ask, Uncle Sam came and stood before us. He looked down at me and then at Paul, and seemed to tense slightly.
"Paul, living room, now." Shoulders hunched slightly, Paul followed Uncle Sam and left without another glance at me.
Confusion clouded my mind, and I hate being confused. As quiet as my feet would allow me, I crept over to the living room and tried to listen into their conversation.
"Paul, did you imprint on her?" I heard Uncle Sam ask sternly. What is imprinting, and why is it a bad thing? Does it have to do with the scientist and the ducklings I learnt in biology class?
"Look Sam, I don't know! I feel so drawn, but the gravity shit that you all talk about hasn't happened." Paul answered with a frustrated tone. Imprinting, gravity, ducks…were they secretly mad scientists?
"Well, please try to stay away from her. If she isn't your imprint, then you know what happens if…something is to develop between you two." There was a hint of guilt in Uncle Sam's voice.
"Yea, yea, I know."
"Alright, I'm going to the kitchen to see if Emily needs help. You remember what I tell you Paul, she is very important to this family and I won't have her hurt in anyway."
"I would never hurt her." Paul stated strongly. I was so entranced by their conversation that I forgot I wasn't supposed to be sneaking on them. I ran quickly to the dining room before they could see me.
"Hey Kayley, how's it going?" I looked up to see Embry's bright smile. I wiped the confusion off my face and smiled back. His smile was contagious, and I couldn't help but continue a light chatter with him.
I was so absorbed in listening to Embry's passion for building cars and laughing at his jokes that I did not notice Paul enter the room until he came and stood next to me. Surprised, I looked up but saw that his gaze was not on me but on Embry. I was relieved for a second because I thought he caught me listening to his conversation with Uncle Sam and was confronting me about it. Relief however, became confusion yet again as I saw the hard glare he was shooting at Embry.
"Ah, Paul you ok?" Embry asked slightly alarmed. Paul's fist was clenched, and I became alarmed too. What was his deal? First he is serious, then gentle and shy, and now angry as a bull.
"Hell no Embry, you…" He was cut off as Jacob he whispered something in his ear and dragged him away from Embry and me. I continued to stare stupidly at Paul's angry gaze until he disappeared through the door. I looked at Embry for an explanation, but he seemed to be as confused as I was, and shrugged nonchalantly. "Paul has a temper problem." He said it like it explained everything.
I followed his lead to the dining room and took a seat next to him. He was trying to engage me in a chat about Makah but I was too distracted to be in the same good humor as before. I waited anxiously for Paul to come back, but he didn't for the rest of the night.
I'm not disappointed, I tried to convince myself as I lay in bed that night. Paul's behavior really confused me, and his cyclic personality from gentle to angry didn't help one bit. It also didn't help how drawn I felt towards him. Of course, I have had crushes before, but I could distance myself before it led to anything too deep. I made a decision then, as I stared out my window and gazed at the full moon. I will distance myself from Paul, because he isn't what I need right now. Confusion and wanting something I know I should not have isn't what I need.