You know, the youma in the Sailor Mars debut episode acted quite strange: he never tried to fight, just to run away. And that gave me an idea...
by lord Martiya
ACT 2: QUEEN BERYL'S BEST DAY IN BOTH LIFES
Sailor Pluto wasn't happy. Before her in the headquarter (whose main key was in Venus' hand and, unknown to Pluto, had been lose during the travel to UK. Good thing Pluto kept spares) were sitting Sailor Jupiter and a black-eyed Sailor Mercury, and between them Sailor Uranus and Neptune.
"Please repeat what the hell happened." Pluto said.
FLASHBACK
There was a reason if Kigaan was Jadeite's favourite minion: while weak, he was even sneakier than his general. And as he had two minutes advantage on Pluto, when she reached her parallel dimension he was long gone after rigging the place with Claymore mines, and was now repeating his ploy without the parallel dimension to hide the buses and the cursed charms. Slower, but still doable, and without Pluto chasing him as everybody half sane expected from a forewarned mistress of dimensions.
That was what she was thinking when he heard two passengers speak.
"I told you it would have repeated the ploy."
"But... WHY?! It's just too stupid doing that now that we know!"
"Exactly for we wouldn't expect."
"Yeah, yeah... SUPREME THUNDER!"
Kigaan jumped out just in time to dodge the lighting, immediatly pursued by the two Sailor Senshi.
CRACK-BOOM!
Two Sailor Senshi who just didn't expect him being armed with a Carl Gustaf Recoilless rifle. Old piece, but still useful to bust a bunker, open a 1960s-era MBT like a tin can, attack light warships (apparently a Royal Marine did exactly that during the Falklands War) or knocking down Sailor Jupiter.
Kigaan then attacked Sailor Mercury, knowing well she was smart but next to useless in combat. And got kicked in the balls. Hard.
"Just because you look like a female you shouldn't expect my computer will fall for that." Mercury said while reaching for the Carl Gustaf and a spare ammo.
"The bus is out of control..." Kigaan replied.
Mercury and a now recovered Sailor Jupiter left him alone and stopped the bus, giving Kigaan the time to escape. And for a pissed Jadeite to come and send them in a park away from there with his telekynesis.
"You Sailor Senshi gave me a problem too much." he said. "First you start attacking my minions, then that Sailor Mars has the bright idea of taking away the one thing enabling my hobby, and now this."
"What hobby?" Mercury asked.
"The same of Sailor Pluto: destroying a skyscraper in Chicago owned by a guy who has sold mankind to alien invaders."
The Sailor Senshi looked at him unable to understand if he was joking or what. Then Jupiter looked at his face.
"OMG! IT'S IMMORTAL MITSUHASHI!!!" she squealed.
"Who?" Mercury asked.
"A legend! When he was in high school he defeated bullies from all Japan with his genious and strenght! Not even Urameshi and me can compare to him! Well, we can in strenght, but his genious..."
"He doesn't look so great."
"He defeated a bear bare-handed, and without magic!"
"Actually it was shoed-footed." Jadeite pointed out.
"So great!!!"
"... Why immortal?" Mercury asked.
"It was when he fought a yakuza and his gang! He was stabbed, but he beated them all!"
Mercury had to admit that the guy was tough.
"Oh, when I'll tell Urameshi I beated him..." Jupiter said.
Sailor Jupiter attacked her hero. And even at the unexperienced eye of Sailor Mercury was apparent that Jadeite would won. True, Jupiter's technique in kempo was better than Jadeite/Mitsuhashi's street fighting style, but her foe was quite faster and had a longer reach and greater experience, and Jupiter hadn't been able to even touch him. Even more, Jadeite was a pervert, and his attempt's at Jupiter's breast were leaving the Sailor Senshi quite distracted.
"SABAO SPRAY."
"Dammit, Mercury, don't interfere!" Jupiter protested.
"We have to take him down. And you can still kick his ass now he can't see you."
"Right."
The fight was again one-sided, but in the other way: now Sailor Jupiter was forcing Jadeite on the defensive with lightning attack, while Jadeite could only counterattack with eye beams in the general direction of the lightnings. Then the mist started moving, condensed and nearly drowned Jupiter before Mercury could dispel it. And at that time, Jadeite was gone. And Mercury on the receiving end of Jupiter's right punch.
"Dammit, first you interfere and then you lose control of that thing!" Jupiter cried. "You'll SO p-"
END FLASHBACK
"That was when everything blacked out, I suppose because of Uranus and Neptune knocking us out before taking us here." Mercury finished. "Wait, where are Jupiter and Uranus?"
"In the other room discussing about that Mitsuhashi." Neptune said. "I take you missed the squeal..."
Pluto wished to laugh, but couldn't: for the Sabao Spray acting like that there was just one explanation, Tetraetenite was back. Also, there was still something she wished to know.
"Now, tell me, what is HE doing here?" Pluto asked while pointing Tuxedo Kamen, badly beated and tied and gagged with sado-maso items.
"It happened just before we took them with us." Neptune said.
FLASHBACK
"OK, Nep, where the hell did you learned Spock's nerve pinch?" Sailor Uranus asked.
"Malaya, it's a Dayak trick." Neptune replied. "You'd be surprised at what the headhunters can do..."
"This is Aya Reiko, on the location of the latest Sailor Senshi battle." a newly arrived journalist said in the camera. "We didn't make in time to film everything, but we know that Sailor Mercury and Sailor Mercury intercepted a youma in a bus and attacked, then entered into a fight against a human-looking being that police reports identifies as Jadeite. A second individual managed to save Jadeite from being killed by manipulating the mist summoned by Mercury. Then the two Senshi entered into a fight just broken by two other still unknown Sailor Senshi."
The two looked at the journalist, puzzled that she managed to stand near a Senshi fight (and near a crater from a stray eye beam) and survive unscathed. Then the journalist came to them and presented their business card while asking for their identities, that they gave, just before a rose entrenched itself near Uranus' foot.
"How you dare, you pervert, to dress like a Sailor Senshi! You'll pay for this and for enslaving the fair Sailor Neptune! And for trying to brainwash two other Sailor Senshi too!" Tuxedo Kamen said from a tree.
Uranus, Neptune and Aya looked around, then realized that he was talking with Uranus.
"Dear watchers, the phantom thief Tuxedo Kamen just signed his own death sentence. Please take minors away from your TV." Aya said in the camera while Neptune doubled up into laughter and Uranus eradicated the tree to take Tuxedo Kamen down.
As the scene of untold violence was about to be concluded by a point-blank World Shaking, Neptune asked her companion to stop and produced sado-maso items.
"Help me to tie him up." she said.
"You bring those with you everywhere, don't you?" Uranus asked. "I created a monster. Next is summoning Mothra... But why do you want him alive?"
"The rose is armor piercing."
"Arm-Well, thanks god I still didn't castrate him, Pluto will love that."
END FLASHBACK
"I take Pluto holds a grudge against Tuxedo Kamen." Mercury stated seeing Pluto searching for something in the middle of the torture items.
"From her past life." Neptune confirmed. "You see, if there's something I remember well from my past life it's three thing: you must never piss off Sailor Nemesis and her helper, Sailor Saturn gets sexually excited when she can destroy all lifeforms on a planet, and how this 'grudge' started."
FLASHBACK
Five off-job Sailor Senshi entered a bar in Elysion. A man glared at them, but Saturn's look while she looked at his manhood and Pluto's red eyes 'calmed' him.
"Commander, are you sure it's a good idea?" Neptune asked.
"Who's the healer?" Sailor Nemesis replied.
"You."
"And I say that sometimes you need this. And 'this' is some glasses of the highest-alcoholic Nemesian ale."
"I conc-hic!-ur!" an half-drunk redhead woman (an enchantress, judging from her pointy ears) said.
"Yes, but Pluto drank two bottles by now!" Uranus added.
"And that's why we are here." Nemesis replied.
"Hey, whaaat's happened?" Pluto asked to the redhead.
"Love." the redhead replied. "MY LOVE LEFT ME!!!"
"I undeeeeeerstand your pain, mine shoo."
"FOR A POLISHICAL MARRIAGE!" they cried as one. "OH, ENDYMION!!!"
Silence fell.
"Do you talk of the same Endymion, the Prince of Golden Kingdom?" Saturn inquired.
They nodded.
"HE WAS WIIIIISH YOU WITH-HIC!-OUT TELLING ME!!!" the two heartbroken women said each other.
"I'll SO neuter you, Endymion!" Pluto declared.
"After me: I wanna him as my boy-toy for a while." the redhead declared. "YOU HEAR ME, ENDYMION?!?!?! YOU'LL BE MY SEX BOY-TOY IN THIS LIFE OR THE NEXT!!! SO SWEAR BERYL!!!"
END FLASHBACK
"Now Pluto is searching for the rusty knife and a way to send him to Beryl, the leader of the Dark Kingdom." Neptune finished.
"I think I can help." Mercury said.
The Dark Kingdom was celebrating, and Jadeite was the hero of the day: he had not only saved a youma and bested Sailor Jupiter in single combat and without any trick, but had even brought back Tetraetenite, the Tracker.
"Now, Tetraetenite, as soon as we finish celebrating you are to track and recover the other officers." Beryl declared.
"As fast as possible, please." a voice said. Then a boy appeared from the dark. "General Malachite, ready to take command of the Justice Wheel Brigade."
Silence fell, before Kunzite started the new celebration.
"How?" Beryl asked.
"Dunno, I was sleeping when I remembered, and I was lucky enough to sense Jadeite's teleporting." Malachite replied.
"Wonderful... Lieutenant Ravil, depower Metallia at once."
"You... You were about using the Great Evil again?"
"Only if needed."
DA-DA-DA-DAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!! DA-DA-D-!
"Hallo?" Jadeite said in his cell phone. "Oh, Riko, what's up? What? WHAT?! Wait a second..."
Jadeite turned to Beryl with a strange look on his face.
"My queen, is there any reason for Sailor Pluto leaving the Phantom Thief Tuxedo Kamen tied at my girlfriend's home instructing to tell you he uses armor-piercing roses?" Jadeite asked.
"MY SEX-TOY!!! PUU REMEMBERED!!! OH, THAT'S MY BEST DAY IN BOTH LIFES!!!"
"I'll explain... Thetys, go and fetch the idiot." Malachite said to the puzzled Jadeite.
AUTHOR NOTE
I suppose you think Mitsuhashi is an OC. Actually, he's the protagonist of Kyo Kara Ore Wa!, and, for some reason, he's like a younger and less refined Jadeite, both in look and in character. And he actually did what Sailor Jupiter said. Only, she don't know some facts: the bear was actually a man in a suit trying to scare Mitsuhashi and friends away (Mitsuhashi never knew it was a fake, too busy gloating when it was discovered), and the 'immortal' thing was his most evil trick, faking being stabbed with a fake knife and some red liquid and then beating the crap out of the yakuza (who later confessed to be a fake one. And received another beating for scaring Mitsuhashi) and his gang.