July 9th, 2000

Chapter Two – Compulsion

"JARACACA!" The name made me cringe, though I had no right to. In fact, as I looked down at the sodden ground below me I could think of many other names just as vile and fitting.

"Amana! Mba'érepa? Amana, ñuvâ che! Ayuda che!"

How could I have let this happen again? I dropped the dented body to lie at my feet and ran my dirty hands through my hair, trying to come to grips with the fact that I'd just ended another life – another innocent, unsuspecting life that deserved to roam this world so much more than I did.

It's the fourth human life that I must take responsibility for since my greatest mistake.

The trembling, screaming woman finally raised up to her feet, launching herself on shaky legs into the deep green of the forest, her terrified voice ringing out around me. "JARACACA!" she continued to scream, warning her village and any other errant hunters that there was a monster – a true beast – in the jungle that afternoon.

But I was already running, leaving the body for the villagers to dispose of in their own, sacred ways. It's a mercy that I couldn't leave for the other families, or for the young woman who haunts my every moment, but as I'm already leaving a witness in my wake, what more could a brutalized body cost me? These natives will never see a camera, or a website, or a microphone…so surely their story won't reach all the way to Volterra? I figure that instead I will become the next tragic story around their campfire, passed on to their children to warn against the perils of wandering too close to the jungle at dusk.

Even if they had a direct line to Aro himself, I don't think I could have stayed. Since the massacre in Washington, I haven't had the stomach for the cleanup. At least before, when I was digging graves, I felt some since of accomplishment, dare I say – pride.

Now I felt nothing but shame. Now, the blood on my hands was even harder to wash off. It stained my skin, marked me as a destroyer and a thief of innocence. Because whether it was the animals I hunted or the humans that I just couldn't seem stay away from – it seems that I only fed from the innocent now.

By the time I could no longer smell the blood of my kill, I'd ran far enough into the wilderness that there were no voices to haunt me. I finally slowed. My shirt was bloody and torn. My pants seemed mostly intact, and luckily the phone in my right pocket survived the unscheduled hunt as well.

The phone had been delivered to the hotel room that I had begun renting about two weeks before. It was the first real residence I'd had in quite a while, and so far I hadn't spent much time there, but I kept it because I told myself that I needed a shower and access to a computer to take care of the banking and real estate transactions that I'd been ignoring now for years. There'd been no explanation with the phone, of course, simply a small box sitting neatly in the middle of the bed that first night. When I found it I sighed and made the decision to thank Alice the next time I saw her. For the first time in a long time, I hoped she saw me.

I found a stream and washed the blood from around my mouth. The buttons on my shirt were torn off and I couldn't get the smells out of the loosely woven fabric, so I buried it under some rocks in the creek bed. I ran my hands through my hair a few dozen times, bent over at the waist and trying to get a hold on all the emotions running through me. Shame. Failure. The always present urge inside me. A yearning – for what I didn't know. The feeling was something I didn't understand, something that had taken root in me and grown large and heavy since the day I lost myself in that suburban drug den. Secretly, I'd began to consider that the increasingly uncomfortable feeling was some sort of divine punishment for my sins.

I'd lasted an entire eighteen months since the last time I'd slipped. Granted I'd mostly stayed in the jungle during that time, away from any humans and nearly constantly hunting, trying to slake the constant need within me. And while I had succeeded in gorging myself with animal blood, I had yet to be able to merge back into society. At this rate, I never would.

The truth that I'd been studiously ignoring for several months now was that I needed help. Switching from human blood to a sub-par substitute isn't easy, in fact it's considered downright impossible by most of my kind. I only know of one vampire who's ever abstained from human blood entirely of his own volition.

I haven't talked to Carlisle since before the incident in Port Angeles nearly six years ago. I had called him a few weeks before that fateful trip, letting him know that I'd be dropping in to see the new place in Forks. He'd been excited to hear from me, and Esme had insisted on taking the phone from him before the end of our conversation, letting me know that my room was just as I preferred it, and that she'd air it out before I arrived. Esme always set aside a place for me – for all of us - in each of their homes. She continued to do so long after I had struck out on my own. It was her way of letting us know we were always welcome.

I assumed that they knew what happened those few short years ago on the night that led to my prolonged absence. No one had called to check on my whereabouts afterward, or to ask why I never showed up at their home. Barring the occasional mysterious package from Alice, no one had tried to contact me since. I had always figured that one of them saw my actions through the window that night - how much they witnessed was really the question. Did they see only the deaths of the thugs before they flashed back into the forest, or did they stick around to watch the bigger failure of my 'rescue' of the young woman?

I wondered if my room still existed now - if it would still only require a quick airing out.

I couldn't even pretend not to care. Not to be hurt by the isolation of the last several years. Even if my family hadn't witnessed my crime firsthand, Alice had to have seen something about it. They had to know. Their responding silence echoed in my head.

I held the phone in my hand nervously, touching the button to activate it and then locking it again, repeating the action several times. Even I knew that I was stalling, but the other option seemed so terrifying. I wasn't sure I could talk to him. Any of them.

Finally, I hung my head and let out and deep yet completely unnecessary sigh. I weighed the phone in my hand a moment more before I flipped the phone open once again and scrolled to the address book.

Only one number. No name. She didn't need to put one.

I exhaled another martyred breath out into the empty, echoing forest, because I had a feeling that I wouldn't be allowed the indulgence of them much longer. Then I tapped the phone another single time, and held the phone up to my ear.

It rang once. Twice.

The line came alive and I heard the noise of the room on the other end of the connection, in what may have as well have been another world.

Then finally I heard his voice, relieved yet cautious.

"Edward?"

"Carlisle", I whispered, hating how soft and uneven my voice sounded even to my own ears. Without vampire hearing, there's no way he could have understood me over the boisterous hospital surrounding him.

"Son, are you OK? Where are you?"

I waited a beat too long to answer, and he tried again, "Edward, son, please tell me what's happened. Where are you?"

"I need help." I rasped into the phone. "Oh God, Carlisle, you can never imagine the things I've done. I thought I could control it, and I've tried to fight it. God, I tried to stop. It's so hard! I, I – I can't stop." I stuttered, pulling in another breath. "Carlisle, please –"

"Shh, Edward. It's alright. Everything will be fine. Of course we will help you. Just tell me where you are."

"I'm in the woods. But I have a hotel room. In Saquena. Alice knows, she sent me this phone."

"Alice knows." Carlisle mused, almost to himself. "Alright, I'll meet you there. Do you feel capable of meeting me at the hotel, or would you rather stay in the forest?"

We both know what he meant with his question.

"I think I can meet you there." I don't elaborate on why – on how I'm full enough to control my need with the fresh blood in my body.

"Good. I'll be there soon. Hopefully Alice knows enough about the situation to already be working on travel plans." The sudden annoyance in his voice is surprising.

"OK", I whisper again.

"Alright then, I'll call when I have my flight details. Just hang on for a bit longer Edward. I, I'm so glad you called, son. This was the right thing to do. I can't wait to see you."

"You too" I breathed, and then finally ended the call.

I dropped the phone into my lap and settled my hands against my scalp, resting my face in my open palms.

I tried to enjoy the silence that surrounded me, that's haunted me, for another few minutes, and think about the consequences of the choice that I've just made.

I wonder what it will be like to be a Cullen once again.